MiniCap: The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette

By IceQueen | Tuesday, July 26, 2011 | 10:26 am | 17 Comments
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There was a lot of coming and a lot of going on last night’s Bachelorette. There were a lot of hard decisions to make and Ashley came through — finally! — in making some wise moves. After arriving in the paradise that is Fiji, the first wrench thrown into the mix was the return of Ryan. Bound and determined to seduce, love, and perhaps one day dismember Ashley, he convinced the producers to fly his ass to Fiji so he could ask for a second chance with Ashley and make more crazy faces for us. After leaving him hanging for a couple of days (no better place to be in purgatory, I think!), Ashley cut him loose, saying that while he was good on paper, she just wasn’t feeling passionate about him and that’s what she wants and needs.

Ben F.’s hard decision was whether or not to tell Ashley that he loved her. After a romantic boat ride and dinner on the beach, he pussied out at the last moment and danced around the L-word. He did accept an invitation to the fantasy suite. When I saw the fantasy suite, I knew that I would have accepted an invite, too! Even if I had to spend all night talking about my feelings with Ashley…. The bedroom opened up to a gorgeous pool and the two went swimming before Ben carried her off to bed.

From one of the most romantic dates… to one of the most awkward. Ashley took Constantine on a helicopter ride to a waterfall where they jumped from cliffs and ate fruit on the beach. At dinner Ashley asked Constantine why he felt like he couldn’t let go and hold her hand or become emotionally attached. “How many houses did you look at before you bought one?” she asked. 108, said Constantine. But houses and women are two different things, he added.

He finally admitted that he wasn’t romantically connected to Ashley, so he left. I’m giving Ashley credit for this because she didn’t ask him to stay and she didn’t cry. She’s growing up before our very eyes, ya’ll!

ashley constantine thumbs up

The final date was with JP. They took a seaplane to a private island, where they talked and frolicked in the beautiful blue water. JP tells us that he’s falling in love with Ashley and wants her to be his wife, but he’s not ready to tell her that. Over dinner, she tells JP that she said goodbye to two guys that week. That was a little dirty because he didn’t know Ryan came back, so it implies that he’s the final contender. But she quickly explained what happened. He seemed relieved that it wasn’t Bentley who returned. So am I, JP. I could go the rest of my life without hearing the name “Bentley” again.

JP got a fantasy suite card, of course, and we had to watch Ashley do the old change-into-something-more-comfortable routine and then they lay on the bed and made out. Her more comfortable outfit was a long white button-down shirt. They both looked shy and it was pretty cute, though slightly awkward because you know that their families are watching this. And you could tell JP was thinking about that! Anyway, Ashley’s virginal shirt was much better than my get comfortable outfit, which is my yoga pants with the holes and the cat hairs, an old Louisville Metro Police Department t-shirt with BBQ sauce on it, and a bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos. Yes, the Doritos are considered part of the outfit. I can’t say that much making-out goes on after I put on this outfit, but I AM actually comfortable…

Ashley insisted on having one final rose ceremony because, she told Chris H., she needs the boys to not just be there; she needs to hear them agree to accept those roses because they WANT to be there. OK, Validation Velma. Let’s get on with it! Of course she offered them both roses (although she gave one to Ben first, much to JP’s chagrin) and they both accepted and then it was awkward again because no one really felt like celebrating because there are now two men who are clearly in love with Ashley (although I would guess that Ben is more caught up in the game than anything) and she’s going to dump one of them.Yay? Are you Team Ben or Team JP?

Don’t forget that the reunion show is on Sunday night…. followed by what appears to be a very hysterical finale on Monday. We’re almost there, people! See you for the full recap!

About

Icequeen is a nonprofit employee who spends her days trying to make the world a better place to make up for the things that she does at night. A former television producer and reporter, she is obsessed with TV and film and is saving up to make her next documentary. When she's not working, writing or watching TV, she enjoys boys, food and travel. Though she has lived all over the U.S., she currently resides in Washington, DC.

17 Comments

  1. 1
    Nikki Hughes
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Why did they insist on keeping those never-ending pauses that are usually meant to be dramatic b/c we don’t know who’s name she’s going to call. There were only 2 roses and 2 dudes. That was silly. Other than that, it was a pretty good episode.

  2. 2
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 11:27 am

    It sure is a good thing Ryan had Chris’s personal cell number. Harrison is trying to sell that story over on Ewwwww.com. “Strangely, I got a call, and it was Ryan.”

    Strangely, I suddenly smell pants on fire.

  3. 3
    crazy rooster
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 11:44 am

    That’s awesome, I thought I was the only one who matched my leisure wear to snacks. Right now I’m wearing my outfit that goes with cheese dip.

  4. 4
    considerthis
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Rumor has it Ryan is the next Bachelor. No way can they find 25 women in this Galaxy to sign up for that!

  5. 5
    TiredMom
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    I was afraid after seeing the show flew Ryan over to Fiji – paraded him around highlighting his emotional side, and dedicated way tooo much time to him last night – that they were setting him up as the next Bachelor – I sure hope that aint so!!!! I would not watch – that guy creeps me out. He has such a strong ick factor, and no sex appeal AT ALL!!! PLEASE NO!!!

  6. 6
    Angela
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Count me among those appalled at the idea of Ryan as The Bachelor. I can’t be the only one who sees the seething cauldron of crazy underneath all the sunshine and rainbows on the outside. Me thinks we have another Jake Pavelka here. Lets not go down that road again, hmmm.

  7. 7
    IceQueen
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    “… the seething cauldron of crazy underneath all the sunshine and rainbows on the outside. Me thinks we have another Jake Pavelka here.”

    @Angela – this description is perfection…

  8. 8
    melange
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Ashely seemed disappointed that she wouldn’t get to bone Constantine. He was playing her the whole time, I fear, far better than Bentley ever did, and seemed to be there just for the free trips, food, and hanging out with other dudes. Every episode he just uttered enough English to keep Ashley going. Why change tack now? I’m sure he could have spent the night with her with just three more sentences or so. Maybe his family gave him a talking-to, or he’s not actually interested in women. I doubt Ashley wanted to spend the rest of her life with a bunch of pizza-slingers anyway…

    Ben is entranced. He looks completely love-stoned, but I agree with you IceQueen, I think he’s showstruck and that fades quickly after wrap. JP seems like he could care less about the show and just wants it to be over, one way or another.

    Ryan… god, the hysterics! Give that man some valium! He would have been great in film… in the 1920′s… please build him a time machine and send him there. Just keep him the f*** off my TV screen. I’d much rather watch Ben or JP as the next Bachelor.

  9. 9
    Danielle
    Posted July 26, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Why wouldn’t the guys want to tell the girl they love that they, in fact, LOVE THEM?? Every bachelor season, a plethora of women tell the Bachelor that they are falling in love, right? They men are wusses! Okay, let’s just pretend for a minute that this shit is real. That said, would you get engaged to a man who has never told you how he feels about you? Irritating. And Ashley, of all people, would totally let ‘em off the hook. Ummm…

    Anyway, boring episode. Constantine, like others have said, always looked like he was half asleep. Ben appears to be lovelorn, but I’m pretty sure he’s just excited by the scenery. J.P.’s alright…the editors don’t seem to show that much of them speaking, which usually means they are the most likely to end up together.

    Oh, and I HATE how Ashley constantly exclaims, “do you like it??” I always imagine that that’s what she says as she shows him her crotch.

  10. 10
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted July 27, 2011 at 7:32 am

    @Danielle: Somebody on another board mentioned how on the Bachelorette, they always play up some fear of the Bachelorette’s (heights is an easy one) so that it can be the theme of a date and one of the men can “save her”. I’d never thought of that, but I can see now that the producers are consciously doing it.

    The male contestants probably never say the L word because they’re told not to. In the false world of Bachelorette-style romance, the men are supposed to be strong and not show emotion unless they are first positioned on a balcony and turned to face the ocean.

  11. 11
    itchy
    Posted July 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    I fell asleep before the rose ceremony. Did Chris Hostdouchebagison come out and do the ‘this is the last rose’ thing? Because that’s the best part of this show.

    Although I dare say, I almost believe these people have real feelings for each other.

  12. 12
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted July 27, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    @Itchy: Don’t worry. They’ll sober up.

  13. 13
    itchy
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 1:15 am

    Heh, I know. But I just can’t help feeling sorry for Ashley. I’ve never felt this way about a Bachelorette before. But she really makes me feel sad.

  14. 14
    Phartsmeller
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    @Danielle…OMG, I think I almost woke up my husband upstairs because I was giggling so hard at your comment the other night. And regarding Ashley always have some fantabulous surprise that “she” set up for her dates, it’s like, YOU didn’t set up/pay for/plan any of this crap! Her billion dollar three-month escapade around the world is completely covered by sponsors, lest she forget. And at the beginning when Ben said, “It’s easy for Ashley and I. Even after not seeing her for quite some time, we kinda jump right back into things.” Well, DUH! Anybody would “jump right back into” being whisked all over the world, all expenses paid, and of course it’s “easy,” you idiot. I mean, how many of us spend an afternoon on a million dollar yacht, or just happen to come upon a picnic, already all set up in the middle of a rainforest? And then after we’ve finished gnawing on our fresh coconut pieces, are able to just leave the remnant shards on the forest floor and just walk away because some magical wood nymph is going to appear out of nowhere and clean it all up? NOT REAL LIFE, BEN!!!

    Oh, and did anybody else think it was hysterical that when Constantine and Ashley were flying around in the helicopter, the camera just had to get a shot of Ryan standing on the reef below, capturing his forlorn glances up into the sky? So pathetic, yet soooo funny.

  15. 15
    Danielle
    Posted July 28, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Phartsmeller (heehee, right back at ya!)–I actually thought when Constantine and Ashely were flying over Ryan, that he had found the location of their date and was waiting to make one more plea!! I was watching with my husband (he likes to say he’s “read-watching,” but his book never actually opens EVER during the show) and we both let out a grunt, thinking, are the producers really gonna make Ryan do this?? Anyway. So glad it didn’t happen that way!

  16. 16
    Glitterous
    Posted August 3, 2011 at 2:42 am

    IceQueen, where did you get your LMPD shirt? It would be too weird if we both hailed from the Bluegrass State and we now both live in DC!

  17. 17
    IceQueen
    Posted August 8, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    @Glitterous: I used to live in Louisville and now I live in DC. Crazy! Are you liking it here?

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