The Bachelor: Would the Real Sarah Please Stand Up?

[jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

“Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya…”

You can’t say “Aruba” without thinking of that song. Anyone who disagrees is a damn liar. On this week’s Bachelor, Charlie brings the three remaining girls to a tropical paradise for an exotic overnight date. What’s different from other seasons is that this time, the girls are not only all in the same location for their overnight fantasy frolic, but they’re even at the same hotel! It would’ve been more fun had the likes of bug-eyed Toni, the guy with the man-boobs, mafia member Zach, and all the rest of the Paradise Hotel crew, shown up to crash the party. Now that would’ve been good television.Instead, we are shown a doughy looking Charlie walking around on the beach in floral patterned bermuda shorts. He makes the Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters look sexy. Hell, he makes Slimer look hot. What pleases me however, is the fact that he actually calls Sarah W. by the moniker “Sarah Dub!” He must be a TVGasm reader!

Somewhat clever editing had all three girls (Sarah B., Sarah Dub, and Krisily) riding separately in their cars, all spouting the same party line that they were so lucky to be in Aruba with Charlie and the other girls were not. Was this a script the producers had them all read as a voiceover after the fact? It was just too contrite to be authentic.

Chris Harrison came out to greet all the girls as they all arrived at the hotel, to tell them that their dates would happen all in the same place. “I knew it!” Sarah Dub exclaimed, even though just moments before during her car rides, she was gloating that none of the other girls were in Aruba. That Sarah Dub is such a lying bitch!

We were however, treated to gratuitous shots of Sarah Dub in her camo skivvies and skimpy bikini as she climbed into a jeep for the first one-on-one date with Charlie. And is it just me, or does Charlie seem like he should be the older brother when compared to Jerry O’Connell? His face is TIRED and HAGGARD. Somebody order him some botox!

Sarah Dub’s date entailed some ATB riding. Normally, this would have been good fodder for some jiggly boob shots, but alas Kim was back in Edmonton, and for some reason Sarah Dub’s chest looked flatter than Charlie’s. Seriously, he’s got way more cuppage! Maybe it was just her outfit. “This is me in my natural element,” she told Charlie. “And everyone always likes me too, so I don’t know whatever, about that whole thing.” WTF? How much crack is there down in Kokomo???

Apparently a lot, as Charlie did what looked like a variation on the Running Man, when the Kukukunuku bus showed up. This was definitely a Riding The Bus With My Sister moment! If only Rosie had shown up to offer some doughnuts or talk about toilet seats! I wasn’t sure who was playing the Andie McDowell character and who was being Rosie, since both of them were shaking their maraccas and proceeded to have the time of their lives.

“Bermuda, bahamas, come on pretty mama…” Damn you John Stamos and your bongo drums!!

Krisily later took a walk along the beach and stumbled upon Charlie and Sarah Dub’s dinner date. She hid behind some lounge chairs and spied on them as they jumped into the water. “I wish I had worn some underwear!”exclaimed Sarah Dub as she proceeded to put the fish in fishwater. As the two dry humped in the ocean, the previews made it seem like Krisily was on the beach watching them, when in reality she had already gone back to the hotel probably to join Sarah B in ordering up some good ol’ fashion porn on the pay-per-view. Once again, the show teases and refuses to put out.

The next day, Sarah B was to go on a sailing date with Charlie. He showed up shirtless, which from what I could see, was a huge mistake. Please for the love of God, put your shirt back on!! The two however, finally sealed the deal with their very first mouth to mouth.

Back at the hotel, we were treated to a staged chance meeting between Krisily (who was busy gnoshing on some greens)and Sarah Dub, who just happened to be walking by. Yes, just happened to be walking by with a camera on her at the perfect angle to get her approaching Krisily from behind. After a few fake greetings, she sat down to join the never-been-out-of-the-country hick and tried to clear the air by saying that she hoped things were cool between them.

Krisily was not so keen on mending fences, however, when she threw Sarah Dub’s words back in her face from the week before when she had called Krisily “horrible” and “a nightmare.” Sarah Dub later told the camera that Krisily was too immature to deal with things, but to her face said, “I’m glad we got to talk about it! So enjoy your salad!” Yes, Sarah Dub, being fake and glossing over the details is sooo much more mature.

Surprisingly, Charlie took Sarah B back to his hotel room, which Sarah Dub didn’t even get (at least we didn’t get to see it if it did happen.) The two made out a bit, but Sarah B pulled out from spending the night with him. What a frigid ho!

The next day, Krisily got to go to a private island on her date with Charlie. He managed to keep his shirt on this time, but was donning more of those wallpaper flowers on his shorts again. Krisily rambled endlessly while Charlie stared off into nowhere. “I feel really special today!” Krisily exclaimed, during her dementia. “You are special,”Charlie reassured her. SPECIAL. Like in a Riding The Bus With My Sister kind of way. Aarrgh, haunted by that movie, I tell ya, HAUNTED!

The two eventually dived into the ocean for some snorkelling. Look there’s tropical fish and coral and lawn chairs to sit on?! Why, there’s even a great white whale! Oh wait, that’s just Charlie!

Across the waters, Sarah Dub was busy frolicking with herself. Who does that? Hi I’m just going to go hang out with myself and roll around in the water for a bit. And maybe if I try hard enough, I can push my breasts inward even more. Creatures that frolick alone: sea lions, walruses, hippos, beached whales, Sarah Dubs.

At dinner, Krisily continued to win Charlie over with her incessant babble. He sorta just stared at her blankly with that dopey my-mouth-is-too-big look.

Another staged chance meeting back at the hotel between the two Sarahs. The camera was following Sarah Dub yet again, when Sarah B called out from her balcony. Apparently, her Sandra Bullock marathon had completed and the producers had forced her to invite Sarah Dub up for drinks and some phoney conversation. The two compared notes about their dates and they discussed Krisily’s claustrophobia and that she would never go snorkelling. Guess again bitches! Maybe that whole fenching/claustrophobia thing really was just a pathetic attempt for some attention? She seemed fine with the snorkelling mask and being under water.

Having been unable to score with Sarah B the night before, Charlie could smell the desperation between Krisily’s legs and opted to take her back to his hotel room for the evening. They smooched while cheesy guitar strumming played over the scene, when in reality it should have had the Boogie Nights soundtrack on. He told her he would never hurt her or play with her feelings and that he wanted her to spend the night. “Okay,” she gave in, after five seconds. With that, the bedroom doors were closed and the camera panned away to a romantic view of the night sky to indicate that yes, sex was in the stars. What a skanky slut!

The next morning, Sarah Dub showed up for the rose ceremony in yet more leopard print. Honestly, that’s all she seemed to wear this episode. If it wasn’t camouflage, it was leopard print. Somebody take this woman to the Gap and get her some solid colors for crying out loud! Krisily arrived in pink, which was no surprise since earlier in the episode, her suitcase revealed over half her wardrobe to be pink in colour. Sarah B was in a blue bikini top and looked to be the most busty out of the three. Suddenly, Sarah Busty was born.

Here was the rose ceremony where Charlie calls out “Sarah” and both Sarahs step forward. Ooh, was there more to it or did the commercial give it all away? Or perhaps it was just another tease and it wouldn’t even happen at all? Let’s find out…

Well he did call out Sarah, but both did not step forward. Instead, they waited and he clarified. “Sarah B,” he corrected. Ouch. Sorry Dubya. Receiving the second rose was Krisily. I guess you gotta get somethin’ for putting out!

Sarah Dub was none too pleased at having been voted off the island. She kept rambling about how she’s such a sweet girl and that she’s such a great catch and then went on to bring back the argument that people were mean to her because of her being so beautiful. “There is a huge prejudice and racist…”she claimed. Yes, I just hate that Beautiful race. We really oughta just gather up all those people from the Beautiful race and put them in a gas chamber. In fact, I believe the KKK have added Beautiful people to their list of races to commit hate crimes against. Also, hon, earlier in the episode you just told us that everyone liked you and you didn’t know what to do about it?! “If only I had been uglier and less noticeable…”she pined. Oy, get over yourself already!

Next week is the Women Tell All! Then finally, the season finale! Someone put us out of our misery already!

In other news, you can go apply to be on the Bachelor should your little heart desire.