When it comes to sports, if I don’t have a favorite team, I almost always root for the underdog, so it’s sort of amazing how I have enjoyed the ruthless way the Real World: Austin cast have been treated on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat. I don’t have a favorite team, and to tell you the truth, there are not many people worth rooting for. Let’s be honest, not even the girl with cancer is making us feel all that sympathetic. And if you can’t root for a girl who might lose her ovaries, why would you care about the plight of the Austin cast, who came in acting like they were the greatest thing to hit the airwaves since Models Inc and have since found that even people who are paid to be in Australia hate them? Once four strong, the Austin cast is now down to just one moronic couple. Can Wes and Johanna step up and bet twice as dumb now that Danny and Melinda are gone? It’s going to be tough, but I think they have it in them.Rooting against the Austin cast is really a study in contrasts. On one hand, you can’t stand that you are forced to watch them. On the other hand, they are so dumb, you can’t help but watch. When we came into this season, many people were excited to watch because they heard that Wes was attacked by a kangaroo. But how could that rumor ever be true? At one time Wes might have been a person to pick fights with various marsupials, but now he is a changed man, just ask Johanna!
Johanna says that she has a good relationship with Wes. Although he was “a mess” before she got her hands on him, she is pretty sure that he loves her and is willing to change so many things about himself in order to keep a strong relationship. Imagine that! If the Wes we are seeing in Australia is new and improved because of his love of Johanna, is there anybody who would want to see the train wreck when he was a real mess? Oh, that’s right, it’s called Real World: Austin. And while we are talking about people who were a mess, how the hell does Johanna know? Lets not forget, she didn’t exaclty have it all together when we first met her either. This is sort of a case of the blind leading the blind, or more specifically, the dumb leading the dumber.
But in the end, what really matters is that they care for each other, right? Better that these idiots procreate among themselves, and not muddy up the gene pool with delusions of ancillary reality t-shirt empires. The rest is none of my business, but it is Tina’s business. I can’t stand Tina, but I have to admit, when she isn’t the most annoying person on your television (difficult task, I assure you), she can be sort of funny. Tina thinks that Wes is a sexist asshole and can’t believe that Johanna puts up with all of his shit.
Hmm, are they setting up a Wes vs. Tina showdown in The Exile? It may be a little too early to tell, but they did spend a lot of time focusing on Tina and her partner Kenny at the beginning of the episode. Tina is a shrill wench, but she knows this game, having learned how to play under the tutelage of the lesbianish duo Rachel and Veronica. Tina absolutely LOVES her partner Kenny. Although she commented that she probably has more balls the him (I count at LEAST six), how can she not like a person who laughs at her jokes? And while I am on my fever/drug-induced Tina love-fest, I should mention that she had a great line early in the episode. When she was fake fighting with Kenny, he said that she was used to eating dirty (perhaps knowing she was friends with Rachonica), and she came back saying “So are you, I have seen pictures of your girlfriend!”. Ouch! Perhaps they shot that scene several times in order for Tina to maximize her humor, but I think it was pretty good.
Tina’s only problem is that Kenny doesn’t realize that this is a job. For his part, Kenny says that Tina is growing on him. I take this to mean that having spent so much time in this challenge close to her vagina, he is starting to develop a rash himself. It could also mean that she has taken a liking to the vegemite and her ass is getting bigger, in which case she is “growing” on all of us. Ha! I’ve got more where that came from folks.
J-Unit’s easy three-step diet plan
1. See Tina topless 2. Lose appetite forever 3. There is no step three!
For the most part, it was a pretty tame pre-challenge segment of the show, and then out came Tonya. I don’t know how it happened, but we went from talking about Tina and Kenny to blurred-out shots Tonya boobs. We all know that it was only a matter of time before the crazy started to kick in, but she ran out with a wet t-shirt and then we cut to a shot of Tina, Kenny, and Tonya wrestling by the pool and it’s not long before Tina is topless herself. Now I know Kenny was saying that they needed some sort of motivation to boost their enthusiasm, but I am not sure how that is supposed to help. If anything, the thought of seeing Tina naked again might make some of her friends vote her into exile.
Going into the challenge, Wes talked about how it was going to be difficult. See, “right now” his alliance is really weak, which is news to me because saying that his alliance is weak now somehow implies that it was strong at some point. He’s really worried because Johanna and Jesse are the weakest team and he has been voted in every single time. The only thing he can do now is try and protect Johanna from being voted into exile.
The clue for the next challenge was “Want to get high?”, which I guess assumes that the Fresh Meat and Veterans haven’t been sniffing glue since they landed. Is there any other way to explain Wes’ mohawk? To be quite honest, this portion of the show is very boring. Maybe if there was some cool Australian Sidekick that they could use I would gain interest, but until then the only thing I noticed was Diem’s boobs as she was bending over. To me, it looked like she had those saline dimples that form when you are bending over with your fake breasts.
So, how was everybody “getting high”? Some thought it was skydiving or bungee jumping, but when they met TJ Lavin, he explained that it was just a climbing wall. OK, there was a little bit of a twist. To climb the wall, you would use a series of pegs and each peg had a specific shape that matched a specific place on the wall. For a little added difficulty, your partner would be carrying your pegs, so you not only had to recognize a shape, but be able to name it as well. There was a ten minute time limit, and the team with the fastest time would win. If a team member fell off, that team was disqualified, and if you dropped a peg, you had to finish without that particular shape.
Theo and Chanda won last time, so they got to choose the order and Johanna and Jesse went first. Jesse talked about how there was a lot of pressure for them to do well, and it looked like they were really working well together. After Jesse reached his flag, they only had to wait for Johanna to pull herself up and finish, but she couldn’t do it. So much for saving themselves from exile. Wes, always the optimist, said that Johanna did horribly, but he wasn’t expecting much from her anyway. Yeah Wes, because you have been doing so well in these challenges that you have managed to get sent into exile both times already.
Tina and Kenny were next, but Tina fell off about 1/3 of the way up. Asked to explain what happened, she said that she tried to get up and then she was “down on the ground before you can blink”. Tina also used this explanation when explaining her last trip to Cancun. I had a slightly different take on the events, like the pegs that they used weren’t strong enough to hold her massive weight, which is saying a lot, since Eric was able to get to the top without any problem.
Hey Diem, I like climbing walls too, preferably WITHOUT CANCER
After Tina fell off Wes and Casey finished, and most of the other teams were at least able to make it. During Theo and Chanda’s run, Chand dropped one of her pieces, and although they were still able to finish, there was no way that they were the fastest team to finish. That crown once again goes to Coral and Evan. Tina thought that they must be drinking something to make them fast, but unless they have some sort of new Cuervo blend with ginseng and guarana, I don’t think they have an unfair advantage.
Since Wes didn’t win, it is now time for him to put his master plan into action. First step: Beg Coral not to pick Johanna and Jesse. Second step: Beg Coal not to pick himself and Casey. Step three: vote himself into Exile once again and then KICK SOME ASS!
I guess Wes thought that Coral and Evan were going to go along with his plan, but when it came time to announce who was their pick for Exile, Coral and Evan said “Johanna and Jesse”. Coral then added that she was sick of all of the girlfriend drama, and just so Tina knows the writers still give her the best lines, added “If you don’t want her to go home, tell that bitch to win a mission”. If she was this funny all of the time, she wouldn’t need to put those funbags on display for people to talk to her.
Upon hearing that Johanna and Jesse were nominated, Wes went absolutely crazy. He called everybody two-faced, and now that his girlfriend was voted in, something we “don’t want to see” is taking over, which I hope to God didn’t mean that Danny was coming back. What did Wes do with all of that anger he had towards his two-faced cast members? He took it out on his girlfriend!
While Johanna is not exactly an innocent person, I don’t think she deserved to be the brunt of all of Wes’ frustration at being singled out. Wes was upset that Johanna wasn’t doing enough to stay in this game, specifically she wasn’t trying to convince other people that they shouldn’t vote for her. Now it was true that Johanna wasn’t trying very hard to get anybody on her side, and it’s not right to believe that anybody should just give up, but recent history has taught us that she has plenty of reason to despair. Both Exiles have featured Austin castmates and their partners. It’s not that Johanna hadn’t given up, it’s just that she has no reason to believe that the others are going to start voting their friends into exile. Defeatist, yes, but ultimately correct.
From there, things just deteriorated. Wes and Johanna started arguing. She couldn’t understand why Wes would not only call her stupid, but would do it in front of everybody else. TIna has already given us the answer: Wes is an asshole. Unfortunately, Johanna had no sort of comeback other than throwing her sports drink bottle at Wes’ feet. Great for making you look pathetic, but not so great for winning an argument.
Go hydrate yourself you stupid prick!
After yelling at his girlfriend, Wes finally had enough courage to go after the people he was actually upset with. He went over to the other cast members and warned them that they better not vote for Johanna. Instead, they should vote in the last place team, because that was fair. For all of Wes’ talk that he was going to make all of these people pay for voting him in, it didn’t look like many people were all that scared of him. In fact, it looked like they were more puzzled at what the hell was coming out of his mouth. Theo said that Wes was mad, but also semi-delusional, and when you think about it, calling Wes only semi-delusional is actually a great compliment.
The bigger insult came when Theo said that he couldn’t understand Wes because he “didn’t speak” idiot, and coming from Theo, that says something. I had always thought that Theo was especially well-versed in idiot, but I guess he speaks imbecile and dumbass much better.
When it came down to voting, it wasn’t even close. Johanna and Jesse were voted in, which mean Wes had a very difficult decision to make. If he was going to come back from his third straight trip to exile, it was going to have to be at the expense of his girlfriend. He was going to have to make a choice between his ego or his love life. Faced with such a difficult decision, Wes decided to call the one person he knows that is great at relationships: Danny.
On the phone, Wes is lamenting because Johanna is horrible at this game. That may be true, but why ask for advice from the FIRST PERSON TO LEAVE THE SHOW? Obviously Danny is no better at this game, so what is he going to offer? “Oh Wes, that’s a WICKED pissah! I’m going to Dunk’s to get a Coolatta”. Wes is really worried that this whole thing is going to break them up, which is odd because the only person who wants to break up over poor performance in the Challenge is…Wes! If he doesn’t want this to be a problem, why doesn’t he stop taking it so seriously?
So there we have it. Unless Wes and Casey or Jesse and Johanna can win next week’s challenge, we are going to get our most exciting Exile to date. What did you think of this episode? Will Wes and Johanna break up over the exile? Can anything stop Coral and Evan?