Be Still My Heart

I am sure everybody hates being reminded about this every week I write about Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno II, but I really, really, can’t stand the Bad Asses. I honestly think that they are bad human beings. True, there was a time when I rooted for Beth, but only because the rest of her team hated her and she was hell bent on sabotage. She let me down, but I could muster up enough feelings to feel sorry for Dan and the lot that he had been cast. Then Dan was eliminated, which left me with exactly nobody to root for. This latest episode brings us the last competition and elimination before the season finale next week. You could make the argument that I should root for Tonya because she was also hated by her team, and especially the three evil lesbians – Rachel, Veronica, and Tina. The level to which they despise Tonya is pretty high. Not content to make fun of her during the challenges for her poor performance, they decided that they had to mock her away from the competitions as well. Their latest complaint? They were upset because they thought Tonya masturbated too much and it was keeping them from sleeping.

I don’t think they were upset about the masturbating as much as they were upset that Tonya might be imagining a man is touching her, and not the sapphic caresses of another woman. But think about that for a minute: if you were a lesbian and the only single woman around was Tina, wouldn’t you look to alternatives? Shit, if you were a guy and Tina was the only single woman around you would look for alternatives, unless you’re a pasty white whale, and then you can count on Darrell having a boner for you.

Anyway, Tonya denied it all, and Veronica said she would videotape her sleeping if that’s what it took. Tonya called that an invasion of her privacy, and there was a little bit of a shouting match before she decided to just leave the room altogether and try alternative sleeping arrangements. But no, it was still not good enough for team TVR, which stands for Tina, Veronica and Rachel, or Totally Vacuous Rugmunchers, whichever is easiest. They followed her into the other bedroom and continued to harass her. What was particularly annoying was when Rachel said that it only looked like they were ganging up on Tonya, and that she brought it upon herself. In the following chapter of her tome “Groups That Bring Punishment Upon Themselves,” Rachel discusses slaves, gays, and the Jews. Seriously though, Tonya is annoying, and she knows how to pick a fight, but for Rachel to try and pass their behavior off as anything besides the childish, pre-school antics that they really are only makes them seem like idiots. Or bigger idiots, in this case. And what’s the big deal with her diddling herself? She was probably thinking it was better than catching an STD or five from one of her castmates.

Watch out for those hairy palms Tonya…

I thought this week’s challenge was very unique. It was entitled “Heart Rate Bungee” and it involved your heart rate and a, uh, bungee. Teams would go in pairs of their choice, and be suspended 125 ft. in the air. When both of their heart rates fell below 100, they would be dropped from the platform. The team with the quickest average time to drop would win, and the player with the lowest recorded heart rate on their team would win the life shield. Because both teams had odd numbers of players, one person would have to go twice, and only the heart rate from their first attempt would count in the life shield standings.

Since there was going to be an Inferno without any separate reward competition, the teams were forced into choosing the inferno participants before the competition. The Good Guys basically left it up to the two girls who were left, and Shavonda and Jamie both wanted to go up against Tonya. Both of them felt much more confident competing against her.

The Bad Asses had to have huge drama, of course. TVR wants to send Shavonda in because they know Jamie is a better competitor. The guys, however, are starting to think strategy. Now that they are all assured of a place in the final competition, they are starting to think “maybe it would be easier if we took out their best girl,” which is Jamie, and “if we lose a person, that just means we split the prize with fewer people.” This upset the girls, because they knew the guys had nothing to lose, but could be the deciding factor, especially since it looked like Tonya might be the swing vote. Of course, this led to a big argument, which was bound to rage on before Abe called a truce and said he would support the girls’ decision with Shavonda, but not because they actually cared about their teammates. No, they were just worried the girls would give up in the final challenge if they weren’t kept happy, because, you know, the girls would spite the guys that way and lose out on a chance at 35 or 40 thousand dollars.

The truce worked, and the Bad Asses nominated Shavonda, who promptly nominated Tonya, who promptly noticed that her team didn’t look at all bothered that the other team tried to take her out. As for Shavonda, she said that it would be OK with her if she went to the Inferno. She was the team’s weakest player, and she didn’t want Jamie to go if it would mean her team would lose next week. God, this whole “team” thing works sometimes. Look what you can do if you work together.

As the teams started the competition, we saw that there would be an extra bonus. Two members from the opposing team were allowed to ride up with them and heckle the people who were performing the competition. The Bad Asses though that this would be great, and so they used all of their yelling and trash talking to get a rise out of the other team. The Good Guys were much more docile. Darrell, in one of his rare moments of insight and lucidity realized that all of that yelling actually gave you something to focus on, and that concentration could help you lower your heart rate. They used that strategy, but things stayed neck and neck.

Until there was Tonya.

When Tonya and CT went up, Jamie and Shavonda decided to join them. I know, I know, not exactly an intimidating pair, but they were screeching, and complaining, and bitching about Tonya. It made her feel just like she did with TVR, and it broke her concentration. She wasn’t able to get her heart rate down, and the two of them spent the maximum fifteen minutes on the platform, which was good enough for a DQ and an extra ten minutes on their time. With that DQ, it wasn’t even close, and Good Guys smoked the Bad Asses, finally taking over the money lead $80,000 to $70,000.

Landon and CT won life shields, which put Tonya and Shavonda in the Inferno, which was called “Spinner”[not spiner - sorry I miss some things after 14 hours at work]. In it, both girls would be strapped to two metal disks mounted vertically (up and down – think clock on a wall), which would – you guessed it! – spin around in order to break them from their concentration/induce projectile vomiting. It looked like it would be a very long challenge, and early on it seemed as if Tonya was screwed. Shavonda was really trash talking and it seemed to bother Tonya.

With all of that hubris, it was time to learn a little humility, and that is what happened to Shavonda. She complained that her harness was slipping, and that something was digging into her back. Eventually, she couldn’t take any more and quit. The Bad Asses were, well, you can’t really say “thrilled” to see Tonya back, and you can say that TVR was really pissed off. Tonya knew her teammates weren’t gunning for her, but decided to just go with it, because it was the only way she would have a chance at the grand prize. The Good Guys were sorry to see Shavonda go, but they realized she was the weakest player (hell, she realized it earlier) and so the departure didn’t seem all that traumatizing for her.

So, we have one week left to see what will happen. Will some karma boomerang come back and hit the Bad Asses? Will the Good Guys be able to continue their current hot streak and win it all? Will somebody hit CT’s head with a sledgehammer and put us all out of our misery? I can hardly wait to find out.