The Bachelorette: Jillian’s Pity Party

We open this week’s The Bachelorette with Jillian reminding us how hard that last Rose Ceremony was for her. She is still beside herself with shock to imagine that one or more of the guys may be on TV for selfish purposes, rather than to win her love. Who can she trust? Poor, poor Jillian.Everyone has gathered in Whistler, which looks like some kind of ski resort. Jillian, rather than Chris Harrison, tells us that she will be having two one-on-one dates and one group date. Yes, we are still going on massive group dates and yes it is the fifth episode and yes, it’s super boring and annoying. I can’t figure out why ABC keeps deciding that with this series MORE is better.

Jillian shows the guys to their newest luxury suite and Jesse comments about all this pressure now that they’re down to the FINAL TEN! Final 10???? OMG, someone please spare me. And shut up, Jesse. There are still plenty of group dates in your future. After chillin’ with da boyz, Jillian leaves a Date Card on the table and leaves. Someone I don’t recognize (again?) reads the card. It has to be Mark. No matter how many times I see him, I never recognize him.

I think by now I pretty much know the other guys, so when some stranger pops up as part of the group, I’m just going to assume it’s Mark from here on out. This is the same effect Sienna Miller has on me. It doesn’t matter how many movies and magazines she’s in, every time I see her I’m like, “Who’s that girl?” So now I just assume any random blonde chick in a magazine is Sienna Miller. Anyway the Date Card says, “Michael come fly with me. Love, Jillian.” Michael wants to burst into dance, but instead he just tells the other guys they can go home now. But it is he who must pack his bags in preparation for the grand brush off. He tells us that he has this huge crush on Jillian and he thinks he likes her more than the rest of the guys do.

Did you know that Jillian needs to find out if she and Michael have a romantic connection? If he can be the one who makes her happy for life? Well she does and that is why he’s here on this date. It turns out they are going ziplining. Geez, we already did this THIS SEASON! Remember with Ed from the roof of the Bonaventure Hotel? Well this time it’s out in a snowy forest so I guess it’s totally different. For the next five minutes my brain almost shatters into a thousand pieces because all I can hear is Jillian squealing at the top of her lungs. Can she cool it already? Michael says ziplining is like love because you commit to it and then you jump. I swear, the interviewers must actually say, “How would you compare ziplining to love?” because NO ONE would really say that! And Jillian also said it when she ziplined down the Bonaventure. More squealing, more brain shattering. Jillian says she feels like a kid when she’s with Michael. When they do a tandem zipline where Jillian kind of sits in Michael’s lap he says, “We should try this later tonight in the bedroom.” Oh hardy har, that was so clever, Michael.

“And we should invite my boy Tanner to join us. Wouldn’t that be killer?”

After ziplining they sit down to chat over hot chocolate. Jillian confides that besides adventure dates she also likes to have relaxing evenings. Riveting, Jillian. Even later, the two get a little dressed up and go out to dinner. Jillian wants to know if there is more to Michael than the funny side. Can they just have dinner and a normal conversation? Well I for one can’t wait to find out. A waiter helps Jillian pop a champagne bottle with a machete and she squeals. My head hurts so bad it’s making me have to throw up.

Oh boy it’s Date Card #2. Jake reads it and it says, “Wes, Robby, Krypton, Tanner, Ed, Jake, Reid and Mark: Let’s call it a snow day.” The guys all cheer. Why? Jesse is stoked because he gets the other one-on-one.

Back at the restaurant, Jillian asks Michael if he’s ready to fall in love and settle down. He goes off saying what a cheesy hopeless romantic he is, but I remember him saying on episode one that there is PART of him that wants to be with just one girl. Which is it, Michael, ’cause I think you’re full of crap. He asks what Jillian thinks about life and love. She says she doesn’t need to be a trophy wife – don’t think you’re in much danger of that, Jillian. And that she doesn’t need to be tiptoeing through the tulips with someone all the time; she just wants it to be real. That is so profound. I love how they make an entire show out of boring people saying the same stuff everyone thinks. It’s so fascinating and enlightening. But wait! Jillian does have some “tough questions.” Like why did Michael sign up for the show? Michael tells us that he broke up with a girlfriend eight months ago and hasn’t been on a date since. This just seemed like something he was supposed to do and just look. Here he is falling in love with Jillian. She’s so playful and fun, unlike the girls in the Midwest he grew up with. Also, he’s sure that he’s here for the RIGHT REASONS, so there. And oat comes the rose. Jillian says that Michael makes her laugh and can have good conversations. She has more to figure out, but she wants him to stay. Oh goody, Michael gets a rose. Michael in his tight jacket gets a boutonniere.

The next morning Jillian meets up with the big group and she is ready to get to the bottom of the girlfriend rumors. She will be grilling every guy in turn to make sure he is here for the RIGHT REASONS. First off, they have to pair up on snowmobiles and the guys all look adorable in couples on their snowmobiles. Only Robby D. gets the privilege of riding with The Bachelorette.

When they come to a stop Robby D. apologizes for throwing a fit at the last Rose Ceremony. If you’ll recall he was very upset that he didn’t get alone time when the cocktail party was cut short. Jillian says it’s fine and everything is swell. I’m dozing off. Robby D. says he’s having all these emotions and he knows what he’s getting into. Jillian concludes that Robby D. does not have a girlfriend.

Foot Fetish Tanner comes to interrupt and Jillian is happy to pump him for more info. She reminds him that he promised to let her know who the culprit is. Foot Fetish Tanner back pedals and says he doesn’t want to throw anyone under the bus but he just wants her to keep her eyes open. To us he says that Wes is the one to worry about. That chicken is afraid of The Rooster.

Ah, and here is Wes himself, telling Jillian he was mad at the Rose Ceremony because he is sure the other guys suspect him of not being here for the RIGHT REASONS because he has a CD coming out and all. He also says that his little sister signed him up for the show – so in other words he didn’t even want to be here. He tells Jillian she’s amazing and she swallows the whole thing hook, line and sinker. She says she can tell Wes is into her and she would know if he had a girlfriend. To Wes she says she knows they have a connection so she’s not worried about him. Very smart there, Jillian. They do some yucky kissing in the snow. To us Wes says he knows this is going to get his career some publicity, but that’s not the reason he’s here. Sure Wes.

Later when it’s dark, the guys all stand around a makeshift bar – okay an ice bar – and give Jillian a toast. Jillian can’t resist getting up on the ice bar to dance and then leaps into Ed’s arms. This girl is quite the drinker. She seems rather tipsy about 95% of the time. And the continual dancing on bars? Really? Apparently there is a hotel nearby because she pulls Krypton into a bedroom for a chat. First things first, Krypton needs to feel Jillian’s butt because it’s wet.

That is one of the classiest things I’ve ever been lucky enough to witness. She seems pretty sloshed and just giggles and pokes at Krypton. She tells him she knows he doesn’t have a girlfriend and she likes him. Does he like her? Giggle, giggle. Enough of this, let’s make oat. And they do. And it looks drunk and sloppy.

Oh Jesse gets his Date Card and it says, “Jesse: it’s time to break the ice. -Jilly.” What could it mean? What could it mean? What could it mean?

Oh well, it’s time for Jillian to make out with Reid now! Where does Reid see himself in five years? Like married with kids or what? Yes, he says, married with kids. And he wants his family to be adventurous and do more stuff than he did growing up. So there, Reid’s parents! Also, Jillian smells like snow and flowers. Then Jillian busts out with, “Who’s the one who’s got a girlfriend?” Reid jokes around naming off a bunch of guys then they both giggle and kiss. Well, that was helpful and informative!

Outside Ed is sitting by a fire and he is NOT happy. He says he needs to talk to Jillian because everything is NOT okay.

Jillian takes him aside and says he’s been acting distant. Ed reveals that he had a conference call with his boss and things are not good at work. He has to either quit the show or lose his job. Ha! What’s this? Did he forget to tell his boss he was off to film a television series? And how did his boss break through the ABC Fort Knox security system and get in touch with him? This is one giant sketch ball. Jillian says she’s not asking Ed to jeopardize his life for her, but she will be disappointed if he leaves. Ed tearfully tells the camera that he doesn’t know what to do. If Jillian gives him some solid indicators that she likes him then it will be nearly impossible for him to walk away.

Next Jillian gathers the guys around and presents Ed with the rose. She says she wants him to know that she really wants him there, but he should take a couple of days and make a decision and there is no pressure. So that should mean that Ed won’t walk away now right? Right. Then there is sledding and I can’t really watch – at least with sound – because Jillian is squealing again.

The next day it’s time for Jesse’s big day in the sun. Jillian squeals when she sees him. How can she not have a giant hangover? They get into a little airplane and they will be flying to and landing on a glacier. Jesse says he didn’t even know that airplanes could land on glaciers. Hmm. Now, this is something I’ve never really thought about, but it only takes about 5 seconds to come to the conclusion that airplanes can most likely land on glaciers. They can land in water, so why not? I would imagine that they have some type of skis that allow them to do this. So off they go and the mystical romantic music kicks in. This is such a fairy-tale-dream-come-true! Flying in a tiny airplane to a glacier! They land, Jillian squeals, and it’s basically a big snow field. Jesse says it looks like it’s never been touched – even though there are tracks everywhere. They run around jumping and tumbling in their snow shoes and neither of them have ever had such an experience. Jesse says it’s not only his best date, but his best DAY ever. Oh come on. Snow angels, making their initials in the snow, telling Jillian she is the greatest thing EVER, kissing, kissing, and it’s time to get back into the airplane.

Now Jillian wants to know what Jesse is like when they’re not on top of a glacier. She needs to know if Jesse is the one with a girlfriend. She questions him a-boat having recently broken up with a girlfriend and she wonders if it might be too soon for him to start up another relationship. He hesitates for a while and then says that he doesn’t think it’s too soon and he thinks he doesn’t need to be as selfish anymore. Jillian asks where he sees himself at 35. Quick! Jesse says he sees himself successful, owning a wine bar, having a house, a wife and kids. Good enough for you, Jillian? But what’s this? Jesse has a question of his own and it ISN’T “will I get the rose?” He worries that Jillian may not want to leave Vancouver and wants to know her thoughts on that. Jillian says that she wouldn’t mind moving to a new city and “putting her life in someone else’s hands” for a while. Meaning she would try to have a career in another city but live off of her boyfriend if it doesn’t happen. Jesse is blown away and this seals the deal for him. Guess what else. He loves her voice. He could listen to her talking and fall asleep. Jillian tells us she thinks her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. When she’s just talking I’m fine but it’s her blasted squealing that makes me want to jump through a plate glass window.

It’s hot tub time! Jillian of course wants to have some champagne. She tells Jesse how much fun she had today, but Jesse says he thinks she would have had just as much fun with anyone else. We all know that’s true, but Jillian’s like, “Nuh uh!” She fetches the rose, assures Jesse that he was the right person for this particular date and gives him the rose. I really wish she would pin it on his bare chest, but alas, she just hands it to him. Then they make out for an eternity in the hot tub. Hot Tub Harris.

The next day we join Ed pacing around the hotel and announcing that things have changed since the other day. Oh great, here we go. They get a room to themselves and Ed begins his speech. He’s become very attached to Jillian and after their one-on-one date he thought that everything was perfect. But he talked to his boss and “some things have transpired,” and even though this is the hardest thing he’s ever done, he has to leave. Jillian starts crying and says she really likes him, but she understands – sort of. She yammers for a while in just a stream of consciousness ramble. But ultimately she’d rather that he goes now instead of later on when she might start thinking he’s the one. Ed says he knows he’s letting Jillian down, but if he stays he’ll be letting six or seven people down.

He walks over to get the rose and tells her that he’s going to keep the rose instead of giving it back because he doesn’t think anyone else should have it. Jillian asks Ed to promise that when he finds the right person he won’t let work get in the way. Boo hoo. Ed’s a workaholic. This is sooooo sad. Jillian hugs Ed goodbye and then sobs to the camera about how hard and sad this is. Oh COME ON! There are still nine other guys! It’s not like this is the final three or four. She can’t possibly be THIS attached to this guy yet. She’s still making out with many others. Dry your eyes, Jillian, there is still a slew of guys to fawn over you. Let’s not make more of this than it is, okay? She bawls that she gave up a lot to be here too, waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! This is so ridiculous and overblown. And PS, the rumors on the interweb are that Ed pops back up at a later date claiming he made a huge mistake in leaving. After last season I wouldn’t be surprised. This is such a fake joke.

When Chris Harrison sits down with Jillian to talk about the week, he is “very surprised” to find out that Ed went home. Oh give it up. Don’t make me laugh, please.

We have to spend another five minutes going over the tragedy of Ed’s early exit. Seriously, he must be coming back or they wouldn’t be spending this much time on it. I remember in Jesse Palmer’s season one of the girls pulled him aside and told him not to give her a rose because she didn’t think they were a match. That was the last we heard of it. But now this is the scandal of the decade? You decide. Anyway Chris talks about a few of the other guys and Jillian repeats a lot of crap she’s said already. The most alarming part of this discussion is that Chris says that because Ed left, only one other guy will get the boot tonight. ONLY ONE? This season is never going to end.

At the Rose Ceremony the guys are dressed down a little this week. They’re all wearing fancy clothes on top and jeans on the bottom. Uh, okay I guess. Michael and Jesse already have roses and here comes a tipsy Jillian to distribute the remainders.

Here’s how it goes: Reid, Krypton, Robby D., Jake, Foot Fetish Tanner (the informant)… gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. WES. The Rooster.

So Mark – or the unidentified man in the back row – will be leaving. Good, I won’t be confused every time he comes on camera. Mark tells us that he’s been cheated on four times, so he has a wall up. And this experience has made him think about his barriers. He says he didn’t come here to sell records and he doesn’t have a girlfriend, but it’s not up to him to get involved with Jillian’s decisions. That’s Foot Fetish Tanner’s job.

Next week Foot Fetish Tanner shows us his underwear and Wes seems to make yet another declaration about the publicity he’s getting out of this. Yeah right, he’s not going anywhere. Also, Chris Harrison hints at some sort of impotency situation coming up on the overnight dates in a few episodes. YEAH RIGHT. There’s no way they’re going to talk about one of the bachelors not being able to get it up. Like this is the season they’re going to stop being hush-hush about the overnights? Not. Buying. It.

So what do you think? Is Ed’s early exit just another ABC ploy?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta