Who’s laughing now?
Tonight is the special 2 hour premiere episode of The Bachelorette. DeAnna has returned from rejection to blink us back into the arms of destiny. She’s learned a big lesson in a big way, and the biggest part of that lesson is to never come on TV to find love. Oops, no, it is to never trust a guy who has a beard. Wrong again, the lesson DeAnna really learned is that if cupid has a name, it’s ABC. She’s back!After reliving the terror of Bachelor Brad kicking DeAnna to the curb once and for all, we join DeAnna strolling through a canyon and reminiscing about the worst day of her life. She tells us that not only did Brad’s rejection break her heart, it also broke her family’s hearts, her friends hearts, and America’s heart. Yes, America has been a ragged nation since that fateful day. I’m so glad DeAnna is back to help us piece things back together and move on with our lives! We see her on the Ellen show when Ellen announced that DeAnna would be the next Bachelorette, and then we go shopping with her to choose all of the wonderful dresses she’ll get to wear while sifting through the riff raff who will line up to compete for her affections.
“Eat your heart out, Brad!”
You know, DeAnna’s only 26 and she explains to us that some people think she’s way too young to be getting married, but she doesn’t agree because she’s been through so much in her short 26 years. Ah, the battle cry of the child bride. Just kidding, I know DeAnna’s not a child, but every bride who is way too young to be getting married says that same thing. DeAnna says that she learned a lot from dating Brad and she’s not going to make the same mistakes twice. She also knows that this time will be a fairy tale ending. I have to admit, she has a much better chance this time. As BlahBlah pointed out in the comments, guys are literally incapable of choosing wisely for themselves. When women do the choosing everyone is much better off.
And now we join our beloved Chris Harrison who has been away for about a week. He tells us that when Brad jilted DeAnna, ABC received thousands of phone calls and letters from single men all over the world demanding the chance to win DeAnna and make up for all of the damage Brad did to her.
“Fair enough. What do I care?”
And speaking of those guys, a lucky 25 of them are busy getting ready to meet DeAnna for the first time. We zip over to the hotel where they are being warehoused until the Fortunate Fifteen can settle in the Mansion of Desperation. They all seem to be taking showers and doing pushups. There are many six packs to be seen and much boasting of plans to win the lady. One guy even shaves his chest. We meet Sean, a martial arts master who comes complete with footage of himself kicking blocks of wood to pieces and tells us that in his book DeAnna is a hottie. We also meet Science Teacher Richard, who claims to be a hot nerd, and I can’t exactly disagree. He believes in love at first sight and hopes to make it to DeAnna from the limo without tripping. Wise goal. Ron owns a barber shop and tells us that his experience with marriage and divorce has taught him tons about love. Luke is an oyster farmer who seems slightly insecure about his chances. He is bringing DeAnna a pearl that he got out of an oyster, which I think is quite charming. Jon is a resort manager who takes us through the grueling process of gelling his hair. I’m giving that one a thumbs down. Jeremy is a real estate attorney who rides a motorcycle. He’s okay until he says that DeAnna is his unicorn. Ryan is a professional Christian football player. He doesn’t drink, swear or have sex. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, he’s a virgin. Welcome to the sure-to-be scandal of the season. Jason is an account executive, aka salesman, who has a little boy. He doesn’t explain if he was married or what, but from the way he talks it sounds like he has full custody. Hmm, I wonder how DeAnna feels about an insta-family. The guys all trash talk Bachelor Brad for giving up such an amazing woman as they pile into the limos to head over and say hello.
Chris tells us that before the guys get to meet DeAnna, we get to have a little chat with her. She pulls up in a limo and emerges wearing a very sparkly gold dress that I have to say looks great on her sassy little Greek self.
All I can think of is baklava…
They go inside and start the questioning. Chris asks several times if she can believe she’s back here again in the same house and she’s very positive, saying she’s excited to make some good memories. Next Chris prompts her to tell us all that the show really works and the proof is that she fell in love with Brad. I don’t think there was ever any question as to whether girls will quickly “fall in love” with a guy they are forced into obsessing over – that seems right. My skepticism comes into play a month after the show ends when everyone breaks up. I do have to say, though – again, that the Bachelorettes have been more successful than the Bachelors. Perhaps DeAnna can pull this off. She says that first impressions are very important and she’s looking for someone who will give her butterflies. She’s determined to find her husband here, so let’s get to it!
Here come the highlights from the limo emersions:
- Paul is from Canada and he’s shorter than DeAnna.
- Sean, the martial arts master, has a mullet.
- Jason, the single dad, says hello in Greek.
- Jesse comes dressed as The Riddler from Batman. Or at least he’s wearing a jacket that made me go there.
“You’re joking, right?”
- When Brian emerges from his limo, he just stands there staring until DeAnna prompts him to come and talk to her.
- Donato is so nervous he practically tears away from DeAnna and bolts for the door.
- Ryan hops out and tells DeAnna he’s a virgin. Just kidding, but he does say that he’s strong in his faith. Those are always the ones who end up staggering drunk doing strip teases, so this should be interesting.
- Patrick looks like he’s 14.
- Eric also says something in Greek so Jason’s got some competition!
- Greg, the personal trainer, tells DeAnna she looks like she’s been working out (this is why I will never date a personal trainer), and she just waves him off saying, “Nah, I look this good all the time.” Good answer!
- Jeremy speaks in a foreign language that isn’t Greek. I wonder if he told her she’s a unicorn.
Once the guys have all made it out of their limos Chris tells DeAnna and us that she gets to hand out not just one, but three First Impression Roses tonight. That’s a startling twist. I wonder which writer decided to shake things up so much. It’s time for DeAnna to enter the house and I find myself wondering if the guys are going to scream their heads off like the girls do every time The Bachelor walks into the room. Apparently the guy equivalent of shrieking is a hearty chorus of “Heeeeey!” with some whistling mixed in. Interesting.
“Yaaaayy… woohoo… what now?”
DeAnna announces that she has three First Impression Roses and she’d like to give out her first one right now. And the super lucky guy is… Jeremy! He spoke in a language that wasn’t English or Greek. Actually after he said hello DeAnna didn’t want to let him walk away into the house. She held onto his arm and told him to stay outside with her. At first I just thought it was because he was the last one out of the limo, but maybe DeAnna has found her love at first sight! Immediately all the other guys are irritated with Jeremy. As DeAnna sits down to chat with a gaggle of fellas, Jason comes to steal her away. They go outside and talk about traveling and family. He doesn’t spill about his son.
Next Ryan sits down with DeAnna and she grabs a blanket since they’re outside, it’s freezing, and she’s almost naked. Ryan, who is wearing at least three layers, hogs most of the blanket and doesn’t even offer DeAnna his jacket. I don’t think he’s being intentionally rude, just typically oblivious.
“Could you hold my ice while I crack open another hand warmer?”
Spero spies an opportunity and darts outside to give DeAnna his jacket while scolding Ryan for keeping his on. That was actually a shrewd move on Spero’s part. Well done. Now Ron is up and he immediately drops the ex-wife bomb on DeAnna, which I think is nice, because he’s giving her the chance right up front to decide if she’s okay with it instead of waiting until he’s in the final three and then claiming discrimination if DeAnna doesn’t happen to want to deal with his baggage.
Robert is apparently a chef and he announces to whomever will listen that he is now going to go to the kitchen and cook up something for DeAnna to eat. Color me intrigued. With a dish towel thrown jauntily over one shoulder Robert proceeds to chop up some magic.
“Out of my kitchen, donkeys!”
The best part of this is the other guys’ reaction. They gather around the kitchen to watch Robert and they all just stand there with their mouths hanging open. It’s like they had no idea that meals start out as a bunch of separate components like vegetables. It looks like he made crab salad, which means if I were DeAnna it would be time for the Final Rose.
“So that’s called a sk… sk… skillet?”
DeAnna, however, is busy receiving the pearl necklace that oyster shucker Luke has brought for her. She is appropriately flattered and then we learn that Luke only does this when he’s not teaching history. Next Robert does his crab cocktail service and he tells us that he’s not yet a master at seduction but he’s working on his degree. Oh dear. But there is that crab… the crab wins. It seems that Donato is a bit sloshed because he starts yelling that Robert gave DeAnna crabs. It would be way funnier if this were Superbad instead of The Bachelorette. Then Robert goes, “Don’t hate, congratulate.” Oh no… what to do… the crab still wins.
Jason teaches DeAnna a couple of swing dance steps and several of the guys start whining to the camera about “certain people” hogging DeAnna and not letting everyone have their fair share. Hmm, so guys act just like girls in this situation. Chris comes in tapping his glass, but for once it’s not to crap all over the party. He’s just here to announce that DeAnna is getting a little extra help sorting through all the guys from her dear, dear friend Jenni. She dances every single day. DeAnna says that no one can possibly understand what she and Jenni went through together, so now they are BFFs. Jenni flashes her ginormous engagement ring and they giggle over how far they come, and how much better they’ve both done than Brad. Geez, Brad is taking a pounding tonight. Let’s keep it going.
“You can’t possibly understand our bond.”
Jenni has brought along a little journal in which to take notes from each miniature interview she conducts. She asks the guys if they’ve ever been married or engaged, whether they want children, and which gender of children they’d prefer (huh?). She also asks what each guy plans to do to stand out and the little 14-year-old one gets up and cuts a caper. Jenni does her familiar guffaw.
Elsewhere Richard the Science Teacher presents DeAnna with a token from his hometown, which is some kind of diamond. I couldn’t understand what kind, but he did point out about 37 times that it isn’t a real diamond. Got it, Richard. It’s kind of funny, and oh-so guy-like that he just hands her a loose diamond. It’s not on a chain or set in a pendant, no need for that. It’s just hanging out by itself in a little box. He suggests that depending on how things go, maybe he’ll trade it in for a real diamond.
As Jenni continues her interviews, Donato tries to get her to come and sit on his lap so that he can hold her. She looks up and yells, “Next!” And then we cut away! I would have liked to stay on that for a little while longer. How does Donato explain that? Also, did Jenni get confused about which reality show she’s on? Next is on MTV.
Eric tells DeAnna all about his Big Fat Greek Family and how his mother would be planning a wedding if she knew he were talking to DeAnna right now. The Riddler tells Jenni that he wore his Riddler jacket to show DeAnna that he’s different and to see if she’d take the time to get to know him. Then he sits down with DeAnna herself and tells her that he didn’t go on the internet and read all about her because he wants to genuinely get to know her. Then he says that a reporter from New Jersey wrote a blog about her that is BS. How does he know that if he didn’t go on the internet? Mere details, I suppose. Mullet Man Sean pops in and makes The Riddler hold a plastic cup upside down on his head with a lemon on top so that he can roundhouse kick the lemon off. He does it and the Riddler says he almost pooed his pants. Wow, this is really taking a classy turn.
Jenni sits DeAnna down and tells her she likes Graham, The Riddler and Jason. Jenni wishes DeAnna luck, then tells us that there are DEFINITELY some great guys here and DeAnna will DEFINTELY have a hard time choosing. Wait, for sure? DeAnna parades in front of all 25 guys and presents First Impression Rose #2 to The Riddler. She says its because he has a great personality. Now all the other guys are highly irritated with The Riddler.
Now let’s meet Greg, the personal trainer. He says emphatically to the camera that he will walk through the fire and do what it takes to get the rose. Then he tells DeAnna that he has many levels, including compassionate, poetic and a wild boy. Wow, this one’s weird. Chandler tries to catch DeAnna’s attention by doing duck calls. How flattering.
Doesn’t he know it’s wabbit season?
Brian decides to take action and forces DeAnna to rub his abs. He clearly enjoys this much more than she does and then when Chandler tries to launch into a tender speech, Brian blows the duck whistle.
“Hey, you are one lucky girl tonight!”
Canadian Paul finally puts a stop to all the nonsense and pulls DeAnna outside. Then he plunges into the pool in an attempt to get First Impression Rose #3. Before emerging from the pool he strips down to a Speedo that says “DeAnna” across the butt. Wait, these are guyswe’re talking about, right? Canadians.
Where’s the maple leaf?
Graham is not only handsome, but he’s also in the midst of launching a children’s charity. DeAnna gives First Impression Rose #3 to Richard as thanks for her fake diamond. Ah, Chris is back tapping the glass and this time it’s for real. DeAnna thanks everyone and retires to the picture room to ponder. Again Chris reminds her that this is the exact place where Brad stood, how does that make her feel? DeAnna doesn’t care. She just wants to get down to business. Me too. They go back and talk about all of the guys separately. They really are going to fill up two whole hours, aren’t they?
After DeAnna has deliberated to her heart’s content, it’s time to reveal the Fortunate Fifteen. Or at least the remaining 12. Here’s how it goes: Ron, Graham, Eric, Robert, Sean, Ryan, Chris, Paul, Fred, Twilley, Jason… Gentlemen, DeAnna, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Brian… Texas. Oh, there are two Brians, and this isn’t the one who made her rub his abs. Good call.
Well Chandler’s mad because he’s certain that it was Brian’s ab show, and not his own duck calling that ruined his chances. Personal Trainer Greg has plenty to say. He’s here for one reason only and that’s DeAnna. But he’s not going to compromise himself. He’s special. He’s a prince amongst men. Yes, he tells us this. But he shall rise from the ashes, and to prove it, he rips his t-shirt in half down his chest, pulls it off to reveal his 94 tatoos, tells us this is what DeAnna’s missing, and starts howling at the moon. Wow, DeAnna made a huge mistake letting this one go.
“Say goodbye to these!”
This season on The Bachelorette, DeAnna dresses up in lots of costumes for various themed dates, there’s another visit to the Ellen show, and the guys don’t get to live in the mansion, they are banished out back to a bunkhouse that is set up like a barracks – including an outdoor shower. Each week three guys win the chance to stay in the mansion with DeAnna. Things come to a head in what is sure to be THE MOST DRAMATIC HISSY FIT IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY as DeAnna tearily tells off a group of the guys. All you need is love!
So! What does everyone think? Is this going to work?
Thanks for reading!