The Bachelorette: The Graham-less Fantasy

“Graham, Graham, wherefore art thou Graham?”

Tonight on The Bachelorette DeAnna goes on three nearly identical dates in the Bahamas. The guys can DEFINITELY see themselves falling in love with DeAnna and she can DEFINITELY see herself spending the rest of her life with each of them. It’s a Fantasy Overnight Three-peat to remember!We join DeAnna packing up to go on her fantasy overnight dates and she is still whining about Graham. She reiterates that Graham is the one she had all picked out to be Last Man Standing, but he turned out to be a “Brad,” meaning he couldn’t give her what she wanted. Sorry, DeAnna. He’s just not that into you. I’m not really buying the “too scared to open up” story. Now she just has no idea what to do because she had pretty much written off the other three in favor of Graham, but now he’s gone and ruined that.

Over on Grand Bahama Island DeAnna sulks along the beach, wondering what it would be like if Graham were here. But no time for that right now because here comes Jeremy jogging up to greet her. DeAnna finally admits that the biggest thing between her and Jeremy is the fact that they’ve both lost parents, but she’s hoping to see him relax and have fun here in Fantasy Land. They kiss a lot. Did you know that DeAnna thinks Jeremy is perfect? Did you know that she could see herself marrying him? They hop on a funky yellow boat which whisks them over to a little private Fantasy Island to hang out on. They ride around for a while on some Fantasy wave runners and then sit down in the Fantasy sand to hash things out. Things seem rather tense and neither of them say anything. Jeremy asks DeAnna to tell him something about herself that he doesn’t already know and she can’t think of anything. I actually believe that. I’m not sure how much there really IS to know about DeAnna. Wait. Does he know that Brad dumped her? DeAnna whines to us that just when she got rid of Graham for being too quiet, Jeremy clams up. Jeremy keeps telling us that he’s gearing up to have a really serious talk with DeAnna. Oh boy. Have you had any other kind?

Liquid courage

They meet up later for Fantasy dinner and now Jeremy can’t stop giggling. Well, didn’t DeAnna want him to cut loose and relax? Jeremy takes a deep breath and goes into his big speech. He says that this is a huge deal because here is someone he really cares about, but he doesn’t really “have” her yet and he doesn’t want to lose her. He would say he’s falling in love with her, but it’s already happened. She doesn’t have to respond, he just wants her to know.

“You better believe you let me know.”

DeAnna just says she’s glad he told her and it’s time for the Fantasy Card. Jeremy reads the card and hops up, ready for some action. They head straight for the Fantasy bed and make out while DeAnna reminds us that Jeremy is perfect, has she mentioned that? As we watch, Jeremy gets up and closes the door on us. Aw, no watching of the perfect Fantasy make out? Shucks.

The next morning DeAnna rolls out of bed with Jeremy and heads to the beach to meet Jason, who also comes jogging up to meet her.

“Sleep well, did you?”

He tells us that he wants DeAnna to know that he’s falling in love with her, but today is all about fun. And first on the Fantasy fun agenda is off-roading in a large Fantasy jeep. I’m remembering how non-adventurous Jason was on the four-wheelers, but this time he hops right in and takes off. They go for a very bouncy ride leading them to what looks like a Fantasy swamp, where they hop on a little portable bridge that utilizes a pulley system to take them across the water.

The complex engineering of the Bahamas.

Waiting on the other side of the completely secluded swamp are the camera guys and about 45 crew members. But they’ve done something really nice and laid out a Fantasy picnic for the love birds. They discuss the riveting topic of Jason’s eating habits and it turns out that he’ll try anything once. That’s so interesting! After giving some of their cheese to the fish, who will apparently also try anything once, they get ready to go kayaking – in the Fantasy swamp. It seems that they are both kayaking virgins, so this will be a brand new Fantasy adventure for both of them! They row themselves right into the dock, then almost tip over, then go under a bridge, then turn and kiss in the kayak – it’s just so romantic.

Later at Fantasy dinner, Jason says he’s speechless and you can just see DeAnna’s head wanting to explode. Speechless is exactly the reason she gave Graham the boot, don’t you guys get it? DeAnna says she was glad to see this new fun side of Jason today and Jason says he’s glad she got to see it because he has all these different sides, like the dad side and the fun side… let’s see what else? Anything? Oh well, DeAnna asks if Ty likes the beach. Is that the best you can do, DeAnna? Last week she asked Ty if he likes riding in the car – after giving him a golf ball. Methinks DeAnna does not spend much time with small children. Jason tells DeAnna that she and Ty are his two favorite topics right now and DeAnna squeals that this is the nicest thing he’s ever said to her. Jason says he never expected to meet her – meaning that she’s so much greater than he expected and DeAnna says that everything happens for a reason. At least she doesn’t talk in clichés. She keeps kissing Jason with her eyes open.

Shut your freaking eyes!

Fantasy Card time! Jason reads it and barely gets past the word “forgo” before tossing the card aside in a Fantasy romantic gesture and saying, “Yeah!” DeAnna positively cackles and they sprint away to the Fantasy suite. I think this one is the room that adjoins to the one Jason had last night. More open-eyed kissing then Jason pulls out some Fantasy jewelry that he bought for DeAnna. Then he thanks her for teaching him that he really can fall in love again because he really is falling in love again. More open-eyed kissing and DeAnna can definitely see herself spending her life with Jason.

“Ah, here comes Admirer Number Three.”

And morning number three DeAnna showers off the scent of Jason and heads back to the Fantasy beach to meet The Riddler! He is in fine Fantasy form running to DeAnna and scooping her up, telling her that she always looks sooooo hawt! DeAnna has some Fantasy horses waiting for her and The Riddler, which The Riddler calls “so rad,” and they ride around on the sand and in the water. DeAnna is all giddy telling us about how they kissed, on the horses, in the middle of the ocean. Middle of the ocean? They were four feet from the sand, but far be it from me to interrupt the gid. It’s another Fantasy picnic and The Riddler keeps thanking DeAnna for all her hard work, even though she’s just as surprised as he is to discover what lies in the Fantasy picnic basket. The Riddler says something about there possibly being a Fantasy rock on DeAnna’s finger soon, and they discuss how rad it is that they were friends first because if you can’t be friends first then how can you possibly date someone? The Riddler says he’s nervous and DeAnna says, “Why-uh?” Something about The Riddler brings out the Valley Girl in DeAnna.

“West-siiiiiide Breckenridge!”

They take turns telling us about their blossoming relationship and I notice that The Riddler is calling her “D.” At Fantasy dinner, The Riddler, like Jeremy and Jason, is ready to discuss some of the important Fantasy topics. He wants to know how many kids she wants and when, and it turns out they are both on the “Before 30″ track, how rad. Then he asks if she could live in Breck for three months out of the year. Breck? Ah hah, he’s abreeving the name of his hometown, Breckenridge. DeAnna worries about living in the cold and getting her precious feathers wet. She’s also worried that snowboarding is such a huge part of his life and she’s not sure where she’d fit in. Gee, what tipped you off, there, D? The hair? The talk? The snowboarding lesson, or was it the entire snowboard decorating motif at The Riddler’s apartment? R tries to convince D that snowboarding isn’t quite such a big part of his life as she may be thinking – yeah right. He actually has this totally realistic dream of being a sports agent – oh even better. Professions of love and fear follow and so D pulls out the Fantasy card. As was teased to death, The Riddler tells D that he doesn’t know if he can spend the night with her before meeting her father. Like ANY guy would actually say that. PUH-LEASE. I could smell that set up from a mile away. Of course he bursts out laughing, says he’s totally kidding, he could care less about meeting her dad, let’s go have sex!

“Good one – my dad! Ha ha!”

This Fantasy suite looks a lot like the other two, but it does include a Fantasy bubble bath. They sprawl on the Fantasy bed and The Riddler says that he hopes D is serious about wanting to get married because if she chooses him, it’s so on. That’s where he’s at. I was a fan of The Riddler until I learned of some disturbing rumors about him being circulated in the inter-highway. See what you think…

Riddler Rumors

It’s Rose Ceremony Time! DeAnna emerges from the limo in what looks like an electric blue towel – from the 80′s. She reminds us that she let Graham go last week. Yeah, yeah, get over Graham. He sure got over you.

“Is Graham back there somewhere?”

DeAnna tells the guys that her heart is breaking and then she distributes the roses. First, The Riddler. Then… Jason. Oh, the look on Jeremy’s face is so sad.

Awwwwwwwwww

DeAnna leads Jeremy to the Rejection Bench to say goodbye. She tells Jeremy that he’s perfect, his house is perfect, his dog is perfect, his family is perfect, and she would have a perfect life if she chose him, and she’s stupid for sending him home because she would be so lucky. BUT, she worries that she might be confusing the “orphan” bond they share with being in love. Jeremy says he’s very hurt and he’s never had his heart broken like this. DeAnna bawls and says she’s sorry while Jeremy says he hates to think this is the last time he will hold her hand. On his Ride of Shame Jeremy says he never saw this coming. DeAnna was everything he was looking for. He’s so upset that he makes the limo driver pull over so that he can get out and walk around for a few minutes. That sucks. He seems really sad. I think Jeremy has been through a lot, and he put a little too much stock into DeAnna being the one to save him. So sad.

So! What can you possibly be thinking now? It’s Jason, right? It has to be. Right?

I wasn’t expecting much from the Men Tell Nothing, but I have to admit that there were some golden moments. Stay tuned because I’m going to write about my favorite highlights from that tender reunion.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta