The Bachelorette Zip Lines Into the Old West

Welcome to another startling episode of The Bachelorette! This week everything is different and we have surprises at every turn! Just kidding. But we do have a helicopter ride and a swimming pool. Come on!It’s week number three and Jillian still hasn’t come to her senses and run back to Canada, so we join Chris Harrison once again back at the barracks. It turns out that this week is just like last week except with one violent twist – there are two one-on-one dates and one group date. Gasp! Same deal though, with one rose available per date and if you are on a single date, you either get a rose or get lost. Date Card numero uno is up Chris’s butt and he leaves it on the pool table… again. The variety on this show makes my head spin. A guy I do not recognize even a little (how is this possible after dissecting two episodes?) reads the card and it says, “Ed, love can be dangerous.” Why do they even bother with the cards? That said NOTHING except that Ed needs to pack his bags.

Jillian is waiting for Ed in a baseball field in a booty skirt with a helicopter waiting. See what I mean about variety? Jillian giggles and tells us that she finds Ed extremely attractive. That’s what she’s said about everyone so far. They take off on their ride and Jillian tells us that the last time she was in a helicopter was… on The Bachelor with Jason. No kidding. They take a scenic tour of LA and land on the roof of the Bonaventure hotel downtown. There are some cables running from the rooftop down to a swimming pool on the ground and Jillian says that the only way down is to rappel down the cable. They harness up and Jillian makes this into a grand metaphor for taking a leap of faith to find true love. Not so much, Jillian. It’s also not so much rappelling as slowly zip lining. Maybe zipping into true love?

She squeals her way down the cable, then they both strip down to their swimsuits, hold hands, run and jump into the pool together. I think the double-pool-jump is another requirement on this show. I mean, who does that? Seriously. Because they just shared a huge adrenaline rush, they end up making out in the pool and Jillian says she has a major crush on Ed because he makes her feel small.

Later at dinner on the roof of the Bonaventure, Jillian tells Ed that she’s happy to be the one to pop his helicopter cherry. See? She’s just one of the guys. She can be dirty and joke around and drink beer and belch. Isn’t she adorable? Ed shares with Jillian that to unwind he gets drunk and does karaoke with his friends, but that he has a hard time tearing himself away from work. Mayday! No workaholics, Jillian. You’ll never win the battle between ambition and romance. Surprise, surprise, they kiss. She has kissed every single guy she’s been alone with. And every time this music plays like it’s the kissing scene from The Princess Bride. Right, this is so tender.

Date Card number two arrives at the barracks and Reid reads it: “Reid, Wes, Mike, Michael, Tanner F., Mark, Brad, Robby, Tanner P., Krypton and Juan. Show me the good, the bad and the ugly.” The guys are all put out that 11 people are going on this date.

Jillian wants to know if Ed has any questions for her and of course he just asks if he’s going to get a rose tonight. That’s how intriguing you are, Jillian. That’s all he cares to find out. She picks up the rose and gives him her speech a-boat needing to get to know him better and gives it to him. Ed’s moving into the mansion. The luggage guys come into the barracks to take Ed’s crap up to the house and the other guys chase them and smack themselves in the forehead. A dorky guy (Brad I think) wonders if Jillian is ever going to dump anyone because so far all the one-on-ones get roses. Jillian continues to make out with Ed downtown.

The next morning Jillian arrives to gather her harem for the group date. They arrive at a ghost town movie set. Remember how last season Jason took the girls to a soap opera set and got to tongue all of them down because it was “acting?” Yeah, here we are again. They all dress up in western wear except for Foot Fetish Tanner who puts on a leopard print vest, leopard print chaps and a floppy hat. Michael can’t stop drooling. Then he reads his script, realizes that he has been cast in a gay scene, and almost leaps with joy – until he realizes that his scene partner will not be Foot Fetish Tanner. How is this possible when the leopard print is considered? What’s kind of cool, though, is that the gay scene partner is Mike, who wore another man’s Speedo last week. And there you have it.

In the first scene Other Tanner and Brad have a fist fight over Jillian and Brad gets to kiss her. The rest of the guys watch and assess that the kiss is awkward and pathetic. Brad tells us that on the badass scale the kiss is ultra badass. That right there tells me that the rest of the guys are right.

In the next scene Jillian goes into a jail cell, tells the two guys sitting there that they are bad, then makes out with both of them. That is some stellar script writing. I mean, what is this, western porn? They could have just sat in Jillian’s living room, played spin the bottle, and accomplished the same thing – her kissing everyone, and we wouldn’t have had to hear the cowgirl-stripper music again.

Ugh, here comes the red polka dot pioneer dress and this scene includes Robby the bartender dressed up as a cowboy hobo. He even has a stick with a bandana bundle on the end. They each say two sentences and then – you guessed it – they make out. Jillian tells us that of all the kisses today the one with Robby was the least ACTED.

Wes pulls Jillian away for alone time and at this point she’s dressed like a saloon girl, but not. It’s really a stripper in a “saloon girl” outfit. Through every costume change she’s held onto her gold saucer earrings. The guys all start grumbling again about Wes’s “wrong reasons” for being here. Wes “acts” like the ultimate gentleman and just gives Jillian a kiss on the cheek. Can we go now?

Almost, it’s time for Brokeback Mountain. Methinks that Michael doth protest too much before laying a huge one on Mike in their scene – which, by the way, is dialogue straight from Brokeback Mountain, even including “I wish I could quit you!” They guys only hug – we could have seen a kiss I’m sure if Foot Fetish Tanner had taken Mike’s place, but alas it was not to be just yet.

And later it’s back to downtown LA for a wrap party with all of these as-yet-undiscovered actors. Jillian has invited a bunch of Hollywood agents to review the footage from the afternoon and make offers to their favorites. But that all takes place off camera (and maybe in my imagination). They all take shots and there is still no direct footage of Juan swallowing alcohol – deceiver!

Reid takes Jillian for alone time and she tells him – what else – that he’s hot. Jillian asks Reid about his past relationships and he tells her he’s been in love one-and-a-half times. You know, I always start out wondering what makes a red-blooded male volunteer to do this show, but the more they open their mouths and show us how socially retarded they are, the less I have to wonder. One-and-a-half times? Who, over the age of 14, says that? Who? Reid, with his one-and-a-half past loves, thinks he has this in the bag until Juan strolls out to bust it all up.

Juan has his panties in a bunch after being “voted off” by the guys at the last Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, and he wants to make sure Jillian knows he is really a superb guy. Meanwhile back at the barracks, David has never stopped with his rampage about his intense hatred of Juan and he is still screaming at every guy who didn’t get to go to Old West Town about how he’s going to beat Juan up one day. He is so multifaceted and dynamic, I’m surprised Jillian doesn’t chuck the whole thing and give him the final rose right now. But Date Card number three arrives and Jake reads it out: “Sasha, can you handle my curves?” Jillian is so much fun!

Naturally, the wrap party has become a hot tub party and Foot Fetish Tanner immediately has Jillian’s feet in his face, fighting the urge to bite off one toe at a time. Robby takes Jillian away and gets her to admit that she enjoyed kissing his cowboy hobo the most. So they kiss again and the guys start yelling at them from the hot tub. Get used to it, guys. This one’s loose-lipped. Jillian gets back in the hot tub with the rose and announces that Robby gets it for making her so comfortable. The other guys start chanting, “Robby D!” Okay, whatever. Then everyone goes inside to watch their Independent-Spirit-Award-Winning footage from earlier. Where did those agents run off to?

The next day Sasha gets ready for his date and explains to us that all of the other guys in the house are sheep, but he is a wolf. And not just your ordinary wolf, but a wolf looking for his very own mythical unicorn. Jillian struts over wearing denim coveralls that have been cut off into booty shorts (really?) and ginormous yellow heels. Who does her costuming, because I’m sensing an Emmy.

Wes tells us that he wishes he were the one chosen for this date because he actually has something on the line here. Oh really? And what might that be, Wes? Well, it’s a song he wrote for Jillian that he knows will be a hit (how could dozens of Mexicans be wrong?) if only the right people could hear it.

Jillian takes Sasha to some automotive museum where they create their own little photo shoot posing on top of different cars. Of course the venue is closed down and empty. But Herby the love bug is there! On the roof are a couple of cars that Sasha gets to choose from to take a ride in. He chooses a Ferrari and they zip all over the darkened streets of Los Angeles while Jillian squeals her lungs out. Sasha plans out (and tells us out loud) how smoothly he plans to sweep in for a kiss.

Over dinner he tells Jillian about a huge car accident he was in once that almost killed and paralyzed him. But it’s taught him to love and appreciate life. Jillian admits that she’s always wanted to find someone who’s been through a “storm.” As dinner continues, Jillian asks her standard question about Sasha’s ex-girlfriends. He has been in love three times (no halves), but two of them were in high school and he’s never had his heart broken. I really don’t understand how you live for approximately 30 years and never experience a broken heart. The only explanation is that you’ve never let yourself care about another person more than you care about yourself. Or you’re from Krypton. Sasha says that his big accident has taught him not to settle. Right, cause he seems like the kind of guy who was right on the verge of marrying a 3 (out of 10). Good thing he learned to value life and not settle.

And at the barracks Wes is giving a concert in the hopes that somewhere out there is a record producer with a Bachelorette fetish. And speaking of fetishes, Foot Fetish Tanner – and Other Tanner, for that matter – have had just about enough of Wes’s guitar playing, thank you very much!

Sasha wants to know what Jillian thinks about him now that their date is coming to an end. She tells us that she gets the feeling that if she ended up with Sasha she would feel enormous pressure to always have to be perfect. Good perception, Jillian! We’re learning! I mean, can you imagine being with a guy who’s always wondering if he settled? I mean, he’s had a brush with death, how dare you not shave your legs for two weeks? Well, Jillian knows she’s no unicorn, so she tells Sasha that this just isn’t going to happen because she’ll never live up to his expectations. Sasha’s like, “Fair enough, you’re only a 7.5 or 8 anyway.” Just kidding he’s not that big of a jerk. Jillian puts him on a public transportation shuttle to the airport, which is the awesomest Ride of Shame I’ve seen yet. The guys at home watch Sasha’s things being taken away and Wes tunes his guitar.

And now for the scene we’ve been teased with all week. Wes strolls over to stand beneath Jillian’s window and “crow” out his latest hit. He sings one line and then asks if he can come upstairs to finish it. Finish, my butt. It’s the same one line he sang the very first night and he doesn’t have anything else. He just wants to make out – and Jillian happily obliges.

It’s Pre Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Time! Here come the highlights:

Ed and Robby are hanging out fat and happy with their roses, but everyone else is on edge after Sasha’s dismissal.

During alone time with Reid, Jillian asks him what questions he has for her and guess what he wants to know. “Why didn’t I get the rose last night?” First of all, the editing is out of order. Secondly, does anyone actually have any questions for Jillian? Wait! Here comes The Princess Bride music and Reid and Jillian make out. This is a joke.

David continues to stew in his Juan-anger, but he finally gets some alone time with Jillian and uses it to tell her that he’s used to being top dog and hates fighting for her attention. But he really wants to get to know her. And mid-sentence, who should interrupt David but… Juan! Look out! David storms back to the other guys and goes right back to planning Juan’s demise.

Foot Fetish Tanner sits Jillian down to hint that some others might be here with ulterior motives, but he himself is only here to suck on her toes. He does this really funny toe-sucking dance for us when he’s alone with the camera.

So weird! Okay, I’m going to share something with you, my beloved readers: I once had a guy suck on my toes… to the point where half of my foot was in his mouth. It happened kind of quickly and I was so surprised that I mostly just laughed. I mean, if that’s what he wanted to do, who was I to stop him? It was, however, an isolated incident and not a full-time obsession. Please leave your thoughts/stories in the comments. Moving right along…

David has worked himself into such a frenzy that he’s biting everyone’s heads off and he tells everyone who will listen that Juan is not the one for Jillian and he’s here for the wrong reasons – like pretending to take shots. When Juan strolls out to the patio, David orders him to go back inside. And he does! Ha! What a sissy. But then! Juan comes back outside and we embark on THE MOST DRAMATIC CONFRONTATION IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY. Juan tells David that everybody doesn’t have to like everybody. David calls Juan out for faking a shot. Juan calmly explains the reasons that he’s here – to find someone for the rest of his life. David says it’s too cheesy and all fake. And that concludes the most dramatic confrontation in Bachelorette history. Did you all make it through that? Feel the need to rewind it several times? Yeah, me neither.

Thank goodness, Chris comes out tapping the glass. He and Jillian re-evaluate things which need no repetition, and Jillian is totally slurring by now. All she knows is that she made out with everyone and everyone is hot. Here come the roses.

Jake, Reid, Mark (he may be the one I never recognize), Jesse, Foot Fetish Tanner, Wes, Juan, Michael, Krypton, Mike… gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. David! The music swells, the tears fall. Other Tanner and Brad are out of here! Other Tanner tells us that writing a song for someone does not make an entire relationship and he hopes Jillian doesn’t make the same mistake that Jason made and choose the wrong person. Good exit speech, Other Tanner. Brad just says he’s going to be a drifter.

Next week everyone gets the unfortunate chance to go to Canada, David is DENIED when he tries to kiss Jillian, and someone (I think it’s Foot Fetish Tanner) tells Jillian that several of the guys have girlfriends at home. That’s more like it. Let’s have some drama!

So what do you guys think? Personally, I’m already totally burned out on watching Jillian kissing everyone. I don’t think I can stand any more. Yech.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta