[by Jaded Bitch]
And when I say dribble, I’m of course talking about the big basketball game that started off the show. The men were invited down to an outdoor basketball court where they met Jen and occasional host Chris Harrison. They were to play 4 on 4, with the winners getting a shot at one-on-one time with Jen, and the losers having to go on a group date with her. I don’t know – I think the one-on-one time with her is more of a punishment than a reward. At least on a group date, you can run and hide, maybe catch a matinee of Mamma Mia!Frenchy Fabrice and Harry Winston Doorman Jerry were chosen as captains. Fabrice chose for his team: White Ryan (who no longer needs to be called White Ryan now that Black Ryan is out of the picture), 25 year-old John Paul (who still needs to be called 25 year-old John Paul simply because the show and Jen can’t get over the fact that he’s 25), and Ben (whose eyebrows are screaming out for help). The other team, who were to be shirtless, comprised of Doorman Jerry, Josh the Virgin, Boring Wendell, and Keith the Welder. Jen oogled the boys as they stripped off their tops as though she were at a bachelorette party or something. Wait a minute…
The game looked to be quite violent and rough. Ah, just the way Jen likes it! The men pushed each other into the surrounding fence and into the ground as they fought for more airtime, er, one-on-one time with Jen. In the end, it was Fabrice’s clothed team who won. The private dates were awarded to John Paul (who made the most baskets and who is 25 years old) and to Fabrice (who made the least baskets and who is gay.) Everybody else – group outing.
The date with Fabrice took us to the Cotton Club in Harlem, where the two lovebirds sat and enjoyed a surprise performance from… VANESSA WILLIAMS!! Yes, THAT Vanessa Williams! Ms. Nude Centerfold USA herself! WTF was she doing there?! This guest star appearance wasn’t even advertised in the previews! To think that Paula Abdul has more pull on television these days… Oh well, at least Ms. Williams didn’t sing that “Save The Best For Last” song.
Fabrice loved the performance! After all, Vanessa Williams was on his list of all-time favourite divas! Now, if only Cher or Barbra Streisand were to show up, that would’ve made his night! He did manage to reveal to Jen that he wanted a family and all those good things that come with it, like gardening, a nice house, a pretty little apron he can wear while baking cookies and waiting for the mailman…
Fabrice talked about a past love he once had, and yes, he said it was a woman. He then started crying, which caused Jen to recoil back in horror. “I just want to have fun!” she exclaimed to the camera, flinging her hair to one side. “I don’t want to get too DEEP!” God forbid Jen that you actually have deep, meaningful conversations with these men, one of whom you may potentially marry! She then flicked her hair over to the OTHER side and smiled into the camera,”Gorgeous! Do you love it?”
At the end of the date, Fabrice ended up getting a few kisses in, causing Jen to feel uncomfortable and creeped out by the whole experience. “He was like, crying, and then like, he leaned in for a kiss, and then it was all, like, weird!! Is that hot?”
The next day, Jen babysat 25 year-old John Paul by taking him on a helicopter ride to a spa – apparently a parallel to her first date with Mr. Andrew “Failed Relationship” Firestone. Jen was amazed that John Paul ran his own company when he was only 25! She then realized he also had pubic hair and a driver’s license! Wow, and he’s only 25!
The two were quick to strip to their skivvies for a couples massage, followed by some sitting around in a pool and a feast of chocolate covered strawberries. Normally, this would be a nice and relaxed date to be on, but on television, it’s just plain boring.
The group date the next day was a tad more interesting, and when I say tad, I mean barely. They all went to Central Park so that Jen could watch the boys play football! Wow, how fun. She did manage to chat with some of the guys privately however.
Sitting under a tree, Josh rambled on to a bored Jen and a bored TV audience about his life, his dreams, his thoughts, his emotions, his darkest sexual fantasies. Nah, just kidding on that last one. He is a virgin after all. Virgins don’t have sexual fantasies, least of all dark ones. Actually, Josh did mention that one day he’d love to try putting his penis into a woman’s vagina and then moving it about for awhile.
Suddenly, Ryan came crashing into the scene trying to catch a football. You just know he told someone, “Hey guys, throw the ball over towards Jen and I’ll run in there and interuppt the two! Wouldn’t that be hilarious!?”
Jen later downed some wine with Keith the Welder, in Central Park, in the middle of the day. What is this, Vegas? “I just want everything to be natural between us,” Keith said… unnaturally.
There was more booze to be had with Jerry, while paddling in a canoe in the middle of a pond. The two kissed, while the cameraman tried hard to avoid a passing boat that was inching its way into the shot. This only ended up showcasing some random bride in the background, either posing for a wedding photo or contemplating jumping into the water and drowning herself. Jerry and Jen then got up in the boat and danced together. Oh, how I so wanted them to fall in!!
Wendell then arrived to take Jen away. The two talked…like brother and sister. There is simply no chemistry there. In fact, there is simply no chemistry between Jen and ANY of these guys.
After the commercial breaks, we were mercilessly subjected to endless shots of John Paul in a suit and tie, wearing loafers with NO SOCKS. If that isn’t cause enough for elimination, then I don’t know what is. Get those ankles off my tv screen!! We’re not in Europe, and the Miami Vice look was so last decade.
In a private conversation, Jen had Fabrice rate all the guys for her. That my friends, is the definition of “irony.”
It was finally time for the Rose Ceremony. On the receiving end were 25 year-old John Paul (bare ankles and all), Ryan, Jerry, Ben, Wendell, and shockingly, Fabrice! I guess every hag needs their fag to have around to help with the selection process! Fabrice, however, was none too happy about being chosen last. He went on a rampage (re: hissy fit) about how getting the last rose was bullsh*t and wondered why he was even there. Oh right, the opportunity to get on television even if it means toying with someone else’s emotions by pretending to be heterosexual. That’s it! Now we’re back in the game.
Bidding their goodbyes were Josh, the last American Virgin, and Keith the Welder, whose bio on ABC’s website showcases his intellectual muscles, especially in the “Me In 3 Words” section. There’s “active” and “thoughtful” and…WHOOOPS! Somebody fetch this guy a clue!
Next week looks like The Amazing Race and Playing It Straight meet The Bachelorette. Previews feature a sprint to the Empire State Building and Fabrice’s confession during “the most unforgettable rose ceremony EVER!” We’ll just see about that.