This Is Not My Beautiful Wife…

The Bachelor

By copygodd | Tuesday, October 17, 2006 | 11:13 pm | 19 Comments
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Well, well, well. Another week, another multiple ejection episode of The Bachelor. And these weren’t just your run-of-the-mill garden-variety multiple ejections. No, these were multiple ejections of the highest magnitude. Indeed, tonight’s episode had it all: crying, mental breakdowns, hysterics and rampant flatulance.

And that was just Prince Lorenzo! (rimshot) Host Chris Harrison greets the ho-pefuls, telling them that this week there will be three dates: a group date, a two-on-one date and an individual date. To decide who gets the individual date, one of the foremost opera instructors in all of Italy will teach each of the B’ettes an Italian aria, which they then have to perform in front of the other girls. The instructor will decide who wins the individual date. Because nothing says romance like bad singing.

Baby Jane tells us the instructor had them do a “few little octaves” to warm up. Aren’t all octaves the same size? Like it matters. Baby Jane has yet to meet an octave she wouldn’t do on her desk, baby. Jeannette, meanwhile, informs us that she “has not a single vocal chord” in her. And yet somehow she manages to continue talking. And talking. And talking…

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Gina enjoys The Virgin’s aria.

Ah, but there’s a twist. The winner won’t be selected on talent, however, but instead on effort. And who efforted most impressively? Jami. Her prize? A night at the opera with Harpo and Groucho. Actually, it’s with Cousin Larry. But wouldn’t it be cool if she’d won an evening with the Marx brothers? Especially since they’re dead. Heck, even I’d go to the opera for the chance to hang out with those maggot-infested corpses. At least they’d be more interesting than fat ladies. Yay decomposition!

LBo says he’s excited to take Jami to the opera, because they both love music, as witnessed by their bonding over Bon Jovi earlier this season. To make the evening even more special, he rented some jewelry from the local Rent-A-Center. Two million dollars worth of bling and paste, to be exact. Jami says having LZo put the earrings and necklace on her was the most special she’s ever felt: “It’s a fairy tale come true for me.” You know, due to PLB’s inconsistent use of “guys” and an almost complete lack of “amazings” from the B’ettes, I think this season’s drinking game has to be any mention of fairy tale or elements contained therein, including but not limited to “Prince Charming,” “Rumplestiltskin” and/or “Cinderella.” So drink up, bitches.

Whorica says she still stands behind her belief that Jami and PBo are not compatible: “The handsome prince dressing her up with diamonds and gloves to cover like her tattoos and everything.” As opposed to the lithium the producers gives Whorica to cover up her schizophrenia.

At the opera house, Lorenzo and Jami have the place to themselves. PLB heard Jami has the best voice of the girls, and asks if she’ll do a solo for him. “I did not have the best voice, I had the best stage presence,” she corrects him, adding, “There’s a huge difference.” That totally reminds me of the whole C&C Music Factory “Martha Wash versus Zelma Davis” battle. “Things that make you go hmmm…” indeed. It’s just too bad she doesn’t have the lyrics with her. Wait, what does Cousin Larry have in his pocket? Besides a bottle of GHB? The perfect cheer. Actually, it’s just the lyrics.

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“Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit…”

While she admits to being nervous, Jami tells us it was the perfect opportunity to show Prince Boner why she deserved to be there with him tonight. Or was it? Because she was even worse than in the rehearsals. I kept expecting the Sandman to broom her off the stage. Especially since she didn’t touch the log before her performance. At the end, LBo gives her a standing ovation, saying it was the best opera he’s ever seen. Which just proves he’s seen even less opera than I have. And the only opera I’ve ever seen is the classic Bugs Bunny episode, “What’s Opera, Doc?”

Meanwhile, back at the house, The Virgin retrieves the group date box. Baby Jane, Jeanette, Jennifer, Lisa, Gina and Sadie will be going on a group date to Tuscany. That means Whorica and The Italian will battle it out on the two-on-one date. Great. One can’t speak English, and the other can’t say no. Should be quite the evening.

Back at the opera, Jami asks PLB to talk about himself. Turns out he’s most passionate about his family, his friends and his collection of bootleg Bukkake videos. Although not necessarily in that order. Jami talks about her family a bit, and the pain of growing up with divorced parents. Thank husband the curtains open at that point and the real performance gets under way. She and Cousin Larry slow dance during the song. Afterward, they agree that tonight’s show was the best concert they’ve ever seen. How quickly they forget the nimble fingers and fret prowess of one Mr. Richie Sambora.

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“I love the mic life…”

Prince Lorenzo tells Jami that this was by far the most romantic evening of his life. If only she hadn’t ruined it by being there. He likens their time together to dancing with his best friend. He cares for her, but he wants to be honest with her. And honestly, she needs to get the fuck out of Italy. He says he’ll never forget this evening, and it was all because of her. And the way she kept harshing his mellow.

Later, Jami tells us she is in both shock and disbelief over being dumped so unceremoniously. She felt so special tonight, and now this is just the most horrible feeling in the whole world. “I totally let my guard down, and I am not that kind of girl,” she says. “Because I am totally too strong to be standing here crying over some guy.” And yet here she stands, crying over some guy. Irony, thy name is Jami from Galveston.

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The next day, PLB shows up to take the girls to Tuscany. In the short bus. Gina says there’s going to be a lot of competition today, because Comrade Lisa, The Virgin and Jennifer have each already received a rose. She’s hoping that she’ll stand out and get a rose today. Her strategy? Making pouty faces at every possible moment.

At the wine tasting, LBo shares his tasting secrets with the B’ettes: “You’re supposed to go ahead and smell it first, whirl it, then smell it again and drink it,” he says. “But all I do is I drink it.” I like his attitude. Baby Jane thanks Cousin Larry, saying she feels like a princess. “I feel like a King,” he replies. And then proffers his royal meatness on a platter of the purest silver.

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“You guys (Drink!) are amazing. (Drink!)”

Jeannette steals his princeness away for some alone time. He asks her if she has other purposes for being on the show. Evidently, he finds her hard to read. He likes her unreadableness, however. So why’s he bustin’ balls? She says she’s feeling more and more comfortable with him, but she’s not going throw herself out there, because that’s vying for attention. Which is exactly the point of the show, isn’t it? Maybe she is here for other reasons. Later, he tells us that he was blown away by Jeannette’s honesty, and that everything she said was perfect. Not to mention honest.

Meanwhile, the other girls are discussing whether or not LZo thinks today is romantic. Comrade Lisa doesn’t find it romantic at all. Don’t hate, though. She just has a hard time being around five other people and feeling romantic. Well, looks like we can cross her off the Playboy Mansion guest list. Baby Jane later tells us how much she wanted to punch Comrade Lisa in the throat. Wait, that’s me. Baby Jane says she’s trying to ignore her. Baby.

At the house, Whorica and The Italian get their date box. Whorica tells us she doesn’t like The Italian, but she’s having a hard time avoiding her, because she “hangs around annoyingly a lot.” Inside the box is a card that says “One rose. One stays. One goes.” Whorica finds the whole thing to be very scary. Other things she finds scary: Casper. Wyoming, not the ghost.

The Italian says PLB is hers. “I don’t think so, bitch,” Whorica says. The Italian isn’t worried, though, as she says Whorica is “crazy but not very beautiful.” If Whorica ever decides to make a CD, ala her idol, Paris Hilton, she should definitely call it CrazyBack.

Back on the group date, the B’ettes notice that a single rose has been brought out to the pool. The Virgin says the presence of the rose changes the mood a bit. Of course, so does the giant champagne bar that’s been set up poolside. Not to mention Cousin Larry’s jams.

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Might as well jump.

The Virgin grabs PLB for some alone time and decides to tell him her little secret before someone else does: she doesn’t shave. Anywhere. Actually, she tells him she’s so serious about relationships and marriage that she’s saving herself for marriage. So really, I guess she doesn’t have to shave after all. On a somewhat related note, I’m so serious about beer that I’m saving one till I finish this sentence. Okay, that’s done.

She doesn’t know if her virginity bothers him or not, but if it does, she hopes it’s only a little bit. Obviously, she’s never sported the balls of blue. He says the state of her hymen is something he’d never ask her about, but it does show him her values. And one thing she obviously doesn’t value are the royal testes. He thinks it’s amazing that she’s waiting for the right person, and he never expected her to be that way. So what, he expected her to be a whore? Later, he tells us he’s never actually dated a virgin, which we know can’t be true, unless he was already buying whores in sixth grade.

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“On my father’s name, this do I swear: I will hit that!”

Next, PLB takes Comrade Lisa aside for some alone time. Jeannette doesn’t like it; nor does she like Comrade Lisa. She just gets a weird vibe from her, and there’s something about her that’s untrustworthy. LZo tells Ivan that he had a great time with her at the park on their date, and also wants to know if he can kiss her. The commie gets the first kiss? Not what I expected. Comrade Lisa tells us that after she kissed Larry she felt really good, because it fits into her timeline and things are going according to her plan. Today, Prince Lorenzo! Tomorrow, Prince Albert!

Whorica and The Italian are discussing tomorrow’s showdown. She tells us that she can communicate with The Italian better than any of the other girls, because she speaks English very slowly and she uses words that sometime Agnasty would confuse. Also, it helps that she speaks English with an Italian accent. Because she’s from the Italian part of Houston.

After a quick dip in the pool, it’s time for the B’ettes to play “Truth or Dare.” Baby Jane gets the first dare: put a grape in her mouth and feed it to PLB. Come on, give her something a little harder than that. At least make her shoot a grape from her cooter into LBo’s mouth. Or make her give the value of Pi to 100 decimal places. Nah, stick with the cooter thing.

For his turn, LZo chooses “truth.” The Virgin asks him which girls in the house he’s kissed. Why did she narrow it down to girls? Does The Virgin know something we don’t? Besides the ability to curb one’s carnal desires, of course. His answer? Everyone. Because he’s kissed them on the cheek. Comrade Lisa says Cousin Larry wants to protect her, which is why he didn’t say he’d kissed her earlier that evening. “Having the other girls know about our kiss would just add more fuel to the fire.” And adding fuel to the fire isn’t on her schedule for another two weeks, three days, seven hours and three minutes. But who’s counting?

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“I’ll swallow your soul!”

The next morning, the Prince spends some alone time with Jennifer. He asks why she’s a teacher. She just fell into it, after subbing for a while. It’s a very rewarding profession. Not as rewarding as gold digging, but still…

Over breakfast, PLB says all the girls deserve a rose, but since he only has one, he’s giving it to Jeannette. She’s happy, but Comrade Lisa isn’t. Since she got the first kiss, she expected to get the rose. Don’t worry, Comrade. I’m sure you’ll get the first cold sore. And, if all goes according to plan, the first dose of tetracycline.

It’s time for Whorica and The Italian to go on their duel date. (Yes, I misspelled dual on purpose.) As Comrade Lisa says, there’s definitely going to be some drama tonight. Whorica thinks she’s 100% right for LPo, and The Italian is the least attractive girl in the house; she’s just not princess material. If only The Italian had a tiara to wear during her interviews…

When the girls arrive at Chez Larry, he informs them that they’re not going out on the town as planned; instead, they’re going to spend a quiet evening at home, eating pizza and drinking wine coolers. He tells them to go up to his closet and pick out whatever they want to wear to make themselves feel comfortable tonight. Because nothing says comfort like wearing a stranger’s underwear.

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Smell the love!

Outside, PLB spends some crazy time with Whorica. She says that he’s the most exciting thing about this experience. After all, she’s been to Rome before; she can go anytime she wants. Nothing on the trip is a novelty to her. But all of it – the helicopter, the city, being wined and dined – is a novelty to the other girls. But for her, it’s all about Cousin Larry. And the other 20 voices sharing space in her head at the moment.

“He (Prince Lorenzo) is royalty,” she tells us. “He’s not a commoner, and he definitely needs me. No one else here could do the job.” She thinks The Italian is a gold digger. She continues: “He can find a girl like Jen anywhere. A girl like Sadie who’s a virgin, okay maybe that’s a little bit rare. And a girl like Lisa is just one notch up from that. And then I am like seven notches up from that.” So she’s eight times better than a virgin. She’s still into PLB and wants him to stop being such a dumbass and show some interest in her.

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Whorica Longstocking.

Next, it’s The Italian’s turn for some alone time. PLB really likes her, but he’s still concerned about the language barrier. While her English has improved since she arrived at the house, she’s still having trouble understanding some common terms like “reverse cowgirl” and “donkey punch.” Which just shows to go you that sometimes it’s better to show than tell.

During the middle of their alone time, Whorica sneaks out onto the balcony and interrupts their conversation. That probably isn’t such a good idea considering it’s time for Larry to send someone packing. But since when has common sense ever stopped Whorica?

Upstairs, he tells Whorica he thinks she’s really an amazing girl. Not only is she beautiful, she’s also extremely bright, and it’s tough to find fault with her. However, he thinks that if he picked her, she would change and do whatever he wants her to. And that’s why he’s giving the rose to The Italian. Shit. Now what am I supposed to do? Thank husband for mental unstability. Because between the Walk of Shame and the Limo Ride of Mortification, Whorica has a meltdown of Moanic proportions. I just wish I ciould have been there to taste her tears.

Whorica doesn’t think she told PLB what he wanted to hear. “The first night I was just nervous and I told you one thing and you totally judged me from it but it turns out I was right about that anyway because you weren’t compatible with Jami and I was right but whatever.” LBo says tonight was a complete 180 for her. But that’s only because she wanted him to see a different side of her: “Just because I come from a certain background people have judged me my whole life and I thought that you would feel the same way because you probably had people judging you and it’s so not fair.” Other things that aren’t fair: carnivals.

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In the car, she rolls down the window and continues her whining. “I felt like you didn’t know me the first time and I wanted you to know me so today I tried to do my best to come off as who I really am and I just think you’re being so unfair and you wouldn’t come into tonight with an open mind and you were judgmental and you said you believe in second chances and you didn’t give me a second chance.” Man, I hope there’s an oxygen mask in that limo. Prince Lorenzo just thinks she’s too quick to judge. “I told you I was,” she cries, adding that she wanted to work on that, together. Finally, he can’t take it anymore and simply says he appreciates her coming here and he’s glad to have met her. “I’m sorry you made a really bad mistake,” she snaps back as the driver pulls away.

LBo tells us he understands people having two sides. For instance, he has his boring side and his uninteresting side. But he doesn’t understand someone having two such polar sides as Whorica.

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Alas, poor Whorica, we hardly knew ye.

Back in the limo, Whorica is just getting warmed up. “It’s unfortunate that all my, like, positive things have once again worked to my disadvantage. Every guy I’ve ever met has judged me because I’m pretty and I’m smart and I come from a privileged background and I thought that maybe if I met someone that like had those same qualities that they wouldn’t judge me but it’s not true. Every guy like me always wants some poor girl so he can be like Prince Charming (Drink!) and Cinderella (Drink!) and no one wants a grown equal and I just want my grown equal and I hope I can find him. It’s a disgusting little gross fairy tale. The poor girl meets the rich guy they fall in love and live happily ever after. I’m so bored of that story.” (Drink! Drink! Drink!)

Thinking the drama is finally over, PLB and The Italian snuggle up on the balcony to gaze at the city lights. Suddenly, the commoners storm the castle! Actually, someone on the lawn lets off a few fireworks to celebrate Whorica’s exile. Judging by the reaction of the B’ettes, they may have even had a sparkler or two.

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Finally, it’s time for this week’s Rose Ceremony. Jeannette and The Italian have already won roses, so they’re safe. Prince Larry has four more roses, but there are five girls left. That means one girl will be given her walking papers. In order, he gives roses to: The Virgin, Comrade Lisa, Jennifer and Baby Jane. That means The Pouter is going home.

Let’s listen in on Gina’s meltdown, shall we? “This is totally devastating. He picked six other women over me. I don’t know what he saw in them that he didn’t see in me. I would’ve given my everything to him. My life. My children.” What, you can just give children away? You mean I didn’t have to get snipped after all? Damn you, mrs. copygodd!! Gina continues: “That’s why I was here. This is not my fairy tale ending. (Drink!) I really truly felt something for him. And I thought I would stay. I thought he would give me that chance to get to know him more. I just don’t understand. I didn’t find my Prince Charming in Italy (Drink!) but he’s out there for me somewhere. I know it in my heart. It’s so sad.”

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So, what did you think of this week’s episode? Was it sad? Are you are surprised/disappointed at Whorica’s early exit? With she and Gina now gone, who will be supplying the drama now? My money’s on Comrade Lisa and Baby Jane. Yours?

About

19 Comments

  1. 1
    solost
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 6:21 am

    LBo pulled a sweet move by taking Jami out in $2 mill of diamonds, and then sending her home. They failed to show us when and how he ripped off the jewels before she got kicked out, but she sure as shit wasn’t wearing them home! Why bother giving a girl the most romantic date ever, and kick her to the curb. Shame on you, LBo.

  2. 2
    HoneyBunny
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 7:51 am

    cg – excellent recap…you had me at the Marx Brothers/Night at the Opera…and 2 hard boiled eggs.
    The Jami ejection was harsh. She wins the date, she gets the rocks, she gets a standing O, she gets the slow dance and then she gets the but you make my wiener limp so see ya later gator boot. Ouch!
    He kisses the tree hugger – what a sap (I crack myself up). Things are going along according to her schedule…oh, wait. She didn’t get the rose! Off Schedule…Off Schedule.
    Virgin Sadie outed herself. She’ll be gone soon.
    Erica was a mess – from her straw weave to the fugly outfits she whore (it’s like I am channeling cg) and her breakdown was wonderful. “I am a mean, nasty, judgmental bitch and no one sees that as an asset. Boo Hoo Hoo.”
    Gina doesn’t get a rose…who? Oh yea – the rubber face chick. Oh well.

    hb

  3. 3
    pixies_rock
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 9:40 am

    I was bummed to see Gina go only because my roommate and I came up with the best nickname for her. Scowler Monkey. Alas we will see your scowls again at the reunion show my little scowler monkey.

  4. 4
    mandymax
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 9:43 am

    It always amuses me how these women had no idea the Bachelor in question even existed until they came onto the show, and then they break down in hysterics when he doesn’t choose them because “I felt something for him! I loved him! I would’ve given him everything!”

    ????????????????????

    You just met the guy. You hardly spent any quality one-on-one time with him at all. And yet you already know you LOOOVE him???

  5. 5
    nycid
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 12:00 pm

    Why does everyone keep saying that Comrade Lisa had the first kiss? Doesn’t anyone remember last week when the Italian attacked him? You even have a picture from last week:
    http://www.tvgasm.com/archives/the_bachelor/002881.php?page=all

  6. 6
    livemusicjunkie
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 1:00 pm

    soloist/#1 – I was thinking the SAME thing about the jewels being taken off of her because when she was talking to the camera they were gone. They couldn’t have at least waited until she was done with her “camera time”.

    As for Whorica – seriously, that girl is delusional. She’s worse than the rotten doctor from the last bachelor. She is NOT attractive nor smart. And her hair??? I was hoping to see a screenshot of the back of her head when you could totally see her crappy weave. WTF? How much money can she really have if she can’t even afford a decent weave??? Sorry, but if Paris (who I also can’t stand) is who she idolizes, does Whorica not realize that you can’t tell when Paris has her weave in??? I can’t wait to see that broad on the reunion show.

  7. 7
    BigMax
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 1:10 pm

    Scowler monkey is fantastic. I’m cracking up.

  8. 8
    copygodd
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 1:29 pm

    scowler monkey is great. but where were you the past couple weeks when i was looking for a nickname for gina? huh? ;-)

    as for comrade lisa getting the first kiss… she was the first one plb asked to kiss, whereas the italian just grabbed his face and went to town.

  9. 9
    BigMax
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 1:44 pm

    CG — Comrade Lisa and her 5 year plan and Whorica are truly excellent also!

  10. 10
    TWilliams
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 4:43 pm

    Please, God, let Erica be ABCs next Bachelorette! Seriuosly.

  11. 11
    Volcat
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 5:26 pm

    Excellent idea, T! That would be great TV. Can you imagine her explaining her warped sense of values to the guys?

  12. 12
    zoobabe
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 7:35 pm

    fantastic episode (and recap too cgodd)! Interesting to me that they never showed Jamie’s bags being taken out like they do when the girl gets the boot on the date. That was SO painful to watch! Erica was just psycho, and Gina was close to it with her “my life, my children” line. hard to feel sorry for old scowler monkey after that one. I still like the Virgin. Being deflowered on national TV has got to count for something, so she should go for it!

  13. 13
    Victoria
    Posted October 18, 2006 at 8:12 pm

    It seemed like there was some stuff missing from this episode. Like who decided that Whorica and The Italian got the two-on-one date? They usually explain that process. And I cannot wait to see what happens when that nutter butter comes back next week. I was under the impression they gave these girls a psych test before they came on. How did Whorica pass that? That and the blood test they give them.

  14. 14
    chick110
    Posted October 19, 2006 at 6:09 am

    Dang it, I missed the eviction of Whorica??? That would have made my whole week too… :/

  15. 15
    gravelpup
    Posted October 19, 2006 at 8:24 am

    cg, I can’t believe you missed Whorica’s explanation that she was closest to The Italian because “I use small words that she can understand, and I speak slowly and with an Italian accent.” I almost fell off the couch laughing.

  16. 16
    gravelpup
    Posted October 19, 2006 at 8:31 am

    …um, and now I see that you didn’t miss that after all. Carry on.

  17. 17
    connor7777
    Posted October 19, 2006 at 5:48 pm

    I have to say I am not a fan of blogs but this bachelor post had my entire office dying today. Check it out:
    http://theinandouts.wordpress.com/2006/10/19/the-bachelor-bateman/

  18. 18
    anniedawg25
    Posted October 19, 2006 at 5:56 pm

    I honestly like to watch this show only so I can see how much creepier and creepier “Prince” Lorenzo gets with each episode.

  19. 19
    simper1
    Posted October 23, 2006 at 6:46 pm

    I COMPLETELY agree with TWilliams that Erica should be the next Bachelorette. She is incredible. Read more here

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