Pimps Up, Ho’s Down

An interesting lesson was learned on this week’s episode of The Casino: If you go to the Golden Nugget, they’ll be sure you don’t become a hooker. In an amusing, if not staged, episode, a Vegas neophyte descended on the Golden Nugget to find fame and fortune but wound up getting a big ole dose of whoredom instead. And while our Pretty Woman fell on hard times, a plucky croupier butted heads with his boss and a few high rollers took advantage of Tim and Tom’s hospitality. Just another weekend in downtown Vegas…This week’s featured guest was Jenn Nelson, a blonde Portland emigre who apparently found a cameraman on the side of the road. How else to explain the footage of her trek to Vegas unless Mark Burnett actually scouted her out? Nah. He would never stage anything like that. Right?

Nevertheless, our flaxen hero hit Sin City with optimistic glee that we knew would crumble into a beautiful hopelessness. A former hairdresser, Jenn has come to Vegas to… well, I’m not sure. She never really stated any clear career ambitions beyond finding a gig as a cocktail waitress. Her first mission was to take care of some clunky networking by chatting it up with a waitress, a pimp, and Tom. Wait, did I say pimp? Oh yeah, let me introduce you to Ernie, a “personal party planner”. Pimp is the wrong word, he says. Riiiight.

Salivating at the sight of Jenn and her newbee blood, he went for the kill, tantalizing her with dreams of great fortunes. A few of his girls have retired at age 25, he said. I guess that will happen when you get bussed off to the slammer. Some neural synapses told Jenn this wasn’t the best career opportunity – right now – so she politely turned her attention towards Human Resources, which provided zilch for her. Now, if I were Jenn, I probably would have sought out similar positions at other casinos (The Flamingo is in dire need of non-AARP waitresses), but our lost soul set her eyes on casino lounge Zax – aka home of tempestuous singer Matt Dusk. There she just happened to find casino co-owner Tom chillin’ with his homeboys and had the cajones to ask for a job. He offered her a position in the “thanks but no thanks” department and deflected her onto resident artiste, Matt Dusk.

Our bobblehead crooner was not happy to have a new duet partner, and he complained, as usual, but eventually sacked up and sang one song with Jenn. Matt’s British manager, Wolfie, could hardly contain his passive-aggression when he told Jenn, just before curtain, that she better not fuck up, otherwise she’s done. Yes, he literally said that. And of course, the rattled hairdresser proved him wrong by, well, she actually proved him right. She croaked out a ninth grade variety show rendition of “The Way You Look Tonight” that left the denizens of Zax a little nonplussed.

With dreams of lounge glory dashed, an old friend resurfaced: Ernie. This time his promises of instant wealth appealed to Jenn, who was ultimately won over by the idea of being arm candy. She sidled up next to a rotund cowboy who quickly invited her up to his room. Jenn squirmed, stuck her heels in the ground, and ultimately walked away. Meanwhile, Tim regulated by calling security on Ernie, who I swear had a pair of horns sprouting from his bald cranium. At the end of the day, the Golden Nugget saved the day, and for just a few hours, no lost souls were lured into prostitution.

Elsewhere in the casino, Tim and Tom shat themselves while some high rollers luxuriated in a comped suite and munched on free gourmet food — but sort of didn’t do any gambling except for a few coins in the slot machines. I feel like that would be me. Tim was understandably peeved, especially after giving them the best suite in the house – complete with stunning view of, uh, a parking lot and dirt. But of course, that Breitling magic kicked in and he lured the moochers down to the floor to play a little high roller blackjack. There was laughing all around and of course the self-serving testimonials to the hotel’s greatness.

Meanwhile, affable dealer Tommy realized he wanted more out of life. His boss, Monique, is a “harridan” – as evidenced by her annoyed response to Tommy’s blatant lack of professionalism. Yeah, don’t you hate it when bosses get mad if you refuse to listen to them or when you condescendingly mock them? Tommy, who looks like a snowman in a croupier’s uniform, decided he wanted to be in guest relations like his dad – who incidentally was not about to pull any strings for his son. Once again – by sheer coincidence – Tim happened to be walking by, so Tommy asked to have a meeting to discuss career opportunities. Sure, said Tim with a politician’s smile. Cut to meeting time and Tim’s nowhere to be found. Tommy, who looked like he’d been left at the altar, cursed amusingly and headed back to his lowly post on the floor. Man, can’t anyone get a job in this place?