The Bachelorette: A Not So Lucky Boy and a Drama Queen

[by Jaded Bitch]

Sorry for the late recap, but the show was friggin’ three hours long!! OY VA VOY!! Enough foreplay, let’s get to the action! (Or, lack thereof…)

Our final episode starts off in Jen’s hometown of Cleveland, where she first meets up with John Paul, aka Dirty Sanchez. (If that ain’t JP laying on that couch, then tie me up and call me Susie!) Anyhow, Dirty Sanchez bribes Jen with a pair of earrings at the get-go. Okay, so you’ve got money. We Get It. Meanwhile, Jen bathed in the thought of “being treated like a princess” for the rest of her life. John Paul looked sleepy and horny as they talked about what their lives would be like together if she were to pick him. Hmm, my guess is it would entail bad wardrobe, multiple named children, and lots o’ hairy lip action!Upon introduction to Jen’s parents, her mother thought JP was drop dead gorgeous. He even presented her with a tacky vase, on which Mrs. Scheft commented was better than flowers since flowers wither and die, whereas she could keep this piece of kitsch forever and ever. The family then sat around the table, with Jen’s brother playing with a napkin ring, clearly unimpressed with Dirty Sanchez. I kind of zoned out when JP started rambling about settling down and asking for Jen’s father’s blessing.

Who exactly decorated this family’s house? Did anyone else check out that wood paneling and mismatched furniture? JP’s vase later showed up in the background with a candle in it, fitting in perfectly in the Museum of Tack-o-Rama.

The next day was Jerry’s turn. During their alone time, Jen asked what he did for a living, as she clearly couldn’t wrap her head around the title “Gallery Director.” Isn’t it a bit late in the game to be asking what one does for a living? I don’t know about you, but that’s usually a first date kind of question. When they went to meet the folks, Jerry decided to bring – guess what – flowers that wither and die! The mother prompty put them into JP’s vase. Uh-oh, could this be foreshadowing at its finest?

Jerry managed to stutter his way through dinner conversation as though he was hooked up to a lie detector. In the kitchen, Jen’s mom said that Jerry was very philosophical; Jen called it being “artsy,” we call it “intelligence.” I don’t know if Jerry is an intelligent fellow, but compared to Jen, he’s a freakin’ rocket scientist!

Jerry continued to cross his legs like he’s done all season. It doesn’t exactly scream out Masculine, but to each their own. His body language spoke volumes however; he was so uptight it made me constipated just to watch! After he left, Jen sat yoga style on the kitchen counter while her family shared their thoughts. They all said they couldn’t see her long term with Jerry, but that ultimately the choice was hers. Gee, thanks for the stellar input. Now, let’s try doing down-dog under the kitchen sink.

It was then time for Abby and Michelle’s High School Reunion! And I can’t quite decide who exactly is the Mary and who is the Rhoda. The two got to sit down and talk with (re: judge) the men. JP revealed to them that he had fallen in love with Jen, while Jerry only managed to say that he liked Jen very much. Gosh, things sure aren’t boding well for Jerry. If I didn’t know any better, I would think that the obvious choice for Jen is JP – hairy lip and all! In the end, the two friends endorsed JP to Jen, but also stated that it was ultimately up to her. They then did a few cheers and exclaimed, “Have an Abby and Michelle day!”

The trio went out to do some gal pal ring and wedding dress shopping. I was at this point over on FOX rooting for the guy who sang “I Want To Know What Love Is.” Did y’all hear that he was a mute as a kid?? I nearly cried when I found out!

We were finally an hour into the cheese-fest, and still no sign of host Chris Harrison! His only presence was in the tabloid-like voiceovers before the commercial breaks. “Up next, Jen has a COMPLETE MELTDOWN!!” That must be the most fun this poor guy has on this show. That, and of course interviewing everyone in front of a live audience with extremely awkward questions.

The agonizing second hour dragged on to include a phony breakdown from Jen in the limo ride with her friends. The “tears” were already present when her friends asked, “What’s wrong?” Clearly this was staged. Who lets their friend go on crying like that before asking what was the matter? The guy in the background shouting, “Glycerine! She needs more glycerine!” also kinda gave it away.

Abby and Michelle managed to come up with even more amazing advice: “This is gonna be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. We could never do it!” Thanks for coming out, girls.

Jen continued to toss and turn between John Paul – aka the Safe Bet -and Jerry – the one she’s actually attracted to but who’s too artistic and may actually have a brain, thus making it next to impossible for her to communicate with. But judging from previous Bachelorettes, no one ever goes for the Safe Guy. See ya later, Sanchez.

It was time for one last date with the boys. Pizza was the meal of choice for Jerry and Jen, as he proceeded to pour his heart out to her, at long last. Even so, watching these two interact was like watching Adam Sandler and Chris Rock during their CatZeta vignette at the Oscars.

JP’s last date with Jen featured many a smooch and a dip in the hot tub. Everyone with me began debating open mouth vs. closed mouth kisses, and how Jen was totally faking it with JP. They were women, so I guess they oughta know when another woman was faking it. Jen then stated for the second time during the show, “I can’t believe it’s over!” Yes, and neither can we. There. Is. A. GOD.

We then cut to presumably the next morning, where we see Jen waking up in bed – fully clothed. Not only that, but immediately upon getting up, she has a cup of hot coffee in her hand. WTF! George Jetson then went sailing past in one of those air tunnels, while Rosie the Robot made the bed.

This was the morning when the men were to go buy the rings from Harry Winston’s. Jerry arrived at his former workplace where all the employees gathered round and yelled, “Welcome back, Jerry” and presented him with an Employee of the Month plaque. Noticeably absent was the doorman, as Jerry let himself into the store. Perhaps he is just THAT irreplaceable. “No one opens a door like you, Jer!” After a brief shrink session with one of the jewellers, Jerry finally picked out a ring.

John Paul, decked in awful brown shoes with a black suit, arrived later on, only to shun all the choices that were shown to him. Instead he asked for bigger stones. (Insert testicular joke here.)What he ended up buying was an excessive $50,500 ring! He so obviously is not a J.Lo fan, otherwise he’d know that love don’t cost a thing. Besides, she’s not fooled by the rocks that he’s got – she’s just Jenny from the block. Around the block, that is. Many times around. I know – this is lame. But so’s the show, so don’t hate the player, hate the game.

We then had a “Getting Ready” montage which featured a permed-out Jen flinching under a curling iron, a tank-topped Jerry brushing his teeth, and a shirtless John Paul (natch) shaving his face but going nowhere near his Dirty Sanchez, leaving it fully intact for the evening’s festivities! Jen put on her wedding dress and the consensus in the room was that it was old woman garb.

The first to arrive at THE LAST ROSE CEREMONY EVER was John Paul. This could only mean one thing. He was the one being ousted. And Jen had had enough of hairy lips and bad footwear. John Paul reiterated what he’s been saying all along: how Jen fits his perfect ideal for a wife, how she has all the qualities of what he’s been looking for. Was he hoping for a Best In Show or something? The way he talked about finding a mate sounded like some sort of memorabilia he was trying to hunt down to fit perfectly into his collection. He then told Jen that he wanted to marry her today, or even 10 years from today. His proposal sounded more like a business deal offering, AND he didn’t even get down on bended knee! LADIES!!

Jen clasped his hand and told him that something was just not there… He cut her off as she tried to explain her decision to reject him. Later, in the post-dumped limo ride, he stated, “We had everything there, and she *!@#$@ !@#$@& that !@#*$&#!” I’m not sure exactly what was bleeped out, but my guess is: “She f*cking pulled that sh*t.” He stated it was her loss, and not his and that when Jen wakes up, she’ll be 32 and looking for a husband, but it’ll be too late at that point. Bitter, much? What happened to marrying her 10 years from today? Oh just go away already. And that goes for your hairlip too.

Then the unthinkable happened. MY TIVO MACHINE STOPPED RECORDING!! Well, you know, there is only so many hours it is capable of storing, and who knew this episode would last an entire week? I did manage to rejoin the show when Jerry was down on one knee proposing to Jen. Apparently, I missed Chris Harrison showing up to host “After The Final Rose” where Jen was to give her decision live. I also missed the return of JP, who was forced to watch his rejection all over again. The audience was then forced to listen to some random guy sing a poem that Jerry had written and put to music. “A lucky boy and a beauty queen…” the lyrics went.

After Jerry proposed, instead of throwing her arms around him, Jen told him to keep the ring and to wait and propose again later down the road. DE-NIED!

The best part of the live show that followed was the lone gay guy in the audience clapping like mad. It’s been a month since Jerry proposed and now it was time for Jen to show up and tell him her decision. And her decision was…”Let’s just be friends.” WTF!!! DE-NIED again! That’s A-GAIN!

The girls in the audience hollered while Jerry tried to give an emotional speech about being ready to love. Meanwhile, host Chris Harrison drooled at the prospect of humiliating the two ex-lovebirds even further, with questions like, “Jerry, did you KNOW that Jen wasn’t as committed to the relationship as much as you were?”

Jerry took the rejection quite well; in fact, some of us wondered if he had a hidden agenda all along. Does Jerry want to be the next Bachelor?? He certainly hammed it up and tried to look cool, funny, and everything a great guy should be… Hmm…. He proposed to Wendell, and then said he was dating Andrew Firestone. “Sorry, Fabrice!” he quipped. Oh that Jerry, what a kidder! Somebody give him his own reality TV show!

The final portion involved audience questions such as, “Jen, what the hell is it going to take to satisfy you, you selfish whore?” and “Was the sex bad?” Chris Harrison even got a Thailand dig in! Jen denied, “It’s not about chemistry!” but at the same time, she insisted that there was something just not there. Isn’t that called…chemistry?

Strike One!

Strike TWO!!

Steee-rike Three!!!

Yerrrrr OUT! Is there ANYONE out there compatible with this girl?

Well it’s over. She picked neither, and the entire season was a complete waste of our time. From the beginning, this particular season of The Bachelorette disappointed from every angle possible. Alas, on March 28th, it begins again, this time with the Bachelor being Charlie O’Connell, brother to My Secret Identity and Tomcats actor Jerry O’Connell. I can’t freaking wait.