“Where do these women anchor their faith?”
Morning girls! It’s three in the afternoon, time to rise and shine – Chris Harrison is here with some shocking news! And he’s all casual today. No purple, no mourning clothes. I guess it’s back to business as usual on The Bachelor. Or is it?
“Someone bleached my purple sweater. We’ve let him go.”
This week there is a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one in which one of the two is sent home. Also, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO CHANGE, or so Chris tells the girls. In reality, absolutely nothing is about to change except the scenery. He sends the girls out to the driveway to discover two giant RVs that they will be riding in up the California coast. What a non-surprise. They did this last season as well with Jillian and the Canadian train. I hope Chris knows that we also will NOT be surprised when they go on hometown dates and “exotic” dates either. It’s called a formula, and ABC is deathly afraid of straying from it, despite the Roslyn scandal.
See everything changing?
The girls have only one hour to gather their stuff and get their butts on one of the RVs, never to return to the Mansion of Desperation. On RV number one we have Mean Ali, Princess Tenley, Ella, Kathryn and Jessie (who?). On RV number two we have Wiener, Gia, Corrie and Ashleigh. Wiener is thrilled not to ride with Mean Ali and Princess Tenley – and the feeling is mutual. Everybody is totally excited – you know how you always are at the beginning of a road trip… before the mind-numbing monotony sets in? Ella tells us she’s ready to get her relationship with Jake rolling down the highway of love, and I don’t appreciate this mixed imagery. We are ON THE WINGS OF LOVE, people! Jake is a pilot, not a driver! Certainly not a motorcycle driver. The story, however, is that Jake is taking the road trip via motorcycle, as if that motorcycle isn’t nestled into the back of a Star Waggon while Jake snoozes in a limo.
Unluckily, each RV is equipped with a video camera because this adventure isn’t being sufficiently documented just yet. First stop is in a vineyard where “Jake” has set up a camp to host a one-on-one date. I’m getting ugly flashbacks of Jason and Molly in a tent.
“Hey! They left my motorcycle in here!”
Jake can’t think of any better place to fall in love. Each RV speculates about who will be sent on the two-on-one date and the consensus seems to be Ali and Wiener because they are such rivals. Jake greets the girls as the RVs pull into the vineyard – he’s dressed like a lumberjack in case we haven’t realized that the theme is “outdoorsy.” Wiener hugs Jake and points to his tent, saying, “Is that our tent over there?” Causing the other girls to seethe. Jake says that it’s HIS tent and he hands Gia a Date Card then runs away. “Gia: Let’s go over the moon and be under the stars. -Jake.” The girls think that this date will spell doom for Gia because she is from New York, and therefore obviously has no clue or interest about being outdoors.
Jake shaves using a mirror the size of a quarter and tells us he wonders how the city girl will handle having a date in a vineyard. I predict she’ll have a seizure, what do you think?
“My right nostril is looking great!”
Gia puts on a kimono, leggings and stilettos and Jake picks her up on the motorcycle – what, to drive the 50 yards to his tent? Oh they stop at the actual winery, but just walk right through it and into the rows of grapes to play hide and seek. Gia is very tricky and hides like one row over from where Jake is standing, so it takes him half a second to find her and scoop her up. She has this super annoying fake giggle that she does continually. Jake says this is the beginning of a fairy tale… called On the Wings of Love.
Or on the hips of Jake.
They sit down for a vineyard picnic – I wonder how Gia will handle this, being from the city and all. She tells Jake horror tales from her childhood about being the nerd in school when kids would steal her book bag and her shoes. Jake one-ups her, saying that in ninth grade his nickname was “Mr. Dateless.” I’m guessing that would still apply right up until shooting for this season began. Jake didn’t even have his first kiss until 11th grade – what a loser! Gia tells about her first kiss, which was at a party playing spin the bottle. This gives Jake the brilliant epiphany that if they hurry and guzzle their wine, they too can play spin the bottle right now! They do, and the first kiss is a cheek kiss, then lips, then “all the way,” which is rather confusing. What is an all-the-way kiss? I guess this:
“Just like 11th grade!”
Gia says, “Jake and I’s first kiss was the best kiss of my life.” I hate it when people say I’s. Later Jake piggybacks Gia to his campsite. He says that being from New York, Gia will probably expect a steak for dinner, but it’s going to be really simple instead… hot dogs. What is all this preconceived New York cluelessness? There is a freaking hot dog stand every 20 feet in New York. If anyone knows about eating hot dogs, it’s a New Yorker. Gia does not have a fainting spell when she realizes that there is no steak for dinner. She barely notices. She does say it’s her first campfire, though. They snuggle under a blanket and talk about their future. Gia wants a long engagement and then to be married for a few years before giving birth to two children, and then adopting a baby girl from China. Luckily Jake is open to adoption.
“Where’s my freaking steak, cheapskate?”
Across the way, the rest of the girls are roasting marshmallows and hating each other for not being Jake. They decide to disrupt the romantic non-New-York date by making howling sounds and Gia is certain she’s about to be eaten by a coyote. Stupid New Yorkers. Ashleigh discovers a Date Card on the windshield of one of the RVs. She reads: “Jessie, Ashleigh, Princess Tenley, Mean Ali, Wiener and Corrie. Next Stop – falling inn love. -Jake.” This means Ella and Kathryn are left to go on the two-on-one date. So much for everyone’s theory that it would be a bitch-off between Wiener and Mean Ali.
Gia tells us that the surprising part of her date is that she wasn’t worried about whether she had lipstick on or if her hair looked right. Well, you weren’t at a photo shoot, Gia. There was also no one doing test shots or checking the lighting. Actually there probably was, and this is all “work” for these wannabes, so carry on. Gia says that she’s not afraid to give herself to Jake but she is scared. Do you think she knows that “afraid” and “scared” are synonyms? Jake gets the rose and tells Gia how much fun he’s had tonight and he gives her the rose. Being from New York she accepts it. Gia says she hasn’t felt like this in a year and a half! A piano version of “On the Wings of Love” kicks in as Jake tells us he is very impressed that a city girl could have so much fun outside.
The next day the road trip presses onward! The stop for the Group Date will be Pismo Beach and that reminds me of the movie “Clueless” when Cher is captain of the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief. So I expect to see a big disaster area, but it’s just a regular beach. Wiener’s mad to be going on a Group Date because Jake is her boyfriend and she doesn’t want to share. Too bad, Wiener. Sharing is the price you pay to fly on the wings of love. A stunt driver rides the motorcycle around on the beach and then Jake stands next to it as the girls disembark from the RVs.
“Aw crap, that Jessie chick is still here.”
Jake seems really nervous about this Group Date because he realizes that some of the girls are starting to feel possessive. He wants to know if these pretty girls are willing to get dirty – thank goodness he didn’t say down and dirty – because he has three dune buggies for everyone to ride around in. Mean Ali is very vocal about how excited she is to participate in this rugged activity and she quickly calls shotgun in Jake’s buggy. As everyone rides around Jake decides that Jessie (who?) is a timid driver – especially when she gets her buggy stuck in the sand. Luckily Jake is Superman and is able to lift the stuck buggy out of the sand with his bare hands!
Of course, it only weighs 13 pounds.
The next activity is sand surfing, which is snowboarding on sand. Jake gets kind of frisky with Princess Tenley and ends up rolling around in the sand with her – exactly like he did with Jillian in the snow during the Canadian train trip! Princess Tenley is highly flattered – even though she has sand in her mouth. Everyone sits down to a picnic of fruit and wine – thank goodness there are no New Yorkers to shock this time – and Jake toasts them to being able to get dirty. Good job succumbing to the elements, girls. He proposes now that they all roll down a sand dune together, but only Corrie complies, causing Princess Tenley to call her “aggressive.” It’s getting old hearing Princess Tenley accuse anyone who talks to Jake of being aggressive. She kissed him on the very first night for pete’s sake!
On the other hand, Corrie is the first girl to cup the booty.
Jake still needs more to go on before bestowing tonight’s rose, so the next stop is the Madonna Inn, which Princess Tenley tells us is “where celebrities go” so she feels very special. She’s obviously never been to a dry cleaners in LA. They are here to clean up and continue the date. This is one of those hotels where the rooms are themed (and quite tacky), so each room is loudly decorated and each fireplace looks like a bat cave.
Romantic… or creepy?
The girls all shower and do their hair and makeup for hours so that they can come and meet Jake in a flaming pink restaurant. Jake tells them he’s so glad that they can get dirty and then clean up. Why is that always a surprising revelation to these Bachelors? That girls can play outside and then take a shower and put on a dress? Have they never met girls before?
Jake tells us that group dates are not his forte so he’s going to go through and give each girl some alone time to figure out who gets the rose. Ashleigh is first and Jake takes her to the Romance Suite, which has brick walls that have been painted bright turquoise. The body language during this interlude could not be more awkward. Ashleigh is sprawled across Jake with her legs draped all over his and he’s kind of leaning back all stiff. He kisses her on the cheek and we get a very unfortunate shot of her booty shorts.
“Ashleigh, are you sure you got a turn in the shower?”
Jake invites Wiener for the next alone time, but she says she wants to go last. This sets the other girls off into fits of hysteria. How DARE she? Jake even seems slightly annoyed, but he takes Ali instead and they go to the Austrian Suite. No wonder he wanted to take Wiener! She is the capital of the Austrian Suite! Mean Ali isn’t the capital of anything, but she takes her chance to drill Jake about how many roses he has left to give out this week, but he doesn’t want to talk about it.
Back at the RVs Gia retrieves the final Date Card. It says, “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes.” Ella and Kathryn are quite dismayed. They can not understand why Jake has chosen them for this torment. Ella cries that this is not a game for her!
Kathryn cries that she can’t spend one more day camping.
Princess Tenley gets to accompany Jake to the Madonna Suite, which is particularly tacky with huge roses printed on the carpet. Jake wants to hear all about how Princess Tenley’s husband cheated on her. Oh goody, this again. She hasn’t dated since the tragedy, but she has her whole heart to give. They make out for a while. Did you know that Jake is the first man Princess Tenley has kissed since her ex-husband? I think even people in Darfur know that.
Finally it’s Wiener’s turn. What happened to Corrie? And Jessie, whose voice we’ve never even heard? Wiener says she wants to go last so she can be the last girl Jake kisses before he goes to bed. She tells Jake that this is getting hard, and he tells her that he notices the other girls giving her a hard time, but he thinks she brings it on herself. What’s this? Is all the tattling actually having an effect on Jake’s decision making? Wiener handles it really well. She doesn’t badmouth anyone and she promises to be more careful about what she says and she wants to change the subject.
“And so what if I missed being the capital of a suite?”
Time to give out the rose! Jake says he’s giving it to someone he ignored in the beginning, but he’s glad she’s been patient. Princess Tenley. Huh? How did he ignore her in the beginning? She got the First Impression Rose for crying out loud! No one but Princess Tenley is pleased about this, naturally.
Next up is the two-on-one date. This will take place in Big Sur, so Jake pulls off to the side of the road for a moment to ponder the meaning of sending someone home.
“There are still nine? Are you serious?”
Ella and Kathryn are wrecks as they pack their stuff and pile on the makeup to hang out in a cabin. The mood is very solemn among all the girls as they wait for Jake to come and fetch his dates. Doesn’t this show look like so much fun to be on? The three daters have a romantic dinner in Jake’s cabin and Ella wants to know what he’s looking for in a woman. Jake says it’s important to him where a woman “anchors her faith” and also family values. Perfect! Ella is a mother! Family values, check. Faith also firmly anchored, I assume. Kathryn tries to chime in but is not allowed. Then Jake takes Ella outside and Kathryn is left to sip her wine alone.
Kathryn’s faith comes unanchored.
Jake wants to know what questions Ella has for him. She says she wants Jake to see her as more than just a mom. Jake says if he’s not absolutely sure about Ella he doesn’t want to keep her from Ethan. That can’t bode well.
Kathryn comes outside to chat and Jake says he keeps getting lost in her eyes. Debbie Gibson? What guy talks like that? Again Jake wants to know what questions Kathryn has for him. She wants to know why he is always ignoring her when other girls are around. He doesn’t look at her, she doesn’t trust him, something is holding him back, now let’s get past that! Uh oh, Jake has been naughty. Guys love being nagged, I hear. Jake’s like, “Uh sorry. You’re really pretty, but I’m being cautious.” And after that extremely awkward start there is some small talk and of course Kathryn concludes that Jake could be her husband.
Jake is in deep turmoil trying to figure out what to do. He doesn’t want to lead anyone on… way too late for that, Jake! He takes Ella back outside and tells her that she’s super terrific, but honestly he’s not looking for an insta-family so it’s time for her to hit the road. Ella tells him to be wise about who he chooses and climbs into her limo. Back inside to Kathryn, who thinks she has this in the bag.
“I’m glad you chose to listen, Jake.”
BUT Jake says that while he really appreciates Kathryn’s honesty, she’s going to meet a guy who sweeps her off her feet, but he’s not that guy. Kathryn is so confused because she thought they had such a great conversation. She scolded and Jake apologized. Plus, this is totally against the rules! When he walks her outside she tells him he’s making a mistake. Yeah, I don’t think he cares. He puts her into the special second limo – actually it’s an SUV – and sends her off.
When the luggage guy takes away both girls’ stuff, the rest of the girls are very alarmed and frightened. Both Ella and Kathryn say in their Rides of Shame that they just don’t understand what Jake is thinking and they worry that he’ll end up with the wrong person. Jake says that as far as no one understanding his decisions, it’s only going to get worse! We’ve been warned, America! He trudges inside his cabin, picks up the rose, brings it outside, and with dramatic flourish tosses it into the campfire.
“Sorry, Ethan. I’ll never be your dad.”
See the symbolism? The burning hopes and dreams of Kathryn and Ella?
The next morning as the RVs cruise toward wherever the Rose Ceremony is to take place, the girls all speculate as to who will be going home next. Mean Ali says it better be Wiener, or Jake is going to get a “talking to.” They pull up to a mansion and pile inside to put on their ball gowns and high heels. Jake is in yet another flutter because he has no idea which girl should go home tonight. He wants to do shots at the cocktail party because he’s so nervous.
Ouch – Wiener with no makeup.
Corrie gets alone time and is upset to learn that Jake isn’t nervous around her. Mean Ali has decided that she looks really good in yellow because at every Rose Ceremony she is in a yellow dress. Wouldn’t other pastels work too, Ali? A nice peach or baby blue? She sits down with Jake and says, shaking her head, “I think what you did last night was…” and I’m ready for her to tell him how mean it was to send both girls home. But she says, “unbelievably honorable.” Oh please! What a butt-kisser! She uses his double send-off as ammo to tell Jake she’s falling for him? Give it a rest. But it works! Jake loves hearing someone turn his guilt into heroism. They make out for a while and Jake feels like quite a champion. Jessie gets alone time and we hear her speak for the first time ever! And what does she have to say? That Wiener isn’t right for him. And she would never say so if she wasn’t 100% sure. She’s selfish, spoiled, and she’s crashed five cars that her dad bought for her. Does Jake really want to be Wiener’s daddy? Jake listens and thanks Jessie profusely for watching out for him. Yes, that’s nice, but did she really have to wear that green eyeshadow? Or the hooker dress? Her credibility is questionable when she looks like a color blind prostitute.
“Sorry what? All I can see is green.”
Ah Wiener’s turn again. She wants to know what Jake’s family and friends will think of her, seeing as none of the girls like her. This, by the way, she explains by saying that she jokes around a lot, and none of the girls can take a joke; they are just way too serious and uptight. Plus the girls only talk about her because they know she’s a threat.
“I was totally kidding when I called Tenley ‘Princess Cuckold.’ Sheesh!”
Jake assures her that he will form his own opinion – which Mean Ali will then validate.
Here is Chris tapping the glass. Jake goes off to deliberate and Mean Ali swears up and down to the girls that if Wiener doesn’t go home tonight she is going to have a very serious conversation with Jake that he doesn’t expect. I honestly hope she does because that would be entertaining. And would probably piss Jake off pretty good – he only wants to hear affirmation.
Jake comes out all exhausted again.
“Isn’t this swell?”
He says he can’t stand to hurt anyone, but he’s going to go ahead and do it anyway. Remember, Gia and Princess Tenley already have roses. Here are the rest: Mean Ali, Corrie, and… and… two more roses… Jake is holding one, which he puts back down on the rose tray and walks off the set. The cameras go into hand held mode to follow him “behind the scenes” where he is looking for Chris. He goes through several rooms, which doesn’t seem right because isn’t Chris just about to walk in and announce the final rose? Not only that, but when he finds Chris, Chris is talking to two “staffers” who look all startled and then dart off camera as fast as they can. Chris looks all caught off guard.
Good grief, for all of this “surprise” backstage, Chris might as well have been naked on a massage table and jumped up, pulling a towel around himself while sputtering, “Jake! What are YOU doing here?” Are they really that clueless as to what is taking place on camera in the next room? Next question: Why is Jake asking the HOST what to do? The host is a paid player, just like Jake is. Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask a producer? Or you know, someone with decision making power? Chris just follows orders. Oh well, let’s play along. Jake wants to know if he has to give out every last rose. Chris says no, if Jake is certain that there are two girls who will absolutely NOT be his wife, he doesn’t have to give out all the roses. So Chris goes back out to the girls with Jake and tells the girls that this is really hard for Jake because he is sincerely here to find a wife. The way Chris keeps driving home Jake’s sincerity makes it seem like he’s the first Bachelor EVER who is doing this for real. But anyway, Jake is totally over two of you, so there’s only one rose left. And it’s the final rose of the night… when you’re ready. WIENER!
The other girls all look back and forth at each other incredulously. I guess this means Jake will be getting a talk he doesn’t expect from Mean Ali. As Jessie leaves, Jake assures her that he heard every word of her advice. Jessie tells us she can’t believe Jake kept Wiener over her. You should have rethought the eyeshadow, Jessie. Ashleigh says pretty much the same thing. “Wiener over me? Are you kidding?” She says that Wiener is a liar. What is the big deal? It’s not like Wiener is pregnant and planning to run off with Jake’s trust fund. She’s a spoiled rich girl – maybe that’s what Jake is looking for.
Mean Ali and Princess Tenley are absolutely put out. How can Jake look at Wiener and envision a wife? How? They have no more choice but to tell him the truth. They have to save him from Wiener. Good grief, girls. This isn’t YOUR choice to make – it’s HIS! It really doesn’t matter what you think about it or what you say about anyone else. He’s not going to change his mind because you say bad things about one of the girls. Give it a rest!
“I do NOT approve of this free will business.”
Jake announces that the road trip is over and that Mean Ali will especially be happy to hear that their next stop is San Francisco. Mean Ali is still so busy fuming over Wiener that she can barely fake a smile for two seconds. Get over it, Ali. You have not been placed here to save Jake.
Next week there are more shenanigans in San Francisco. Will Jake receive an unexpected talk from Mean Ali? I sure hope so. Also it looks like Wiener sneaks into his bedroom one night.
So what is up? These girls really need to back off the whole Wiener thing. It’s so random and hypocritical. And why do Mean Ali and Princess Tenley think this is their decision to make? I don’t like either of them. What do you guys think?
Thanks for reading!