The Bachelorette Comes Out…Lamer Than Ever

[by Jaded Bitch]

The evening started off with (surprise surprise) a preview of what’s to come, including a snippet of Fabrice at the Rose Ceremony. (Seriously, half of the show is made up of previews. If they got rid of them all, it’d cut the program to half an hour!) “Fabrice COMES OUT with a shocking announcement!” exclaims the host. I rubbed my hands in glee, anticipating Fabrice’s inevitable nationalized outing! The announcer then began to speak in rhyme: “Who will she choose? Who will she reject? Find out tonight… on the Bachelorette!” Suddenly it was Dr. Seuss narrating!As the episode began, I again questioned why I had volunteered to cover this show for TVGasm. Oh right, I thought it might actually be GOOD. But alas, there were no Trishes to be found, and Stu the Stalker was dropped hotter than an Andrew Firestone fiance. Well, let’s get it over with, shall we? The sooner the better, but first the letter…

The first task was for the men to write a letter to Jen describing why they would be the best husband for her. Most of the guys looked dumbfounded by this tall order. “But we don’t write letters! We get by on our looks!” Everyone except Ben, that is. He took to the pen like Cyrano de Bergerac. They had only 20 minutes to concoct their masterpieces, and each letter was to be anonymous.

After Jen had reviewed each submission, she selected two winners. She appeared via video to announce what the first winner would be doing on his date with her. Wearing a FDNY tank top, Jen beamed into the camera and exclaimed that they would be taking a ride on a firetruck and meeting some firemen! Fabrice raised his eyebrows, wishing he had put a little more work into his love note. Firemen! That’s hot! Ryan was the winner that Jen got!

The two zoomed through the streets of New York atop a firetruck, which is hardly romantic when you consider that the entire squad is riding along with you down below. Ryan made the acute observation that the sirens were on, “Oh look they turned on the lights.” And oh look, they’re stopping at this house that’s burning to the ground. Oh look, you’re sitting on the hose. Oh look, that’s actually my hose. Hmm, with all this Ryan and fire department business, I’m having a deja vu. Aren’t you?

The conversation Ryan and Trista, er, Jen, had back at her loft consisted of: R: To the letter! (toasting their wine glasses) J: To the letter! R: Thanks for choosing my letter! J: I liked your letter! R: Why did you like my letter? (This segment was brought to you by the letters L, A, M, and E.)

After their mind-stimulating convo, Ryan and Jen hopped into the hot tub, smooched, and yada yada yada. No, not “yada yada yada” in the Seinfeld way, but “yada yada yada” in the who-cares-what-else-they-did-way.

The second winner of the letter writing contest was Jerry. As he got dressed for his date, I couldn’t help noticing Fabrice laying on the bed eyeing Jerry’s behind. No word of a lie! Ryan made another insightful comment when he stated that he didn’t like the idea that other guys were going out with Jen. Dude, you’re on a reality tv dating show. It’s not the Ryan and Jen Show. And if you don’t like it, go! (Are my attempts at rhyme lame? Good, cause that’s the name of THIS game!) Hey, I’m just putting you through the same torture I had to go through watching this shite program!

The date with Jerry included dinner at Jazz at the Lincoln Center, along with a private concert from…VANESSA WILLIAMS! No, just joshing with ya. It was some guy on a piano that my uncultured little brain had never heard of. Jerry told Jen he liked her and that he wasn’t desperate. Dude, you’re on a reality tv dating show. It’s called “The Bachelorette” but it may as well be called “D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E!” He also asked if she was only doing the show to redeem herself after being publicly dumped and humiliated by Andrew Firestone. She retorted with a flick of her hair, “I’m only going to choose someone if it’s right, and right for-ever.” She actually spoke with a hypen. For – ever. Like, To-Tally.

The next day’s Group Date was with Wendell, John Paul, Ben, and Fabrice at a pizza parlour in Little Italy. Wouldn’t it be fun if Fabrice had won a date and it was to go with Jen to a gay club? We know it would’ve been fun for Fabrice, that’s for sure. He’s the biggest ‘mo on the show! And yes, I wrote that purely for the rhyme.

Will and Grace actually had a bit of alone time to do some girl talk over pizza, though Fabrice was really eyeing the Italian sausage in the corner. He tells her that he sees Jerry and Ryan in the house and freaks out! Freaks out about what? That they’re hot and he wants their asses? Fair enough. Let’s move on.

Chris Harrison appears out of nowhere – mid-episode no less! – to announce a bit of a surprise. There will be one more individual date with Jen that evening, but in order to win it, the men would have to race each other to the Empire State Building and the first to arrive will greet Jen on the rooftop. How very Sleepless in Seattle. All that’s missing is Rosie O’Donnell pretending to be her straight best friend. Oh wait, we have Fabrice pretending to be her straight suitor so, that’ll do.

Speaking of Fabrice, he began sauntering the streets of New York while all the other men ran relentlessly in circles trying to hail a cab that would take them for a free ride. (Their wallets had all been confiscated before the race and given over to CBS’ Phil Keoghan.) Wendell bribed his taxi driver with $300 of his friend’s money while Ben and John Paul sweet talked their cabbies. Fabrice continued to walk over to Chelsea where he stood on the corner and hitched his pants up at cars that passed by. “I was trying to make some monee for le taxi,” he explained, as his fifth customer of the night dropped him off.

The winner of this not-so-amazing race was Wendell! Great, it’s a night out with her brother! It’s the Friend Guy! (re: there is ZERO spark between these two, other than the static electricity from her fuzzy shawl and frizzed out hair). And here’s a snippet of conversation from Wendell and Jen’s date: W: I was determined. J: Why were you so determined? W: Cause I’m determined to like you. J: Wow that’s really determined.

Actually, only the first two lines were real dialogue. Though Wendell really was determined for Jen to meet his family. Perhaps it’s because he wanted to verify that he was indeed her brother, therefore explaining the utter lack of romance between them. They both drank wine but that delicious looking dessert just lay abandoned on the coffee table! That cake was the most interesting part of this scene. And no, I’m not just being mean.

Rose Ceremony, finally. This was to be a serious one since the next step was for Jen to go meet the guys’ families. Fabrice halted things before it even began and proclaimed he had an announcement. I turned up the volume, and screamed for everyone around me to shut the F*ck up how about I talk to you like that? Here it comes….wait for it, wait for it… Fabrice told Jen he doesn’t want to marry her… wait for it… he said he doesn’t feel any passion….that Jen’s not the right woman for him… okay, wait for it…and then he told her…that he wanted to leave…. and then he left. And I’m still waiting. And we’re all still waiting. W T F.

What a complete rip off. Where was Fabrice’s coming out party? There was no Diana Ross song. No “Yay, you’re Gay!” souffle. No shirtless studs rushing into the room high on ecstasy and dressed in tighty whities, dancing with glow sticks to the latest Kylie Minogue song. I didn’t think I could be more disappointed with this show. Oh well, they’re the ones that look like complete idiots when it’s all over the press now that Fabrice didn’t even play for the right team!

There was still the rose ceremony to sit through. Jerry got one, Ryan got one, Wendell got one, and John Paul got one. Ben did not. Ben squinted his eyebrows and waxed poetic about love, Jen, and the fates.

Next week, it’s all about hometown visits. Perhaps the family members will bring some liveliness into this barely breathing series. The bloopers at the end featuring Jerry dancing with a lamp dressed to look like Jen were cute. If only the rest of the show had this spontaneity and carefree spirit to it, perhaps it would make it more enjoyable.