[By Jaded Bitch]
If the fact that it was Valentine’s Day wasn’t enough to make you gag, then ABC sure had something for you! Yes, it’s that time of week again when we drop in on our favourite vacuous bachelorette! This episode begins with the standard 10 minute recap of the entire season. They do this every episode, presumably because they know no one is watching and they’re trying to catch anyone who is randomly flicking by.
Remember me? I’m the host. Heh.Now that it’s winding down to the end (thank goodness), there seems to be even less of a need for Chris Harrison to bother showing up and hosting the show. We don’t even see him here at the beginning of the program! Rather, we are subjected to a saucy looking Jen riding freestyle on a jetski. Where was our gracious host to guide us along and narrate what was going on? Instead, we get Jen narrating for us. She explains that we have jumped into the final “intimate” dates with the men.
The first rendezvous is with John Paul in Bermuda. And just because you’re in Bermuda, does not mean you have to wear Bermuda shorts. Ever the fashion catastrophe, John Paul appeared in what looked to be my grandmother’s wallpaper wrapped around his legs. The two lay on the beach for about five minutes, when it started to rain. They then huddled beneath John Paul’s hairlip for cover and warmth.
Later that evening, the two walked through a circular arch plunked into the sand, as Jen’s inner tour guide took over to explain that it was a moongate – a symbol of love, luck and marriage in Bermuda. But apparently, only in Bermuda. Which does these two diddly. And it only works if you’re wearing Bermuda shorts, which would explain John Paul’s earlier choice of wardrobe.
They had dinner on the beach and their conversation sounded like they were reading lines off a teleprompter a la Anthony LaPaglia at the Grammys. Jen fished out an envelope which held a hotel keycard in it, and let John Paul decide if they should spend the night together or go to their separate rooms. Surprise surprise, he opted for the Fantasy Suite with Jen. But first Jen had another surprise in store. It was a burning skid on the beach!! Aw, how romantic. Suddenly, BOOM! BANG!! BOOM! Oh yes, here’s the “REAL” surprise – a private fireworks show for the two of them. Too bad John Paul practically pissed his pants when the first firework went off.
Number of kisses between these two: 25. Number of times I threw up just a little in my mouth: 50. (That’s two heaves for every hairy lip smooch.) The two eventually made their way from the living room to the “upstairs” of the Fantasy Suite. Hmm, what could possibly be going on “upstairs?” Judging from Jen and her men, there’s absolutely NOTHING going on upstairs.
The next date belonged to Jerry, and it featured a picnic, lots of wind, and a game of croquet. Unfortunately, Jen did not pull a Nicolette Sheridan a la Knots Landing and play strip croquet. Instead she whacked her ball back and forth and giggled like she knew what she was doing. Meanwhile, Jerry sat back and watched, having whacked his balls around all week already and who by now, was completely spent. It would’ve been way more fun had the mallets they were using been live flamingos.
Jerry then smoothtalked his way into Jen’s heart with sayings like, “You make me feel weird” and “I feel uncomfortable” and “I have a crush” and “I like you.” Genius, I tell you! This boy’s a player! He also added in some nervous laughter to clinch the deal. The dinner conversation was about as romantic as watching an episode of Inside The Actor’s Studio.
Jerry kept telling her she was awesome, and she kept asking, “Why?” Meanwhile, everyone at home asked the same question. It wasn’t long before the Fantasy Suite envelope made its appearance. Was it to be or not to be? BOO YAH, it was to be! We saw the two cuddle on the couch – fully clothed, and I mean fully (Jerry hadn’t even unbuttoned his jacket!) – and there was a bit of kissing, but alas, there was no “upstairs” to be had.
Our final destination was a lighthouse at Cape Cod. Before arriving though, we watched bachelor number three Ryan, pull out a Brush-Ups to clean his teeth. WTF was wrong with him? Did he not brush his teeth before he got there? Did he just eat some Thai food that his parents had packed for him?
Jen complained about Ryan’s family not wanting to get to know her, and how this final date with Ryan, she was going to try to get that feeling back. What feeling is that exactly, Jen? Would that be the one where the whole world revolves around you?
The pair had some wine atop the lighthouse, while Ryan asked her how she liked his “fam.” Anyone who calls their family, “the fam,” has got to go. Somebody fetch me a drink! Where’s Wendell’s fam when you need them?
We then saw Jen swimming along in the water… oh wait a second, it was just a sea lion passing by. My bad.
At dinner, Jen said she didn’t want to get engaged for the sake of getting engaged. That’s because she already did that last time, remember? Paging Mr. Firestone!
Guess what reared its ugly head once again? No, not John Paul’s sockless loafers. It was the Fantasy Suite envelope! And guess what Ryan had to say that? Why, yes Jen, I’ll go spend the night with you! Other than Fabrice, what guy would say no to this??
Just when we thought the two were doomed to friendly Wendell town, Ryan and Jen ended up in the bath tub! What’s this, a rubber duckie? Oh, sorry Jen, it’s just your plastic breast!
We cut to commercial, but not before we were PROMISED an unexpected surprise at the rose ceremony. I held my breath for about one second for this one. When we returned, we discovered that the “surprise” was that Jen had requested alone time with each of the guys before giving out the roses.
She told Ryan that he was a good communicator. He then communicated to her that he wanted to be her husband. Clear enough. She then said that he talked to her in a way that she could understand. You mean, dumbed down?
Jerry opened up a bit, which made her joyous, but at the same time made her uncertain of his motives. Was he there for her or just to win?
As for John Paul, Jen kept marveling at the fact that he was 25. She STILL hasn’t gotten over this. It’s like, OMG, you’re 25, and we like totally get along! And we both like think the same things and like, we’re on the same wavelength or something… like totally!
In the end, the thought of endless Thailand stories must have frightened her, as she decided to cut Ryan loose. Either that or his communication style was still not adequate enough for her. Perhaps he ought to have tried clubbing her over the head and then dragging her back to his cave by the hair. He licked his wounds in the limo ride home.
Next week: the Reunion episode! “Find out the TRUTH about Fabrice!” exclaims the host, with a voiceover going, “Who’s the gay one?” Hmmm, is this for real or just another ploy to get viewers to watch? Not only that, but they’re bringing in Andrew Firestone to take on all the men! Now THAT just may be worth watching. Or not.
Like posing with a cut-out.