The Bachelor: Welcome to Hoochfest 2005, Bitches!

[Contintuing coverage of The Bachelor is jadedbitch.]

We start off with Kimberley going through her suitcase of skank-ware, which included a pearl thong and a lacy see-through half cut bodice that cupped her assets like an overflowing grocery bag of melons. She was indeed preparing for the one-on-one date with Charlie that evening. She so wants to be Samantha Jones. Meanwhile across town, Charlie was busy breaking his telephone. Literally. He had taken the receiver off the wall phone and was spinning it around him like some sort of telephone-slinger, when it flew right off. Eventually he put it back together and gave Kim a call. They were to have their first date together at an art gallery. This of course caused Jenny and Anitra to advise Kim not to wear such a slutty outfit to an art gallery. “People who go there, are in suits and are educated,”noted Jenny, who only wanted to help her fellow Canadian gal pal. Kim did end up changing into something less slutty, which isn’t saying much. Instead of putting her boobs on display, she opted to don a jacket, but hike up her skirt, therefore prominently showcasing her vagina. “Now we’re cooking – with GAS!”exclaimed Charlie. This guy has so many awful one-liners that someone should give him his own cheesy reality show. Oh wait…Now, watching the two of them wander around an art gallery was like watching an episode of LOST. However, it soon made sense as to why they picked such a peculiar location for a date – Charlie was an artist!! Well, not quite. He had some of his childhood paintings put up on the wall to see what she would say. She claimed he was a pretty good artist! Wow, Kim, you’re an idiot. That’s all that needs to be said. Will she get a rose though? That fate would be decided at Charlie’s place, to which it seemed he couldn’t get her there fast enough.

Meanwhile, across town, the girls decided to throw themselves a Kimberley party. This is along the lines of a Stevie Nicks party where everyone shows up dressed as Stevie Nicks, except of course, the girls dug through Kim’s luggage and came out dressed like Kim. “Welcome to Hoochfest 2005, Bitches!” said Sarah B., the Caroline Rhea impersonator. I would suggest throwing a Rupert from Survivor party, or perhaps an Erin from The Apprentice party (bath rugs not included), but whatever you do, for the love of Survivor, do NOT throw a Richard Hatch come-as-you-are nudist party.

Back at Charlie’s house, Kimberley fondled the back of Charlie’s knee with her foot, cementing his decision to give her the rose. After she received it though, she didn’t stop her Samantha Jones antics, hopping on the bed and proceeding to make out with him being the main indicator.

Back at the apartment, now looking like the set of Boogie Nights, the girls wondered where in the world Kim and Charlie could be? Seriously though, the way these girls were dressed in Kim’s clothes looked like they’d just done lines of coke off each other’s back just before heading out to a night at Studio 54. Instead, they all sat around the table discussing the possibility that Kim and Charlie were hooking up at that very moment. Kara, the single mother who was trying hard to channel Britney Spears circa Baby One More Time, said that she wouldn’t want to date someone who hooked up with someone so quickly. Is that because you once did that, got pregnant, and now you’re a single mother!?? Sorry, I’m not dissing single mothers necessarily, just Kara.

Put on your bowling shoes, it’s time for a group date! Working it hard for the single rose to be handed out was Sarah Dub, who kept trying to rub Charlie’s ball. *snicker* The other girls bitched about Sarah W. hogging up the bachelor, with Krisily trying to figure out what Sarah’s last name was – “Wicked? Witch? Worm?” Ah Krisily, we like you. Unfortunately for her, Charlie dealt the “we’re good friends” blow. Is being friends enough to make a relationship?

Rub that ball!

After Charlie was taken away by Krisily, Sarah Dub and Sarah B. drank and gossipped together. Sarah Dub told Sarah B. that Charlie already had a Final Four in mind, and that it did Not include Sarah B. Poor Sarah B. looked like someone had just donkey punched her. However, it was she who would have the last laugh when the one rose up for grabs would be bestowed upon her.

Kara later received a telephone call regarding her one-on-one date with Charlie. He tells her that he’s way too tired to go on it, and postpones it until the next day. Kara then threw the phone against the wall while screaming, “I HATE YOU! Don’t you know I’m a single mother?! How dare you do this to me!” Well no, not really. Instead, she called up her kid to talk with because she’s such a great mom. Oh wait, that didn’t happen either. Kara, you suck.

The next day, Charlie and Kara finally went on their date which included a skate at Central Park and two kids who taunted them with, “I bet you can’t skate better than that!” Charlie was up to the challenge, because you know, he likes to beat up little kids. In fact, one of them fell and I’m pretty sure Charlie pushed him. Kara did pull out her Single Mom Membership Card to which Charlie reeled back in horror. It apparently was a bit too much for the big lug, as he opted not to give Kara the rose, thus sending her packing.

Charlie then phoned up big brother Jerry, fresh from a taping of Crossing Jordan no doubt. “Chucky, you sound good, man!” Jerry quipped. Chucky?? Oh boy, you just KNOW there’s a Seed of Chucky joke lurking around somewhere. The only advice that big brother could give however, was not to jump into the hot tub. WTF?Otherwise, it was a completely pointless phone call other than to be able to show a clip of Jerry O’Connell in the commercials in order to draw viewers in.

At the rose ceremony, Kimberley (who finally got to wear her lacey bodice) and Sarah B. were safe on the sidelines. Jenny mentioned that she didn’t look like Kimberley (i.e. gigantic tits) and didn’t act like Sarah Dub (i.e. throwing herself all over him). Jenny of course put it much more nicely, calling Sarah Dub “aggressive” rather than what she really meant: “desperate.”

Charlie handed out roses to Krisily, Anitra, Sarah Dub, and Kindle (um, who is this person exactly?) The only one to leave empty handed from the ceremony was Jenny, who claimed it was “no big deal.” She then broke down in front of the camera and proclaimed, “I’m not doing this! I don’t want you to get me crying…” and proceeded to run off camera. Now we’re talking! We need more of this running off camera action.

Afterwards, the girls ganged up on Sarah Dub, telling her to “keep it real.” She then took her knitting needles and stabbed them into each of their eyes, screaming, “Is THAT real enough for you!?!!” Well, no. She instead passively aggressively removed herself from the conversation and bottled up more tension to be stored for next week’s episode! Incidentally, next week’s episode features Krisily and Sarah Dub going at it during a manicure session, as well as a fencing duel, and a revelation from Sarah B. about Sarah Dub saying Charlie already had a final four in mind. A surprise is also in store, but as we’re finding, this show is one big cock tease with little follow-through.

In other news, I am off to Fabrice-land and will be absent from my television for the next two episodes. I will however, catch up when I get back, though I’m not holding out much hope that this show will get any better. See you all in two weeks’ time!