The Bachelorette: Arrested Development

[by Jaded Bitch]

Wow, it’s the second episode and already we get to witness the big police-on-the-scene drama! When I saw that in the previews, I was more than excited for (finally) some good televsion! But more on that (and my eventual disappointment) later…

Speaking of previews, that’s one of the biggest pet peeves that I have about this show. Contrary to popular belief, I am a fan, which is why I watch. However, when the show becomes lame, I gotta call it like I see it. What irks me is the constant peppering of previews before each commercial break with host Chris Harrison doing his cocaine-induced, “WHO WILL STAY? WHO WILL GO!?! FIND OUT NEXT!!!” Poor Chris only appears at the top and bottom of the hour, proving himself as useful as Carmen Elektra hosting Manhunt. WTF was that, anyway?Episode 2 begins with the very first group outing/fantasy date with Jen, our damsel in dating distress. Picked for this field trip are: Jerry the hottie (who’s now been exposed on TVGasm as a reality TV whore, as well as a Harry Winston doorman), Fabrice the Frenchy (who’s now been exposed on TVGasm as being gay, gay, gay!), Michael the teacher, Jason the 29yo Virgin, Ben (who is being cast to play Wimpy in the next Popeye live action feature), Bug Eyed A.W., and Black Ryan, the token minority.

What does this fine group get to do, you might ask? Well, since they are in New York, what better way to start the day than with … a ride through Times Square on a tour bus!?! Aw, shucks, ma, I’ve always wanted to do that!

Fabrice noted that being French is what will set him apart from the rest of the group. And also, he’s GAY. Meanwhile, Black Ryan noted that being from New York will set him apart from the rest of the group. And also, he’s BLACK.

WHO WILL STAY? WHO WILL GO?!! FIND OUT NEXT!!

Jen arrived to pick up the boys, with a shirtless Josh greeting her at the door. Josh is such a tease, isn’t he? Those damned 28 yo virgins! “Can ya just put a shirt on!?” Jen quipped privately to the camera. Wow, feisty!

Jen then stated, “I’ve never dated more than…one person at a time.” It took her a moment, but she managed to pick the right number. Yes, Jen, ONE person at a time. That’s what you’re supposed to say. Read the cue cards.

Black Ryan became the tour guide and pointed out Times Square to everyone, should they not have noticed the gazillion blinking billboards. It was then off to a boat for what looked like a trip around the harbour and private time with each of the men. Jason the 29 yo Virgin, asked why it didn’t work out with Andrew Firestone. Jen gave a politically correct response, but to sum it up – Andrew’s a dick.

Fabrice talked about being open (but not in an out-of-the-closet kind of way), while Michael the goofy schoolteacher talked about humping his dog. Bulging Eyes A.W. claimed he looked like Andrew Firestone, to which Jen replied, “Er, no.” I finally figured out what A.W. stands for: Andrew Wannabe!!

Frenchy Fabrice fed Jen some pick up line in French about her father being a thief and stealing stars from the sky, yada yada yada. Jen said it was “sweet, and cute…and LAME.” Wow, she just described her own show! That wasn’t very nice of her, the poor gay guy was just trying to be funny. We should change the name of the show to The Bitch-lorette!

Back at the house, Keith the Welder was chosen by Jen’s friends to go on the very special one-on-one date with Jen. This of course caused Stalker Stu to immediately plot out Keith’s unfortunate welding accident.

WHO WILL GO?! WHO WILL STAY!? FIND OUT NEXT!!!

The next day, we join Keith and Jen on their date which began with a carriage ride through Central Park. As exciting as that may sound, the rest of the interview, er, date, was even more of a snoozefest. It was painfully obvious that Jen was not connecting – or was it? I found the conversation to be stifled, and their focus was more on the piano player at dinner than on each other.

The Un-Date continued up in a hotel suite. Gosh, the producers sure were pushing for a little action! Unfortunately, the only “action” would be taking place the next night – at the men’s pad! Again, more on that later… Keith and Jen ended the night with a peck on the cheek, as they both climbed back into their godawful Hummer Limo.

WHO WILL GO?! WHO WILL STAY!? FIND OUT NEXT!!! (Annoyed yet? Try watching the show! Oy!)

The next day was time for the second group date, which included: Wendell, Matt the Firefighter, Stalker Stu, Josh the 28 yo Virgin (not to be confused with Jason the 29 yo Virgin), John Paul the 25 yo (that seems to be the only thing going for him), White Ryan, and Mark. They received news that they would be going on a group date with Jen to noneother than a Knicks game! Hello, Tour Bus Ride = Ripped Off.

At this second date, the men seemed to be more into the Knicks than they were into Jen. Stalker Stu however, was the first to abduct her for some alone time. He proceeded to once again talk about her in the 3rd person form. “I wanna know what makes Jen happy.” He then added, “This way, Jen will fall in love with me and marry me and have all my 8 children. Yes, oh yes, that’s what Jen will do.”

At the men’s pad, the boys huddled for a gossipfest and for some Stu bashing. They touched upon his stalker tendencies and worried about his sanity. Realizing he was an unstable person, they all agreed that the next time they were in the Boardroom, they would all stick together and get him fired.

Frenchy Fabrice then claimed that 28yo Virgin Josh was stupid. This caused 29yo Virgin Jason to raise his eyebrows and make a mental note to rat on Fabrice once his Virgin bro returned from the Knicks game.

At around 1:30am, the men at home got a bit rowdy out in the streets. An irate neighbour screamed at them to keep the ruckus down or else he’d call the cops. Welder Keith said he wanted to go down and chew the guy up “like a piece of garbage.” Oh Keith, admitting that you eat garbage is not the way to win a woman’s heart. Nor is getting into streetbrawls, for that matter. Keith, you’re fired too.

The neighbour continued to scream outside. ABC tried to blur out his face, but judging from the pitch of the screaming, we at home were all quite certain that it was noneother than Jonathan from The Amazing Race! He was just angry that the boys were out so late at night disrupting his disposal of Victoria’s body.

Cut to the COPS music (“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?”) as the police arrive on the scene to address this noise disturbance. “If you don’t all go inside, I’m coming back here and arresting all of you!” the officer threatened. That’s it?? That’s the big drama?? A noise disturbance?? No one even got arrested? No up-the-bum prison sex?? No gratuitous Oz-like nudity? WTF! Lame police action drama moment = Ripped Off.

When everyone returned from the Knicks game (how LATE was that game anyway?), the night’s events were revealed, including the gossiping. Fabrice told Stu he was a bit of a stalker, while Josh called Fabrice out on his comments about him. Fabrice then gave Josh the palm and said, “Talk to the hand, sister!” while the rest of the group did each other’s nails and hair.

The quote of the evening belonged to Josh, as he said to the camera, “I was given a warrior’s heart. My life is my legacy.” Josh, would you like some wine with your cheese?

WHO WILL GO?! WHO WILL STAY!? FIND OUT NEXT!!!

Finally it was time for the Rose Ceremony. Jen arrived in a hot red number, that you know Fabrice was eyeing. Meanwhile, Stu stated that Jen was completely in love with him and that he was going to make SURE she knew. Jason revealed to her that he was a virgin, making poor Jen recoil in pretty much absolute horror. She called his values into question and wondered if they would be too “stringent” for her. Firefighter Matt politely asked Jen to sign his Knicks ticket and to kiss it. He then hurried to the closest computer terminal and put it up on eBay.

25 year-old John Paul cozied up with her, while Jen worried that a 25 year-old may not be ready to get married. “You’re 25, but you don’t act like it!” I’m not sure if the show emphasized it enough, but by the way, John Paul is 25.

Random guy Mark sat Jen down and gave her a guardian angel necklace, which turned out to be some sort of family heirloom belonging to his dead mother. He then revealed that he had written Jen into his will and that both his kidneys were on stand-by in case she should ever need one.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Everyone turned to see host Chris Harrison standing there, with a half drunken glass of champagne and a trail of white powder under his nose. “It’s that time!”he announced. “Who will stay? Who will go!?” He took Jen down to a private room, where she could look at each of the men’s photos and ponder thoughtfully to herself while whining about how hard this was. Thankfully ABC edited this part out and spared us from more lame television.

We join everyone back at the Rose Ceremony, where the group was to be cut in half, dropping it from 15 men down to a mere 8. The rose recpients were: Wendell, Fabrice (who ran up to the podium in his sash, grabbed his rose and thanked everyone for voting him as the next Miss America), Wimpy Ben, Keith the Welder/Figher/Garbage Eater, White Ryan, Harry Winston doorman/reality whore Jerry, and 25 year old John Paul. Host Chris Harrison interuppted at this point to do his contractual obligation of pointing out that Jen had one last rose to give out for the evening. This final rose was bestowed on 28yo Virgin Josh aka Warrior Heart.

Cut this round was Bug Eyed A.W., Black Ryan, Stalker Stu (there go the little ratings they had), Michael the teacher (who suddenly resembled Hulk Hogan as he hugged a fellow contestant and said, “Good luck brother.” He then ripped his shirt off and called for everyone in the audience to cheer louder.), Firefighter Matt (at least he has that autograph!), 29yo Stringent Virgin Jason, and Mark, who was kicking himself for giving away that cherished family heirloom. Doh!

Next week’s episode looks painful. It involves a basketball game and a Rose Ceremony. Exciting, ain’t it? WHO WILL STAY? WHO WILL GO???

By the way, is anyone else reading Jen’s Diary? In her latest entry, she once again tries to convince us all that she ONLY dates one person at a time. WTF, get over it, Jen!

Note to ABC: Here’s a thought for your next Bachelorette installment. All this talk about Bug Eyes had me reminiscing. Why not bring in Toni Ferrari to be your next Bachelorette? For those who don’t recall her, she’s the Alpha Female from FOX’s “Love Cruise” and “Paradise Hotel.” Now THAT would be loads of fun to watch!!