[jadedbitch is back from France with Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]
Bonjour! I have returned from Fabrice-land! Boy did I need that vacation! And being in Paris was a total turn-on, since everyone around you is completely horny and ready to have sex right there on the Metro system. Ah, but that’s nothing a cold shower couldn’t fix, or better yet, returning to North America and catching up on more dull episodes of The Bachelor. As if dreading going back to work wasn’t bad enough, the thought of seeing Charlie O’Connell continue to dispose of forgettable women made my stomach lurch more than the American Airlines chicken teriyaki.So last week’s episode began with a barrage of “Hi, how are you’s” and “Good, how are you?” I’m great, how are you? That’s good to hear, how are you?? After I lost count of the endless dribble, Charlie showed up to pick up Little Sarah (NOT Sarah Dub) for a one on one date. We know how these go. If you get a rose, you get to stay, and if you don’t, adios! The twosome arrived at a ranch to go horseback riding. Charlie should’ve gone coattail riding as he told Sarah that when his brother Jerry was in the movie Stand By Me, that was his first time riding horses, over in “Or-ah-gone.” Way to pimp on your brother AGAIN, Charlie, and isn’t Oregon prounounced “Or-ah-gunne”?
Sarah was quite anxious about being on top of a horse. If only Paris Hilton were around to give pointers on how to get bucked off. Fortunately for Sarah, she chose to come down off the horse before the horse chose to throw her off.
Meanwhile, the rest of the girls went to a spa to get their nails done. The promised “catfight” consisted of an argument between our loveable trailer trash Krisily and knitting guru Sarah Dub. There was a lot of “you’re just jealous” thrown around, with Sarah Dub topping it off by saying, “I hope Charlie doesn’t end up with you because you are HORR-IBLE.” This caused Krisily to leave the spa altogether. All in all, I wanted to shove une baguette into both these girls’ mouths.
Back on the one-on-one, Little Sarah and Charlie opened up to one another, with Chuck revealing that his ex was somewhere online typing that the two of them were still dating. Hmm, now if TVGasm could only find this little bit of online juiceyness…
Little Sarah ended up getting the rose and she revealed to Charlie about what Sarah Dub (or as Charlie calls her, Big Sarah) had said to her a few days back – that Charlie already knew who the final four were, and that it didn’t include Little Sarah. The two didn’t get it on, and the date was… NICE. But you know where NICE leaves you – ready to set sail over in the Friendship boat.
The next day, Charlie brought the girls on a fencing date (that’s swords and swashbuckling, not stolen goods), where Krisily continued to bad mouth Sarah Dub to Charlie. Sarah Dub’s defense was that she was used to girls ganging up on her because was so beautiful. Ah yes, it was another Audrey from The Apprentice moment. I too have the same problem, when walking the streets, gangs surround me and tell me I’m way too hot and they’re gonna beat the crap out of me. I just take it like the hottie that I am.
Krisily checks out Charlie’s wand.
Host Chris Harrison showed up at the fencing date to announce that another individual date with Charlie was up for grabs. Each girl had to fence against Charlie, and whoever did the best would win the date. Krisily broke down a bit because she was too claustrophobic to put on the fencing mask.
During one of the matches, Charlie announced, “I’ve got a long wand, what do you want from me?” Oh Chuck. I’m surprised he didn’t make any hung like a horse jokes during his earlier date with Little Sarah.
Meanwhile, Sarah Dub looked on as Krisily announced she was claustrophobic. “I think it’s fake and I don’t believe it,” claimed Sarah Dub. Krisily then gave herself an award for being able to face her fears. Wow, putting on a mask. That’s real frightening. Someone should write that in as a stunt on Fear Factor. Hey Joe Rogan, have you thought of that one yet? Get your contestants to… put on a mask!!
Anitra ended up being the winner of the one-on-one date. The two went to dinner where Anitra announced that she loved to eat, whether she was hungry or not. Gee, hon, that’s gonna attract eligible bachelors, isn’t it?
Unfortunately, the two were coming up with more misses than hits. She likes to email, he can’t type. She doesn’t talk on the phone much, he likes to swing one around like a telephone cowboy. To cope with the disastrous date, Charlie began downing the drinks. Ah yes, there’s nothing like a litre of alcohol to make people more attractive. It wasn’t enough to make Anitra look good though, as Charlie just ended up taking her back to the girls’ home at the date’s end.
Chris Harrison showed up the next morning while Charlie and the girls were having breakfast, to announce that the Rose Ceremony was going to take place immediately. This took everyone by surprise, including Charlie.
At the Rose Ceremony, Little Sarah sat in her pajamas safe and sound with a rose in her hand. The first to receive a rose at the ceremony was Canada’s Kimberly, which means Charlie will be visiting Deadmonton, Alberta, in the next episode to meet Kim’s family. Can’t wait! Hey Charlie, watch out for them tumbleweeds over there! Sarah Dub, decked in camouflage chic, joyously received a rose, and practically had an orgasm in front of everyone. The last rose of the evening went to Krisily, shutting out Kindle and Anitra.
Next episode: Hometown visits! Charlie comes to Canada!!