“But Kenny’s So Damn Stupid”

It’s Challenge time Gasmii! Who will win? Who will lose? No one cares. More importantly: Who will fight? Who will hook up? How many STD’s can one person carry? Let’s find out!

Turns out just being a pro bike rider isn’t enough to support a weed habit, so TJ’s still here, oozing charisma as always. The Alumni line up, and even after all that money Katelynn spent turning that penis into a vagina, they still make her stand with the guys. Also, Danny has to stand with the girls because let’s face it, he’s a woman on the inside.

Teej welcomes everyone to British Columbia, because when you’ve just hosted the Olympics, there’s no better way to stay classy than to host a Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Are there even any Road Rulers left? Anyway, the Alumni seem pretty excited about the Fresh Meat because let’s face it, they’ve all fucked each other six ways to Sunday by now. Paula Walnuts (who, as I mentioned in “About Last Night,” is my favorite “batshit crazy but still sane enough to occasionally be funny on purpose” former Real Worlder) tells us that she’s wanted to do this challenge since they’re all just getting “older and uglier.”

Upon the reveal of the Fresh Meat, Kenny tells us it’s the sleaziest group of people he’s ever seen. So I guess Evan’s never taken him on a date to a Hall of Mirrors. He wants to know if these are the people replacing the “king of kings.” Oh Kenny, no one can replace you. You’ll be doing this shit even longer than Mark Long (AKA Father Time).

Jenn tells us that after hooking up with Rachel, her experimenting with girls period is over. Rachel seems to have that effect on a lot of female Challengers. Also, I’m pretty sure this means she intends to devour the Fresh Meat.

Wes tells us that he and Kelly Ann “decided to stop dating.”

He also says he’s going to pretend to make friends and alliances while only looking after himself. Teej tells us the Fresh Meat’s abilities have been tested and their stats will help the Alumni choose. Apparently the best guy is Noor and the best girl is Cara Maria. FM Theresa tells us that these people are so much more beautiful in person, which… is that really saying much? She tells us Kenny is very attractive and “he knows it.”

Speaking of, WTF? Where’s Evan? They’re even IN his home country! How much did MTV have to pay to surgically remove them from each other? Who’s gonna be Kenny’s big spoon now? Who will make douchy comments in a Canadian accent? Who will tear women down until they break, then suddenly pretend to care? Kenny’s gonna have to shower ALOOOOONE!

Teej gives out draft numbers and notebooks, which feature Vital Information for your Everyday Life- I mean, on the Fresh Meat competitors. Darrell reminds us of the last Challenge, in which he and Brad fought and Brad literally almost lost an eye. He tells us it’s embarrassing because he doesn’t come to fight, he comes to win money. Wes is worried because Darrell won the first Fresh Meat and now has the first draft pick. He chooses Cara Maria. She loves him.

Jenn has the next pick, and she choose Noor, which excites him. Kenny’s next, and goes with Laurel since she’s “the most comparable to another guy.” Someone’s missing Evan already. Danny chooses Sandy because she jumps off cliffs for fun, and she tells us she wouldn’t have minded any of the guys “except for Danny.” HA! She seen him the previous challenges and thinks he’s an asshole.

Wes chooses Mandi, despite thinking that she’s potentially going to be another Casey situation. Ryan is happy to be on the other side of a Fresh Meat challenge, and chooses… well, they don’t tell me her name. CJ (who is from RW Cancun, which I didn’t watch, so he’s essentially Fresh Meat to me) picks Sidney and tells us this situation is fresh for him too. Poor Landon is stuck with Carley, the last girl left. He’s proven himself in many a challenge, though, so we’ll see how it works out. Carley tells us she’s not good in a lot of athletic sports, but she can “kick ass in a lot of other things.” Something tells me the “other things” she’s good at will not win her many challenges.

Walnuts picks next, and unlike the rest of the alumni (who ask about athletic abilities), she asks Jeff if he has a girlfriend. We don’t see his answer, but she picks him so I guess it was a no? It will be interesting to see how this works out for Walnuts since she’s missing Evan, Bananas, and Dunbar, all three of the guys she uses as crutches until the end when they backstab her.

Sarah asks Vinny (who clearly got lost on the way to Jersey Shore auditions and accidently wound up here) what happened with the puzzle. Apparently he’s dumb because he’s going to teach phys ed, or vice versa. I guess that’s kind of a “chicken or the egg” thing. Sarah decides she’s smart enough for both of them and picks him, saying she hopes he takes direction well. Hehe. This might be an unpopular opinion, but so far I like Sarah. She had a respectable showing on the last Challenge.

Jillian (I had to scrape the bottom of my memory to figure out who she was, but MTV helped by showing clips of her and Frank) chooses Pete because they both play lacrosse.

Katelynn has gotten engaged, probably to a pregnant man, picks Brandon and tells us she’s tired of hearing about Wes and Kenny running every challenge. Pretty sure Wes got pwned last time, and Kenny’s too dumb to run the night shift at Walmart, but I digress. And now there is one lonely guy named Luke left on the Fresh Meat stage, and it’s a pretty pathetic sight. He thinks he’s going home.

BUT! Teej tells us that one of the Alumni girls couldn’t get into Canada, so they’re flying in a replacement who will be there shortly. I was hoping for something scandalous, but according to a comment from SmokinCat, Johanna just lost her passport. Oh well, we already know from the previews that Wes and Kenny are going to get into a pissing match regardless of her presence.

Teej gives us the rules, that as always sound infinitely more complicated than they actually are. The teams will compete in a challenge, and the winning team will choose one team to go into Exile. After that, all of the teams except for the one already chosen for Exile will vote and decide on another team to go into Exile. The two teams will compete in Exile and the loser, unfortunately, comes back to the good ole US of A instead of actually being exiled. I mean, let’s face it, that would really up the stakes of the game.

Sandy tells us she wants to win the prize money for a boob job. Oh, she’ll fit right in. Too bad Kelly Ann isn’t here, they’d get along great. Anyway, four teams compete in the finals. First place gets $100K each, second place $30K each, their $20K each, and fourth goes home broke.

They go to the house, which is a log cabin in the woods.

Cara Maria tells us that she and Darrell are sleeping on separate floors of the house so they can both hear what’s going on. Darrell knows what he’s doing. Paula tells us that it’s the best challenge house ever and they shouldn’t be allowed to live there. It’s ok Paula, MTV has very little desire to give people things they actually deserve.

Everyone gets acquainted with their teammates. Sarah and her pahhhtnah seem to be getting along and are both very competitive. Speculation begins on what girl will show up as Luke’s teammate. He says he wouldn’t mind if Coral came out of retirement. Bitch, please do not even try to get my hopes up.

Ahhh, memories. I think I actually used to like Evan? Anyway, the replacement shows up and it is….

… Ev. Come on, we all knew it wouldn’t be Coral. I guess she’s more interesting than Johanna though, so I’ll take it. Jenn tells us Ev looks stacked and the FM girls are shitting their pants already. Holy shit! Ev was partnered with Danny in the first FM? Didn’t Wes and CASEY send them home?! I can’t believe Ev didn’t bust Casey’s head open and snack on her brain on the spot.

Ev, as always, is under the delusion that she has some semblance of control over her fate in the Challenge. Walnuts doesn’t understand why everyone is so excited to see Ev when she’s such a tough competitor. Well, she did lose to Casey, of all people. Plus, if you piss her off enough, she’ll lose on purpose out of spite.

And it’s time for the first night’s drunken antics. Ryan tells us this batch of Fresh Meat is wilder than the first one. I’ll reserve judgement on that for the time being. But for now, they’re all completely wasted. Case in point, Walnuts’ partner, who may actually be dead:

Apparently Kenny’s partner Laurel is a crazy drunk. He doesn’t care as long as when it’s time to compete she “puts her game face on.”

Katelynn tells Sarah that Wes and Kenny will be running the challenge. Sarah’s fine with that, which angers the Katelynn because Sarah’s supposed to be her BFF, but she’s a douchebag when Kenny’s around. I suppose douchebaggery is as contagious as anything amongst this group.

Strategy talk. Normally this bores me but apparently they’re sending Darrell in, which upsets me because I heart Darrell. He says he likes to let everyone else create enemies while he sits back and flies under the radar. It’s worked for him so far, because I believe he’s one of the most successful competitors on these Challenges, if not the most successful.

Kenny doesn’t trust Wes, but Evan’s not there to tell him what to do so he decides not to start any fights just yet and see how things go. Wes tells us it’s hard to convince Kenny to do anything because he’s dumb and doesn’t trust Wes. Well, he is dumb, but it’s probably wise for him not to trust Wes. They want to vote Darrell in because they think they’ll lose to him if he gets to the finals.

Time for the first challenge, which is called “Dirty Mouth.” The guys and girls will take turns wandering around a mudpit blindfolded, while water rains down on them and their partners call out instructions from the sidelines. They have to retrieve a ball and make it out of the pit safely without dropping the ball or having it stolen by another player. There will be fewer balls each round until one team wins. Jenn is very excited.

Wes tells us he’s the strongest guy here, no doubt. Kenny tells us he’s afraid of getting molested while he’s blindfolded by a guy who isn’t Evan.

The guys wander around the mud pit blindfolded while the girls scream from the sidelines. CJ tells us that his partner has a distinct voice compared to “the average white girl.” LOL racism.

The girls make dirty sounding comments about touching balls. TWSS, of course. Katelynn tells us she’s a martial artist and has been trained to blind fight.

Now Landon tells us we’re down to 5 dudes and 3 balls. He’s like the most innocent Real Worlder ever, I love it. He never realizes how these things come across. In the end, Kenny’s partner Laurel wrestles the ball away from Landon’s partner and wins it for them. Don’t worry, though. Kenny still takes all of the credit.

Katelynn tells us she wants Kenny gone. She tells us she’s on the wrong side of the line she drew in the sand. No shit, Sherlock.

Danny tells us about politics, like he can understand them or something. Holy shit, did we just get through a challenge all about balls without hearing him say “balls to the wall” ONCE?! I wish there was a challenge that involved nailing his balls to the wall. Anyway, Danny tells us a lot of the allegedly powerful people don’t have their friends with them. Landon is worried because he hasn’t heard anything, but Kenny tells him he’s fine.

Darrell is no fool, and already knows he’s going in, but he stays cool because he’s just that awesome, duh. Wes gives out instructions and Kenny is impressed by how much of a scumbag he is, which makes Wes proud.

Teej comes in and asks Kenny/Laurel who they’re choosing as the first team to send into Exile. They choose Darrell and Cara Maria, big shocker. Apparently Darrell neglected to tell his partner they were getting voted in, because she’s completely shell-shocked. She promptly starts crying while Darrell tries to calm her down.

Darrell knows exactly what’s up and that Wes was behind the whole thing, trying to get Darrell to be mad at Kenny. I could listen to him say “But Kenny’s so damn stupid” all day long.

Back in the deliberation, the other teams unanimously vote Jillian and Pete in and suddenly Kenny realizes how much control Wes has.

Jillian tells her partner that if they win, there’s a good chance they’ll continue to get sent in. They’re both a little worried because Darrell’s so awesome, but his partner is freaking the fuck out so they’re hoping she won’t be able to handle it. Some of the girls try to comfort Pocahontas, but all she can do is mope around like they won’t let her sit at their lunch table or something. I’m really starting to worry because I do not want to see Darrell go home in the first freaking episode.

Pocahontas tries to go to bed, but obviously all of the teams who aren’t up for elimination are busy getting smashed and being loud. She takes this personally as well and yells at them and asks for respect. Has this girl never seen a damn Challenge before? Everyone tries to be nice for a split second before Wes hops up on the table and starts screaming about how many times Darrell sent him into Exile on the last Challenge. He concludes eloquently with “Payback’s a bitch, BITCH!” Ahhh, Fresh Meat caught in the middle of Alumni drama. This is what it’s all about.

Theresa tells Ryan that she wants to fuck Kenny.

She can’t decide if she’s rather fuck Wes or Kenny, because she’s attracted to Kenny but Wes is “safer.” Kenny tries to put her to bed and even offers to get Wes for her, but she tells him she prefers him. Kenny tells us she’s attractive, but “Mr. Beautiful came to win. Not to fraternize with slutty girls.” Make excuses all you want, Kenny, but we all know it’s because you’re as impotent sexually as you are mentally without Evan around. Ernie misses his Bert. Tweedledumb misses his Tweedledouche.

The next morning, Darrell is trying to sweet talk Pocahontas into maybe thinking about actually putting up a fight, while she continues to mope. He is being ridiculously sweet to her, and I’m sure he’s partially trying to compensate for losing his temper on the last Challenge, but I still can’t help loving him. However, the disproportionate amount of screen time they are getting has me seriously worried. Jillian and Pete are hoping she’s enough of a mess for them to win.

They get to the Exile, where Teej tells them they’ll have to carry heavy backpacks (40 lb for the girls, 60 lb for the guys) along a trail, stopping to do puzzles along the way. If they can’t complete a puzzle within 15 minutes, they move along anyway. LOL, MTV has so much faith in them.

They head out, and Pete starts to lose his temper when Jillian questions whether or not they’re going the right way. She tells us she’s nurturing and can calm him down. Both teams can’t finish the first puzzle. Darrell and Pocahontas get to the second puzzle first, but Jillian and Pete finish it first. I am officially worried.

Jillian’s backpack is weighing her down, but Pete yells at her to motivate her. Not like Wes yelled at Casey, just normal, non-offensive things like “Jill, come on!” It seems to be working. They continue to pull further into the lead while Pocahontas is falling apart, much to poor Darrell’s dismay. I guess there are no stats in their books about how much of an emotional wreck each piece of Fresh Meat is. Jillian looks tired, but she holds up pretty well and she and Pete win by a fair enough margin.

Poor Darrell just keeps wandering toward the finish line muttering the word “Lost” over and over again. I know, Darrell. Sometimes on Tuesdays I just wander around muttering “4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42″ over and over again. Oh wait, he means they lost the Exile, and the poor thing is not used to losing Challenges. I think we can all safely blame Pocahontas for this. You suck, Pocahontas! You took Darrell away from us in the very first episode! Jill and Pete, on the other hand, you have my begrudging respect. For now.

Turns out Darrell is even a good loser, as he tells the team that just beat him that now they need to win. He advises them to befriend Kenny and try to knock out Ev and Wes. Jill tells us Darrell wants Wes’ head on a platter.

Pocahontas says she didn’t really get the Challenge experience because she wasn’t there long enough. Bitch, you could not handle the real Challenge experience. Darrell says he did not expect to be the first one gone, but he’ll be back and he won’t say anything bad about his partner. That’s ok D, I’ll do that for you.

Back at the house, the rest of the teams line up on the upstairs balcony and wait to see who comes back. Needless to say, they cheer like crazy when Pete and Jillian emerge, with Jillian basking in the glory and telling them all that they’re welcome. Okay Jillian, I’m starting to like you a little without Frank around.

Kenny says Wes is the only one who’s going to give him a problem, but he’s going to let the other teams kill each other off before he starts making “serious moves.” Kenny’s ego is the funniest. Wes says he’s never felt this confident, even though there might be a million people plotting behind his back. He’s not worried because he doesn’t think anyone in the house is smart enough, which disturbs me because it might be true.

Coming up this season: Not since the Montagues and the Capulets has there been such a rivalry as that between Wes and Kenny. Apparently the whole house chooses sides, and there is potential that they will fight over this Theresa slut since Johanna’s not there. Also, other stuff happens, including people competing in challenges and yelling at each other. I don’t know about you guys, but I, for one, can’t wait!

I thought this was a decent episode. Nothing could compare to last season’s premiere, with CT trying to murder Adam while everyone was wearing footie pajamas, but I think we’re off to a solid enough start. Hopefully the entire season won’t only be about the Wes/Kenny beef, but we’ll see. Anyone else going to miss Darrell as much as me? Right now I’m squarely on Team Landon as far as the guy Alumni go. For the girls, I’m liking Sarah and Jillian so far. Who are you guys rooting for? Any Fresh Meat that stand out yet?