The Bachelorette: ¡Soy grande en Chihuahua, Spain!

This week Jillian stops squealing long enough to take us on an extended look at each of the remaining guys’ journey to the Final Four. First, though, she tells us all a-boat how she thought at this point there would be one guy she really liked and then three other ones she didn’t really care for. Well, surprise, surprise, The Bachelorette thinks she’s falling in love with four guys at once! And even if she didn’t think that, you’d better believe she’d tell us that’s what’s happening or else it just wouldn’t be a reincarnation of every single previous season. This is what they have to say at this point. Probably later she’ll be singing a different tune, but tonight, this is Jillian’s story and she’s sticking to it. The only interesting thing here is that she’s telling us all of this from Madrid, Spain.Now if anyone has been paying any sort of attention over the last few weeks, then they should already know everything in this opening montage of each guy’s journey, so I’m skipping it. Feel free to skim back over Bachelorette archives if you have any questions.

What we have going on this week is what I like to call The Superfluous Episode. As if they aren’t all superfluous. This is NOT QUITE the exotic dates yet, but we’re one past the hometown dates, so we’re going to spend an episode in Spain wasting some time. Why the filler, ABC? Why? Oh well, we might as well get through this and try to remain sane. First up is Krypton, with whom Jillian is enamored. Jillian worries, worries, worries that Krypton is way out of her league and that he doesn’t like her as much as she likes him. Good grief, Jillian, insecure much? I mean, he came on TV to woo you, didn’t he? Don’t turn it around and chase HIM down. Have a little dignity. By the way, with Jillian’s little oat-fits picked for the hot Spanish sun, I’m noticing that she is frighteningly tiny. I mean, I’ve noticed before that she’s petite, but seriously – this girl looks like a tween in her tight little clothes. Okay, so here is Krypton and he tells us he thinks he might be able to fall in love with Jillian. That sounds promising. They stroll around Madrid together marveling at the culture and beauty. Hmm, a little different than old Canada, eh Jillian? She tells Krypton that his hometown date was awesome, his mom was hilarious (or rude, as I would call it) and that the caution tape was just brilliant. Obviously Jillian would make a perfect Kryptonite. Krypton tells her that he and his sister discussed the progress of his Bachelorette relationship and while things are going well, he feels that at this point a proposal is far off. Jillian’s face falls.

As they discuss, Jillian says she’s definitely looking for an engagement, and while some of this has to be a leap of faith, there is still PLENTY of time for her and Krypton to spend together to see if they should get married. Like that one day you’ll spend together in Hawaii? Right, that should solve everything.

They head into a dance studio to watch some flamenco dancers and then to take a lesson of their own. But of course, before we start anything, Jillian needs a hearty helping of sangria. I think this is supposed to be an erotic exercise because of the gazing and twisting, but honestly it’s pretty awkward with Jillian’s leotard and Krypton’s skin tight matador outfit and both of them trying hard not to look like total losers. Jillian tells us how much fun she’s having (that’s her forte!), but neither of them can dance for crap.

Later on Krypton and Jillian reunite for dinner and more pre-marital conversation. To me Jillian’s outfit this evening looks like a miniature Snow White costume.

She tells us that she wouldn’t want someone to propose to her if he felt it was too soon, but I think we all know that the subtext here is that it better NOT be too soon, and that’s what tonight’s dinner will ensure with all of its vital topics. In typical Euro style they take a moped to the restaurant and as soon as they sit down Jillian says, “So what do you think so far?” What do you mean, Jillian – has he decided yet to propose? Discussing Krypton’s tight pants leads to talking about having children. Jillian says that when she was eight years old she used to babysit the whole neighborhood so she’s always loved kids. Eight years old? Does Canada have Child Protective Services? Cause that sounds like gross neglect on the part of the parents in Jillian’s neighborhood. They eat some snails, drink some wine, talk about how Krypton is too much of a softie and that Jillian needs someone to stand up to her. Is that offer open to anyone, Jillian? And now guess what comes along. It’s a freaking Fantasy Suite Card. Okay, so they’re doing that this episode? You know they’re going to do it next week too, right? Krypton reads the card and is like, “What the heck? Let’s go.” BUT! Jillian has chosen tonight’s episode to refute her tramp charges and she says she’s not quite ready to spend the night with someone yet. They decide instead to go to Jillian’s room and cuddle, and frankly, Krypton doesn’t seem too broken up about it. They both wax on and on about how they could potentially fall in love and it’s very uninteresting.

Reid is up next and Jillian has traveled to Sevilla to meet him. This time she’s sporting a black tank top and black hot pants that most likely came off of a juniors rack somewhere. When Reid appears she squeals, jumps into his arms and starts kissing him. Reid talks in Idiot Spanish saying that Jillian looks “mo-ee bon-ee-ta” and they head off to go shopping. They stumble into a little shop and proceed to BUTCHER the local language trying to order bread and cheese.

Reid does actually manage to say “con queso” and “chorizo” (isn’t that Mexican?) while Jillian giggles that if the two of them lived in Spain they would be totally skinny because they wouldn’t be able to order any food. Oh ha, ha, ha, Jillian. That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. When the poor little shopkeeper asks them if they speak Spanish (Obviously not, hombre) Reid says, “Soy grande,” which sounds to me like he’s ordering at Starbucks. What it actually means is “I’m big,” and what he’s trying to say is “I’m good.” Can they please leave and stop embarrassing English speakers the world over? Mercifully they do.

As they stroll around with their groceries Jillian says it feels like Reid is her boyfriend. Isn’t that fun? They have to rehash Reid’s hometown and they both agree that it went really well (naturally). Reid wants to know if there was anything exciting on the other hometowns and all Jillian will tell him is that unfortunately there were no crazy families. It’s unfortunate because it doesn’t make her decision easy, you see. She could easily fit seamlessly in to any of the families she met and that is a real bummer. Reid stumbles around verbally for a while – his attempt at making a declaration of affection. He talks about how long it usually takes him to make progress in a relationship and about how attractive Jillian is. Jillian giggles and wants to kiss. She wants this evening to get a little more serious so that she can tell if Reid is going to make with a diamond or not.

When they meet up later Reid tells us that he’s maybe, possibly falling in love. He says that sometimes he doesn’t even realize he’s falling in love and he needs a little push to make it clear. Wow. As they sit down to eat, Jillian tells Reid that while she liked his speech earlier, it was way to generalized and she needs him to get much more specific and spell out in detail every little reason he has for liking her. Way to indulge, Jillian. Reid tells her that things are going well, he likes her a lot, but he doesn’t usually move this fast. Basically he likes how things are going, but he’s not about to get down on one knee or anything. Hmm, how very normal of him. One thing that’s kind of endearing about Reid is that he teases Jillian a lot, which is much more interesting than Krypton, who is just a deer in headlights most of the time. Ah! Here is the Fantasy Card.

Reid reads and he says it’s Jillian’s decision whether to spend the night together or not. Jillian gives her speech again about not wanting to get her emotions confused and needing to hold off one more week before jumping into the sack with everyone. Reid’s like, “That sounds fine.” Then he starts worrying about the fact that Jillian is also going to be making out with a bunch of other guys. Jillian’s like, “What do you mean? Why does that bother you? Tell me more about that!” Geez, she’s really hungry to hear about just how much she is adored. Why do you think it bothers him, Jillian? Were you thrilled to think a-boat Jason sleeping with everyone else besides you? No you were not. Reid piggy backs Jillian back to wherever she’s going and he tries to tell us in Spanish that she has his heart. That’s enough Spanish for you, Reid.

The next morning Jillian – still in Sevilla – strolls through some sort of arboretum contemplating how stressful it has been to hang out with Ed, what with his leaving and coming back and all. Ed has a lot of catching up to do. And to prove it, Jillian dives right into his arms squealing and telling him how much she’s missed him. Her shorts are all wet, by the way, which could mean any number of gross things.

Ed goes on for a while about how much he missed her when he went home and kept wondering what on earth he had done. Only what the producers made you do, Ed. They take a carriage ride and he continues babbling about how he really feels like he needs to get to know her better.

Jillian wants details on just how much Ed likes her and why. He just replays the events of leaving and coming back over and over. Then they make oat in the carriage. Soon though, Jillian needs to stop for an alcoholic beverage and remind Ed how much catching up he has to do. She wants Ed to tell her exactly how everything would have gone if he had gotten a hometown date. He mentions something about karaoke and then Jillian loses all interest and just wants to make oat all over Sevilla. They kiss in the street, they kiss on a corner, they kiss on some stairs, they freaking climb into a fountain and kiss.

Jillian is one horny chick. I mean, she is really going at it with every single one of these idiots. I know she thinks it proves that she’s spontaneous, fun, and here for the right reasons, but it’s gotten really old watching everyone suck her face off. She tells us she’s just catching up for all the time Ed missed. Whatever.

Now it’s time for the serious-evening-portion of this date. Jillian tells us that since Ed left, she hasn’t had a chance to come up with concerns and questions for him, so he needs to catch up. Gee Jillian, do you think Ed has some catching up to do or what? My gosh pull your face out of his mouth and talk to him instead of continuing to tell us he missed a lot. Ed suggests that Jillian comes to Chicago to live with him and evolve as a couple, which delights Jillian. You know, he missed having that conversation with her when he went home. Okay, here’s what. Even though they are finally having an actual conversation, Ed is looking everywhere EXCEPT at Jillian. He looks at the table, he looks at the floor, he looks outside, he looks at his shoes, yammer, yammer. Of course, Jillian’s eyes are glued right to his mouth. He is just wonderful and he even wants to have kids! And here comes the Fantasy Card. Ed makes Jillian read it, he says he’d love to spend the night with her, and then he makes this face:

Jillian gives the “confused emotions” speech again, adding on that it’s extra hard with Ed since he went home and came back again. She doesn’t think she’s ready for what the card represents. Ed counters that it could represent any great number of things, including time together to… catch up! Magic words, there Ed. If there’s anything Jillian wants to do, it’s catch up. He missed a lot when he went home. They head to the Fantasy Suite to “catch up” and Jillian says she feels like a queen. They cuddle on the bed and I don’t really get how this is different than Krypton’s date except that they’re in a bigger hotel room. Jillian declares that they will sleep in their clothes (at least until filming stops) and she gulps down some champagne, dives back into Ed’s face, Ed goes, “You’re my favorite part about Spain,” BARF, and we’re done!

Well hello, Wes. We’ve traveled all the way to Barcelona to hear Wes tell us that because he had a song that was number one in Chihuahua, Mexico, he is very at home living among Spanish people. Oh. My. Gosh. Does Wes think we’re in Mexico? Does he think that Spain is just south of the United States border? Does he realize the gargantuan difference between a European nation and Mexico? Has he brought along some pesos to buy souvenirs? This guy is SUCH a moron that I’m mad we have to spend the next ten minutes listening to anything that comes out of his mouth! But too bad for me, Wes is ready to “localize” with the people so let’s get this over with. Jillian’s in another set of tween hot pants, by the way. Jillian reminds us what a martyr she is by trying to put aside the drama of Wes’s hometown date. They go for a bike ride then stop for a little Spanish picnic and of course, some alcohol. Wes awkwardly gives a speech telling Jillian that he likes her a lot and she’s perfect, but as Jillian points out, Wes is sitting far away from her, not giving her the opportunity to climb into his lap as she likes to. When Jillian suggests Wes might possibly move to Vancouver he says that’s crazy. She asks what they would do if in the end she chooses him. How would it work. Wes’s response? “That bird has no foot.” Then he spills his beer. Good thinking, Wes! You got out of that one. Now, my question is: Did Wes actually see a deformed bird, or is this some sort of Texan metaphor that only people who are comfortable localizing with the Spanish in Mexico understand? Either way, this conversation is doomed.

At our final serious dinner Wes shows up in battered jeans and a bandana shirt. Jillian says they still have some things to talk a-boat, and Wes agrees, saying they need to “clear the table.” That’s clear the AIR, Wes. He is the worst person with metaphors I’ve ever seen. Anyway, he clears his throat about a thousand times and reminds Jillian that first he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and second he’s not just here for his career, even though his manager told him that he needed to come on the show. That’s pretty weak. He thinks that the fact that he’s still around is proof enough that he has no ulterior motives. Jillian calls him out on not showing any affection all day. She was ready for a LOT more kissing, dang it! Wes plays insecure and worries about what’s going on with the other guys. Jillian wants to know the truth! Wes says that he’s not here to hurt her, but he’s going to be true to himself because most important here is numero uno. Oh, brilliant thing to say on a dating show, Wes. Brilliant.

Next comes the Laurel Inquisition. Wes was with her for six years. Huh? When did she have time to date Brad Womack and some guy from Jen’s season? She must be busier than Jillian! As he goes on about Laurel he says, “girlfriend” instead of “ex-girlfriend” and that is where the producers draw the line and cut the audio. Okay, I guess that’s all we’re getting. Sweet – here is the Fantasy Card. Jillian is almost in tears while Wes reads the card and then he looks at Jillian and says, “I think we should, actually.” Jillian’s over it and tells him she doesn’t think so. She tells US that she thinks he’s hiding something and she feels sore-y for him if he is just here for his career.

It’s time for the roses! Jillian is dressed as a black swan.

Did you know that she is here to find the person she is going to spend the rest of her life with? Wes is already in his airplane clothes. As he stands around with the other guys who are dressed in suits, we hear him say that if he goes home, the other guys should know he’s having lots of sex. We don’t actually SEE him say this, so who knows where it really came from? She gives a huge thank you speech and then here are the roses, as if there were any question: Ed, Reid, and gentlemen, Jillian…WAIT! There is no Chris Harrison to tell us that this is the final rose tonight! I feel very lost and abandoned.

Alas, Krypton gets the final rose and Jillian offers to show Wes to his Ride of Shame. He’s more interested in saying goodbye to the other guys, but Jillian is determined to say that she needed to come to this decision on her own. Wes hugs her happily and hops into the limo to get sloshed. He brags that he is the first guy ever on The Bachelorette to make it to the top four with a girlfriend. He also takes a minute to remind us that he has a CD coming out and now he’s excited to hit the town and party in Spain. His driver circles long enough for Wes to start slurring and getting really sloppy and then finally we cut back to Jillian and her final three.

Next week it’s off to Hawaii and Jillian will have another round of Fantasy Cards with which to make moral stands. I’m not really excited since it will just be a repeat of this week except minus the Wes drama. It even looks like Ed is still catching up.

Well there we have it. Wes is finally gone and we are no closer to crowning Jillian with an engagement ring that will never lead to the h-word. What are you guys thinking?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta