There’s No Place Like Rome

Last season was the first time I’d ever actually watched The Bachelor. Filmed in France, it was billed as “The Most Romantic Bachelor EVER.” And with a doctor whose ovaries were rotting and a self-delusional freak who wrote fortune cookie quality poetry, (I’m talking to you, MOANICA!), it set the bar pretty freakin’ high. So what could the producers possibly do this season to top themselves?

For starters, the show has moved to Rome. And while it’s not the most romantic ever, it is the Princeliest. That’s right, the bachelor this year is an actual Italian Prince. Sure, he’s lived in America since before he could wipe his own ass, but really, has royalty ever had to wipe its own ass? In fact, while most people think Marie Antoinette’s last words were “Let them eat cake,” in actuality they were “Let them wipe their own asses.” So you can see why they made her eat canned spaghetti until her stomach exploded.

True story. Host Chris Harrison is back, and he’s walking around in downtown Rome, gushing over this year’s bachelor. His family name appears all over the city: in its streets, on the front of the Vatican and in bathroom stalls throughout the Vatican. We also learn the bachelor is related to a Pope, and one of his relatives married Napoleon’s sister. And, if you dig back far enough, you’ll find he’s related to Mary Magdalene, which is why Host Chris Harrison is constantly on the lookout for a crazed albino. And Moanica.

Pretty much all of the ho-pefuls agree that marrying a prince is every girl’s dream. I don’t know if that’s true or not. At least it isn’t for mrs. copygodd. I think she’d be content if I’d just remember to put the seat down. But at least I still wipe my own ass. Most of the time.

Okay, ten minutes into the show and I’m already sick of listening to the B’ettes talking about this being a fairy tale and wanting to be a princess blahblahblah. Hey, you broads wanna be treated like a princess? Then get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!

Host Chris Harrison gives us a quickie bio of this year’s bachelor: “His name is Lorenzo Borghese, and he comes from one of the most renowned families in Europe. Their history is, well, it’s as rich as Rome itself. But there’s much more to this famous young prince than just his wealthy last name. There’s also the title of Prince.” I hate Host Chris Harrison. Interesting side note: in Italian, his name translates to “Il Douche.”

Thirty-four year-old Prince Lorenzo Borghese (or PLB, as I’m going to call him until a better nickname comes to mind) is definitely not your average uptight royal prick. We know this because when a kid kicks a soccer ball at him, he just tosses the ball back instead of having the child drawn and quartered on the spot. Also, he never ever ever introduces himself as Prince Lorenzo Borghese. He’s always Lorenzo. Like that’s any less gay. He says the only time anyone ever knows he’s a prince is when his friends are around and they’re trying to use his royal lineage to pick up chicks. You know, that’s exactly why I quit hanging out with EdHill.

Born in Italy, PLB’s family moved to America when he was five. And now, he lives in the heart of New York City. Surprisingly, being a prince in New York City doesn’t make it any easier to pick up girls. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that he won’t tell anyone he’s a prince. Dumbass.

Today, his family is also well known in the cosmetics industry. Lorenzo also runs a company that produces high-end salon products for dogs. And he’s a pilot. And, in his spare time, he heals lepers while making water from scratch. Okay, I made that last part up. Making water from scratch is what I do in my spare time.

PLB is hoping to follow in his parents’ footsteps, who are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. What, were they on The Bachelor: Fogies? To show how happy they are, we get a quick bit of footage with PLB interacting with the fam. His dad seems like he could be fun, but he also seems like he’s busted a more than a few kneecaps in his life. Well, technically he had someone else break them – he is a prince, after all – but you know what I mean. His dad’s first thought when he found out his son was going to be the bachelor? “Oh mama mia! Thatsa some spicy meatball!”

His mom thinks PLB will make someone a good husband when he finds the right person, because he has a big heart. He doesn’t show it on his sleeve, though. Rather, he keeps it in a jar under his bed. Right next to the Elephant Man’s bones. She says her son is like Rome, in that he has this special soul that you feel when you get close to it. Ironically, if you substitute “schlong” for “soul” that’s exactly how describes Prince Ron Jeremy.

PLB says it’s the first time he’s gone to Rome to search for love. The other times he was searching for the Keymaster. We see him asking some random stranger where the restaurant named after him is. Yeah, he’s not uppity at all. The fact that this season is taking place in Rome, where his dead ancestors are, well, he knows they’re going to be looking down on him. And wishing they could die all over again. For him, this season is all about the Italian lifestyle: “Marrying and having children and enjoying life and being happy.” None of those things go together. No wonder Italy’s so messed up.

Next, we get some clips of the B’ettes learning they’re going to Rome. They all get roses, they’re all shocked, they all scream. Sometimes I miss dating. This isn’t one of those times. They’re even more shocked to learn they have to leave for Rome right now.

The first ho-peful we meet in any detail is Erica, a self-described “socialite” from Houston. Since we all know socialite is just code for whore (witness Paris Hilton), her new name is “Whorica.” She wasn’t surprised that she was picked for the show, because she thinks she’d be the perfect match for PLB. And even though learning she had to leave that day was shocking, fortunately her housekeeper was there to pack her clothes. She wonders if it will be cold enough to need a fur, but her mom reminds her she may not want to take a fur because of animal rights. If you’re really worried about animal rights, you could try not owning any fur, MAMA WHORICA!

She says she so excited to meet a real prince, but she really hopes he’s not one of those guys who falls for the girl off the farm. Someone like Jami, an event planner from Galveston. She likes coveralls, cowboy hats and chaw. Math, on the other hand, not so much: “Call me small town, call me little Texas girl, call me what you will, but dammit, I am totally hands down eight million percent princess material.”

Rosella’s father is 100 percent Italian. He passed away eight years ago, but her mom is convinced her dad is behind Rosella being chosen. She says she hopes she falls in love in Rome. Her mom says Rome is a romantic city, so Rosella might actually have a chance. Nice support, MOM!

Cinderosella’s parents fell in love in Italy, so she thinks it’d be so beautiful if she fell in love in Italy, too. Except her parents are actually from Italy, so it’s not that big a deal. That’s like saying my parents fell in love in Ohio, so it’d be great if I could fall in love in Ohio too. Which, come to think of it, I did. I’m so romantic.

In Rome, some of the girls are touring the city. And of course they happen to see PLB’s family name everywhere. I’m sure the producers didn’t point that out. Then they go shopping. The girls, not the producers. Sadie says she doesn’t even know how to begin to get ready to meet a prince, because she’s never met one before. How quickly they all forget about Host Chris Harrison’s Prince Albert.

Speaking of, Host Chris Harrison asks the question we’ve all been dying to ask: “Lorenzo, what’s up with the prince thing?” PLB says it dates back to the 1600s. Pope Paul V was in the family, so he just extended titles to everyone. Kind of like when your uncle works in the popsicle factory and everyone gets free popsicle sticks. He says he never introduces himself as Prince, though: “If you like me, you can call me by my name. If you don’t, you can call me something else.” Okay, any suggestions?

Host Chris Harrison asks if the Pope would approve of PLB being The Bachelor. “First of all, he used to own this mansion we’re in, so he’d probably ask what are you doing here,” PLB says. “Second of all, he’d probably ask, ‘whassa matta, you too good for the little boys?’”

It’s time to meet the B’ettes. Host Chris Harrison tells PLB it’s tough meeting 25 women at one time, so they’re giving him all night to make his decision. But when the sun comes up, he has to send over half of the women home. Home, of course, being code for Host Chris Harrison’s trailer.

The first limo is on its way. Inside, the girls are already loading up on the champagne. They all say it’s like a dream. A horrible, horrible dream. Like when you show up someplace important wearing just your underwear. Which is ironic, considering none of them are actually wearing any underwear tonight. As the limo is pulling up, one of them says a guy like that can definitely melt your heart. Not to mention your panties. Had any of the girls bothered to wear them.

First out of the limo is Lisa, a marketing manager from Portland. Odds that she’s also a closet hippy? Currently 5-2. She kisses PLB and leaves some lipstick on his cheek, thus marking him as hers. Thank Husband this isn’t The Bachelorette or that lipstick would be pee. Next is April, a model from Chicago with gams that go clear to Milwaukee. Kim, an interior designer, is quickly followed by Jeanette, the first teacher of the night. As opposed, of course, to creature of the night. Last out is Jessica, an assistant buyer.

Jami, the farm girl-cum-event planner from Galveston, is the first to exit the second limo. Claudia is a restaurateur from Boca Raton. PLB says he has friends named Claudia, so she’s not going to win. Nobody is allowed to know more than one Claudia at a time. Next is Britt, a beer chemist from Columbus. She immediately has my vote. She’s from my hometown, she’s hot, and she makes beer. What’s not to like? Rita from Richmond is next. Laura is a dolphin trainer from Hope, Arkansas. Actually, she’s from San Diego, but she might actually be interesting if she were from Arkansas.

Time for limo number three. First out is Cinderosella, the makeup artist from Chicago. Meri is an attorney from Biloxi with a big smile and an even bigger voice. Next out is Gina, an ultrasound technician from Chicago. Heather, a Registered Nurse, is from the land of Alcholica, otherwise known as Aliquippa, Pennsylvania. Last out is Sarah, a journalist from British Columbia. Another Canadian Sarah? What are the odds, eh? I can’t tell for certain in this light, but she looks like she’s not 100% Caucasian. She also appears to be the first to wear a maternity dress.

Limo four introduces us to Jennifer, a teacher from Florida. Carissa is an attorney from Cattaraugus, New York. And that’s the most interesting thing about her. Andrea is a hotel concierge from Cincinnati. Which means I have to hate her. Plus, she reminds me of Tara from The Apprentice. It’s only a matter of time before she’s bedazzling the drapes. Desiree is a realtor from Salt Lake City, and she’s living proof that not everyone from Salt Lake is a Mormon. Or sane. Hey, it’s another realtor: Tara, from St. Augustine, Florida. She’s only the second girl tonight to tell him the place is amazing; a huge drop off from years past.

The fifth and final limo arrives. And the first one out is Whorica. And she’s wearing a tiara. She tells PLB they have a lot in common: both of their parents are rich. Ellen is another realtor, from New Haven. Elyse is a physician from New York City. She says she’ll believe whatever he tells her, which is just the type of confidence I look for when choosing a physician. Renee is a broadcast marketer from Baltimore. Our final ho-peful is Sadie, a publicist from Carlsbad, California. She looks really, really familiar to both me and mrs. copygodd. I hope I can figure out where I’ve seen her before. Sadie gets points for joking that there are 24 too many people in the castle. She loses points for styling her hair up like an ass hat.

And that’s this year’s initial crop. Hope you kept up, because half of them you’ll never hear from again.

Let’s get this party started! All the women think PLB is cute. I don’t see it. But that’s because I’m a dude. Besides, I only have room in my heart for one hetero man crush at a time, and right now my heart belongs to Hugh Laurie.

When PLB first enters the room, he asks Heather where her drink is. Bad move, PLB. He should’ve asked her where her antabuse was. Of course, she thinks because she was the first person he talked to that she’s in like Flynn. Which, if you know the origins of the saying, isn’t necessarily a good thing. Unless you’re a fan of letting statutory rape go unpunished.

Jennifer asks PLB if there’s one thing in Rome she absolutely has to see. The Pantheon. Followed closely by what’s inside the pants he has on. Whorica says PLB is so sexy, and she can’t wait to get a chance to kiss him. And video tape their first sexual encounter. I just hope she turns off her cell phone during the deed.

It’s time for a toast. PLB appreciates all the women traveling so far to meet him. And the gathering of ho-peful B’ettes is honestly the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen in his life. But what of the Pantheon?! He then toasts to an incredible evening, to Rome, and to “all you guys.” Paging Dr. Travis.

PLB tells the camera there’s no better position in the entire world for a guy to be in other than what he’s experiencing right now. Except he’s sitting in front of a camera. Talking to us. Has he not read “The Kama Sutra”? Or at least seen Caligula?

Some random factoids we learn about PLB over the evening: He never went to prom. He likes every type of music, ranging from The Grateful Dead to the Rolling Stones. He just went to see Bon Jovi, so we know he recently lost a bet. He doesn’t speak Italian.

Whorica says she wore her tiara to get his attention. And the first four girls she met all had tattoos. And only half of them even went to college. So already she knows she’s in the top three in terms of compatibility with PLB. Because a prince would never pick a tattooed non-college goer. Next, she tells PLB that she even flew coach for him, which she’s never done before. So you know she’s at least good for a hand job.

Cinderosella, the makeup artist from Chicago, tells the other girls she sold her car to come on the show, because she needed money to buy clothes. Which either makes her the best liar of all the ho-pefuls, or the dumbest. You make the call.

Next, PLB spends some time with Jennifer. She’s an eighth grade reading teacher. No offense, Jen, but if they haven’t learned to read by the eighth grade, you’re probably just wasting your time. Although they still have a good career in blogging to look forward to. Later, she tells us she didn’t think she’d find anything in common with an Italian prince, but she was surprised to find a lot of things in common. Namely, he can’t read.

During the middle of the festivities, some random waiter walks in with a single rose and pair of earrings. Needless to say, all the ho-peful’s blingdar starting pinging.

Desiree, who from now on shall be called Baby Jane, decided to take advantage of the other girls’ preoccupation with the rose to “rock the charts and be myself, baby.” While she’s talking to PLB on the bench outside, the other catties are spying from the balcony. And a good thing too, otherwise they’d have missed her impromptu seizure. Plus she calls PLB “baby” five times in about a 15-second span. Seriously, I haven’t heard someone say “baby” that many times in such a short amount of time since Ian Astbury sang “Love Removal Machine” on The Cult’s Electric CD. Next, she asks if she can kiss him. He says okay, but only on the cheek. Because that’s how Italian Princes roll. Baby.

Lisa tells us she’s only 25, but she already has her whole love life planned out. She wants to be married by 27, and she wants to be engaged for a year. So that really only gives her 10 months to find someone. Or else it’s time to eat a bullet. She tells PLB that she’s just a normal girl. Who happens to be from Portland. And happens to be a tree hugger. An incognito tree hugger, of course. Until she admits it on national television. “When it comes down to it, I’ll lick a slug, I’ll hug a tree, whatever,” she tells him. As long as it gets her engaged by 26. Her cover blown, she decides it’s time PLB hugged a tree too. So she makes him go outside and hug a tree with her. Looks like her new nickname is Butterfly.

Back inside, Heather makes a toast to drinking too much. And it’s something she obviously believes in. Now, considering I write most of my recaps half in the bag myself, I probably shouldn’t make too much fun of her inebriated state. But hey, that’s what they pay me the big bucks for. Which I then spend on beer in order to feel good about making fun of people on the TV. Yeah, it’s a vicious circle.

Outside, PLB is talking to another couple of vaginas. The Bedazzler decides it’s her time to make an impression, so she goes out on the balcony and sings an aria. Rita from Richmond tries to keep talking during the singing, but PLB totally ignores her. It would be pathetic if it weren’t so damn funny.

Next, Heather decided it’s time to talk. Or slur, whatever the case may be. The other girls are watching from upstairs, just hoping she yaks all over his loafers. Me too. I tried to transcribe her incoherent ramblings, but they just weren’t as funny on paper. Unlike my incoherent ramblings, of course.

Later, she tells the camera she thinks she has an advantage because “I’m older, I’m well educated, and I am beautiful. I don’t want to sound conceited in that way, but I am.” Which, beautiful or conceited? “I am blessed with genetics and things like that.” Too bad she wasn’t blessed with the gene that helps her process alcohol. “There’s nothing that any of them (the other girls) have over me, other than youth,” she finishes. Well, youth and sobriety.

SarahEh grabs him next, and he can’t help but notice her Canadian accent. Not to mention her huge Canadian tracts of land. She asks if he’s ever dated a “black girl, or an ethnic girl.” How about a Canadian girl? He says he hasn’t. Dated one, that is.

Sadie is the next to steal him, and I finally figured out who she looks like. The vet who amputated my dog’s cancerous leg. Yeah, good times. Even better times, she admits she’s saving herself for marriage. Odds she’ll break her vow before the season ends? Currently 69-2. Although Presidentially speaking, that wouldn’t really count.

Just when Carissa finally gets some alone time with PLB, Host Chris Harrison interrupts. He has an important announcement: since they’re in Rome, the producers have decided to give two “local” women a chance to meet PLB. And then he introduces two Italian chicks, one of whom walks down the steps like she’s a tad sore, if you get my meaning.

Neither of the women speaka da English very well. But PLB doesn’t care. When he asks what they do for a living, one says she studies, the other says she’s a dancer. Man, I hope one of the castle rooms has a pole installed. If not, I’m sure PLB can get one put in posthaste. He’s a friggin’ prince, for Husband’s sake! Tiny Dancer starts shaking her junk for PLB, which immediately makes all the other girls wish they’d learned to work the pole better in college.

While he’s talking to the two locals, Butterfly and Whorica come over and steal PLB away. But the Italians get up and steal him right back. Then, to add insult to injury, they take over their garbage routes and make the American women wear matching silk track suits.

PLB tries to talk with one of the Italian women, and she can’t understand what he’s saying. He can’t speak Italian, so it gets really awkward. At one point, he actually asks her if she hunts people. Man is, after all, the most dangerous game.

Finally, it’s time for PLB to award the initial rose and the earrings. And the winner is: Butterfly! In addition to the rose and the earrings, she gets a few more minutes of alone time with PLB. See that girls? Hugging wood really works.

Gina says that when PLB gave the rose to Butterfly, she and the other ho-pefuls were all “very envious. Slightly jealous. But mostly just envious.” Things they weren’t envious of: Gina’s vocabulary.

Finally, it’s morning. Both here and on the show. That means it’s time to hand out the rest of the roses. But before he can start officially booting the booty, Host Chris Harrison takes PLB to a room filled with photos of all the women, called the Deliberation Room. What do you bet Host Chris Harrison has a room just like this in his apartment? He asks PLB about a few of the women. In particular, Cinderosella, Andrea, Baby Jane and Whorica. PLB says he wants to get to know Cinderosella better. Which of course means she’s going home. He appreciates Andrea’s enthusiasm, and he’s just plain afraid to send Baby Jane home. Especially after he wouldn’t let her kiss him. Whorica is strange and quirky, which he likes.

While he’s looking at the photos, PLB says he has eleven roses to hand out, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Uhm, maybe hand out eleven roses? Also, he feels the pressure on him is coming down like a house of bricks. Not to be confused, of course, with a ton of cards.

Outside, Host Chris Harrison welcomes the ladies to their first rose ceremony. He tells them that Butterfly is safe, but that of the 26 women left, there are only 11 roses to hand out. Which means more than half of them will be getting on a plane and heading back to America within mere hours of being rejected. Wow, he really is a douche.

PLB tells them all they’re wonderful people, but some are just more wonderful than others. And the most wonderful are, in order: Kim, Jeanette, Jami, Ellen, SarahEh, Baby Jane, Jennifer, Gina, Whorica, Sadie and the non-dancing Italian chick.

I can’t say I’m horribly surprised by his picks, other than Cinderosella. After all the time the producers spent on her story, I thought for sure she’d be around at least another week. She sold her friggin’ car for him! I am disappointed that the Beer Chemist from Columbus didn’t make the cut, but since I can’t even remember her name at this point, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that PLB gave her the boot.

So, what do you think of PLB’s choices? More importantly, what do you think of PLB?