Previously: Flirtation between Paula and MikeMike, as well as CT and Laurel. The latter pairing sent a jilted Mandi flying into Wes’ bed to prove to the world that she is totally not a slut, y’all. Is this the same girl who freaked out last week about being caught topless in the pool? That’s SO MUCH worse than (probably) having sex with two guys in the same house. Laurel and Cara Maria got their first win, as did Wes and Kenny (his mojo is now freshly restored, so we can all return to sleeping at night). Oh, and the Douche Day plan failed spectacularly, sending the enlarged Evan home earlier than expected.
Walnuts asks Tyler and Mandi (who is currently straddling her, by the way) if she should bang MikeMike. Mandi’s contribution is the words “so precious,” which Paula repeats with great emphasis: ”So PRECIOUS!” Ladies, I wholeheartedly agree. Please, for the love of all that is holy (to you two I presume that includes booze, being around assholes, and the ability to afford plastic surgery without ever holding down a steady job), PLEASE treat our dear MikeMike with the respect that he deserves.
Wes must be terrible in the sack if Mandi’s already throwing herself at Walnuts. Although, let’s be honest, no one though Wes was any good in the sack, right?
Walnuts tells us that he is sweet, innocent, and a safe bet. She also tells Tyler and Mandi that she needs more romance. Tyler sets up some pillows out on a balcony while Bananas tells us that Mike is trying to get into bed with “that old lady Paula,” who is from THE VERY SAME SEASON as Old Man Bananas. Apparently everyone wants to do what they can to make this happen.
MikeNuts (Paula Walnuts is the easiest Challenger ever to make couple names for) are cuddling on the pillow pile (there are candles too!) as Paula tries to say it’s romantic and MikeMike can only giggle uncontrollably, both in the moment and in his confessional. It’s as adorable and endearing as everything else he does.
Is that a wine stain on your shirt or are you just happy to see her?
And THEN, MikeMike totally makes his move! He gets on top of her and they start making out while various other challenger peek over from afar. Walnuts, like Mike, can only giggle in her confessional at the silliness of the whole thing.
As we catch glimpses of everyone asleep in their (and each other’s) beds…
… while visions of Evan dance in Kenny’s head…
A loud scream rings out through the night! What horror could have befallen the screamer? And of course, who is this poor, terrified soul? Why, it’s Mandi! And though we may think she woke up sober(ish) and realized she went to bed with Wes, we quickly learn that it is actually a crab who was terrorizing her in the night. Oh good lord, making a joke about Mandi having crabs here is just too easy. CHALLENGE ME, GODDAMN IT!
Anyway, Wes informs us that he and Mandi are “still hooking up” because she has great legs and is “down to earth.” Ummm, okay, whatever you say Wes. Even if she was, that’s like being the tallest midget. Also, you know Wes’ definition of “down to earth” is more like “willing to hook up with me.” Mandi tells Wes he’s her hero and rewards him with some sexytime in the pool while telling us she digs Wes because he is fun and “a good kisser.” It’s all very Romeo + Juliet. You know, the one with Leo.
Any chance this ends with both of them dying of stupidity?
Laurel’s weird flirtation with CT now involved rather large bugs. You know it’s serious because Laurel is wearing LIPSTICK. They also discuss the deep thinking behind CT’s shirt buttoning (or lack thereof). But we don’t get to hear much because we have a voiceover from Bananas telling us about his concern over their alliance. With Evan gone they can’t afford to have Laurel behaving questionably like this. Well, maybe don’t ally yourself with 90% of the other challengers, then.
Bananas and Kenny sit Laurel down and literally hand her a rope, saying it’s enough to hang herself with. Then they discuss the finer points of CT’s wardrobe, namely that he has his badass “golf hat and under armor shirt” and his glasses/combed hair/buttondown shirt combo. The first is for when he’s going to kick some ass, the second is for drinking martini’s and discussing the stock market. (Bananas’ words, not mine. Bananas knows a shitload more about fashion than I ever will.)
Laurel says she doesn’t know what they want from her. Bananas tells her to be a better judge of character (and trusting YOU shows good character, jackass?), and Kenny says he doesn’t want to hear about it when she gets burned. This, of course, only drives Laurel further into CT’s arms.
Kenny looks GOOD. Must have been that 300 pounds of pale asshole he had removed.
Laurel and CT sit down for more of their traitorous “talking” and CT asks about her day. She informs him that she worked out and was interrogated. He says she’s not voting with him or anything terrible like that, so she’s not doing anything wrong. CT rolls his eyes at us as he says the “mob” needs to let people have fun and stop yelling at everyone who talks to him.
Bananas has a clue! Why is no one throwing things at him? I miss that already. Something about getting “cut.” Jasmine tells us this is the most important challenge for the girls since the winners are automatically in the finals, and she wants to get there as a rookie.
Yes! Wes is attempting to strategize! This can only fail gloriously, and I cannot wait to see how. He and Kenny sit down to discuss the all-important “order” since they won the last challenge.
Kenny, Evan is GONE. Let it go.
Now I can’t stop picturing Kenny-as-Justin-Timberlake singing “Gone” and thinking about Evan. Oh, apparently that was an *NSync song. My middle school self is ashamed. Also, OMG remember when Justin Timberlake made music?
Anyway, Kenny and Wes hit a wall when the realize that their alliance contains three out of the four remaining girls’ teams. Again, alliances tend to be counter-productive when they include more than half the teams, but what do I know? Kenny leaves to sit down with some of the girls and see what order will involve the least amount of pesky chicks yelling at him.
Jenn says that she wants last since she’s given it to the other teams on other challenges, and she and Mandi gave Kenny and Wes the placement they wanted when they made the order. Paula just wants to stay out of the Jungle, and someone brings up Laurel “fraternizing with the enemy.” Cara Maria comes to Laurel’s defense by pointing out that Jenn has been getting up close and personal with Adam, which angers Jenn because it is “irrelevant.” Well, yes, because Adam is a sheep who will do what the douches say and thinks he is on their alliance despite being part of the ONLY team they have actively tried to get ride of this season.
“My Vaginal Vortex is extremely powerful and Adam will continue to do what I say. There is no need for you to concern yourself with this.”
CT, on the other hand, has this foreign concept known as “a mind of his own,” which is the one thing in this world that the Douche Trio find most terrifying. Jenn assures us that this will not end well for Cara Maria.
Bananas tells her to look at things from his point of view: she was brought into the fold as a Friend of Kenny, and every word she says to CT makes her less trustworthy. Cara Maria just wants to ease the tension (good luck with that) because she is afraid of everything, I think, so she offers them to go second. Laurel tells us she has just realized she’s at the bottom of the pecking order in the alliance. Well, you don’t have the patented Walnuts Whine (which has been perfected over many, many years) or Jenn’s Vaginal Vortex, plus you’re just the newest ones, so what do you expect?
Also, will someone please tell me where the fuck Ev is? It’s nine minutes into the episode and I haven’t seen her. Plus, this conversation could really use a voice of reason and we all know that is Ev this season.
Yes, finally! Ask and ye shall receive, apparently. I can already feel my brain growing back.
Anyway, this week’s challenge is called Sawed Off. One member of each team will hang from a bunch of ropes (you guessed it, high above some water) while the other will shoot a fire hose, moving the hanging team member so that the ropes are cut by razor-sharp arrowhead blades and he or she falls into the water. You guys, Kenny is SO HAPPY! (I am too, not gonna lie.)
Now for the more complicated rules: first of all, there’s a 20 minute time limit. That’s the easy part. Also they’ll be doing this in two groups (two teams from each gender per group). Whichever group finishes first will provide the winning team from each gender, and whichever group loses will provide the losing girls’ team. Mandi, unsurprisingly, looks confused.
Don’t worry about it, Mandi. All you have to do is hang around and let someone spray a load in your face. It’s like a Tuesday afternoon for you.
And, as Cara Maria helpfully points out, order doesn’t matter, so they’ve all pissed each other off for NO REASON. And now we have seen Wes’ attempt to strategize fail, so Kenny’s newfound mojo has not transferred to his partner.
Kenny/Wes and Laurel/Cara Maria pick the teams since they won the last two challenges. Teams are: Kenny/Wes, Paula/Ev, Johnny/Tyler, and Jonna/Jasmine on one side, and Laurel/Cara Maria, CT/Adam, Jenn/Mandi, and MikeRoy on the other.
Hanging for the first group are Cara Maria, Adam, Mandi, and MikeMike. Jenn scoffs at the thought of her doing the less glamorous job in any challenge, and CT says it’s like a carnival game. Holy shit, that would be the best carnival game ever! I would pay to do that!
Spraying begins! The girls cover their faces while the guys cover their balls. MikeMike spins around and around. Mandi says it looks and feels like she’s having a seizure. Unsurprisingly, CT completely ROCKS and Adam is down in a minute and 25 seconds. MikeRoy aren’t too far behind at a little over three minutes. Jenn and Mandi are next at a little over six minutes, and CT is trying to offer advice to a struggling Laurel but she just yells at him because she’s not allowed to speak to him.
“OMG, that took SO much longer than finishing Wes off.”
As Laurel continues to, in her words, drown Cara Maria in midair, every says it’s pathetic that they’re taking so long. And it gets even sadder when TJ blows the horn and they DQ. Walnuts helpfully explains to us that all they need to do is complete this challenge to win it.
Kenny also scoffs at the thought of doing the less glamorous job as he tells Adam he will be shooting the fire hose. Then he tells us he’s fulfilling his dream of being a Ghostbuster. HA! Kenny FTW right now, since Ev has yet to say a single word this episode, I think. And when the challenge begins, Kenny tells us he’s enjoying spraying Wes and seeing him in pain. Wes, for his part, is not so happy that he can see Kenny smiling.
Also hanging for this group are Paula, Jasmine, and Tyler. Johnny gets Tyler down in 1:01, putting CT and Adam to shame. Paula is down next at 6:11, which is a few seconds behind Jenn and Mandi. Of course, that won’t matter because it all depends on which team wins. Johnny is screaming instructions at Kenny, who is probably prolonging this a bit just because he’s having so much fun.
And, I mean, can you really blame him? This is fun to watch.
With just over three minutes remaining and two people still hanging, the first team is hoping for a win. However, Kenny FINALLY gets Wes to fall and less than a minute later, Jonna knocks Jasmine down too. Walnuts is ecstatic that no one can send her into the last elimination before the final.
So, the winning guys’ team is Johnny and Tyler, which Johnny celebrates by kissing Tyler on the kind like he’s a princess or something. Do you think Johnny’s trying to be nice or trying to be offensive by implying the Tyler should be treated like a lady? Discuss.
The winning (and more importantly, safe from elimination) girls’ team is Walnuts and the still-mute Evelyn. Losing girls, heading into the Jungle, are Cara Maria and Laurel. Laurel is feeling down, like everyone wants to get rid of her. Kenny gives her a pep talk and says she needs to take care of whatever comes her way with or without support. I suppose now that Evan is gone, Kenny’s allowed to have his own personality again.
On the bus ride back (and also via confessional), Cara Maria expresses frustration that Jenn always sails through to the end without having to go into elimination rounds. Yes, we’ve discussed this already, that is the Power of her Vaginal Vortex. Jenn says it’s their own fault for DQing (twice), and they haven’t earned their spot yet. Ah yes, the age-old “This is my sixth Challenge!” argument.
Or, to borrow a quote from Jenn herself, “You’re a ROOKIE. If you don’t GET IT, you’re not SUPPOSED TO!”
Of course, Laurel and Cara Maria are now on their third consecutive Challenge, so they should be on the other end of this argument in no time. Back at the house, Laurel tells Jonna and Jasmine that if they can get CT and Adam to vote for Jenn and Mandi, they’ll be safe from the jungle. Since there are 8 teams left, I’m counting a split vote, but maybe I’m missing something.
The Cancun J’s approach CT, but he says Adam will never vote for Jenn because he is currently under her Vaginal Vortex spell. Also, he does not appreciate Laurel sending them to do her dirty work. He also says that he doesn’t trust Laurel to vote with him and he’d rather have Jasmine/Jonna stay since they’ve had his back the whole time. Laurel says CT could have helped her but didn’t, so maybe he really is Evil Incarnated.
Jenn tells Tyler about Laurel’s attempt to vote her into elimination, and his response is, verbatim: ”When I hear Laurel and Cara Maria say that they want to go against MY best friend Jenn? Hoooold the phone bitch, it ain’t gonna happen.”
I always forget that Jenn’s Vaginal Vortex is so powerful that it even sucks in the gay mafia. No WAY Laurel and Cara Maria stand a chance now.
So then, Mandi decides to have a little chat with Cara Maria, and it’s in her Super Mega Dramatic voice, so you know she’s serious. She says they were supposed to make it to the end together and CM’s a lying sack of shit for trying to take them out.
Teej gathers everyone for the vote and leaves them to it. Bananas asks if anyone has any dirty laundry, and Jenn says she thinks Cara Maria does. CM says she shouldn’t have turned on Mandi like that and she’s voting for the Cancun J’s even though she loves them too. Then she tells us there’s no way she could have gotten everyone to vote for Jenn even if she wanted to. Jenn tells us the same thing, acting like the very thought of anyone choosing CM for her is disgusting. She also gives us this little gem: ”Your wish is nobody’s command.”
They call TJ back and he makes his obligatory comment about how quickly the deliberations went down. Have ANY of the deliberations this season taken much time? Jasmine announces that it will be herself and Jonna, who tells us they could be all upset and “butt-hurt,” but they don’t want to be “those girls.” Respect, ladies. It’s like you’ve grown up before our very eyes.
Oh, excellent. ’Tis time to get “sexy on the dance floor,” says the soundtrack.
Adam just ate a grape and he jizzed in his pants.
Jenn tells us Adam has made it clear “from day one” (DRINK!) that he wants to be more than her friend, and she doesn’t know what “love potion” he’s drugged her with, but she’s got to keep her vag busy SOMEhow, so there you go. Wes is threatening to put the moves on Mandi, which he claims she will not be able to resist. Oh, dear god. Sadly, we do not get to see Wes’ moves, because that probably would have been utterly hilarious.
CM is sulking on a couch because she misses Abram, as we helpfully flashback to their CutThroat romance. CM tells us she doesn’t want to party anyone, just sit by herself because she’s an only child. I’m pretty sure not having siblings isn’t supposed to stop you from having friends, but whatever.
Meanwhile, Kenny and his newly regained personality are impersonating Cara Maria. He says he likes horses and Abram and everyone is mean. I appreciate the effort, but this is not your funniest commentary dear Kenneth.
Is it the winning of a challenge or the loss of Evan that has caused Kenny to regain his personality? Discuss.
For some reason Bananas asks CM if she’s upset, and she brings up the fact that they were using Laurel talking to CT as a reason not to trust them when Jenn is sleeping with Adam. This causes Jenn to flip the fuck out and say that CM needs to get her facts straight before calling Jenn out because the fact that she is making out with Adam does not mean she is having sex. Well, as long as we’re talking about facts, CM said “sleeping with” and we have, on multiple occasions, seen you sleeping in bed with Adam. Unfortunately, Voice of Reason Ev is not around to point this out (not like it would have mattered anyway). Also, from what we’ve seen Laurel and CT haven’t even kissed, they’ve literally only talked, but whatever.
Jenn keeps screaming. Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Seriously, why is she so pissed that someone may have implied that she may have had sex with someone she’s been all over for weeks? Even if it’s not true, who cares what CM thinks? Anyway, there’s screaming and clapping and I think CM gets hit in the face and it looks like production steps in. CM stands back and lets Jenn keep going nuts.
Adam tells Jenn it’s not worth it while CT says some things to CM that we can’t hear because a voiceover from Laurel is telling us they’re really mean. Oh, now he’s calling Abram a punk, which upsets CM because apparently her boyfriend and her horse are off-limits. Jenn wants to MURDER Cara Maria right now. Good LORD, woman, UNCLENCH. Something must have been edited out here, because this is just ridiculous overreaction.
Back at the house, CM apologizes to Laurel for causing such a ruckus. Laurel tells CM to stand up for herself and she’ll have her back. CM is amazed that the only person who has her back is her worst enemy.
“Yay, Laurel loves me! All I had to do was make everyone else hate me, but by goal has been achieved!”
The next morning, Tyler applauds Jenn as she walks into the kitchen. Oh hey, Ev is still alive, guys! Jenn tells them she needs anger management because she’s still really pissed. CM listens from another room as Jenn expressed some more anger. Then CM calls Abram who tells her they’re scumbags, drunk assholes who yell just to make noise. Well, that’s certainly accurate. Then he says some nice things about her that make her feel good enough to go confront Jenn who is still bitching in the kitchen. She walks in and they stare at each other while we get a commercial break to anticipate.
They throw some elementary school insults about looking like an idiot and whatnot and how Jenn is totally more important because she has “status.” They sass at each other a little, but overall it’s a pretty non-confrontational confrontation. It is fun to watch CM mock Jenn’s clap-screaming from the night before, though.
As the Jungle nears, everyone in the house is wearing blue shirts in order to show their support for the Cancun J’s in the elimination round. Wes neighs like a horse, for some reason, when he’s clearly hooking up with the most horse-looking girl in the house. Wes says they’re bad human beings and “if no one likes you, you’re the problem.”
POT-KETTLE, DUDE. POT. FREAKING. KETTLE.
Kenny, who claims he’s been unintentionally wearing a blue shirt all day, changes into a black one to make Laurel and CM feel better. I forgot Kenny’s nice sometimes when Evan’s not around.
Ev is speaking words! It’s about time, we’re only like 80% through the episode. She’s claiming that the “tiny rookie team” are the “favorites to take out” CM and Laurel. I think that’s just a BIT of an exaggeration. Jasmine says she doesn’t care about the fighting, she’s just putting everything she has into the Jungle. Which includes 49 pounds of eye makeup, apparently.
When we get to the Jungle, Ev points out that even CT has shown up in a blue shirt to rub it in Laurel’s face. She’s not kidding either. Everyone, all the way down to MikeRoy, is wearing blue. I honestly did not know every single person loved Jenn and hated them that much.
Teej reveals that they will be playing Blast Off. You know, the one where they have to push the other team out of a circle three times? Poor Jasmine and Jonna, that is just not even fair.
“This is going to be such a nail-bi… zzzzzzz. Wake me when I have to blow the horn.”
Seriously, if production chooses these after they know who’s going in, they really have it out for the Cancun J’s. Also, I just noticed that Ev is wearing a Cara Maria shirt. She must have one of those mythical “free-thinking” brains. Also, TJ is totally wearing black, but I doubt he has any idea about the significance of that.
So, um, do I really need to tell you how this one turns out? As Bananas puts it, Laurel is like an NFL lineman, and Jasmine is like a “seven year old girl scout.” Everyone tries to act like the support of the house will help the Cancun J’s, but this was one of the least suspenseful eliminations ever and Laurel/CM take it 3-0.
Jasmine cries and Jonna says she needs to keep her head up. They’re sad to go home this close to the end, and I’m kind of sad too. I was just starting to like them! Personally, I would have liked to see Jenn and Mandi gone, but apparently that’s asking too much.
Teej sends CM and Laurel back to the group as CM tells us she can’t even enjoy making it to the finals since everyone has gotten in her head. To be fair, that’s not a terribly difficult thing to do. She’s a pretty emotional person. On an unrelated note, the Cancun J’s are apparently BFF’s now, so I guess Evan’s therapy session worked. He should be a motivational speaker, then he could tell people about how he lives in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.
Back at the house, the group gets a surprise clue from TJ. Oh my goodness, what could it be?! Jenn (who also does not get random objects thrown at her, sadly) says their next challenge is 3000 miles away in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Much screaming and excitement commences. CT claims that there will be “strippers… dogs in clown suits, clowns in dog suits.”
CT’s brain must have been designed by Tim Burton.
Adam says nothing like this has ever happened in Challenge history, and CM says she can’t get excited and she thinks something crazy is about to go down.
Next week: Insanity, apparently. Even MikeMike is yelling! Mascara tears! I don’t even know, guys.
So, while I did end up kind of liking Jonna/Jasmine, I am looking forward to Ev vs. Laurel in the final, that could be epic. Also, there’s no way MikeRoy aren’t going into the next elimination round, so that makes me sad because I heart them. But yay for MikeMike getting some action! I don’t think Paula will do anything mean to him, since she’s just not a mean person, but the guys will probably give him a hard time. It’s okay, he can handle it. Also, I totally enjoyed watching the fire hose spraying, you? What do you guys think about Kenny’s turnaround? Do you care at all about Wes and Mandi or CT and Laurel? Also, since we’ve been making Fat Evan jokes and Slutty Mandi jokes, what’s next? Ugly Wes jokes, perhaps?