The Competition is “Stiff”

[Bringing you Bachelorette 3 coverage this season will be JadedBitch]

The season premiere of The Bachelorette aired last night, bringing back Jennifer Schefft, who won the heart of previous Bachelor Andrew Firestone, and then later broke up with him. Because it worked so well the first time round, Jen chose to come back and give it another shot at finding love!

This show is so upper middle class and WASPy, I had to take a Gravol to calm my nausea. The two hour premiere featured gratuitous shots of New York City and sets designed by Pottery Barn or some other store that you just KNOW had to have the word “Urban” in its title.Bad candles and flower arrangements aside, the first hour was dedicated to a Behind The Scenes look at The Bachelorette, which takes place in New York City this time. It showcased her previous involvement with the show, namely the rise and fall of her relationship with Andrew Firestone. They showed her packing her suitcase in Chicago alongside best buds Abby and Michelle. These tender moments amongst gal pals looked so rehearsed and contrived, I half expected Chandler Bing to enter and say, “Could you girls BE more cute?”

While I fetched more Gravol, Jen kept citing previous Bachelorettes Meredith and Trista as her role models because of their successful relationships found on the show. Didn’t Trista and Meredith also have to go back for a second round in order to get it right? Maybe Jen’s on to something. That, or she’s just trying really hard to convince herself it will work, it will work!

This season, Jen is the first Bachelorette that actually had a say in which men were to be chosen as the final 25. Judging from her picks, it seems Jen has a liking for the darker haired male, as there were barely any blondes in the crowd. (Not to mention minorities or chubby people.)

During the meeting session, Jen’s friends Abby and Michelle were to act as undercover waitresses, in order to help gather information on the men. This then cut to gratuitous shots of Abby and Michelle changing and flashing their bras at the camera.

Really, The Bachelorette is nothing more than a glamorized version of Blind Date. With that in mind, bring on the men! All that’s missing are those annoying captions and animated psychologists.

The men arrived in limos, natch. There were too many to run through, but here are some highlights:

Ryan – the token black guy.

Josh, the 28 year old virgin! Jason, the 29 year old virgin!!! The difference between the two? Jason had the best piece of advice of the evening, “A body’s not a carnival ride.” No, it’s not. But then again, he wouldn’t know since he’s never even STOOD IN LINE.

Then there was Stu. *insert stalker music here* He confessed to watching all of the Andrew Firestone season of The Bachelor and taping them and rewatching them religiously while masturbating in the dark and chanting out, “Jen and Stu Forever!” Dunh dunh dunh!

Fabrice the French guy greeted Jen with a smooth, “Bonjour…” to which she replied, “Bon-JERR.” Er, yeah.

The final one of note was a guy named A.W. which stands for what, per say? Another Wanker? Awesome Whistler? Arm Wrestler? Who knows, who cares.

Jen walked into the orgy room only to announce to the camera how weird it was to have 25 eyes on her at one time. Seeing as there were 25 men in the room, they must have been all cyclopses or she fudged up and actually meant 50 eyes. One of the men noted that the competition was very “stiff.” I then had to apologize for snickering so loudly.

During the mingling session, Eric, a really tall magazine editor from New Yawk, started hitting on one of the waitresses. This isn’t good especially when said waitress is the Bachelorette’s best friend. DOH!

Chris, a drunk Southerner or a Southern drunk, told Jen, “I love your herr!” Apparently, he is a herrstylist. Y’all know what I’m sayin’?

Here’s a note to ABC: for the next Bachelorette, please please please, for the love of television, bring back TRISH to be the Bachelorette. Trish is the trampy, in your face, proudly slutty cougar who went after (and then STALKED) Jesse Palmer in the previous Bachelor. Now SHE would be excellent! I can only fantasize about the types of questions she’d be asking all the men. “How would you talk dirty to me? What’s your favourite sexual position? Have you ever dominated anyone? Would you want to be dominated? Group orgy everybody!”

When Jen and Stalker Stu had some alone time, he went on and on about how he watched her on the Bachelor and proceeded to talk about her in the third person form – to her face! “I’m not here to win Jen, but if she feels the same way about me as I do about her… And if she doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do about her, then I’ll make sure she’ll PAY! And all her relatives too, dammit!”

Jen was then whisked down the stairs by the hotness that is Jerry, who resembles Josh Duhamel from Las Vegas. Tad Hamilton! It’s Tad Hamilton!

Somewhere in the mix is a ski instructor from Aspen named Ben. I just want Jen to go on a group date with Ben and hottie Jerry, and they could go have ice cream at, oh I don’t know, Ben & Jerry’s? *giggling insanely*

Michael the tall English teacher gave Jen a teddy bear and proclaimed that his dad was her dad’s big brother! WTF? Doesn’t that mean you two are cousins? Get outta here! He also claimed the room was full of haters and naters. Not to mention the izzo in the hizzo and the ixnay on the oseray.

We finally join up with best friends Abby and Michelle for an impromptu gossip section, which had the spontaneity of a librarian shelving books. The two discussed the men and which ones they wanted for themselves, who was packing the biggest unit, and of course, the creepiness that is Stu. They fretted that Stu might be onto them. Of course he’s onto them! He’s a stalker! He probably recognized them from Jen’s high school year book that he stole and studied for months on end!

It was then time to start the Rose Ceremony. Personally I prefer the Pearl Necklace ceremony or the Candlewick Lighting ceremony done on the Joe Schmo Show, but that’s just me.

The first rose, aptly named the First Impression rose, was doled out by Abby and Michelle, who by this time were exposed to everyone as being Jen’s friends. They decided to give the first rose to some random guy named Keith. WHO? Jen did not even talk to him all night, but that didn’t stop her two friends from singling him out as a Must See. (They obviously were not interested in him and decidedly picked his name out of a hat.) Meanwhile, Stu slowly started plotting the demise of Abby and Michelle. “How dare they not give me the first rose? HOW DARE THEY! I know where you live, bitches!”

It was then time for Jen to hand out the roses. The first name she called out was Ryan. “Ryan from California, will you accept this rose?” she clarified, meaning, “The White Ryan, not the Black one.” Also making the list was A.W., whom she said, “A.W., W.Y.A.T.R.?” Others that received a bud were Matt from New York, Wendell, Black Ryan (whew! gotta wait till at LEAST the third episode to cut the minority!), and Mark. So far, Jen had picked a bunch of nobodies that she barely spoke to all night. Are we sure she knew what she was doing? Did she think the people getting a rose had to leave?? She HAS played this game before, right?

Then out of nowhere, the music changed dramatically, and a nobody named David collapsed to the ground!! WTF! I sat up from my ever-approaching slumber. Apparently he was tres nervous! He was cute, but prone to fainting.

But enough drama, it’s time for more roses!! Receiving one was Ben, the ski instructor who looks like the oldest 26 year old I’ve ever seen. Hotness Jerry also got one, so that ice cream date just may be an episode away. The two virgins Jason and Josh each made the list, as did Fabrice the Frenchy, Michael the Incestual Teacher/Rapper, another nobody named Jean-Paul, and finally, Stalker Stu!

Those that were ousted include David the Fainter (oh but he would’ve been so fun!), Chris the Drunk Herrstylist, and Eric the player, who left for the nearest bar to pick up more chicks.

We are now all settled in for a good season of The Bachelorette. Some promising scenes to look forward to include a hot and sweaty shirtless basketball match between the men, a surprise announcement from Fabrice (whom everyone hates, it appears and who is only looking for sex), a Stalker Stu episode (yay, we love stalkers!), a tribute to Lost In Yonkers involving taxi cab chases and the NYPD, and finally a Mariah Carey-like breakdown from Jen herself. Can’t wait!! Bring on the Gravol!