Well, here we are, Gasmii, at the final challenge. Oh wait, never mind! Hope you’re cool with a nice little cocktease, or wanted to wait another week to find out who wins, because you’re going to whether you like it or not. But that’s okay, because we still have plenty of things to discuss in this episode.
First I want to apologize for the late recap. Also, I wanted to respond to all of your comments from the last recap, but this past week has completely gotten away from me. I read all of the comments though and they were awesome as always!
Previously: Everyone freaked the fuck out over the news that they would be traveling to Argentina. Once they arrived, Roy Lee promptly destroyed the competition and, in turn, the alliance’s master plan. Gloriously (for us), the Jungle will now include the following rematch:
It would be awesome if CT channeled his inner Brad and screamed out “Now it’s a backpack!” in reference to Brad’s “Now it’s a necklace!”
CT was amused by how deeply he terrifies the mob, and Bananas decided he needed to destroy Adam from the inside out in order to hurt his Jungle performance. This, hilariously, led to a fight between Bananas and CT over who is the bigger bully. Answer: they should both go bang their heads against the wall for a little while.
We begin this episode right where the last one left off: mid-fight. We’re meant to believe that there is a possibility of CT punching Bananas, but that is just a cruel tease. As Liz so astutely pointed out in last week’s comments section, it is clear from the clothes they are wearing that this fight occurred the same night as Wes pouring soda on CM, only earlier. It makes a lot more sense since I knew that was too many nights between the vote and the Jungle. I know that logistically they need to edit things out of sequence at times, but this was just a cheap attempt at a cliffhanger.
So anyway, we rejoin their screaming match, and I have to watch it twice because the first time I get distracted:
Holy Effing Hotness, Kenny.
It is a damn good thing he doesn’t read this, because I would hate myself for contributing to the massively overblown ego of Mr. Beautiful, but sometimes I just can’t help it. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, Bananas is reminding us that CT has beaten the shit out of Adam on multiple occasions. He adds that CT has gone out of his way to humiliate Adam and is completely delusional.
Yes, Bananas, you are the pillar of morality. Thank you for always taking up the mantle of the weaker man… in the rare circumstance that it is beneficial to you.
CT says every time he raises his voice, the villagers gather up their pitchforks and try to chase him away like he’s Frankenstein. My goodness, that was almost a literary refrence! It was at least an old film one. Anyway, Adam tells him not to hit anyone and CT promises he won’t. Then CT promises that he has Adam’s back and he wants to cross the finish line together. CT tries to reminisce about when they first met in Paris, but Adam has different memories of being pushed around, getting dumped on, and having his face split open. They really do have quite the history. Adam says he doesn’t want to be naive enough to think that their strong team chemistry means anything in the long run, but they have to work together to win.
The morning of the Jungle, Laurel brings CT a fruit plate and they discuss the niceness of her doing that for him. Mark your calendars, Gasmii, this must be the first time someone has called Laurel “nice.” CT says he feels good about today and makes jokes about domesticity. Laurel says she obviously want CT to come back from the elimination round so she can hang out with him more. She does know the final is next, right? And then they all go home?
Jenn and Adam discuss his morning meal of fruit, and she tells him he needs carbs. He decides to go eat eggs, even though those are protein. Also, I guess fruit is enough for CT? Adam tells us he has to win this elimination round because he “needs” more time with Jenn.
Didn’t anyone tell them this is the last elimination, and after the final they all return to the real world? They do know that it’s possible to contact each other in the outside world, right?
Jenn, on the other hand, is a cold hard bitch and says she wants Johnny and Tyler to come back since they’re part of her alliance. She does know they can’t help her anymore, right? Oh well, say what you will about Jenn, but she certainly doesn’t let “feelings” (if she actually has any) get in the way of the game.
In the ultimate sign of female bonding, Laurel calls Cara Maria in to help her make CT’s shirt look “cute” for the elimination round. She says it’s a big “statement” to wear his shirt and babbles incoherently about not expecting to meet someone on the challenge. To quote Phoebe Buffay, she is “SO the smitten kitten!”
Bananas notices this and calls her “such a loser,” much to the amusement of Tyler and Laurel’s supposed friend Kenny. This must be totally different from that time Bananas and company wore shirts to support Jonna and Jasmine. Although he should really be blaming his BFF’s Kenny and Evan for starting it. Bananas then says that the only thing worse than being the first person eliminated is being the last person eliminated, since you can smell the finish line. He says there’s nothing worse…
… as he packs up his suitcase. Or should we say his “custom made Johnny Bananas” suitcase?
Tyler is confident because he’s trained hard and he thinks he’s a better athlete than the other guys. They arrive at the elimination round and are welcomed by TJ. Laurel and Cara Maria are wearing blue in support of CT and Adam, and everyone else is wearing black except for MikeRoy, who awesomely can’t be bothered with that shit. Teej calls the participating guys up, and they’re so scared that they walk in slow motion. This episode is SUPER dramatic, y’all.
They will be playing T-Bone. It’s basically a giant X dug into the ground, and the teams have to run balls from one side to the other. The potential for drama comes in the middle of the X, where collisions are very possible. Each team member has to run 5 balls across the playing field, and they each have a designated color and can’t touch their teammates’ balls. I love it when you talk dirty, Teej. Oh, and in case you were wondering if CT is ready to go:
“I smell a new fall line of Johnny Backpacks with matching Tyler duffel bags!”
Ev is permitted to crawl out of whatever hole she’s been hiding in for most of the last few episodes to tell us how dramatic this will surely be. Johnny understates that he and Johnny have some “unfinished business” with CT, and says that if they beat him it will be “epic.” Well, your last round against CT certainly didn’t last long enough to be considered “epic,” dude. Adam tells CT not to think too much, and CT assures that he is “gone.”
Adam claims that this is about speed, not strategy, and he’s faster than Johnny and Tyler. CT is literally jumping up and down at the thought of finally getting to put his hands on someone. Now that he mentions it, this has been a fairly hands off season.
This is so dramatic that TJ even blows the starting horn in slow motion, but then the guys are off and running. Adam and Tyler both fuck up the “don’t touch your teammate’s balls” rule, so we get to hear TJ woodenly tell them that they are screwing up. The only thing CT can do to fix Adam’s screw up is to flatten/destroy the other team, so he managed to knock them both the fuck down with one quick hit. Tyler claims he’s never been hit that hard in his life.
CT is the first to complete his part, followed closely by Johnny. Since Adam and Tyler were slowed down by their mess ups, they are now racing for the finish. It is legitimately REALLY CLOSE, as they both reach the middle at the same time and then have to struggle up the hill with their final ball. (I’m assuming there was some sort of rule that they each had to stay in their own part of the X so they could only come into contact with the other team in the middle.) Tyler is falling up the hill, while Adam is being dragged up by his clothes by CT. As we go into commercial, it looks neck-and-neck until Tyler seems to have a slight edge.
… And sure enough, we return from commercial to see Tyler win. Ev, Paula, and Jenn all freak out and pile on top of Tyler while screaming with happiness (et tu, Ev?). Sad music plays while CT and Adam sit there looking defeated. And then this happens:
I’d have to consult Charlie Sheen for the final verdict, but I’m relatively certain we can classify this as #losing.
Way to harsh Johnny’s buzz, Wes. CT rips his helmet off and is clearly pissed, but doesn’t say anything to Adam yet. Although I suppose silent CT is probably the scariest CT. Tyler is bleeding from the mouth and looks not unlike a zombie. Johnny and Tyler are, of course, elated and Johnny claims that words cannot describe the feeling. They then promptly use the words “euphoria, karma, and retribution.” Okay, euphoria I get, but the other two? When will Bananas quit acting like the world owes him something?
Johnny calls his backpack impersonation his lowest point in Challenge history. He claims that pulling off “the biggest upset in Challenge history” with Tyler proves how great they are together. Hyperbole much? They’re hugging and complimenting each other and possibly almost as in love as Kenny and Evan. It’s touching.
Far be it from me to rain on your Euphoria Day Parade, but you do realize that you technically only beat ADAM, right? Ya dumb bitch.
Laurel is sad because she doesn’t want to say goodbye to CT this way. Again, she does realize that they are technically real people who still exist when the Challenge ends, does she not?
CT (nicely) tells Adam to say something, and Adam sadly says he dragged CT down and cost him the game. CT half-heartedly refutes this, but Adam tells us he can’t even look CT in the face right now. (I read somewhere that Wes was yelling at Adam that he DQ’d for touching the ball, which caused Adam’s hesitation and might have cost him the game. If that’s true, I so wish CT would haul off and hit Wes. I really don’t condone violence, but Wes is SO asking for it.)
Adam says if he were CT he would want to kill him right now. Luckily, CT appears to be past that point in his life and simply tells us that he’s proud of Adam for giving it his all. He’s clearly not happy (and knows Adam cost them the game), but he has definitely improved his ability to keep his cool, I’ll give him that. Laurel tells us she doesn’t know how to handle the situation, but she would want to be left alone after losing so she’s giving CT his space. Johnny tells Adam he played a “hell of a game.”
And kisses the back of his neck, for some reason. Maybe Johnny really is a mob boss, which I suppose makes Adam a good fella.
TJ congratulates the “underdogs” on their win, causing Johnny to take mock offense. Tyler tells us how they’ve become brothers over the years, and now they’re convinced they can win the final challenge. Jenn, via confessional, says nice things about Adam but then claims they are “friends,” and she’ll see him soon. Jenn’s never had a romance that’s lasted too long after a season ended, has she?
CT tells us that even though he’s going home before the final challenge, he’s had a blast (cue montage of challenges), “maybe made a new friend,” (another brief montage of him asking Adam if they’re friends), and he’s “the luckiest kid in the world.” He does seem like he’s come a long way. He hasn’t done anything this season worse than yelling at people who were provoking him in the first place, except for ganging up on Cara Maria that one time. And let’s face it, does anyone feel bad for Wes or Johnny for getting yelled at when they were starting shit in the first place? I sure don’t.
Adam tells us that he didn’t know how CT felt coming into this season, but now he knows that CT regrets what happened at the Duel II. He forgives CT and hopes CT forgives him.
My guess is that he thinks this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Teej congratulates everyone on the end of eliminations (which somehow surprises Paula, because she is shocked by EVERYTHING) and making it to the final. They celebrate and hug, with Kenny hilariously telling Paula “you got what you wanted.” Way to be happy for your alleged friend, dude.
The most important conclusion to draw from this picture is that Wes is clearly a closeted MikeRoy supporter.
Back at the house, Laurel sulks because CT is gone. DUDE. You can see him in like four days if you are that desperate. Cara Maria comforts her and says that she knows how nice it is to have a male support system since she did CutThroat with Abe. Dammit, CM, every time I decide I like you, you have to go and be all dependent. CM suggest that Laurel put CT’s jersey on a pillow, as she has done with one of Abram’s shirts. As weird as even CM knows it is, at least these two seem like actual friends now. Laurel says CM is like an annoying little sister, but at least they are there for each other.
Kenny has the honor of reading the final clue, but I’m still sad that they stopped throwing random objects at the clue reader. Oh hey, guess what? The final challenge is in Patagonia, which means another location change, so obviously everyone starts screaming/freaking out. Walnuts is baffled, since in her billions of years of Challenging, never have there been TWO location changes! Good lord, imagine if she were on Road Rules? Her brain might have exploded. I kind of miss Road Rules, although I didn’t watch the apparently-low-rated Viewer’s Revenge, so I suppose I’m part of the problem.
Ev decides to be a breath of fresh air, as per usual, and prove that she actually knows what Patagonia is. She tells us there are mountains and lakes and it’s an “outdoorsman’s paradise.” As they cheer this mind-boggling turn of events, someone (Kenny I think?) asks if that’s a country or a region. It’s a good thing he’s pretty.
When we come back from commercial, we get to hear the news again, for some reason, but this time I notice that Roy Lee had his arm on the sofa behind MikeMike. Could those two possibly be any more adorable?
Oh look, guys, Mandi has a lot of baggage. Shocking.
Upon arrival in Patagonia, everyone admires the lovely scenery. They arrive at their equally lovely house and are picking out bedrooms, which somehow leads to Wes whining about Cara Maria. How more people are not whining about Wes, I will never understand. He calls her one of the “dumbest, most space-cadety people” he’s ever met, which is certainly saying something from someone who is partnered with Kenny and sleeping with Mandi. He’s not sorry for pouring the cola on her head and calls it “the best thing that could have been done for her.” Yes, nothing breeds intelligence like a cola shower.
Hey, have you guys heard that this is Paula’s eighth challenge, and she’s never won? She claims it’s “not about the pride, it’s about the win.” Good thing, Walnuts, because pride is so far in the rearview mirror it’s crazy. Jenn says she’s staring her final in the face… literally, since she assumes she’ll have to climb one of the mountains they’re looking at. MikeMike tells Leroy they need to stay strong and not let the veterans get inside their heads. No one expected them to make the finals, and no one will see it coming when they win, says MikeMike as he flexes for us.
Oh, MikeMike, we heart you. Please don’t die during this final.
Roy Lee jokes about tortoises winning the race, and says he might just start off walking. The two of them jokingly walk around, because they are still sane human beings who remember that real life still exists beyond the Challenges. I love that between Roy Lee’s outstanding people skills and MikeMike’s intellectual advantage, they were able to play the best game rookies possibly could.
Tyler spouts more of his sunshine merriment to Ev about how wonderful he and his partner are. Is anyone else sick of hearing how much Johnny and Tyler love each other? I mean, good for them, I guess, but whatever.
They go on to say that MikeRoy haven’t been tested “at all” (plus they are the only ones who don’t think the Challenge is the most important thing in the universe) and Wes and Kenny are the only ones left who aren’t a team and are just two people wearing the same jersey. That is so true, I’ve seen the other douches interacting more with Wes than Kenny has. Tyler then says it’s not about the money, it’s about the journey, and he wants to win. He zigs, he zags, he’s back to zig!
Mandi says that when she and Jenn got into their fight on Fresh Meat II, she felt “this big,” (AKA really tiny). Well, hopefully by now everyone has realized that Jenn is all bark and no bite. We get a flashback, with NOOR! Also, Jenn totally pushed Mandi in that clip and Cara Maria in the bonus clip online a few weeks ago, and didn’t get sent home. She must be blowing production, too. Mandi says she and Jenn are technically “Rivals,” but they’re friends now. Until you point out something that Jenn is clearly doing, at which point she will flip her shit.
Wow, Wes’ penis is just as small as one would expect!
Cara Maria says that whenever the other challengers do the littlest thing, she immediately puts up a wall and write them off, especially Wes. Laurel is astounded that she would let someone have that much power over her, although I’m not sure how “writing Wes off” gives him any power over her.
Laurel says that both CM and Wes think the other did something wrong and CM should apologize just to smooth things over. CM is baffled by this suggestion and says she can’t be nice to an asshole. Whatever CM “did” to Wes, I sure as hell haven’t seen it. On the other hand, Wes is absolutely an asshole, so I’m with CM here. Mandi tells CM that’s the mentality of an eleven year old, and CM hilariously and awesomely replies, “I have the mentality of an eleven year old? Look who you’re fucking.” Laurel says she’s worried about CM and wants her to be fresh and free of hatred for the final. In terms of the final, Laurel just needs to be content with the fact that she and CM are getting along with each other, since that’s all that matters.
Mandi and Wes chillax on lawn chairs and discuss the 8th wonder of the world that is Wes. Wes claims he’s the reason Kenny is in the final (sadly, this is true) and says now he actually needs Kenny to perform. Then he “jokes” (to the extent that Wes is capable of making a joke, that is) that he’s afraid CM is up on the balcony with a bottle of soda, and Mandi says she’s talked about it. Wes immediately gets serious and ponders whether she wants to start a war, because he would totally up the ante.
“I will totally… put dirt in her hair. That’s worse, right?”
A bunch of people are gathered in the living room, where Jenn says she doesn’t “think CM is a perfect little angel, but-” and then Wes cuts her off, so we never get to hear the end of that sentence. Has Jenn forgiven CM for the transgression of pointing out a simple, obvious fact? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Wes claims that he’s not the only one who called her fake and immature, and the conversation is apparently loud enough for CM to hear from the other room. She claims Wes hasn’t said more than three sentences to her the entire time they’ve been there, so she doesn’t know why he’s judging her when he doesn’t know her. CM asks Wes if he knows how stupid he sounds right now.
The answer to your question is no. Despite the fact that he almost ALWAYS sounds like an idiotic moron, Wes has NEVER been aware of this fact.
CM calls him condescending and Wes asks if she wants to have a constructive conversation or if she wants him to make her cry. CM awesomely gives him a Look and then just DARES him to make her cry. He starts out by saying that everyone in the house says “extremely harsh” things behind her back, but she tells him to just speak for himself. He says he thinks she’s extremely immature (Wes is so often the blackest pot accusing the kettle of the same), and that she’s “not deep enough for him.” Wow, Mandi must be just the picture of maturity and depth since Wes thinks so highly of her.
CM gets even more awesome as she mocks Wes’ accusation of immaturity via confessional. Wes continues to grasp at straws by saying she’s always talking about her horse and Abe, and CM tells us he looks like the biggest idiot in the house right now.
CM, that’s completely unfair. Wes almost always looks like the biggest idiot wherever he is.
CM tells Wes that he doesn’t know her, so his opinions mean nothing to her. To be fair, they probably don’t mean much to people who do know him either. She brings up the cola incident and he tries to interrupt, but she yells at him to listen to her which causes Kenny to go hilariously wide-eyed. She says she doesn’t get how he can be cruel and make judgements about someone he doesn’t know, and he poured an entire 2 liter bottle of cola on her head, and he’s calling her immature? Wes: “… yes.” CM thanks him for the conversation and says she’s at peace with this and will happily ignore him, and leaves the room.
…. *slow clap*
Beautifully done, CM. I knew you had a spine in there somewhere! I mean sure, calling Wes out for hypocrisy isn’t difficult, but it was still well done. Laurel is extremely proud of her as well, and CM says she would gladly pay a million dollars to never hear Wes speak again. She’ll need to win a few dozen Challenges to afford that, but I’m sure many people would chip in some money to never hear Wes speak again. Now CM wants to win the final to throw it in everyone’s faces.
We get some vomiting noises, and then learn from Paula that it’s the morning of the final. She feels fantastic, but she’s been listening to Tyler and Jenn throwing up all night. The medic checks them out and gives them some pills. Jenn claims that she didn’t “work this hard” to sit on the bench.
Someone needs to tell Jenn that she can take her version of “hard work” to a street corner or a gentlemen’s club to make plenty of money, and she’s guaranteed to get paid! She doesn’t even need to win a race!
Johnny looks on, looking exhausted, as the medic tells Tyler he’s not medically sound to compete. Tyler says he’s earned his spot in the final and this is a “worst-case scenario.” He decides to compete anyway, saying it’s “one of the stupidest things” he’s ever done, but he’s got to do it for his BFFL Bananas.
Mandi tells Jenn she can stop and puke as much as she wants, and Jenn says the puke will come whether she wants it to or not. Mandi tells us she’s trying to keep Jenn’s spirits up, but she’s not looking too good and she had better be able to compete today. Oh please, Jenn and Mandi were going to come in 3rd place anyway, the only thing this will do is put them in a more distance 3rd. (Hopefully I don’t end up eating my words, but does anyone think they WON’T come in 3rd?) Tyler being sick throws more of a wrench into things, since he and Johnny are a really strong team.
Wes and Kenny stretch out while Kenny tries to give some commentary. He tells us he’s worried about Wes since Wes crapped out on Fresh Meat II and got yelled at by Mandi. Wes tells us the only thing they agree on is first place, so this is the time to put their differences aside. They really do have one of the more legitimate “rivalries” of all of the teams.
Just in case you wanted to see some of the pretty scenery for yourself, but don’t get free trips to places all over the world for being an asshole.
Final time! Everyone gathers as TJ reminds them that the first place team for each gender will win $100,000, the second place team for each gender will win $50,000, and the third place team for each gender will win nothing.
Shockingly, Teej says the final is “no joke.” When is it ever a joke? They will start out being dragged underwater by a boat for 200 yards, or as much of that as they can hold their breath for. Then they swim to a kayak and paddle for three miles. Bananas says that if this is how the challenge starts, “it’s only going to get more sadistic and evil.”
Evil, you say? Takes one to know one, ya dumb bitch.
After that, it will be a footrace with different check points and puzzles. Teej guarantees that this is the hardest race he’s ever seen. He says the girls will be starting first. As they’re getting ready, Jenn says this is the most absurd thing she’s ever done in her life since she can barely stand up without puking.
Paula says she and Ev are confident, and Ev says they want to get a lead from the get-go, which starts with the kayaks. I must say, I’m really looking forward to this. Ev and Laurel are both insanely tough and competitive, and Paula and CM are at least decent. I think it’s going to be a good race between them. Laurel is worried about CM, but at least knows she won’t quit.
And they’re off! CM is the first to run out of breath and let go, followed by Jenn/Mandi and Ev/Paula, leaving Laurel as the last woman standing. They all reach their kayaks and start paddling.
Gee, who saw this coming? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Jenn and Mandi are hopelessly paddling in circles, much to the delight of the guys. Bananas tells them they’re not going to get anywhere going in circles, and Kenny wisecracks to us that they might start a whirlpool. Paula and Ev start out with a lead but Laurel and Cara Maria manage to close the gap… while Mandi and Jenn finally appear to be moving in the correct direction. Mandi says she has no idea what’s happening, but she does know they look like absolute idiots. Because they normally look like Rhodes scholars?
Anyway, they finally get moving in the right direction, and TJ says it’s time for the guys to start. Tyler claims he wouldn’t be competing if it were just him, but his inexplicable love for Johnny Bananas means he has to. Wes says at the end of this he might call Kenny his friend, and Kenny agrees. Leroy says he thinks they deserve to be there, and if they win it will shut everybody up. MikeMike smiles and nods in agreement. Can you guess who I’m rooting for? If not, you’re clearly new here, so welcome. Sadly, nothing will shut those fools up, but MikeRoy winning would certainly make many viewers happy.
Ladies and Gentlegasmii, may I present to you: Team Awesome! They’re certainly my Dream Team.
And they’re off! Leroy is the first guy to run out of breath and let go, followed by MikeMike, Kenny, Wes, and Tyler. Tyler tells us something snaps and his adrenaline is kicking in. MikeRoy have some trouble figuring out the kayak, although thankfully not as much as Jenn and Mandi.
Paula and Ev have reached the end of the kayak portion, but Laurel and Cara Maria are very close behind. They’re both changing their clothes at the same time. Jenn and Mandi arrive some time after, and Jenn looks like walking Jello already.
MikeMike is delighted that they have finally figured out the kayak and thinks they can make up some time. Tyler says it’s going to be a dogfight all the way to the end. Kenny and Wes are now spinning in circles, and Wes doesn’t know what the problems is.
But we do! Thanks, Bunim-Murray! I love it when Kenny and Wes just dissolve into a comedy of errors.
Jenn is still feeling really sick and doesn’t know if she can pull it together to finish the race. Mandi says if this is just the beginning of the race, she doesn’t think she even wants to know what comes next. Spoken like a true challenger in her first final.
Next week: The finale, for real this time! Crying, screaming, hunger, Wes sucking at life! Yay!
Ugh, that elimination round was so difficult to watch! According to twitter, Adam feels really bad about losing that for CT, so perhaps they’ve made some progress. And how great was that smackdown Cara Maria gave to Wes?! Finally, she stuck up for herself instead of crying, I have so much more respect for her now. Do you think Jenn and Tyler will be able to finish the final? I think Jenn and Mandi were always going to lose, but Tyler being sick could make things interesting. I would have picked Johnny/Tyler for the win, since they’ll probably be better at puzzles than Kenny/Wes and are more experienced than MikeRoy, but now I’m not so sure.
Obviously I’m rooting for MikeRoy, but as much as I hate to say it I do doubt their chances. I must say I find myself also rooting for Laurel and Cara Maria, although Ev is awesome enough to offset when Paula is stupid. Plus, there is a possibility that we can FINALLY stop listening to Paula tell us how many times she’s lost these things. Who do you guys think will win, and who are you rooting for?