There’s probably only one or two of you that know this, but before I started recapping The Bachelor I used to recap The Biggest Loser. (And WWE: RAW, but I try not to think about that when I’m sober.) Anyway, just as one of the hardest things about covering The Biggest Loser was trying not to rely on cheap fat jokes, it’s getting harder and harder every week not to rely on cheap sex jokes in my Bachelor recaps.
Heh heh. I said harder. Twice.
We start off this week’s episode with a nice beefcake shot of Dr. McStork running (shirtless, natch) down a backFrench road. Happy now, Mom? In the chateau, Travis tells us his two best friends, Dr. Matt and Dr. Kevin, are in Paris to meet the remaining ho-pefuls, and to choose who goes on which date. Armed with a skeleton, alcohol and three engagement rings, they set out to see how the girls handle stress. It’s like watching my honeymoon video all over again. Without all the crying. They ask each woman to point out the largest and most powerful muscle in the human body. Of course, SaraH-eh? points to the general groinal area. Other guesses include the tongue, forearm and brain. All wrong, of course, as the correct answer is ass. Yes, the doctors were looking for ass.
Next they ask the women to pick one of three diamond rings they’d like Travis to give them. Some try to pick the ring they think the doctors want them to pick, while others (I’m talking to you, MOANA) go for the bling. “IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m as shallow as a kiddie pool,” she says as justification. And as interesting as a box of hair.
Finally, Matt and Kevin ask the women if they have any special talents. A few highlights: SaraH-eh? did the splits; Susan juggled; Silo breakdanced (or is it brokedance?); Jennifer modeled; and PlainSaraH stuck her fist in her mouth. How ever will Travis’ friends pick a winner?
Welcome back to The Delicious Dish…
After the interviews are over, the girls retire to the house for more drinking. Unfortunately, the Date Box arrives and interrupts their drinking. However, when Susan is revealed to have won the solo date, everyone else goes back to drinking. The box contains an envelope that simply reads “Open with Travis”. Of course, SaraH-eh? is totally jealous, because she thought she was a shoo-in for the solo date. No matter, though, as Travis has already promised the first kiss would be hers. And we all know a doctor would never lie to someone he barely knew. Especially not one who’s as interested in his groinal area as he is hers.
While Susan is happy about winning the individual date, she’s also a little freaked out, as she knows she could be going home that night, ala K-Whack, she of the Billy-Bob teef. Travis drops by to pick up Susan for their date, and together they open the mysterious black envelope. Inside is a note from Matt and Kevin: “Nothing tests a relationship like finding your way through a foreign country.” Ironically, this was also Matt’s pickup line back in gynecology school.
Armed with a compass, maps and a dream, Travis and Susan squeeze into a tiny clown car. Seriously. I kept waiting for a line of bloody Wayne Gacys to climb out of the back seat. They need to navigate their way from the girls’ house to the CafÃƒÂ© de la Paix (translation: Kitchen of the Pig) in Paris. Of course, they immediately get lost, although Travis does score points for stopping to ask for directions. Unfortunately, he lost all his points for simply asking “Paris, oui?” over and over again. At least he didn’t ask for “direction-os to el Paris-o.” Although that would’ve ruled-o. Finally, after three hours, they arrive at their destination. And how do we know they’ve arrived? Because of the jabillion shots of the stupid Eiffel Tower they keep forcing on us. Yeah, Paris has a tower. We get it.
In the restaurant, Travis tells Susan to pay no attention to the rose sitting on the table, which is sitting right there. Next to their dinner. “Just have fun,” he tells her, before shoving a snail in his gaping maw. Despite her nervousness, Susan decides to take the direct approach with Travis and asks how he can still be single. “I can’t imagine anyone not being aggressive enough to catch your eye,” she says. “I don’t want to ever be divorced,” Travis answers. “I don’t ever want to regret marrying the wrong person.” Susan can’t believe his answer. “Oh my god, I completely agree with you,” she says, adding, “I never want to marry the wrong person either! Let’s not marry the wrong person together!”
Back at the manor, the girls are sitting around the kitchen table doing what else? Drinking. And bitching about the one girl who isn’t there drinking with them. DrunkTara and SaraH-eh? think Susan is there for the wrong reasons. SaraH-eh? whines that Susan actually wants to be an actress. The NERVE of that woman! Why, this accusation might mean more if SaraH-eh? weren’t already an actress herself! (WARNING: Possible spoiler in link.)
PlainSaraH also thinks Susan is there for the wrong reasons. As is Moana. And DrunkTara. And pretty much every other vagina currently taking up space within a five-mile radius of the chateau. Maybe it’s time PlainSaraH sets up a hard perimeterÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ around the Bachelor’s pants!
Back at the Pig Kitchen, Susan shares with Travis how nervous she is. I’d think her pit stains were a giveaway, but whatever. Confession is good for the soul. “You’re amazing,” she gushes. “I like you so much, and I feel it so much, it freaks me out.” Other things that freak Susan out: circus freaks.
“You don’t need to feel any self-doubt,” Travis tells her. “Every single guy in Paris is hoping you’re going to walk out those doors alone.” Including the man trapped in the invisible box and the man fighting a windstorm? “Because you’re beautiful, and you have a lot of depth, and I was wondering if you’d accept this rose.” Smooth, Travis. With a capital “OO.”
Susan accepts the rose, and they share a light kissie-kiss. Travis later tells us it was flattering to see how appreciative she was to get a rose. As opposed to getting dumped and sent packing? They go out on the terrace and get a tad more intimate. Which for Travis means not calling her “guy” for five minutes. Eventually, they kiss a little more, and Susan admits to falling for the big lug. “I never thought I’d be crazy about you,” she says. “But I’m done. I’m a smitten kitten.” Ugh. Is Crazy Poetry Lady writing for Susan now? If Travis had any stones, he’d have tossed her over the balcony right then and there. As it is, I’m forced to toss back another two shots of Jaeger just to get the taste out of my mouth.
Back at the house, the girls are Ã¢â‚¬” you guessed it Ã¢â‚¬” drinking! And wondering whether or not Susan and Travis are playing smoochie-face. The next Date Box arrives, disguised as a Treasure Chest. The names of five ho-pefuls Ã¢â‚¬” Moana, DrunkTara, PlainSaraH, Jihad and Silo Ã¢â‚¬” are written on the lid. Inside the box they find the withered left hand of Jimmy Hoffa and a Oujia Board, which they use to learn they’re going to the French Riviera for an overnight date with Dr. T. SaraH-eh? tells us the French Riviera is the “dream date of all dream dates”, but she’s hoping her two-on-one date with Travis and Jennifer is extravagant too. Maybe they’ll go see the Eiffel Tower! That would be totally wicked.
The next day, Travis picks up the girls and together they fly to the south of France. PlainSaraH tells us how excited she is: “I cannot believe this. We are going to be pimping with Puff Daddy and Beyonce!” Never one to be out-pimped, Silo describes the boat as a “Pimp Daddy Yacht.” And I gotta admit, with its buffet, hot tub, multiple decks, pool and gold-encrusted bedrooms, it did look seaworthy. But could she withstand the rigors of a three-hour cruise? Aaarrrr, soon we be about to find outÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
Travis and the girls strip down and start dancing. I’ll let DrunkTara supply the commentary: “We’re so happy to spend time with Travis. He always is just the life of the party. I don’t think that any woman could say she’s not attracted to him.” (Except maybe this woman.) “Because he is just chiseled, great face, great buildÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ he’s what ever woman would want.”
Especially if that woman’s name is Moana, who takes this opportunity to emerge from her cone of silence and grab Travis all for herself, making their getaway on a nearby jet ski. Of course, this just pisses off the other group daters, who can’t believe she had the audacity to monopolize Travis’ time after being so ambivalent about him over the past few days. PlainSaraH tells us that Moana is “definitely playing the game now. All of a sudden, she’s being very aggressive toward Travis, and I don’t understand that, because she hasn’t seemed all that interested from day one.” Perhaps Moana’s eggs have finally passed their expiration date? Inquiring minds want to know.
Regardless of PlainSaraH’s opinion, Moana is obviously interested enough to go jet skiing with young Dr. Stork. As she explains it: “Up until this point, I’ve been laying low in the back, and I decided it was time to step up to the plate and get out of the monotony of being in a group with other people.” I think I liked Moana better when she didn’t talk. Travis, however, likes Moana Version-Slut.ty. “Moana is a bit more proactive than the other women about getting her way, and that’s one of the things I really like about her.” He also really likes her proactive breastesses.
I did not have sexual relations with that cigar.
Back on the boat, Travis tells the girls to shower, because they stink of elderberries and wizards. Plus, he’s taking them out someplace nice that appreciates neither elderberries nor wizards. Turns out they’re going gambling, which of course is just another excuse to drink. And, in Moana’s case, smoke a honking big cigar. In fact, so honking and so big was this cigar that from now on I shall call her Monica. Silo asks Travis if he’d like to go for a walk. Once they’re out of earshot, she tells him she hopes he’ll give everyone in the group a fair chance. “We’re not all willing to take a cigar for you,” she says. Travis tells her he won’t give a rose to any woman who doesn’t have feelings for him. Speaking of which, the other girls are taking this opportunity to confront Monica about her true intentions. “I don’t know,” she says. “I’m not going to flash forward.” Other things Monica’s not going to do: make sense.
Back at the ho-peful house, Susan, SaraH-eh? and Jennifer are sharing a carrot with their drinks when the next Date Box arrives. This one has two cards in it.
On the yacht, the girls tell Travis it’s time to hand out the rose. Not so fast, bitches. Travis instead takes PlainSarah above-board (is that how you say upstairs on a boat?) for some alone time. Which of course leaves the remaining women free to drink and carp. DrunkTara says she doesn’t think PlainSaraH is Travis’ type. “She’s sweet and naÃƒÂ¯ve and I think he wants someone puts the extra ‘oomph’Ã¢â‚¬Â¦ you know?” You know what else he wants, DrunkT? Someone who puts the extra drink down. You know?
Upboard/above-stairs, PlainSaraH is trying to make her case. “We have all this stuff in common,” she tells Travis. “We’re both outdoorsy people, we have the Nashville thing in common, all that in common.” By my count, that’s two things. What else you got, PlainSaraH? Evidently nothing, as she switches gears and says she feels a connection and wants to know him. Judging by the look on our Bachelor’s face, and his response, I’m not sure they have that in common. “Part of me thinks (about PlainSaraH), ‘she never really dates, she gets along so well with the other womenÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ is she a sexual being?” Damb! I think he just called PlainSaraH a eunuch! Or Hillary Clinton.
Amazingly, she just laughs this off. Travis presses her, and asks if she ever gets passionate about anything. Oh, she gets passionate all right. In fact, she has a whole list of things she’s passionate about, including the TWO THINGS THEY HAVE IN COMMON!
Hey look, it’s DrunkTara making another reverse cock-block. (Anyone have any suggestion for what we can call this instead of a reverse cock-block? Because they’re not blocking Travis so much as the other girls. If so, kindly leave them in the Suggestion Box.) Turns out she just wants to let Travis know the girls are going to get in the hot tub soon. Travis asks for a few more minutes, but doesn’t get them as DrunkTara and Monica make their way up to the Jacuzzi. PlainSaraH wants to finish telling Travis how PASSIONIATE she is, but he tells her they’ll talk about it later and walks her back downboard/below-stairs. Reverse cock-block, DENIED!
Later, the girls ask Travis if he’s ready to hand out the rose yet. “The rose is going to stay up all night,” he tells them, “while we actually get some sleep.” Anyone want to hazard a guess as to what else might be staying up all night? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
The next morning, the women are sitting around drinking coffee (for once) and talking about how they don’t want to go back when Monica slips off to deliver Travis a cup of coffee. Unfortunately for Monica, the producers have secretly replaced Dr. Stork’s testosterone with Folger’s Estrogen, so instead of the action she’s craving she merely gets a snuggle and total cheese-dick line. “I love having five women with me,” he tells her, “but I wish when we were out jet skiing we could’ve just come back to the boat and been alone.” Monica just laughs at him. Yay Monica!
Suddenly, the other women realize they’re drinking non-alcoholic coffee, and boy are they pissed. Of course, the fact that they also noticed Monica’s not there doesn’t help matters. PlainSaraH is really upset, and says it’s the meanest thing Monica’s done on this trip. Yeah, I can’t believe she got Travis a cup of coffee. What a BITCH!
Travis and Monica rejoin the girls, and he tells everyone he’s finally ready to give out the rose. Big surprise, he gives it to Monica. Even bigger surprise, she acts like she doesn’t want it. Oh you two, get a room! Oh wait, you just did. After Travis leaves, the others ask Monica if she sees herself with him. She tells them she pleads the “4th or 5th amendment” and says it’s yet to be developed. PlainSaraH is so upset over Monica’s shenanigans she later starts to cry in her interview. It was pretty funny. In a sad clown sort of way.
Finally, we’re off that godforsaken boat and back at the chateau. Jennifer is wondering what their two-on-one date is going to be: “The other girls got to go to the French RivieraÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ what are we going to have to do, go to the moon to top their date? M-O-O-N, that spells killer date.” Unfortunately for Jennifer, M-O-O-N actually spells camping. And since SaraH-eh? is an avid camper and Jennifer is an avid not-camper, it’s not looking good for Matt and Kevin’s favorite swimsuit model.
Travis tells Jen that camping is the best way to get to know someone. “Just try to be open-minded and enjoy it,” he says, trying to reassure her. “Open-minded means watching out for bugs and peeing in the woods,” her open-mindedness replies. Hey, at least it doesn’t mean peeing on Travis. Or does itÃ¢â‚¬Â¦.?
Sitting around the fire, Travis amuses himself by trying to teach Jennifer how to whittle. “Just take the knife and do what SaraH-eh?’s doing,” he tells her. Obviously, Jennifer is not as skilled at handling the wood as SaraH-eh?. In their alone time in the tent, Travis tells Jen he can’t image a better time than sitting in front of a fire and having a couple of beers. What do you bet Jen can? SaraH-eh? spends her alone time dissing on Jen’s answers. “IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m so cheesed out by the girls answering every question like they’re Miss America.” Sure, that’s easy for you to say, CANADIAN.
Travis sits between the girls in front of the fire. “As far as the rose goes, what I’ve tried to have guide me is my feelings,” he tells them. “And I appreciate you guys (DRINK!) being so patient. And so this is awkward, and I don’t even know how to do this, butÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ SaraH-eh?, will you accept this rose?” Needless to say, Jennifer’s not happy about getting the boot. “I don’t know what more I could’ve done,” she tells us, “short of holding up the tent with one hand and pouring him a cocktail with another.” That’s a good start. For her final parting shot, Jennifer poses a riddle: “What do Dr. Stork and the Taliban have in common? They both like their women STONED!”
After Travis walks Jennifer to the car, he returns to the campsite and tells SaraH-eh? he thinks she’s beautiful and special. Then they remove each other’s tonsils Ã¢â‚¬” with their tongues. SaraH-eh? says their first kiss was “really sweet. I just felt so good doing it.” And by good, of course, she means dirty. Or stoned. Or, sticking with the camping theme, both dirty and stoned.
Finally, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Host Chris Harrison observes that the mood in the room tonight is “very different. There’s a lot of tension.” (Why isn’t this guy on the show more? He’s a natural!) Susan, Monica and SaraH-eh? already have roses, so they’re safe. Travis has only three roses to give, but four girls to choose from. He tells the “guys” (DRINK!) he hopes they’ve had as much fun so far as he has. In order, he then gives roses to Jihad, DrunkTara and PlainSaraH, meaning Silo is heading back to the states a disappointed woman. A disappointed woman with ginormous man hands!
The episode ends with Travis and the final six toasting to “living life in the moment.” And he tells us, in voiceover, he thinks his future wife could be in this group.
So what did you think of this week’s show? Did Travis make the right call in dumping Silo? Are you surprised he kept DrunkTara after she made her second reverse cock-block in as many weeks? Are Matt and Kevin dating? Should they be?