This Is What It Sounds Like When the Dumb Cry

Last week, on the Real World / Road Rules Challenge: Fresh Meat Wes amazed us with the amazing sensitivity and compassion he showed his girlfriend, Johanna, as the two of them were heading towards an inevitable matchup in exile. And when I say “amazing sensitivity and compassion”, I of course mean “incredible callousness and lack of appreciation”. As annoying and dumb as Johanna is, Wes is still playing with the house money when it comes to this relationship. Of all of the things to end a relationship over, doesn’t “reality show competition” rank among the most stupid? At least wait until somebody sleeps with Tonya before ruining everything you have! This week, Wes and Johanna try to save themselves from exile in hopes of keeping the Real World: Austin out of elimination for the third time in a row.Like I said last week, I will always root for the underdog, but when the underdog is an arrogant asshole and gets so unraveled to the point of a breakdown, it is kind of fun to watch it all go down, no? As we returned this week, Wes was still worried that he and Johanna might break up over this whole Exile thing. I’ll give Wes points for recognizing the problem. Apparently, all of that sun that is reaching his bald scalp hasn’t completely fired his brain, or has it? In the next sentence, after hearing how upset Johanna is, he says that spite is the only thing that can make her athletic enough to beat him. I am not sure if he was proud that she would finally show some passion (or should I say PASSION!) for the game, or if he were upset that he made her so mad she would lose.

As for Johanna, she said that Wes is “supposed to be somebody that I love and trust and respect” and that she is supposed to get all of that love, trust and respect back. I was interested to see where this was going, but first the cast members decided to throw a costume party. Everybody decided that they needed a little more spice in the house, which probably means the producers told them that if they didn’t do something crazy soon, they would take away their booze and cigarettes.

Since most people didn’t anticipate a drunken masquerade ball, the fresh meat and the veterans were left to get creative with what they had. Since the only banned substance on these trips is brain matter, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot of surprises, but just when I underestimate these people, they really surprise me. Darrell looked so funny with those goofy bucked teeth! It’s almost as funny was when I first saw it six challenges ago! And there was Eric, dressed up as, wait for it…a redneck! He probably had to put a lot of thought into that one. There was also Coral, who came dressed as a pair of walking boobs!

Coral looked a lot like Pam Grier circa 1975

If she were a president, we’d call her Skankraham Lincoln

But the grand prize goes to Tonya, who dug down deep and decided to shock us all by coming dressed up as a huge slut. We haven’t heard much of Tonya these days since everybody has been focused on removing the Austin cast members, but we know that something is going to happen soon. Although Rachonica is not here for this challenge, Tonya doesn’t really have a lot of friends during the challenges. Her partner Johnnie picked up on this and noted that Tonya is starting to become a bit of a loose cannon, which is fitting because she has always been a bit of a loose vagina.

Tonya might be a factor later, but this competition is all about Johanna and Wes. Although Johanna was trying to pretend like she was going to teach Wes a lesson for treating her so badly, she really wanted to make it up t o him. When Johanna told Wes that his words hurt her, Wes replied that he was just trying to tell her that he wants to be with her. If I were Johanna, I would probably wonder how she is supposed to translate being called stupid means that he wants to be with her. Eventually, she gets Wes to actually say the words “I love you and want to be with you”. Wes must have turned up the charm, because when they woke up the next morning, everything was fine.

That brings us to the veto competition. Hey, I know that these things can be repetitive, especially for the host, who must somehow survive without the pleasure of seeing Tonya or Tina topless, but could TJ Lavin perhaps at least try and act like he hasn’t been taking resin hits out of an apple bong all morning? Anyway, TJ announced the veto competition, which had the teams trying to collect as much oatmeal as they could from two huge vats and carrying it to their own buckets. The team with the most oatmeal collected in two minutes time would win. The winner of the challenge would also score a gizmondo, which sounds exciting until you realize the company doesn’t make them anymore and that it was run by the mob. Hey! Det är mänskligt att fela!

If Jesse and Johanna or Wes and Casey were going to save themselves from Exile, now would have to be the time for one of them to step up. Although the game was gross, there really wasn’t a whole lot that went unexpectedly. Early on, Eric talked about the Speedo that he was forced to wear, commenting that it was an apparatus designed to keep your balls close to your body. He said that it was uncomfortable, and that would have been plenty of information, but then he decided to go into more detail. The reason why it was so painful for him was because he was a meat and taters kind of guy, and well, he had a lot when it came to the tater departments. If PETA wanted to turn more people into vegetarians, they only need to show tapes of Eric describing the size of his balls. I thought this would be my fate, but the Gordon Ramsay hot dog saved me.

The only team that attempted to do anything other than pile a bunch of oatmeal in their arms and run it to their bucket was Darrell and Aviv, but their efforts to turn Aviv into an oatmeal basket and have Darrell carry her around didn’t seem to make things go any faster and they went back to the standard method pretty quickly. I was surprised that Tonya and Tina didn’t do better at this challenge, but they were both surprised at how sticky everything was. Imagine that, Tonya didn’t know what to do when she had to try and handle something sticky. I am beginning to wonder how she became so popular around this town.

Coral’s boobs have their own gravitational pull

I can’t really pretend that this challenge was all that close. Our superstar team of Coral and Evan took the prize. Coral’s boobs proved the perfect carrier for large amounts of oatmeal. If only Tina could harness her ass like Coral harnesses her boobs, she might have won. It really seems like Coral and Evan are just playing with the rest of them at this point, but at least their win preserved the streak of Exiles that would send another Austin cast member back to the United States.

As the two teams prepared for the latest exile, Jesse and Casey were a little nervous. While the two of them may be fighting to continue on, they had no clue what their partners were doing. These teams were supposed to be fighting for another chance at staying in the game, which we must remember is offering the largest amount of cash in Challenge history. How can feel about your chances when your partner is sucking face with the other team?

By now, we all know hot this thing goes. The teams race through a course while carrying bags that way equal to the bags that they carried with them in Australia. Not surprisingly, Jesse had the heaviest bag. It’s not that he packed a lot more clothes than anybody else; he just couldn’t leave home any of this 15 lbs worth of moisturizer.

At the beginning of the race, the teams were neck and neck, but Wes and Casey managed to get a bit of lead. The first puzzle presented both teams with a diagram of an object and they were told to draw one line that would split the shape into two equal pieces. Wes, who has decided that there is no brainteaser to easy for him to pass up, simply moved along. Jesse and Johanna stopped, but Jesse’s attempt at solving the puzzle was incorrect and they had to move on.

Luck seemed to be with Jesse and Johanna, however, because it seemed like Wes and Casey forgot their flag! Remember last week when Melinda solved the puzzle, only to be foiled when she forgot the flag? This week TJ Lavin made it a point of reminding the teams that they had to remember to pick up a flag at each station. Stupid Casey and Wes forgot their flag anyway, and Wes sent Casey back to get the flag while he hauled their bags along the Exile course.

With that mistake, Jesse and Johanna were able to move into the lead. Then came the second brainteaser. This one was so easy, I knew that there was no way that they wouldn’t finish it, and then move on, finally eliminating the plague that is Wes from our television screens for at least another several months. How easy was the puzzle? Take a look at this:

Now, even if you were drunk and stoned, and Star Jones was sitting on your face, this was an easy puzzle to solve. As long as you know the alphabet and can sound out words, you should be able to finish this. Even if you can’t speak a word of English, I am guessing that it is only going to take you what, twenty seconds?

Let’s see.

First line: An blade – saw – circus

Second line: W – diamonds – pacifier

Third line: 2 – ha – bowling.

I got it! Blade saw the circus with a diamond pacifier to laugh at bowling! That was soooooo easy!

OK, so the real answer was “An accident waiting to happen”. Now I know that there is a lot of pressure to finish these things, but are people really THAT stupid? Even if it took you a minute to finish that thing, isn’t it worth at least trying? I guess Jesse’s poor performance on the first puzzle convinced the two of them not to try for number two. Then again, they had the lead, so why risk anything? Just move on and hope that Wes and Casey can’t catch up, right?

At this time, I was starting to get worried. Johanna said that it felt so good to be ahead of Wes. Surely she was setting herself up for the fall. Wes would come to the second puzzle, see how ridiculous easy the puzzle was, and beat his girlfriend, something we all think he is pretty good at. However, when Wes and Casey reached the puzzle, they also didn’t give it a second look, even thought they were behind. This is something I really couldn’t understand. He has to make up time, he knows the others are far ahead, why not do the puzzle?

I guess the best part about these challenges is that you can count on the idiots that are involved to make the sort of mistakes that remind you of the time you were in kindergarten and didn’t get a gold star because you were only able to circle five of the rabbits in the cabbage patch and there were six in the picture. Was there anything that could save Wes from his own stupidity? How about the stupidity of others?

As much as Wes sucks, we have always wondered how it was that he managed to keep Johanna? We’ve seen their website, we know that neither of them are that bright, so it’s my guess that, with all apologies to Captain and Tenielle, “Dumb Can Keep Them Together”. We know how dumb Wes is, but how dumb is Johanna? Dumb enough to forget not one, but both of the team flags!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

THEY FORGOT BOTH FLAGS?

This was so dumb, I nearly pissed myself because I was laughing so hard. Wes and Casey forgot their first flag, and ran back to get it. Casey ran right past Jesse and Johanna. I know it is hot out there, but did neither one of them even stop to think there had to be some reason that she was running back? Perhaps she left had to use the bathroom? Maybe she had received a phone call? She had to make the donuts? OR THAT SHE FORGOT HER FLAG?

I guess not having been in exile before, Jesse and Johanna didn’t realize some of the intricacies of the whole thing, even though TJ Lavin was sure to remind them. To their credit, Jesse and Johanna, who were only minutes away from finishing, went back, retrieved their flags, and finished the course, but long after Wes and Casey were able to reach. I would like to say that the producers somehow fixed this to keep Wes and his antics in the game a little bit longer, but it’s not hard to believe that Johanna and Wes are both that stupid.

Even though Wes won, he was really upset that he ALMOST lost. I am not sure if it was Casey’s job to remember the flag, but Wes blamed her for it. Even though she ran back herself, Wes didn’t think it was fast enough, and as she was coming back called her a stupid bitch and told her to hurry the fuck up. Now no matter what you think about these people, they are partners and are supposed to kind of work together. And forgive me for being old-fashioned, but that is no way to talk to a lady, unless she just killed your dog or something.

While Johanna was never very excited about sticking up for herself, she did stick up for Casey, not that Wes was taking any of her words to heart. When asked if he would try and do a better job in the future when he is trying to communicate, Wes said that “maybe I will, maybe I won’t”. Maybe you folks can help me with this one. Is it worse for Wes to be an asshole right away, or make her feel good by saying he will change and then continuing on with the same act? We know that these two are still together, but I can’t imagine that Wes has changed in all the ways that Johanna talked about at the beginning of the program. Let’s hope she comes to her senses before she has to stab him in self-defense.

Wes might be too big of an asshole to realize how his behavior affects other people, but that doesn’t mean Casey has to take it. She is now the last of the Fresh Meat that were picked by the Austin cast members to survive the game. Wes calls her dead weight, but she has had to endure being a target through no fault of her own, watch as her partner does everything he can to piss off everybody else in the game, stand by as her partner sacrifices himself into exile to save his girlfriend, and after all of that, she still is verbally abused.

Considering that they have won every Exile they have entered(mostly thanks to his behavior), Wes should be on his hands and knees that his partner has put up with his shit. And since we know that Wes will never admit that he is wrong about something, it was great to see Casey stand up for herself and give her partner an earful. Then again, when Coral won the oatmeal challenge, she said that if Wes were any sort of a man, he would throw the competition for his girlfriend. I guess we know what kind of man Coral was talking about now.

When Wes and Casey returned, there was really no surprise, as the rest of the cast is used to it by now. Coral tried to give him shit for sending his girlfriend home, but you can sense that there is a bigger tension in the house. It was easy for all of the veterans to target the Austin cast and everybody had a good time. Now they are going to have to start picking on their “friends” and this is when things start to get really ugly. And considering how great this season is when everybody was playing nice, I can’t wait to see what happens when the gloves come off. If I were a betting man, I would say that Coral and Evan, Theo and Chanda, Darrell and Aviv, and Shane and Linnette will go far, and I think Derrick and Diem will be in the mix as well.

What did you think of this episode? Who do you want to see go home next? Will anybody(other than a kangaroo) punch Wes in the face for being stupid? Who are your final four?