Close your mouth, princess.
Okay so here we go on the agonizing home stretch of this season’s The Bachelorette. Last week we had the very uninspiring Men Tell Nothing special, where the rejects sat around on stage fighting with each other over who best represents Man Code. Uh, losers, you’re all on this show trying to chase down a big nosed Canadian drunk. Congrats, none of you deserve to call yourselves men, so just let the code go. The highlights for me were clips of Ed so drunk he could barely stand and trying to say good night to Jillian, then farting on camera during a rose ceremony. Yes, he was truly worth all the hullaballoo of leaving “for his job” and then “changing his mind,” Jillian. He’s going to throw his poo at you next. You’ve been warned.
This week of course, Jillian is going to introduce the final two to her family and I bet I can predict what happens: her family will like them both for various reasons and not have any clue which one Jillian should pick.
“Whoooooooo do I love more?”
Let’s start with Ed. Jillian starts right off reminding us that Ed really blew it in the Fantasy Suite. Still no solid details on what this means, but suffice it to say it’s pure tackiness. Ed tries to reassure Jillian that despite his disaster in the bedroom, he really likes her a whole lot. Now off to meet the Canadians. Jillian’s dad opens the door, sending her into a hysterical fit of screaming and leaping. Jillian’s cousin Tori is also present, along with her mom and grandma. Great, the more people we can gather to have no helpful advice, the better. Her family references Jason a lot – you know, “after everything with Jason we are super cautious,” etc. Ed tells his story of how the producers came up with this interesting storyline for him where he decides his career is more important than love, goes home, then decides love is more important than his career and comes back. Good boy, Ed. You did just what they told you to do. Let’s move on.
“So now I’m just looking for work!”
Jillian’s mom (sporting a fabulous muumuu) sits Ed down and fires questions at him. Do you want kids? Where will you be in 40 years? Ed gives standard answers which Peggy finds to be highly impressive (really?). Jillian tells Peggy that even though she and Ed have a long way to go, she’s very excited at the prospect of a proposal. Well that sounds wise.
Jillian’s dad Glen sits down with Ed next and Ed just gushes and gushes about how much he loves Jillian and wants to marry her. Any normal father would seriously call Ed’s sanity into question at this point after having spent only a few days with his daughter, but Glen falls in line and tells Ed to go right ahead and take Jillian’s hand in marriage. I know this is all old news and what we have come to expect from this franchise, but it is seriously so annoying to watch these people have these conversations as if they are legitimate. I guess we’re supposed to get caught up in the fairy tale fantasy, but after this many failures, I am mostly just irritated and bored. This is not a serious suitor asking a man for his daughter’s hand after much affectionate courting. This is an idiot on a TV show asking a stranger if he can propose to his stranger-daughter. And to see the dad playing right along – sure, whoever you are! Marry my daughter! I don’t care one bit about her well being! It’s just so stupid. Everyone hula dances in the yard, which convinces Ed that this is the family he wants to join. Awesome.
Krypton’s turn! Jillian tells us how crazy she is a-boat Krypton, a phrase I’m getting really sick of. They sit down and make oat for a while – their gross-out specialty. Seriously, how can someone suck THAT badly at kissing?
Look away, it’s hideous.
When they arrive at her family’s quarters Jillian squeals all over a-gane, as if she didn’t just leave these people a few hours ago. Jillian regales her family with tales of Krypton’s heroism – you know how much he loves his family and how much time he spends with his children’s charities. Krypton reminds us that after work he likes to wind down by surfing – fascinating. Peggy pulls out her question list again and Krypton gives answers as equally lame as Ed’s. Nothing new or even mildly interesting. Peggy thinks Krypton’s answers are also good – oh what is Jillian going to do? When Tori and Jillian ask the grandma what she thinks, she just says she’s overwhelmed. She thinks Ed is hot and Krypton is nice. Thanks for your input, Grams.
Glen wants to know if Krypton is in love with Jillian and Krypton says he’s “getting there” faster than he thought he would. He could see himself with Jillian. Definitely. To the camera Krypton says it’s dawning on him that he’s in love. He does not, however, ask for Glen’s permission to marry Jillian. Well good. But what’s not good is then we have to watch Krypton and Jillian kiss some more. Enough already. Jillian says that Krypton fits into her family beautifully. Clearly, Jillian after those two momentous hours.
Now it’s time for the useless family pow-wow where Jillian fishes for advice, and no one has any to give. Wouldn’t you know, each guy has different merits, and they will all support Jillian with whatever she chooses. I never would have guessed! The consensus is that Ed is very controlled and Krypton is very energetic. As to which of these is better for Jillian in the long run, no one can say. Glen tells Jillian that Ed asked permission to propose and Jillian almost leaps out of her skin. This is what she’s in this to hear! She is so caught up in getting proposed to that she can barely see straight.
“I’m getting married!!! Wait, which one asked for permission?”
Jillian wants to confess to Tori that Ed’s fantasy date “went wrong.” Still no specifics, just that it wasn’t what she expected. Tori’s brilliant advice? The physical aspect of a relationship is a “big thing.” Great, that was terribly illuminating.
The next day Ed gets his last ditch date. He tells us that he’s still concerned about his bedroom malfunction and this time he wants to seal the deal. Classy. Jillian reminds us that their fantasy date wasn’t what they had expected. Really Jillian? I had no idea. They go for a helicopter ride and look at a volcano. Who cares? It erupts and then our idiot couple goes for a little rainforest picnic. Ed tells Jillian that sometimes he has trouble expressing himself physically. Yes, that’s what we continue to hear, Ed. He tells her how wonderful she is and Jillian just swims around jubilantly in the praise. Ed promises that he would never leave Jillian again. Jillian says she’s crazy a-boat Ed. Out come Ed’s green hot pants and they go for a swim and drape all over each other.
I hope she packed the long-sleeved white t-shirt.
Ed tells us he’s worried about tonight after things “went wrong” last time. We see them making out on a bed and Ed tells Jillian once again that he wants to be with her, then we watch them writhing on the bed for a minute before cutting away to a shot of the volcano erupting again. Geez, could we get any tackier? I mean, seriously. Is there an intern somewhere with the assignment to make this just as white-trashy as humanly possible? WE GET IT. Last time they spent the night together Jillian wanted to have sex and they didn’t. She’s been fretting about it ever since because we hear about it at least once every five seconds. This time they had sex. Great. I’m so overjoyed that Ed overcame his erectile dysfunction and literally showed Jillian what he’s made of. We can all rest easier with that ugly knowledge. Thank you Jillian, Ed, and ABC for not having the class to keep ANYTHING private. Next season do we actually get to witness the act? I mean, this is what we’re coming to in order to keep this crap interesting.
Okay, Krypton’s last ditch. I don’t know how he’ll top making Jillian’s volcano erupt, but I’m sure he’ll try. Jillian picks him up in a little motorized raft thing and they immediately get to kissing. Jillian tells us that she knows she and Krypton love each other, but until she gets word of an impending proposal, she’s worried. She really needs to get over that. It’s not like it’s going to mean anything anyway. It’s pretty clear that when it comes to Krypton, all Jillian is really interested in is making out because that’s all we ever see them doing. They don’t really have conversations or even participate in activities – they just kiss… badly. Next they ride around sitting on a surf board facing each other and while Krypton tries to row them around, Jillian wraps her legs around him and sucks his face. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Krypton and Jillian’s relationship in a nutshell.
“Don’t you think I’m tons of fun, Krypton?”
Later in the hotel, Krypton plays his ace, which is to tell Jillian that he’s thinking of marrying her and he’s falling in love with her. Jillian stares up at Krypton all dreamily until he starts talking about his family and friends, at which point she looks quite bored.
“I’m thinking 2.5 to 3 carats…”
Krypton: “My family will be so excited.”
Jillian: “Wait, can we get back to the ring?”
They go into the bedroom where I suppose everything goes just fine, like last time. Nothing to see here, certainly not a volcano erupting.
Holy smokes, we are only halfway through this and I am literally stopping myself from jumping out my third story apartment window out of sheer boredom. I am SO uninterested in any of this. Does this mean that I have been recapping this show for too long? Does it mean the show has been on for too long? Does it mean that I have ADHD? I don’t know. All I know is I’m ready to cut someone. Jillian goes through a montage of her journey with each guy and we see many shots of her rubbing her crotch against them both. She sits on the beach and wonders what do to. She writes in her journal. She reads letters from each guy. I start crying from near insanity.
Krypton pays a visit to Neil Lane who is taking full advantage of product placement with his line of engagement rings.
Looks like enough carats, all told.
Remember on one of the first episodes when the guys had a scavenger hunt that involved Neil Lane? Yeah, he’s back. Ed goes to him next and picks out a FUGLY ring to present to the love of his life.
This guy needs serious help, or he needs to be relocated to the ape habitat at the nearest zoo.
We go on and on, watching everyone get dressed and yammer about what’s about to happen. Jillian gets into an almost-wedding-dress (it’s very pale pink instead of white) and each guy gets into a purple suit. They pile into their respective limos and drive over to meet their fate. This season’s Proposal Platform is at the end of a wooden walkway that goes over a very beautiful blue pool of water just feet from the ocean. Pretty! Too bad we’re ruining it with these buffoons. Jillian takes her place and frets about having to send the first guy away and then the doomed limo pulls up and out steps… Krypton. I’m too bored to be surprised. Plus I read somewhere the other day that Krypton has signed on to be the next Bachelor (heaven help us), so this is actually quite expected. Krypton gives the typical speech recapping the journey these two have gone on together and it all culminates in a lame declaration of his love. Jillian stands there looking distressed, then goes on to tell Krypton how he’s everything she’s ever dreamed of, but emotionally things have been moving slower and in the meantime she’s fallen in love with somebody else. Slut.
“Would you mind if we made oat one last time?”
Krypton says that hurts but he wants her to be happy. They thank each other for everything and then off Krypton goes in his Ride of Shame. He pulls out his ring and tosses it onto the seat next to him. Back to Neil Lane that’s going! He whines about how he thought that with Jillian the greatest of loves was possible. Oh cripes. Go change out of your purple suit and get yourself a life.
And now here’s a totally surprising and unforeseen twist that NO ONE would have ever guessed was going to happen: instead of a limo a minivan pulls up and out steps REID. Yawn. Reid didn’t show up at the Men Tell Nothing and he was in all of the previews for tonight, so there’s not a person on planet earth who didn’t know this was going to happen. Reid gives his scripted song and dance about having to pull a lot of strings to get back to Hawaii after Jillian sent him back to Philadelphia. No one’s buying it. Reid’s been in a holding tank – probably down the hall from Jillian – with strict instructions on what role he was to play in tonight’s episode. Anyway, he marches over the wooden walkway and embraces Jillian for a year while she gets all emotional and bawls on his shoulder.
“I hope you brought a fat diamond.”
He tells her that he had to come back because after he “went home” he realized that he needed to tell Jillian he loves her. And on top of that, he kneels down and pulls out a ring of his own! Wait, is it a Neil Lane ring? I guess we’ll never know. Jillian is still mad that Reid wasn’t able to promise to propose to her before she got rid of him, so now she needs to go inside to think about this and talk it over with her good buddy Chris Harrison. Don’t be fooled if you think any of this happened quickly. It was like hanging out in a torture chamber in extra slow motion. Chris asks Jillian if she’s excited for Ed to propose. Jillian says yes. Chris asks if she wants Ed to be her husband. Jillian says yes. Chris says she knows what she needs to do. So it’s back out to Reid to tell him that while yes, they do have a connection, she’s in love with Ed and she’s going through with her previous plan. Thanks, but no thanks and get lost, Reid! Aw. Reid says he has no regrets about fulfilling his contractual obligations and “shaking things up” on the finale. Goodbye Reid.
As Jillian gets ready to receive her sure-thing proposal, she tells us that Ed better not f-ing disappoint her. Once again, the height of class. And here is the ape. He lumbers across the wooden walkway telling us that he and Jillian are stronger than they’ve ever been. What? They’ve dated for like a week total, so what, they’re stronger than they were Monday? Great. Ed gives his speech and then says he can’t go further until he knows that Jillian loves him back. Jillian says there is no doubt in her mind that she is madly in love with him. Ed gets down to one knee and Jillian wiggles all around squealing. So gross. Just last night she was having sex with Krypton. But since Ed is presenting her with a hideous pear shaped diamond as he has been promising to all along, he’s the last one standing. Wearing her ring, she then wraps both legs around Ed – in her almost-wedding-dress – and tells him how much FUN they’re going to have. Oh I’m sure of it. YET ANOTHER montage while the song plays that Martina McBride sang on Jillian’s date with Jake. Really? There were no other love songs to choose from? They kiss and hug and Jillian squeals us oat.
“They’re holding our suite at the zoo!”
But before we wash our hands of this for good, we must get through After the Final Rose. I’m going to do highlights just to ensure that I will survive the night.
We start off with a non-necessary interview with Melissa from last season, who tells us she’s engaged and totally over Jason. That’s great, but we already knew. Next!
“I really took a day off of work for this?”
Krypton says that he waited to tell Jillian how he felt until he was sure of it. Yes Krypton, that’s why you lost. If you had just told her what she wanted to hear, whether you meant it or not, you could be planning your wedding.
Jillian has ridiculous hair extensions. No one’s hair grows 12 inches in three weeks – nice try.
“Are you even sadder now that I have magic hair?”
Krypton asks what he could have done differently, but Jillian says he didn’t do anything wrong. Jillian says that Krypton is a remarkable person and she hopes he’s okay. I’m sure he’s fine, Jillian. You’re not THAT important. Krypton wishes Jillian well and he’s out.
Reid comes out and says it sucked to be denied twice, but he knows what he signed. Chris asks if Reid wishes he had come out with his “feelings” sooner. Reid says that yeah he probably should have said it sooner. Chris asks if he wants to kick himself. Okay Chris.
Reid makes another show of telling us how hard it was to get the producers to let him back on the show. Still not buying it.
Chris asks if Reid still wishes he could go back and redo everything. Can we think of 10 more ways to ask the same question? Apparently yes because then Chris asks if Reid feels like a piece of his heart is missing.
Jillian comes back out and tells Reid she’s happy but ready to have a conversation with Reid about what happened. Now, what does Reid want to know?
“Tell me how devastated you are to have lost me!”
Reid asks if Jillian was really confused when he proposed. Jillian says it was heart wrenching and if anyone thinks this is fake, they’re wrong. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Does Reid have any more questions for her? He doesn’t. Anything? No, not really. This is his big chance to ask, so ask. Still no. I think he’s over it Jillian, sorry.
Jillian says she wishes she could have called Reid to see how he was dealing with the grand loss of her glorious self. Reid doesn’t say anything. Jillian cries. Reid doesn’t.
Some girl in the audience with a baby voice stands up and asks Reid if he’d like to go out with her. Jillian doesn’t like this at all.
We have to watch another Ed montage and then he comes out and sits on the couch with Jillian to tell America how happy they are.
“I’m moving to Chicago to help Ed read the want ads.”
Chris asks if the couple is planning to get married. Um, hello? Didn’t we just watch 12 hours of them getting engaged? I don’t get the disconnect on this show between proposing marriage and getting married. Is “getting engaged” just code for starting a relationship? Is it just an excuse for Neil Lane product placement? Easy on the h-word. Anyway, their answer isn’t important (and it’s that yes, they’re getting married) because we all know that a breakup is only a matter of time. Jillian says they’re just going to have fun with this. Shocking.
As to their bedroom problems, Jillian says the only problem is that now they can’t get enough in the bedroom. Okay I’m drawling the line. We’re done.
And that does it for another grating season of The Bachelorette! Did you guys make it through the final hours? How are you holding up? What do you think????
Thanks for reading!