Wine Is Fine But Liquor’s Quicker

Two weeks in to this season of The Bachelor and it’s already time for few observations. First, Gina has yet to meet a face she can’t make. Kim can’t hold her liquor. Whorica is batshit crazy. And the commenters are pretty good at coming up with nicknames for Prince Lorenzo Borghese. So far we’ve got LBo, PBo, PZo, PLo, Larry and Prince Douchy McDoucherson. There were also a couple of comments about his resemblance to Balki, so we can probably toss Cousin Larry into the mix as well. For now, I think I’ll just throw them all against the TVgasm office wall and see what sticks.

Did I mention Kim can’t hold her liquor?Host Chris Harrison greets the B’ettes outside. He’s looking quite undapper this week, dressed in a pinkish shirt and white slacks. His shirt is untucked, so I can’t be certain, but I’m betting those pants come with their own belt. He then explains the rules of the show, and the girls act like it’s all a surprise to them. Because I’m sure none of them have ever watched before. The show, I mean.

Since Lisa got the first rose last week, this week she gets the first individual date. If, however, Cousin Larry doesn’t give her another rose at the end of the date, she’s on the last train to Clarksville. Or the midnight train to Georgia. Whichever Travelocity has a better rate for. Whorica, who’s wearing her tiara again, is really annoyed that Lisa gets the date, as she’s already received a rose and a pair of earrings. “And to get it, all she had to do was run around and hug some trees.” Actually, Whorica is more upset that she didn’t think of Lisa’s strategy first. After all, she’s hugged more than her share of big wood over the years.

Host Chris Harrison then presents the first group date box. The first B’ettes to go on a group date are Whorica, Jami, Ellen, Sadie and The Italian. Inside the box are the bones of a dead frog and Lemiwinks the Gerbil King. Oh wait, that’s Whorica’s box I’m talking about. My bad. The date box has a camera and a map. And another dead frog.

The Italian tells us that she doesn’t speak a lot of English. I thought the subtitles would’ve given that away, but evs. She also says it’s hard living with American girls, as they’re crazy. Evidently, craziness is looked down upon in Italy. Except, of course, for Roberto Beligni.

Speaking of crazy, Whorica has a problem with her room. Actually, she has a problem with the whole house. Overall, she’s just not that impressed with PLo’s castle. But for now, she’s more focused on the slave quarters the producers are trying to pass off as her bedroom. While the other girls are having champagne, she hunts down Host Chris Harrison and complains that she doesn’t want to live in a room with three other girls. Her room at home is like ten times the size of this one, and she doesn’t see any maids. No maids? THE HORROR!!

Whorica thinks it’s ridiculous that there are no maids, so she wants to know if she can hire one of the other girls to be her maid. Host Chris Harrison humors her, saying she just has to deal with it, and hope that Cousin Larry is worth the sacrifice. I don’t know if I’d be so flippant with Whorica if I were Host Chris Harrison, as her hair is made of straw and she could easily put his eye out with but a single strand.

Right on cue, LBo shows up for his first group date. He doesn’t think that being a prince prepares him for dating five women at once, but it’s going to be great. First stop on the group date is the Coliseum, where they get to pose with fake gladiators. Seems fair, since he is somewhat of a fake prince. He hands the camera off to one of the B’ettes and goes off for some alone time with The Italian. Whorica tells us she’s not sure whether The Italian’s real name is “Agnes, or Agnasty, or something like that.” She’s very indifferent to her, because she doesn’t speak English. Much like the help Mummy and Daddy employ back at the Chateau.

The Italian tells Cousin Larry that she can teach him something in Italian. He tells her to say “You’re a handsome man and I’m in love with you.” Why would he want to learn how to say that? Mayhaps the Prince is a bit more Eurotrash than we we’ve been led to believe?

Next, they all rent scooters and tool around the streets of Rome. Last spring, mrs. copygodd and I took an Alaskan cruise for our anniversary, and we rented scooters on Prince Rupert Island. It really is as fun as it looks. Although it did give me bad case of helmet hair. It turns out Whorica’s license had “expired” so she had to ride on the back of Cousin Larry’s scooter. The other girls aren’t buying it, though. An expired license is just socialitese for “My driver is back home in Houston.”

Instead of just enjoying the ride, however, Whorica keeps yammering about her old boyfriends. PLB can’t hear her all that well, so he misses most of the story about the first guy she had sex with and how it wasn’t that nice. Ugh. I hate her. But I hope she stays around for a few more weeks. Because I love saying Whorica!

That night, he takes the ho-pefuls to a cocktail party. Before the party starts, they get to pick a new cocktail dress, which they get to keep. We get several shots of the girls in varying states of undress, which I’m sure EdHill is loving. Finally, they all get a dress they like and it’s time to rejoin PZo. He’s so stunned at their collective beauty that he stammers out not one but two “You guys look awesome.” Drink! Drink!

Ellen says the night is like a fairy tale. She wants someone to pinch her, because she’s afraid she’s going to wake up, and she doesn’t want to. Wait, wouldn’t being pinched wake her up? If not, seeing this should do the trick.

Jami and Larry are talking about tattoos. He says he doesn’t have any, but he’s seen hers. “Which one did you see?” she asks. Ooh, more than one? Color me intrigued. He says the one on her leg. She says tattoos are all a personal choice: “You are who you are.” But LBo is confused by the stars and butterfly motif. She says the butterfly was her first one; she was sixteen when she got it. He asks if it was because at sixteen she was no longer a caterpillar; in actuality, the tattoo artist couldn’t design a unicorn for shit.

Back at Chez Lorenzo, Lisa’s date box arrives. She thinks the other girls might be a little jealous of her: “How could you not be?” Uhm, because you’re a faux tree-hugging idiot? Just a guess. For her date, she’ll go on a picnic in the park. Baby Jane thinks Lisa is acting a bit too arrogant. Interesting side note: Last week we learned that Cinderosella sold her car to be on the show. What I forgot to mention was that Baby Jane sold all her bras.

Meanwhile, the group date is still going on. Whorica wants to spend some alone time with PLo, so she drags him away from the other ho-pefuls. Jami really dislikes Whorica, and is already making fun of the way she plays with her hair. I’m starting to like Jami. Even though she is just a commoner-farm-girl from Galveston.

Cousin Larry asks Whorica if she hates any of the other girls yet. She thinks there are some who aren’t good matches for him. Mainly, all the ones who have to work for a living. Actually, she says that Jami isn’t a good match for PLB, because she didn’t go to college. And going to college is very important to Whorica. Why? Who the hell knows. It’s not like she’s doing anything with her degree. Evidently, not having a degree and working for a living is less prestigious than having a degree yet still sponging off your rich parents.

Douchy says that stuff isn’t as important to him; he just cares if someone has a good heart. Not Whorica, though. A college education and a person’s background are very important, because it’s important to her to be able to have good conversations with people. PLB says she can’t judge somebody because they haven’t had what she’s had. But Whorica says she does judge. It’s what she majored in at college. At that, they agree to disagree, and I’m saddened by what will surely be the early eviction of one of my best sources of material for the season. Damn you and your judging ways, Whorica!!

Later, PBo says he’s not trying to put Whorica down, but she is a dirty whore. Okay, he didn’t say that. He says he was just trying to point out their differences. Primarily that he’s a prince and she’s a dirty whore.

The other B’ettes can tell something’s wrong in Whoreville. At first, she acts like she doesn’t want to talk about it, but there’s no way Whorica can not be the center of attention for longer than a few minutes at a time, so she spills. She’s upset that PLB doesn’t care about the same things she cares about; namely, judging other people. She says Cousin Larry makes her feel like a bad person, because he grew up even more privileged than she did, and yet he doesn’t judge people, and she does. How is that possible? She finishes by saying that some other girl is going to get a rose and she’s going to hate her and it’s not fair because that person doesn’t deserve it. Or something to that effect. Honestly, I was laughing so hard that I lost track.

While all this is going on, Sadie is making the most of her time with LBo. And by making the most of her time, of course, I mean doing nothing. Because if you haven’t heard by now, Sadie is a VIRGIN! After a few questions about her background, The Virgin turns the tables and starts quizzing Cousin Larry about his motives. He says he wouldn’t have agreed to do the show if he didn’t think he had a shot at finding love. And he thanks her for providing a moment of sanity during this whole crazy thing. Wow, wonder who he could be talking about there?

It’s time to award the rose from tonight’s group date. And of course it goes to the most undeserving person of all: The Virgin! How can she deserve a rose if she hasn’t even had her rose plucked, so to speak? Whorica is not happy. Let’s listen in, shall we? “He must not really want a true princess, because I am a true princess. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been raised to be one; he could care less. All the things that I thought gave me an advantage, don’t. I don’t think I can even handle sitting in the rose ceremony and I don’t want to. I’ll be so embarrassed and I can’t handle it and I just can’t. Sniffle sniffle sniffle.” Other things she can’t handle: conditioner.

The next day, Lisa is getting ready for her one-on-one date. As she explained last week, she’s only 25, but she already has her whole love-life mapped out: she wants to be engaged in a year, married in two and breeding in five. The other girls ask what she’ll do if she doesn’t get a rose during the date. She says it’s not going to happen. She already has the whole date planned out: She wants to eat in 60 minutes, give PBo a handjob in 127 and get the rose in 130. Give or take a minute.

PLB takes her to his most favorite park in all of Rome: Villa Borghese Park, which used to belong to his family. It’s over 7,000 square meters, and is the largest and most famous park in Rome. He says the park means a lot to him and his family history. And, evidently, the bums sleeping on the benches.

Lisa tells PZo this is her perfect idea of a date: just hanging out and being normal. She tells us that she’s watched a lot of seasons of The Bachelor and knows the process does work. And she bases this on all the successful marriages the show has spawned? Maybe she got The Bachelor confused with Romber. Anyway, with her timeline, this feels like she’s on the right path. Larry says he brought Lisa to the park because there are a lot of trees for her to hug. I totally forgot I was going to start calling Lisa Butterfly. But based on her adherence to the five year plan (which, like communism, is surely destined for failure), I’ve decided to change her name to Comrade Lisa.

PLB says he thinks that a lot of people today are just getting married because everyone else is: “Oh, I want to be married by the time I’m 30, or I want to have three kids by the time I’m 29. It’s not just about love, it’s about timing.” Shenanigans! The producers have to be feeding him info. There’s no way he’d know to talk about that. Needless to say, Comrade Lisa is stunned. “Yeah, definitely,” is all she can muster. Later, she tells us that she’s worried her five-year plan might freak LBo out a little, but since she wants the rose so badly, she’s going to wait a few more dates to tell him about it. Wow, I love relationships built on honesty and trust.

Back at the castle, the girls are comparing chocolate to sex. Baby Jane want to know how old everyone was when they lost their virginity. More planted questions! The Virgin admits she’s saving herself for marriage. Whorica can’t believe it. Why, she’s already had sex with three people that very morning. The Virgin says she’s dated guys that have respected her wishes and not pushed it, which basically means she’s a fag hag. Of course, Gina makes a face.

Comrade Lisa and PLB are sharing a platter of cheeseburgers. She also tells us she’d be really surprised if she doesn’t receive a rose. Cousin Larry explains to her the meaning of a certain statue. Basically, it had something to do with an army and some fruit, which you’d think would fall under “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” but I guess the Roman army’s a little more understanding in that regard. Anyway, he gives Comrade Lisa a rose. She thinks that, based on her track record, the other girls are going to think of her as their biggest competition. Because she is: “How can I not be?” Hmm, let me count the ways…

Speaking of the other girls, the second date basket arrives at the castle. This one contains an invitation to a day of fun on the Mediterranean coast. All the girls go crazy, except for Whorica, who’s convinced that none of them deserve it as much as she does. And by “it,” of course, she means a straight jacket.

The next day, LZo arrives at the castle. In a helicopter. And he brings an extra copter with him, to help transport all the booty. The ho-pefuls are way too excited about the whole thing. I bet they won’t be so excited when the Apocalypse Now reenactment happens.

At the beach, the B’ettes are treated to an open bar and all the old men in Speedos they can handle. Once LBo takes off his shirt (which prompts Baby Jane too leave a slug trail on her beach chair), they decide to play a game of football. As Jennifer tells us, “It was the blonde bombshells versus the beautiful brunettes.” And they got down and dirty. SarahEh lost her bottoms, but says it was worth it because her team won. I like that girl’s moxie! Not to mention her blurry ass!

While the other girls are sunning themselves, Jennifer snags a little alone time with PLB. She finds out he played football, squash and baseball when he was in school. He learns she was a really crappy cheerleader.

Baby Jane gets her alone time next. And we learn she’s a very kinky girl. The kind you don’t take home to Mother. But who will do you on your desk at work. Lar seems put off by her openness. Even more so when she says she wants it morning, noon and night. She tells us she’s very comfortable in her skin: “And I am a little kinky, baby.” Larry says he hasn’t been called “baby” since he was in diapers, but the fact that it’s Baby Jane and she’s bouncing up and down and has a big smile on her face when she says it makes him love it.

While Baby Jane goes off swimming, the other girls talk smack about her babyness. And Gina makes another face. Kim tries to join the conversation, but she’s so trashed that no one knows what she’s talking about. Eventually she passes out, but not before falling out of frame during her interview. Boo creepy cameraman! Hooray beer!

Down on the beach, PLB gives the rose to Jennifer. And all the other girls are totally bummed, dude. Except for Kim, who’s still passed out. Jennifer says she’ll never forget this moment: “I’ve never looked out at the Mediterranean sunset. With a prince. And gotten a rose.” The way she says it makes it sound like she’s done all of those things at separate times, but never all at once.

PLB comes back up and tries to wake up Kim, using his finger as a smelling salt. It totally reminds me of college, except I doubt he stuck his finger up his poop shoot before doing it. The way Kim wakes up is priceless. We’re not equipped to do Clipgasms here in the Rocky Mountain offices, but I did catch screen grabs of her subtitled gibberish. Enjoy!

When she finally becomes coherent again, Kim tries to blow it off, saying she thought LBo was the waiter. Yeah, she’s going home tonight. Although I’d keep her. Because really, who here among us hasn’t done something just as embarrassing? Besides, I’m a drunk.

Back at the castle, it’s time for one more cocktail party. PLB says tonight’s party is very important, because he needs to send three more girls home later. So he spends some one-on-one time with a few of the girls before he makes his decision.

The first is with The Italian. He thinks she’s gorgeous, energetic and motivated, and has anything any guy would ever want. But there is a language barrier, and that concerns him. He tells her he likes that she’s trying so hard, and appreciates the fact that she’s putting up with the crazy American girls. To show her appreciation, she grabs him and eats his face.

Next, he talks with Kim. He says he was shocked by her falling asleep on their first date. Falling asleep, of course, being the royal euphemism for passing out. She says that it was just a long day, so she shut her eyes for a little bit. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad person. It’s just like that time I was about to lose my virginity, rolled off my date and threw up all over the side of the bed. That didn’t make me a bad person either. But it did ensure I remained a virgin until the seventh grade.

Comrade Lisa grabs Cousin Larry, which makes no sense since she already has a rose. On the way out, she tells Ellen and The Virgin to stop talking crap about her. Ellen says they weren’t talking crap. And Comrade Lisa tells Larry: “Those two? Never. Never ever.” Needless to say, Ellen is none too happy. Neither is The Virgin and the other ho-pefuls. So they start talking about how crappy it is that Comrade Lisa is taking up PLB’s time when she already has a rose. Just like I did a few sentences back.

Jami and Baby Jane decide to go exploring. They end up in LBo’s bedroom, where they take turns holding up his boxers and rolling in his sheets. Baby Jane says: “I had to sniff those sheets. I had to roll in those sheets. I had to know that my body had been in those sheets.” I bet she’d say the same thing about a plushy pile too. “I had to sniff that raccoon costume. I had to roll around in that raccoon costume. I had to know that my body had been in that raccoon costume. All while getting my leg humped by a guy in a kitty kat costume.” Just then, PZo shows up. Rather than be upset at the intrusion, however, he says it’s a dream come true.

Downstairs, Ellen decides to confront Comrade Lisa about her comments. Of course, Comrade Lisa denies making them. It doesn’t help matters any that what Ellen accuses her of saying Comrade Lisa didn’t actually say. Evs. If they’re not going to throw down, I don’t care.

Nothing settles drama like dancing, so the B’ettes head upstairs to get down with the sickness. SarahEh says they wanted to see if PLB had skillz. After watching the footage, the answer is a resounding no. But he has money, so nobody cares.

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Whorica says “she definitely 100% wants a rose tonight, because Lorenzo is royalty, he’s not a commoner. And he definitely needs me.” Because every prince needs a wife who weaves moldy hay into her hair.

The Virgin, Comrade Lisa and Jennifer are safe, since they were given roses during their dates. Before making his decision, Cousin Larry says if he could, he would date them all, but he can’t. What do you mean, you can’t? You’re a friggin’ prince! Surely you have enough clout to have Host Chris Harrison knocked off. Please? Anyway, in order, he gives roses to: Jeanette, Baby Jane, Jami, Gina (who finally smiles), The Italian and, finally, Whorica. And nobody is more shocked than I am at that last selection. Except maybe Whorica. That means SarahEh, Kim and Ellen are going home.

SarahEh’s not happy about putting her heart out and being rejected. Kim, meanwhile, asks “who doesn’t go to the beach and have fun and have a long day in the sun and sit in a chair and go to sleep?” Uhm, besides every ho-peful not named Kim? She says she doesn’t want to date someone who would pick Whorica or Jami over her. That’s good, because evidently he doesn’t want to date you either.

So, what did you think of this week’s episode?