[by Jaded Bitch]
Now that it’s down to the nitty gritty, it’s time we re-examine the candidates. First there’s Wendell, a 32-yo entrepreneur from Chicago. Jen keeps saying how good he looks on paper, but in reality, there is just no spark. Second up is Jerry, who is hot and who may be a total player player, judging from the expose that TVGasm did on him (he’s a reality tv rerun). Jen is smitten with him, but is it purely lust? Third is John Paul, the 25yo who is allegedly mature beyond his years. Readers of this column have noted his hairy upper lip and have made several requests to shave it off. Finally, there’s Ryan, the teacher from Oregon. The two kinda hit it off, but seeing as Jen’s got the personality of a brick wall, it’d be hard pressed for any of these men to make any sort of connection. But, one can always hope.This episode was all about visiting the men’s hometowns. We first dropped in on John Paul in Oklahoma where he presented her with a pair of cowboy boots to match his own! Good thing she’s not allergic to horses (paging Trista Rehn!), cause she’s in the country now! We were introduced to John Paul’s family: Susie his mom, Paul his dad, and his two younger brothers Jake Ryan and Jeffrey Connelley. We then met his dog Trevor Ashton McDonaldson the Third and his cat Mitsy.
His mother and Jen hit it off right away since they were both cheerleaders in a former life. I waited patiently for the pom-poms to make their way out of the attic and onto the front lawn, but no such luck. I then tried to figure out who exactly did John Paul inherit his hairy upper lip from, his mother or father. Failing this, I chalked it up to a mutant growth on his part. Susie exclaimed to Jen, “When you gonna get married? I wanna have babies!” Considering she already has five boys, one can only hope she meant grand-children, and not babies of her own. Or perhaps she had twenty more names picked out that she had yet to use.
The pair bid adieu to his family, while his two younger brothers impatiently eyed the X-Box in the corner while giving Jen a courtesy hug. They then went over to John Paul’s house, which is when I sprayed my screen with my soda as I screamed, “WTF! He’s 25 and he owns his own house!!” It was a pretty nice house too. Now maybe if I had a hairy upper lip…
Check out that upper lip action!
The next date was in Medford, Oregon. *insert crickets here* This was home to Ryan, who took Jen skating the moment she touched down. We then met his family, which consisted of parents Scott and Barbra, and sister Mackenzie. The ‘rents launched into a promotional speech for Thailand, describing their recent visit. Poor Jen looked so bored as she tried to comprehend a topic that did NOT revolve around her or cheerleading. She later whined to the camera that all the parents talked about was Thailand and didn’t focus enough on HER. It did get a bit much though, when they continued their vacation talk at the dinner table about Thai food and Thai traditions. But when they brought out the little Thai boy they smuggled home, I drew the line!
Later, it was a journey to the bathroom to sign the wall. Ryan’s mother apparently wallpapered the bathroom with blank paper in order to have every visitor to the house go in and autograph it. A week later Firefighter Matt showed up in Medford and asked to use said bathroom. Moments after his departure, while taking a dump, Ryan’s mother would discover that Jen’s recently autographed parchment had been ripped from the walls. Meanwhile, Firefighter Matt ran down the street grunting, “Have to…get…more…autographs…”
Okay, see this dead horse? Let me just beat on it a little bit more.
Chicago was next on Jen’s Farewell Tour, where she was to have a playdate with Wendell. He greeted her at the door of his apartment, only to pull out a bouquet of flowers from his ass! No wonder he seemed so uptight. After watching this show for what seems like eons now, I have finally figured out Wendell’s accent! It sounds a bit New York/Boston with a little bit of Brooklyn thrown in there. But alas, those are all incorrect! What Wendell has is known as The Drunk Accent! He talks like he’s slurring! And then there’s his family… The House of Wendell consisted of Judy the Drunk Mom, Wendy the Drunk Sister, Danny the Drunk Brother, Sarah the other Drunk Sister, and Jeff the Drunk Brother-In-Law.
Danny broke his wine glass right in his hands, he was so excited. In fact, the whole family was so excited and had been drinking since noon. The mother and sisters dragged Jen into the kitchen where they proceeded to bash Andrew Firestone. “I never liked him! And I watched!” claimed the mother, right before she asked Jen for an autograph. The entire family was all smiles, all night long. I haven’t seen so many pearly whites since last week’s episode of The Amazing Race! Then again, if I were drunk all the time, I’d be smiling too. When Jen left, the family slurred out their advice to young Wendell, telling him they weren’t sure about her and that they couldn’t see much of a spark between the two. Basically, what the viewers have known all along.
Finally, the last stop was in Rochester, New York, where Jen met up with Jerry at his old high school, a place he frequents every Friday night to pick up girls. He talked nervously about his family and revealed to us that his mother was deaf. Suddenly making fun of Jerry wasn’t fun anymore. Did your heart melt? I know mine did – just a smidgen.
A power outage hit town but that didn’t stop the two from meeting his brother Mike, sister-in-law Christine, sister Linda, and deaf mother Paula. The evening was relatively quiet, with Jen communicating with Jerry’s mom, seeing pictures of Jerry as a child, and your basic blackout evening at home. Watching Jerry sign = HOT. It showed he was more than just a reality TV whore, more than a Harry Winston doorman, and more than a player player. This shows us not to judge people without even knowing them.
Now, on to judging people based on what they wear. At the Rose Ceremony, fashion victim/repeat offender John Paul once again arrived in an outfit that made my television turn itself off. He was by far the worst dressed out of the four (and this doesn’t include host Chris Harrison’s vomit-inispired tie). John Paul was decked in a brown suit that resembles my toilet after too much dairy, with a non-matching checkered shirt and a hairy upper lip. At least there were no sockless loafers this time round. Somebody book him a spot on What Not To Wear!
Receiving roses this evening were: John Paul (I guess there’s something about that upper lip that tickles Jen’s fancy; either that or she really digs his ankles) and Jerry (who looked like a nervous doorman until he received a rose). It was a toss-up in the end between Wendell and Ryan. Let’s see…alcoholics or Thailand enthusiasts? Who would be the ideal in-laws?
Thailand it is!! Jen gave Ryan a rose, and then sent Wendell packing, but not before delivering that Friend speech. You know the one. Wendell sure did, acting like he’d heard it a million times over. In the end, he went home to his family where they cracked open a six-pack and slurred Jen-insults all night.
The bloopers at the end consisted of more drunken talk with Wendell and co. Personally, I would’ve preferred Ryan’s parents’ Thailand slideshow. Next week is the “intimate, overnight date” episode, and a promise of a “surprise” at the Rose Ceremony. If it’s anything as un-surprising as Fabrice taking himself out of the competition at last week’s so-called dramatic ceremony, then count me in!