“Oh the boys must be SO happy to see me again!”
Hey beloved readers, I know I promised to recap the The Bachelorette Men Tell Nothing, so I’m presenting this just before I dive into the THREE HOUR finale recap. Hope you enjoy and that it will hold you over until we can jointly shred the stupid Final Rose.Okay, so here we are with the not-so-much anticipated special where the guys gather ’round and rehash highlights of The Bachelorette and then do very little in the way of explaining anything we didn’t already know. Whoop-dee-doo. They’ve gathered 16 of the original 25 bachelors – including a few who left the very first night, so what on earth are they going to say? As a side bar, I honestly don’t get what’s up with all of the filler this season. First they make every episode two hours long, then they stop like a third of the way through for a “DeAnna Tells All,” which revealed nothing, now the “Men Tell All,” and the whole stupid thing is followed up with an “After The Final Rose.” Do we really need it pounded into our heads any further that DeAnna is the self-appointed Queen of the Universe? I mean, how much time has been spent on what really adds up to quite a boring little life? Ugh. Anyhoo, it’s not for me to judge. Oh wait, oops, silly me – yes it is! And here we go.
After some small talk, we get a montage of how “competitive” this entire competition has been. It seems that Ryan (the Virgin) was the most competitive bachelor and Jeremy was the most hated. Chef Robert even compares Jeremy to American Psycho. Now, having recently read American Psycho, I won’t give Jeremy the credit of being a satirical societal symbol of greed and materialism in 1980′s Manhattan, but that’s beside the point. Jeremy comes to the Hot Seat to answer the BIG questions. They go something like this: Having received a First Impression Rose, was there a target on your back? Were you really two-faced for the sake of the competition? The other guys say Jeremy wasn’t very friendly with them. Oh, boo hoo. They also claim that they weren’t there to “win” DeAnna, they were there with the utmost integrity to see if they had a special connection with a lovely lady, whereas Jeremy treated her like a prize. Oh cry me a river – especially you, Ron. No ulterior motives in the bunch? I’m not buying it.
“For instance, Sean was only there for a free haircut.”
Next we have a montage of Jeremy’s rejection-riddled journey and then Chris Harrison asks, “What happened?” What happened, Chris? Jeremy was eliminated. What is he supposed to say? I stopped paying attention to DeAnna for two seconds by accident so that I could go to the bathroom and she kicked me off? Please, there’s no answer. Chris twists the knife for the rest of the segment, and then we move on to Graham.
In the Hot Seat Graham watches a montage of DeAnna draping herself all over him and then finally getting fed up with his indifference and shamelessly begging him to care in the embarrassing farewell tantrum. Chris asks Graham what went wrong with HIS special relationship and Graham says that he gave SO much and opened up SO much more than anyone will ever realize, but it was just never enough for DeAnna. Oh, I HATE this little song and dance. This is the guy who is completely closed off and clearly scared to death of having any kind of meaningful relationship and so when the girl asks him for the bare minimum – aka, acting like a boyfriend, he freaks out and says it’s never enough. Okay, yes, clearly this rant stems from more than just Graham, but I’ve seen his type. SO unwilling to give more than just that tiny inch, but when called on the carpet, it’s the girl’s fault for wanting too much, when all she really wants is reciprocation. Graham insists that he made a lot of effort, but I think we can all agree that that’s not what we saw. Chris calls him out for refusing to kiss DeAnna at the racetrack, but who cares? The bottom line is that he never really liked her – or was way too chicken to put himself in harm’s way. But he insists that letting DeAnna come to his parents’ home and meeting his family makes him a total martyr. No one realizes how much that took for him to do. Oh this is such garbage. Chris actually does a pretty good job of trying to pin Graham down and make him point out a reason for not wanting to take the next step with DeAnna and he finally says that he was afraid of going that fast. At last, a legitimate answer. Uh, this entire set up is ridiculous and I didn’t want to propose to some pretty girl I just met but hardly know? Of course Graham doesn’t go that far because I don’t think that’s actually what he thinks. He was really just scared of going that fast. And anything above a complete snail’s pace would be too fast for Graham. But not wanting to go that fast is totally different than “it was never enough” for DeAnna. I’m never going to take DeAnna’s side, but Graham is such a little sissy. My sympathies to the next girl who tries to date him and for whom it will just “never be enough.”
“I try so hard. No one appreciates the hero I am.”
Jenny from the audience stands up and asks Graham what was in that famous letter he gave DeAnna on the Rejection Bench. Okay, here is Graham’s earth shattering answer: “I put in that letter… um… how I felt about her and the last week of our relationship. Um… and if she read it, I think knowing me as well as she does, that it meant the world to her that I would tell her some of the things that were in that letter.” Well! That clears everything up! Will someone get this brave man a medal?
And now here comes the Queen herself, to sit in the Hot Seat and be adored – or so she thinks. She starts with her famous speech about knowing just how the guys feel because she has been in their shoes, and that she’s cried herself to sleep many nights over how hard this has been. Oh, I feel so sorry for her. Jeremy gets to question her first and he wants to know when she knew he wasn’t the one. After all, she gave him a fantasy card and spent the night with him. DeAnna gives her standby speech number two and says that whenever she’s with any of the guys, no matter who it is, she’s only thinking about him. And it wasn’t until she was on her dates with Jason and The Riddler that she realized she was already in love with them. Jeremy says, “Ouch.” DeAnna says she’s sorry and that he is so perfect on paper and she really wanted there to be something there in her heart because then her life would have been perfect (huh? This is such bogus). She wanted there to be something so badly. Jeremy says, “Well… me too.” Geez.
Now Chris wants to know if DeAnna can explain what went wrong with Graham because Graham sure couldn’t. DeAnna borders on a layer of truth when she says that Graham was always the guy she couldn’t have. Bingo. She says that when she sent him home she second guessed herself, but she doesn’t feel that way anymore and everything happens for a reason. The crowd gasps. Why? Are we now on a Graham Sympathy Team? DeAnna says she doesn’t agree that Graham fully opened up to her, even though he took her to his parents’ house, because she doesn’t actually think he would have been allowed to decline that portion of the show. Graham pipes up that yes he could have. He could have refused a rose. And he insists that DeAnna downplays the significance of being so lucky as to have had Graham accept every rose he was offered. Oh wow, Graham. So you could have refused a rose, but you didn’t, so you are the world’s most emotionally giving man – my bad. Graham says to DeAnna, “I think you’re the best, good luck.” DeAnna turns back to Chris Harrison, ready to eat her own lips, and Chris goes, “You are pissed.”
“What? Pissed? There’s something in m’teeth.”
DeAnna looks at Graham and says she doesn’t appreciate him being here and once again acting like he could care less. Gee, DeAnna, maybe that’s because he COULD CARE LESS. Get a clue!
Some girl in the audience wants to know if anything romantic happened between DeAnna and any of the bachelors while they were staying in the mansion. Uh, planted question, much? It seems that one night Jeremy snuck into DeAnna’s room to kiss her and some other night Paul took a bubble bath. RIVETING.
Ew, next we take another good long look at DeAnna’s Barbeque Tantrum. You know, the one following Graham’s refusal to kiss her at the race track.
“Wow, this was really hard on me. I feel sorry for myself.”
After watching herself lose it, DeAnna tells us it just shows that she’s real. Whatever helps you sleep at night, DeAnna. Chris asks her if in the end she thinks she may have expected a little too much because after all, it’s a bunch of dudes. Hear, hear. DeAnna says it IS totally different for girls because when she was competing for Brad they all smothered him and didn’t care. And these guys just sat back casually. This causes Ryan the Virgin to pipe up and tell DeAnna that he finds her very inconsistent. On the one hand she talks about liking The Riddler for being so casual and just a friend to her first, but on the other hand, when she was on The Brad Show, she was one of the most confrontational people to be found. So what gives? DeAnna gets huffy and points at Ryan the Virgin while telling him that in every shot this season The Riddler and Jeremy were right at her side. Uh, what?
“Don’t go there, peasant!”
Anyway, Ryan isn’t finished and he goes on to say that she got rid of everyone who wasn’t OCD – Obsessive Compulsive DeAnna, because if they didn’t act toward her the way she acted toward Brad it wasn’t good enough. Chris Harrison and DeAnna are both flabbergasted. Who is this insubordinate? Off with his head!
DeAnna climbs right up on her high horse and says that this has nothing to do with how she was with Brad, it’s whether or not she clicked with each guy. Graham, for instance, stayed so long because she was falling in love with him, but in the end he couldn’t give her what she needs, isn’t that right Graham? Graham says he’s sorry, he didn’t hear the question. Oh snap! DeAnna is getting NO love tonight! These guys (with the exception of Jeremy) are not impressed with her and are not going to pretend otherwise. I find it rather refreshing, don’t you?
Ah, now we have the blooper reel. You see, despite all the hatred flying around this room tonight, there really were some fun moments this season behind the scenes – most of them not involving DeAnna. The best is when Chris Harrison gives DeAnna a soliloquy in the portrait room about Sean’s mullet and ends by asking if she thinks he fought at the Cobra Kai Dojo. That’s priceless. Who knew Chris had it in him?
After that DeAnna announces that she is very happy, she is in love, and she is engaged. Jeremy looks like he wants to jump off the roof. Congratulations, Smuggy McSmuggerson.
“Why? Why? Why?”
The rest of this is a closer look at Jason and The Riddler, but we’re going to spend the entire next episode doing that, so I’m saying no for now.
You know, we never heard from Fred, who was clearly the best choice and cast off way too early in a rule-breaking double send-off at the end of the two-on-one date. During the credits a girl in the audience stands up and asks Fred if he’ll go out with her and he’s all cute and says yes. Aw, what a guy. Please don’t make him the next Bachelor.
So there you have it! It was pretty fun watching them hate on DeAnna, I have to say. I think she has a highly inaccurate vision of herself, so it’s nice to see her reflected in the eyes of those who were supposedly there to dote on her. What did you think?
You won’t wait long for the finale – I’m on it, and we’re going to get dirty… like waist deep. See you soon!
Thanks for reading!