The Bachelorette: Home Edition

The Bachelorette

By Guest Columnist | Tuesday, February 8, 2005 | 12:45 am | 14 Comments

bachelorette_logo[by Jaded Bitch]

Now that it’s down to the nitty gritty, it’s time we re-examine the candidates. First there’s Wendell, a 32-yo entrepreneur from Chicago. Jen keeps saying how good he looks on paper, but in reality, there is just no spark. Second up is Jerry, who is hot and who may be a total player player, judging from the expose that TVGasm did on him (he’s a reality tv rerun). Jen is smitten with him, but is it purely lust? Third is John Paul, the 25yo who is allegedly mature beyond his years. Readers of this column have noted his hairy upper lip and have made several requests to shave it off. Finally, there’s Ryan, the teacher from Oregon. The two kinda hit it off, but seeing as Jen’s got the personality of a brick wall, it’d be hard pressed for any of these men to make any sort of connection. But, one can always hope.This episode was all about visiting the men’s hometowns. We first dropped in on John Paul in Oklahoma where he presented her with a pair of cowboy boots to match his own! Good thing she’s not allergic to horses (paging Trista Rehn!), cause she’s in the country now! We were introduced to John Paul’s family: Susie his mom, Paul his dad, and his two younger brothers Jake Ryan and Jeffrey Connelley. We then met his dog Trevor Ashton McDonaldson the Third and his cat Mitsy.

His mother and Jen hit it off right away since they were both cheerleaders in a former life. I waited patiently for the pom-poms to make their way out of the attic and onto the front lawn, but no such luck. I then tried to figure out who exactly did John Paul inherit his hairy upper lip from, his mother or father. Failing this, I chalked it up to a mutant growth on his part. Susie exclaimed to Jen, “When you gonna get married? I wanna have babies!” Considering she already has five boys, one can only hope she meant grand-children, and not babies of her own. Or perhaps she had twenty more names picked out that she had yet to use.

The pair bid adieu to his family, while his two younger brothers impatiently eyed the X-Box in the corner while giving Jen a courtesy hug. They then went over to John Paul’s house, which is when I sprayed my screen with my soda as I screamed, “WTF! He’s 25 and he owns his own house!!” It was a pretty nice house too. Now maybe if I had a hairy upper lip…

Check out that upper lip action!

The next date was in Medford, Oregon. *insert crickets here* This was home to Ryan, who took Jen skating the moment she touched down. We then met his family, which consisted of parents Scott and Barbra, and sister Mackenzie. The ‘rents launched into a promotional speech for Thailand, describing their recent visit. Poor Jen looked so bored as she tried to comprehend a topic that did NOT revolve around her or cheerleading. She later whined to the camera that all the parents talked about was Thailand and didn’t focus enough on HER. It did get a bit much though, when they continued their vacation talk at the dinner table about Thai food and Thai traditions. But when they brought out the little Thai boy they smuggled home, I drew the line!

Later, it was a journey to the bathroom to sign the wall. Ryan’s mother apparently wallpapered the bathroom with blank paper in order to have every visitor to the house go in and autograph it. A week later Firefighter Matt showed up in Medford and asked to use said bathroom. Moments after his departure, while taking a dump, Ryan’s mother would discover that Jen’s recently autographed parchment had been ripped from the walls. Meanwhile, Firefighter Matt ran down the street grunting, “Have to…get…more…autographs…”

Okay, see this dead horse? Let me just beat on it a little bit more.

Chicago was next on Jen’s Farewell Tour, where she was to have a playdate with Wendell. He greeted her at the door of his apartment, only to pull out a bouquet of flowers from his ass! No wonder he seemed so uptight. After watching this show for what seems like eons now, I have finally figured out Wendell’s accent! It sounds a bit New York/Boston with a little bit of Brooklyn thrown in there. But alas, those are all incorrect! What Wendell has is known as The Drunk Accent! He talks like he’s slurring! And then there’s his family… The House of Wendell consisted of Judy the Drunk Mom, Wendy the Drunk Sister, Danny the Drunk Brother, Sarah the other Drunk Sister, and Jeff the Drunk Brother-In-Law.

Danny broke his wine glass right in his hands, he was so excited. In fact, the whole family was so excited and had been drinking since noon. The mother and sisters dragged Jen into the kitchen where they proceeded to bash Andrew Firestone. “I never liked him! And I watched!” claimed the mother, right before she asked Jen for an autograph. The entire family was all smiles, all night long. I haven’t seen so many pearly whites since last week’s episode of The Amazing Race! Then again, if I were drunk all the time, I’d be smiling too. When Jen left, the family slurred out their advice to young Wendell, telling him they weren’t sure about her and that they couldn’t see much of a spark between the two. Basically, what the viewers have known all along.

Finally, the last stop was in Rochester, New York, where Jen met up with Jerry at his old high school, a place he frequents every Friday night to pick up girls. He talked nervously about his family and revealed to us that his mother was deaf. Suddenly making fun of Jerry wasn’t fun anymore. Did your heart melt? I know mine did – just a smidgen.

A power outage hit town but that didn’t stop the two from meeting his brother Mike, sister-in-law Christine, sister Linda, and deaf mother Paula. The evening was relatively quiet, with Jen communicating with Jerry’s mom, seeing pictures of Jerry as a child, and your basic blackout evening at home. Watching Jerry sign = HOT. It showed he was more than just a reality TV whore, more than a Harry Winston doorman, and more than a player player. This shows us not to judge people without even knowing them.

Now, on to judging people based on what they wear. At the Rose Ceremony, fashion victim/repeat offender John Paul once again arrived in an outfit that made my television turn itself off. He was by far the worst dressed out of the four (and this doesn’t include host Chris Harrison’s vomit-inispired tie). John Paul was decked in a brown suit that resembles my toilet after too much dairy, with a non-matching checkered shirt and a hairy upper lip. At least there were no sockless loafers this time round. Somebody book him a spot on What Not To Wear!

Receiving roses this evening were: John Paul (I guess there’s something about that upper lip that tickles Jen’s fancy; either that or she really digs his ankles) and Jerry (who looked like a nervous doorman until he received a rose). It was a toss-up in the end between Wendell and Ryan. Let’s see…alcoholics or Thailand enthusiasts? Who would be the ideal in-laws?

Thailand it is!! Jen gave Ryan a rose, and then sent Wendell packing, but not before delivering that Friend speech. You know the one. Wendell sure did, acting like he’d heard it a million times over. In the end, he went home to his family where they cracked open a six-pack and slurred Jen-insults all night.

The bloopers at the end consisted of more drunken talk with Wendell and co. Personally, I would’ve preferred Ryan’s parents’ Thailand slideshow. Next week is the “intimate, overnight date” episode, and a promise of a “surprise” at the Rose Ceremony. If it’s anything as un-surprising as Fabrice taking himself out of the competition at last week’s so-called dramatic ceremony, then count me in!

14 Comments

  1. 1
    JeanO
    Posted February 8, 2005 at 8:00 am

    I truly, truly don’t know where to start!
    Maybe with Wendells sister…….Wendy ( who does that ), a drunk momma perhaps. Let me skip to Jerry and his hotness! Big deal, your mother is deaf. Some people ( Lori ) don’t even have mothers. If she had NO arms and No legs, I could see why he would be nervous or why he would have been staying away – mucho trabajo. Hairlip, damn him and his nice namey family and his very cool pad, I think I am favoring him. Ryan is attractive, but his peeps are loons. Loony loons do not make good chilcare, and who will watch the babies when Jen & Ryan go to Thailand to buy paper umbrellas made by hand from 5 people riding on 1 bike!

  2. 2
    pixies_rock_girl
    Posted February 8, 2005 at 8:31 am

    “Medford, Oregon. *insert crickets here*”
    LOL My inlaws are from Medford. Great recap!

  3. 3
    Jess
    Posted February 8, 2005 at 9:04 am

    What, no comment on Chris Harrison going to commercial before the segment with Wendell’s parents, shouting, “Next up is Chicago. Will Wendell’s family be too ***DRRRRUUUUNK*** to get to know Jen?”??

    HA!

  4. 4
    me
    Posted February 8, 2005 at 10:38 am

    what?? everyone is bashing ryans parents when they were just nervous. did you seem to not see what a big bitch she was being? me, they’re not talking about MEE!!!! they just had this incredible trip and were excited about it. I liked them. and jen, you are the most boring/self centered bachlorette EVER.

  5. 5
    carolyn
    Posted February 8, 2005 at 11:29 am

    Perhaps next week’s big surprise is that Jen has decided to cut her losses and see how she does on the LA B-list party circuit, where she might be able to find a sugardaddy with a little more personality than Andrew Firestone.

    Let’s get real here. With Ryan and Trista, you could see it–he drew her a freakin’ white tiger and wrote her some of the most hideous poetry ever composed by anyone over the age of 6, and she still picked him, and over an equally attractive and charming guy with a good bit more brains and earning potential. And it made perfect sense! They were perfect for each other: both sweet but fairly shallow, sporty, fitness obsessed types with no clear ambition other than to enjoy the reality TV ride. You knew Meredith and Ian were doomed from the start–he just was not that into her, and seemed embarrassed to be on the show. As for Meredith, it looked to me like she picked Ian because it would be easier than faking it with the genuinely smitten and sincere Matthew for the requisite six month post-Bachelor/Bachelorette grace period.

    Jen is telegenic, and she was running away the best option left after Firestone ditched the first dozen or so. But the only glimpse of personality she’s shown this time around is the appearance of boredom and discomfort. She’s got a little thing for Jerry, but deaf mother or no, this guy is not in it for Jen–and he’s a total cheeseball anyway: the kind of guy you date a few times and then drunk-dial when you’re horny, not the kind of guy you marry. As for the others, she looks like she’s going through the motions for the sake of politeness, like a nice teenage girl whose nice parents make her go to the prom with their best friends’ geeky son. Aside from feeling a little wet for Jerry after she’s had one too many flutes of champagne, Jen looks bored to tears. Maybe she’ll be the first to state the obvious and spare us all another fake marriage proposal.

  6. 6
    smithie
    Posted February 8, 2005 at 1:02 pm

    I do feel bad for Jen, if tv producers can hand pick 25 guys that are suppose to be perfect for you and you end up not good with any of them…that does not bode well for your romantic life. There is no way Jen will ever marry any of the suckers. And in the previews she actually said she is falling in love with more than one of the guys?! How is that even possible. There has been ZERO romantic potential in any of the guys but Jerry, and his own brother ratted him out about being in it for the win…Lame.I’m over it…

  7. 7
    smithie
    Posted February 8, 2005 at 1:02 pm

    I do feel bad for Jen, if tv producers can hand pick 25 guys that are suppose to be perfect for you and you end up not good with any of them…that does not bode well for your romantic life. There is no way Jen will ever marry any of the suckers. And in the previews she actually said she is falling in love with more than one of the guys?! How is that even possible. There has been ZERO romantic potential in any of the guys but Jerry, and his own brother ratted him out about being in it for the win…Lame.I’m over it…

  8. 8
    alohaguy
    Posted February 8, 2005 at 1:37 pm

    Lest we forget…Jen HERSELF picked these 25! That’s what I slap myself with when I think about how there are no ringers. Jerry’s hair is so “Something about Mary”…maybe leftover from Fabrice?

  9. 9
    Retroqueen
    Posted February 8, 2005 at 2:51 pm

    Why rake John Paul’s parents over the coals for their kidlets names when you have the unimaginative drunkard Judy naming her ugliest offspring, Wendy and Wendall???

    Everytime Wendy aka “Tirebiter” came on the screen I had to fight the urge to gouge out my eyeballs.

  10. 10
    romedog
    Posted February 11, 2005 at 12:36 pm

    Talk about drinkers……….jeano sounds plastered.
    Uh try and make just a tad bit of sense and maybe we’ll laugh at your obvious fat-ass.

    I think “me” pretty much hit on the head, Jen is so boring, hell at this point I’d even take psycho Trish as the bachelorette at least she has a personality, albeit quite twisted.

  11. 11
    Sarah V
    Posted February 12, 2005 at 3:32 pm

    I want to bang Jerry -sarah

    i did jerry last night
    …
    in my dream
    -molly
    so we both have come to the conclusion that Jerry is extremely hot. Yep…. thats about it. Good luck to Jerry you hot piece of ass!!!!

  12. 12
    Tara
    Posted February 15, 2005 at 8:24 am

    Jerry is WAY hot. I root for him everytime there is a rose ceremony b/c that means I can watch him on t.v. at least one more Monday night. Good Lord he is hot. How is he still single???

  13. 13
    Amanda
    Posted February 28, 2005 at 8:11 pm

    Yeah Jerry was awesome… I can’t believe she did what she did… If I was a bit older I’d try hooking up with Jerry but he just seems like a great person in all.. Not only is he very hot but with my mom being deaf and his mom being deaf I can only imagine what it was like growing up for him and maybe that’s why he is the way he is today.. Not that there’s anything wrong but I saw how he acted on the show, very silent

  14. 14
    Nichea Barry
    Posted March 1, 2005 at 12:33 am

    Being a CODA (children of deaf adult(s))is what Jerry is. Growing up in a family with someone that is deaf is a totally different experience and culture. You have to understand that maybe Jerry was hesitant in introducing Jen to his family because of what her reaction and what the viewers’ reactions to his Mother being deaf would be like. He is just very protective of his family and that might explain his silence or uncomfortableness when bringing up the topic of his family. I take American Sign Language here in university and you relly learn a lot about the deaf culture and community. I think that it will be important to have a girl in his life that knows ASL or is at least willing to learn it. It is a rich and diverse culture and it is commendable that Jen at least tried to learn a little before she went there. I say good luck to both of them in whatever they decide to do at this point. I think that Jerry would make an excellent soap opera star, he has that devilishly handsome looking face. Jenn would be good on a soap too I think..(maybe not the same one as Jerry tho..heehee) Good luck guys:)

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.