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Monday, February 21, 2005
11:43 pm
20 Comments
[by Jaded Bitch]
Well I for one was all set for a night of good television as I snuggled in on my couch, bundled up in blankets, comfort food laid out in front. I should’ve known better.
Oh well, at least host Chris Harrison finally got some airtime after a season of popping in and out of rose ceremonies and mindless dates. It was his turn to actually act as, The Host! He went on to introduce all the ejected bachelors, who all looked like they were on a rerun of the game show Studs.
ABC managed to stretch this supposed “tell-all” into a full hour by using numerous clips from the show, a million commercials, and audience questions.One of the first issues they addressed was David The Fainter. He’s the one who liked to wear tight clothes and who eventually keeled over at the first rose ceremony, remember him? When asked about his lack of circulation to the brian, he responded by saying he had been working out that day and had been cutting carbs out of his diet. “Someone had to take the fall,”he quipped. It was funny but it made no sense. Take the fall for what, David? And also, Atkins was so last year.
Stalker Stu was then placed into the ceremonial “hot seat” to be questioned about being, well, a stalker! This took all of three minutes to address, presumably because Chris feared what might happen to him if he were to push the issue. Stu stated that he just wanted to get to know Jen better. Nowhere in his discussion did he confirm nor deny that he was a stalker. And the survey says, he’s still a stalker. If the crazed look in his eyes wasn’t enough to tip you off, just watch all those clips that the show rehashed for the purposes of wasting airtime.
Fabrice, who roomed with Stu, was asked what Stu was like. Fabrice made a joke about Stu talking about Jen non-stop until the wee hours of the morning, to which Stu replied, “Well Fabrice tried to climb into my bed at night.” Zinger!!
Ryan, who was booted last week, was next to take the stand. He revealed that he and his family were hurt by Jen’s comments regarding their love for Thailand. If you recall, Jen bitched about how Ryan’s family took no interest in her and how all they could talk about was their recent trip to Thailand. Ryan in turn basically called her shallow and classless. He said it was a two-way street and that Jen did not take any particular interest in his family either. Well, that’s because Jen is a self-centered whinebag. Moving on.
Finally it was the moment we were all waiting for. Fabrice. Warming things up was a heated exchange between Frenchy and Josh, the virgin marathon runner. (Heck, if I were a virgin, I’d be running marathons too!) Josh told Fabrice off with the old saying of “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Chris Harrison then chided, “Wow, you’re a cliche machine.” I bet he was waiting all season to say that!
Fabrice was then grilled about all the gay rumours floating around about him. “Are you gay?” Chris asked. Fabrice’s reply? “No, I am not.” WTF!!!! “These people should get a life,” he said, possibly referring to myself and anyone else reading this column. He stated that he was at a nightclub in Chicago when a photographer asked him to take his shirt off and pose for the camera, and THAT’S when all the rumours began! He forgot to mention that said nightclub was GAY.
Fabrice was then asked if he peeked at the guys in the shower, to which he replied, “I’m not going to F*^! a woman on stage to prove I’m not gay.” This was followed by a nervously laughing Fabrice and an awkwardly silent audience. Moments later, when Josh told Fabrice that he almost vomited watching him try to suck face with Jen, Fabrice responded with, “Try imagining my tongue down YOUR throat!” This was again followed by a nervously laughing Fabrice and an awkwardly silent audience, in addition to a bewildered Josh. Does Fabrice look like he came out of The Jim Henson Workshop or is it just me?
The final zinger of the night was when Chris Harrison addressed the two virgins in the room. He asked Jason, “What are you going to do when you find out that the body IS a carnival ride and you’ve been missing out?!” He then rubbed his hands together like two sticks and blew on them before exclaiming to Jason, “B-B-B-BURN!”
To make a lame show even lamer, for the first time ever, the Bachelor/Bachelorette did NOT show up for the Tell All. That’s right, Jen did NOT show up to defend herself or resolve issues with her rejected candidates. Instead, she sent a recorded video message where she read off a teleprompter, “I’m sorry to Ryan and his family. I’m sorry to Stu. I’m sorry to everyone, please forgive me, blah blah blah.” Ladies and gentlemen, it does not get any phonier than this.
The only spice of the evening came when ex-flame Andrew Firestone showed up. He was forced to face the crowd of men and set things straight. He’s not in love with Jen, the two are friends and did not break up on bad terms, he wishes nothing but the best for her. He even went so far as to single out Ryan and Ben as whom he thought were the best choices for her. It was nice to see Andrew. I thought he handled himself quite well, given the circumstances.
The remainder of the episode we were subjected to more recaps and scenes from next week. To end the show though, we were fortunate enough to have Chris (one of the bachelors, not the host) offer up his services as a talentless country singer and sing us out. His song sounded something like, “Jean, oh Jean…” He does realize her name is Jen, right? Ah yes, I remember him. He was the “herrstylist” who got drunk in Episode One. Host Chris Harrison just looked on with a mild grimace on his face. Thankfully the ditty was short and the credits came rolling up the screen.
Who do you think Jen will pick? My guess is she’s gonna go for John “I Smell Something On My Hairy Lip” Paul.
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20 Comments
Great recap.
I found myself wondering why Andrew and Jen (and public figures in general) try so hard to make it seem as though they are the BEST PEOPLE EVER. So what if it wasn’t an amicable breakup? JUST SAY SO! It’s quite alright if you are dumb. (We know you are, anyway, so why deny it?)
Well, that’s because Jen is a self-centered whinebag. Moving on.
LOL, that’s why we’ll see her on Bachelorette 4.
So the photog asked faggy Fabrice to remove his shirt? Was this the same guy who took his Big Muscle fotos? *giggle*
You rec’d a good write up by Andy over at Towleroad.
OK, first – I just read that Charlie O’Connell is the next Bachelor. Puke and barf. I mean, doesn’t it smell like desperate actor wanting air time to anyone else?
Next, Jen. Oh god, she sucks! I’m with you Jaded, I think creepy JP gets the final rose. Although I do think it is really cold hearted to make both men propose. Even if it is Jerry that gets dings, it’s still cold.
I had to sit with my hand blocking the screen during much of last night Men Tell All special. I just found it to be so uncomfortable and embarrassing that I couldn’t look but I couldn’t turn it off either.
I’m so thankful that I shall be put out of my misery next week. Ah, good riddance you cardboard cutout.
Excellent write up as per usual, Jaded. You got a replacement show in your sights?
mountain girl
MountainGirl – who’s Charlie O’Connell? You don’t mean Jerry O’Connell, do you? That’s the only desperate actor I can think of… Hmm, any replacement show? I might have to stick with the Bachelor/Bachlorette series since no one else will touch it with a 10 foot pole!
Ah, the real treat is that Charlie O’Connell is Jerry O’Connell’s less cute brother. Where Jerry had run away hits like Kangaroo Jack, Charlie had a scene and maybe some dialogue in Dude, Where’s My Car?
Now, what I want to know is what self-respecting woman would willing tie herself to a struggling, never-even-made-it-to-the-has-been-stage actor?
Do you know when the new one starts? I’m going to go through a serious case of the withdrawals if I have to wait weeks or (god forbid) months until I start getting my Jaded recaps again.
Jaded,
Charlie O’Connell is Jerry’s not-as-successful brother. (yawn) http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0640039/
Not only is Charlie O’Connell less cute and less successful than his brother Jerry, but I have it on good authority that he is a raging alcoholic jackass as well.
my god it’s worse than we thought!
This is my first time commenting but I have to say if they are going to have an actor being the bachelor–forget this “reality” show altogether. After Jen’s show, I think that it has lost all of its charm if it ever had any. Since bums like Fabrice are getting on for just tv time, I think that I would rather watch a Joe Millionare where the guys/girls are tricked and feel sorry for them along the way. Hope this rant makes some sense.
OK, is it really sad that knowing he’s a raging alcoholic and a jackass kinda makes me want to watch?
that’s not sad at all, m.g.–as far as anyone i know’s concerned, the bachelor/bachelorette franchise exists purely for the purposes of ridicule. i only tolerate the filler and the endless ‘most shocking . . . rose ceremony . . .ever!’ over and over again so as not to miss out on the public humiliation of the self-styled metrosexuals (aka tragic closet cases) and aging pageant girls who think reality tv will restore purpose to their otherwise meaningless lives.
Okay who else thought it was super lame the way they put Firestone’s head in a box while he watched his ex-fiancée make out with two guys. I loved it. Also, I forgot how much I loved Andrew. He was so cool. I laughed when Chris asked about the ring. I have a feeling Jen will be able to start her own Harry Winston’s pretty soon…
Also did anyone notice the dejected look on Wendell’s face when Jen didn’t mention him in her little schpeel?
PS Fabrice is gay gay gay gay GAY!!!! I can’t believe he had the audacity to deny it. What about the guy who dated him? Maybe they weren’t really dating, maybe he just asked Fabrice to take off his pants…What else could the guy do?
“I have a feeling Jen will be able to start her own Harry Winston’s pretty soon…”
Maybe she can get Jerry to work the door since he already has experience with that!
That is what I was thinking. Is Jerry going to go into Harry Winstons. If so, is he going to act like he knows everyone. He probably is wondering who his replacement is going to be at the door!
I wonder what Jen has to offer ? Is it the fact that she can’t hold more than a five word conversation or the fact that she doesn’t work for a living and wants to be a socialite free-loader for the rest of her life !
Did anyone else notice how abc was announcing that the rejected guys would all give their predictions for who Jen would pick? Did that happen and I just missed it? that’s the whole reason I tuned in and then, nothing.
“He even went so far as to single out Ryan and Ben as whom he thought were the best choices for her.”
Well, how about that. Those were my picks too but they were too good for her anyways.
Now, on the topic of Charlie O’Connell. It could have been worse. They could have chose another big, dumb football player like Jesse Plamer. I can’t believe the women were actually competing for him. Come to think of it, all of the bachelors they have had so far were regects. I’m not sure why anyone was fighting over any of them.
I just finished watching the “After the final Rose”. I’M SO PISSED!! JEN IS A FIRST CLASS BITCH!! What a whiny ass! She KNEW she didn’t feel a spark with either guy! She should never have drug Jerry along for the months until that show!! DID I MENTION SHE IS A BITCH? Ok, I didn’t find either J.P. or Jerry to be my pick of a husband either, but hey…she took them that far!! She should have fessed up earlier on that she wasn’t “clicking”! She should have said it on their final dates! If they actually bring her back for another show…I’m not watching. What kind of psycho dumps Andrew Firestone anyway??
Jenna! I thought rejecting both suitors was hilarious. Yeah, she’s a vapid bitch, but it made great TV. And I’m sure the producers encouraged her to do it LIVE on TV. The classy thing to do would be to tell Jerry you can’t accept the ring until you see where things are going and break up privately. Jen can only feign classiness by pretending to be insulted when asked about her and Jerry’s sexual chemistry. Hail the ice queen Jen, now go away forever please.
Jaded Bitch get on the wrap up – I’m jonesing!
Yes you are so right after Jen’s show this has lost all of it’s charm. I will not watch Bachelor/bachelorette again. Jen was so whiny and pissy. It’s like why did she keep saying her and Jerry didn’t communicate well and then pick him?? That made no sense. She’s crazy for dumping Jerry he was pretty hot and she’s NOT!!