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[by Jaded Bitch]
Well I for one was all set for a night of good television as I snuggled in on my couch, bundled up in blankets, comfort food laid out in front. I should’ve known better.
Oh well, at least host Chris Harrison finally got some airtime after a season of popping in and out of rose ceremonies and mindless dates. It was his turn to actually act as, The Host! He went on to introduce all the ejected bachelors, who all looked like they were on a rerun of the game show Studs.
ABC managed to stretch this supposed “tell-all” into a full hour by using numerous clips from the show, a million commercials, and audience questions.One of the first issues they addressed was David The Fainter. He’s the one who liked to wear tight clothes and who eventually keeled over at the first rose ceremony, remember him? When asked about his lack of circulation to the brian, he responded by saying he had been working out that day and had been cutting carbs out of his diet. “Someone had to take the fall,”he quipped. It was funny but it made no sense. Take the fall for what, David? And also, Atkins was so last year.
Stalker Stu was then placed into the ceremonial “hot seat” to be questioned about being, well, a stalker! This took all of three minutes to address, presumably because Chris feared what might happen to him if he were to push the issue. Stu stated that he just wanted to get to know Jen better. Nowhere in his discussion did he confirm nor deny that he was a stalker. And the survey says, he’s still a stalker. If the crazed look in his eyes wasn’t enough to tip you off, just watch all those clips that the show rehashed for the purposes of wasting airtime.
Fabrice, who roomed with Stu, was asked what Stu was like. Fabrice made a joke about Stu talking about Jen non-stop until the wee hours of the morning, to which Stu replied, “Well Fabrice tried to climb into my bed at night.” Zinger!!
Ryan, who was booted last week, was next to take the stand. He revealed that he and his family were hurt by Jen’s comments regarding their love for Thailand. If you recall, Jen bitched about how Ryan’s family took no interest in her and how all they could talk about was their recent trip to Thailand. Ryan in turn basically called her shallow and classless. He said it was a two-way street and that Jen did not take any particular interest in his family either. Well, that’s because Jen is a self-centered whinebag. Moving on.
Finally it was the moment we were all waiting for. Fabrice. Warming things up was a heated exchange between Frenchy and Josh, the virgin marathon runner. (Heck, if I were a virgin, I’d be running marathons too!) Josh told Fabrice off with the old saying of “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Chris Harrison then chided, “Wow, you’re a cliche machine.” I bet he was waiting all season to say that!
Fabrice was then grilled about all the gay rumours floating around about him. “Are you gay?” Chris asked. Fabrice’s reply? “No, I am not.” WTF!!!! “These people should get a life,” he said, possibly referring to myself and anyone else reading this column. He stated that he was at a nightclub in Chicago when a photographer asked him to take his shirt off and pose for the camera, and THAT’S when all the rumours began! He forgot to mention that said nightclub was GAY.
Fabrice was then asked if he peeked at the guys in the shower, to which he replied, “I’m not going to F*^! a woman on stage to prove I’m not gay.” This was followed by a nervously laughing Fabrice and an awkwardly silent audience. Moments later, when Josh told Fabrice that he almost vomited watching him try to suck face with Jen, Fabrice responded with, “Try imagining my tongue down YOUR throat!” This was again followed by a nervously laughing Fabrice and an awkwardly silent audience, in addition to a bewildered Josh. Does Fabrice look like he came out of The Jim Henson Workshop or is it just me?
The final zinger of the night was when Chris Harrison addressed the two virgins in the room. He asked Jason, “What are you going to do when you find out that the body IS a carnival ride and you’ve been missing out?!” He then rubbed his hands together like two sticks and blew on them before exclaiming to Jason, “B-B-B-BURN!”
To make a lame show even lamer, for the first time ever, the Bachelor/Bachelorette did NOT show up for the Tell All. That’s right, Jen did NOT show up to defend herself or resolve issues with her rejected candidates. Instead, she sent a recorded video message where she read off a teleprompter, “I’m sorry to Ryan and his family. I’m sorry to Stu. I’m sorry to everyone, please forgive me, blah blah blah.” Ladies and gentlemen, it does not get any phonier than this.
The only spice of the evening came when ex-flame Andrew Firestone showed up. He was forced to face the crowd of men and set things straight. He’s not in love with Jen, the two are friends and did not break up on bad terms, he wishes nothing but the best for her. He even went so far as to single out Ryan and Ben as whom he thought were the best choices for her. It was nice to see Andrew. I thought he handled himself quite well, given the circumstances.
The remainder of the episode we were subjected to more recaps and scenes from next week. To end the show though, we were fortunate enough to have Chris (one of the bachelors, not the host) offer up his services as a talentless country singer and sing us out. His song sounded something like, “Jean, oh Jean…” He does realize her name is Jen, right? Ah yes, I remember him. He was the “herrstylist” who got drunk in Episode One. Host Chris Harrison just looked on with a mild grimace on his face. Thankfully the ditty was short and the credits came rolling up the screen.
Who do you think Jen will pick? My guess is she’s gonna go for John “I Smell Something On My Hairy Lip” Paul.