The Bachelorette: Last Train to Idiotville

Well for Pete’s sake, here we go again with The Bachelorette. Is this Groundhog Day? Have I woken up in Punxutawney, Pennsylvania to Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe?”

I think I must have because here is Chris Harrison to tell us that things are getting serious and this week there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates. There will be a rose up for grabs on each date. Five of the guys will receive roses this week and those five will get hometown dates. If they EVEN try to make next week longer than two hours just because there are five hometown dates instead of four, so help me I will destroy something. Now everyone get your crap because this week’s episode will be taking place on a train called the Rocky Mountaineer. If they think that putting this on a train is fooling anyone they can guess again. It’s going to be the same thing as last week and the infinite weeks before and after. This never ends and I want to cry. Can you tell that whenever I set out to do a recap I am very put out? It’s the two hour thing, I tell you. Well that and the fact that this show NEVER CHANGES. Wait, what am I saying? We’re getting on a train. All aboard! It’s time for the Variety Express!

Jillian is sporting some sort of red plaid flannel shirt with a belt around her waist. Huh? Her outfits continue to baffle me. This train ride is exceedingly special because no one else will be allowed on the train besides our wannabe stars and their production crew. No pesky public to slow things up. And getting right down to business, Jillian breaks out the alcohol. I’m going to have to do the same in just a minute, here. So the big difference here is that today while everyone is getting trashed and making fools of themselves, the scenery is actually moving past the window. Jillian goes out of her way to read a cue card saying that she “still misses Ed.” Translation: Don’t forget that there was a guy named Ed because he’ll be back for the most dramatic twist in Bachelorette history. Jillian uses the Ed prompt to segue into whining that she needs to be with someone who will cheer her up tonight. And the lucky lush to play Court Jester is… Robby D. Great, they can mix some cocktails.

Did you know that a train is the perfect place to fall in love? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! It’s time for Personal Time with Honey Gangsta. Okay, where I grew up there is a train ride you can take for entertainment purposes called the Heber Creeper. As the name would imply, it goes slowly, but the point is that it shows you the countryside in a way you don’t always get to see it. And it’s a perfect place to fall in love. Or to fall violently ill, as I did as a small child. I must have been pretty small because I remember my dad carrying me, but I also remember puking out the train window and have nowhere to go and no choice but to stay on the train until the stupid ride was over. Do you know the torment of being confined to a small crowded rocking space when your stomach is seriously revolting? It’s called motion sickness, people, and it isn’t fun. Throw some booze into the mix and you’ve got yourself a vomitorium on wheels. I’m just saying. Okay, on with the show.

Well I certainly called it because Robby D. immediately starts making drinks for Jillian. Will this be another Rosmo or does he have something else up his sleeve? Jillian tries to twirl a drink shaker and in her already drunken state just keeps dropping it all over the place. She says she loves Robby’s fresh approach to life. And I think by “life” she means “alcohol.” Bottoms up! After several cocktails these two retire to the caboose for dinner. See how they just keep mixing things up? Over dinner Robby D. confesses that his family has a curse in that none of them have been able to get married. That’s something you want to brag about on The Bachelorette. Jillian’s a bit worried because her eggs are getting stale and Robby D. is only 25. How does he feel about starting a family in the next couple of years? He says he’s ready to have someone with him and all he needs now is to find a job. He tells us that love has no age and love has no job. Another ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Robby D. is going to live on love! What is a career, after all, when you are in love? With love all things are possible, including free rent, complimentary utilities, and groceries pro bono. LOVE HAS NO JOB. And neither does Robby. Here is one whose boss won’t be yanking him off the show. How on earth is this genius still single? Jillian doesn’t look impressed, but she does look increasingly drunker. She tells us she can’t put her life into Robby’s hands yet. But maybe after a couple more cocktails…

They go to “Jillian’s room” on the train, which looks like a bunch of 7th graders toilet papered a train car. I guess that’s “girly.”Jillian suggests Robby start a bartending school. In other words, Robby, you need a job. Robby’s like, “Nah…” Jillian decides through her cocktail haze that Robby isn’t ready to support a family. What tipped you off, Jill?

The train slows down as Jillian gives a speech about Robby making her feel young and carefree. You know, like the good old days when you were a child and your parents took care of you and changed your diapers? She tells him she’d probably marry him five to ten years from now, but as for today, Robby’s train stops here. And the train actually stops and Jillian puts Robby out onto the tracks as the other guys watch from the Idiot Car. Jillian whines that this is hard on her, so surely she’ll need another drink. Robby erroneously blames his age instead of his unemployed status for his Big Rejection.

Later as Jillian pouts in her “room” and looks around for something else to drink, Wes sweeps in to sing his song and comfort her. Wait, no song this time, thank goodness. He just acts all sympathetic and cuddly, telling Jillian he wants more time with her and swiftly wiping any thoughts of Robby out of her mind. To us, Wes says the following: “The fame that I’ll get from this… it’s almost like I taste it and I eat it and it comes inside of me and it becomes a part of me. There’s no doubt that this is gonna help me. I’m getting excited. This is fun. I’ve got records to sell.” Then something about a hidden agenda and having Jillian wrapped around his finger.

At last! Some honesty! I wish EVERY guy would get drunk enough to tell us the real reason he came on the show, but it looks like we’ll only be hearing from Wes tonight on this. Audience masses may claim outrage and offense at this speech, but I’ll be honest, folks. I don’t give a crap. If Jillian is stupid enough to think that this show would really fetch her a husband – particularly after watching our hero, Jason Mesnick and his antics last season, then I don’t feel bad for her when stuff like this comes to light. I mean, wake up, morons. This has NEVER WORKED. And no, the pictures of Trista, Mr. Trista, Trista Junior and Baby Trista don’t convince me of anything. THAT was the fluke and not the other way around. So boo hoo hoo to Jillian and Bachelorette diehards worldwide because someone finally admitted to coming on the show for exposure instead of for true, true love. Trust me, he’s not the only one doing it, he’s just the only one saying it. You don’t think precious squealer Jillian had any alternative motives? Puh-lease.

Ahem, moving right along, the next morning we have breakfast on the train and Jillian basks once again in the glory of all these male eyes on her. She’s like, “Who wants to go on a date tonight?” Shut up, Jillian. She leaves a group date card behind and heads back to her “room” to find a flask. Foot Fetish Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake and Krypton get the group date, which means Reid gets the remaining one-on-one. And it takes Reid a minute to figure that out.

It turns out that the gang is going snow shoeing. In other words, they’re getting off the train and walking around in the freezing cold. Fun! The part about shoes has Foot Fetish Tanner beside himself because do you know what goes in shoes? Feet. Well, as you can imagine, this is just a great big barrel of laughs with everyone stomping through the snow and throwing snowballs, and as always, Jillian’s “personality” is at an 11. She is so much fun! See how she laughs at everything and just enjoys life? What a girl! While playing hide and seek Jake tackles Jillian in the snow and takes the opportunity to roll around a little. And pretty soon it’s time to go to a lodge and get some liquor!

Inside after some hard stuff warms her belly, Jillian decides it’s time to have those all-important five-minute conversations that will reveal to her whether these guys are marriage material. She pulls Jake outside to pontificate with him and Jake tells her that she reminds him of his mom. What a bonehead.

He tries to tempt her with descriptions of his family and just as he is building to a pinnacle of romantic declaration, the rest of the guys burst through the door and ruin Jake’s moment. He keeps telling us how DESPERATE he is for things to work with Jillian and how much he ADORES her. He is way too worked up about this all the time.

Krypton takes Jillian inside and she immediately dissolves into silly smiles while she lets him talk before climbing all over him. Krypton tells Jillian he likes her and he’s not the type to go after what he can’t have, so this whole situation has been tough. Babble, babble. Who cares what he’s saying? Certainly not Jillian, who just wants to make oat. And they do. Do these two even know each other’s names?

Next it’s group sharing time and Michael asks Jillian what she sleeps in. She says that she sleeps in underwear and a tank top, unless it’s a night when she’s been drinking, in which case just underwear. Going on that information, I’m guessing Jillian’s sheets haven’t seen a tank top since the 90′s. But isn’t she fun and playful? Michael likes to sleep in the nude and Foot Fetish Tanner decides to demonstrate what he sleeps in. He stands up, pulls his pants down, and models his tighty whiteys. Good grief, what is wrong with him? If there is one thing I don’t need to see, it is male thighs. If he had been wearing boxers all would be well, but this is just wrong. Jillian mentions that she didn’t need to see Foot Fetish Tanner’s “huge” package yet. This is so lame. Foot Fetish Tanner gets some alone time to give Jillian a foot massage and tell her he wants a hometown date. To us he can’t stop talking about her feet. Okay, we get it, he likes feet. He’s a weirdo, a tattle tell, an exhibitionist and he likes feet. Enough already.

Jesse gets alone time and says he’s not used to having to fight for someone’s time. They reminisce about their fun-filled day on the glacier and Jesse says he wants a hometown date. That’s enough talking, Jesse. They kiss for a while, blech. Jillian is just thrilled that Jesse is so open with his feelings. Now Michael goes outside with Jillian to roast marshmallows. He tells her again how much he likes her and PS he would like a hometown date. There’s no kissing with these two, and I think Jillian just keeps him around for entertainment purposes. And maybe to stop her from falling into the fire in a drunken tumble.

Inside the other guys sit around chatting and Foot Fetish Tanner admits that he’s the one who told Jillian someone has a girlfriend. Wow, that’s yesterday’s news. Jake is all defensive because no one with a girlfriend should be here. Wes is mad that someone is a tattle tell, go figure. He says he doesn’t care why anyone is actually here because he’s gotten what he wants by making it six episodes and getting to play his song on TV. So I guess the cat’s out of the bag… again. And again, I don’t care. But Jake does. He makes all kinds of threats and promises to the camera but then of course does nothing.

Everyone into the hot tub! Jillian has a rose to award and some champagne to drink! She gives it to Krypton and says she can’t wait to meet his family and find out what on earth his parents were thinking when they named him. Michael almost kicks and screams and Jake almost bawls. Big surprise, Krypton got the rose.

The next morning Jake barrels in to “Jillian’s room” to break forth with his declaration. He keeps bringing up the first date they went on – remember the empty House of Blues? – and Jillian’s just like, “yeah, that was fun.” She’s busy with a wake-up bellini, okay Jake? Jake giggles, says he really likes her, everything is lining up and he’s crazy about her. Jillian kisses his hand and thanks him for worshipping today. No mouth kissing, though, and Jake is dismissed.

Jillian puts on another plaid flannel shirt with another belt (I’ve decided it’s drunk dressing) and goes to find Reid so that they can go snowboarding and discover if they should get married. Snowboarding is really hard the first time you try it, as Reid aptly demonstrates. Jillian is SO impressed that Reid is such a good sport. Wow Jillian, I think you should marry him. But enough of this, it’s time for some alcohol! Luckily someone is great with a chainsaw and has made a mini lounge for them out of ice sculptures, including ice mugs of beer.

Jillian asks Reid what he wants in a relationship and he gives the ever-so-profound answer that he wants to be happy. Woohoo! Let’s put that on TV! He then tells Jillian that if someone’s ears are red it means they’re horny. Jillian finds this extremely charming and adorable so they make out. It’s funny how these guys she thinks are cute can do no wrong. Like Krypton. He could fart in her face and she’d tell us what a spontaneous, uninhibited guy he is and how she just wants to make out with him. Reid seems to be in the same boat. Later they eat fondue for dinner and part of this is boiling raw meat in oil and Reid is positive he’s going to get salmonella. So he’s a whiney little girl and of course Jillian is über impressed that he can show her his insecurities. Reid then admits that most of the girls he’s dated have been blonde and way different than Jillian. Again, he and Krypton can do no wrong and they are the ones throwing these backhanded compliments at her all the time. She must have a great buzz on to find this all so appealing. She almost takes her clothes off when Reid tells her not to worry that they live in different cities. She gets the rose, tells Reid they have a spark and she wants to meet his family and gives it to him. They make out some more before she passes out on the floor.

The next morning the train FINALLY pulls into its final destination, Banff Springs, where Chris Harrison is waiting to be surprised at everything that has transpired on the railways.

As Jillian sits down with the mighty host, she says, “It’s been a crazy week, but we’ve seen a lot of beautiful scenery.” Wow. Great cue card writing, production assistants. When Chris brings up Wes, Jillian claims that she is positive that Wes cares for her deeply. Yes just like Jason did, Jillian. About Jake, Jillian says she wishes he could just relax and not feel like he has to say anything. Oh geez, earlier when he declared his love Jillian told him she’s so glad he told her or else how would she know? I don’t know if what I just wrote makes sense, but honestly, Jillian doesn’t make sense to me and she is driving me nuts. Moving along. Jillian again says, “Easy on the h-word,” and that she’s not ready to break another two hearts. But she is ready to down another two drinks.

Jillian prances out to give out roses and whines that this is really hard for her. But she still has some questions! For one person in particular, and that person is Michael. She and Michael step out into the hall and she tells him she’s very worried about his age. Michael tells her he’s never had a one night stand, which I guess is supposed to prove that he’s mature for his age. He also says that he wants to be a young dad and that all he’s missing is his “forever person.” Is that enough to convince Jillian? Back to the roses!

Krypton and Reid naturally already have roses and here’s how the rest go: Jesse, Wes, gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready… Michael. I guess he’s mature enough after all. So that means Foot Fetish Tanner and Jake are history. Foot Fetish is confused. Didn’t Jillian let him rub her feet? Didn’t her show her his huge package? And now she’s going to take her chances with Wes? What gives? Jake asks Jillian if she can tell him what it was. She whimpers and whines that she doesn’t know why and she’s sorry. Jake has no idea what went wrong. He might actually be the one most into falling in love in this process, but he’s so freaking intense and caught up in the idea of this. But Jake doesn’t leave without badmouthing everyone who’s left and tearing up a little. Jillian is already over it and ready to get her hands on some champagne.

Next week it’s back to America! Jillian tells the guys that their families are going to love her. Get over yourself, trophy wife. There’s a nasty looking bubble bath and we have the misfortune of meeting Wes’s band. Then Jake returns in hero mode (and pilot uniform) to tell Jillian that Wes has a girlfriend – in front of Wes. AND there’s a surprise guest at the rose ceremony. Could it be Ed? Oh wait, as previews go on it looks like Ed comes back on the final episode to propose and throw a wrench in those works. I wish I cared. Actually, no I don’t. But I am mildly curious…

So what do you think? Are you outraged at Wes’s confession? Or have we seen it all by now? Any other thoughts? I’d love to hear them!

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta