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It’s been two weeks since we last saw a team go home on Fresh Meat, which meant it was time to send some more suckers into Exile — home of rudimentary puzzles and mule-like laboring. Once again, heading into last night’s episode, Wes and Casey were nominated to face this challenge for the fifth time, and I was hoping, praying, wishing that this would be it for them. They were facing formidable foes in Shane and Linette — two people who looked capable of a) dragging that awful weight around; b) solving the puzzles; and c) not forgetting THE DAMN FLAGS! As you can imagine, I was optimistic that our mohawked idiot would finally be returning to America, but would my dreams come true? Answer after the jump…This week’s show started with the tribunal of Linette, Aviv, and Diem all talking about the scandalous Exile nominations. As you might remember, Diem put Shane and Linette on the chopping block, despite previous promises that she wouldn’t. You see, Diem, Linette, and Aviv were going to be best friends forever and never stab each other on the back… despite being on a reality show renowned for massive betrayals and catty bitches.
Well, Linette explained her feelings very earnestly to Diem. “I’m not upset at you, Diem. I’m hurt.” Translation: I am VERY upset at you, bitch. I will cut you!
Linette then pleaded not to be the first team to go on the pardon challenge, and if she was going to be first, she wanted Diem to tell her beforehand. You know, that way she could digest the information and form the proper bitch rage to complement it. Well, Diem wanted to make peace and was all for this idea, but clearly, she wasn’t the one who called the shots on her team. That would be Derrick, who quickly informed us, “We’re not going to let Shane and Linette win the pardon. That would be the dumbest thing we could do.” Of course, I wasn’t sure if Derrick was in any position to talk about “dumb” seeing that he’s never been afraid to wear a tea cozy as a hat.
Anyway, with tensions reaching a near simmer, Casey then told us that she and Wes may be down, but they weren’t out. “We’re winning the pardon, and we’re sending Darrell and Aviv in. How do you like them apples?” Whatever you say, Casey. Countdown to Wes quitting the challenge out of frustration begins…. now.
Elsewhere, Linette and Theo cuddled up together for what could be their very last cuddle in the cuddle-riffic continent of Australia. Linette told us she didn’t want to be emotionally attached to Theo, but darnit, she couldn’t help it! Especially when he laid on that intoxicating Theo charm, which usually consists of two parts drawl, one part twang, and five parts nonsense. Nevertheless, Theo told her she’d be fine in the challenge and that he was lucky to have met her. Translation: Yeah, um, so when we get back to the U.S., I probably won’t call you or anything.
The next day, the kids headed out to the river where they encountered tonight’s big event: “Jump Down Under.” Basically, teams had to dive off a platform, plunging twelve meters into the water below (that’s about four stories, or storeys since we’re being metric and Australian). The duos then had to swim twenty feet (so much for the metric system) to the “Rave Super-Launch,” which was basically a giant, inflatable suppository.
Teams would have to climb onto the thing with a rope ladder, grab a flag, and then swim another thirty feet to a buoy. The team with the fastest time would win the pardon AND a pair of Oakleys with a built in MP3 player. I forget the model name, but I think they’re called THE MOST RIDICULOUS LOOKING SUNGLASSES EVER. Yeah, that won’t suck when you sit on them or lose them in a movie theater.
Well, as Diem and Derrick selected the team order for this challenge, Aviv again reminded us how much she didn’t want Linette and Shane to go first. Wouldn’t be a problem though because Diem already said she wouldn’t allow it, right? Um… yeah… not so much. First up were none other than Shane and Linette. This was followed by rolls of laughter in the TVgasm offices. Suckers.
“I’m so disappointed in her,” Linette said. Not to be cruel, but this is really the time when Diem should say, “Yeah, but I have cancer.” Just sayin’. It would shut Linette right up.
Anyhoo…. Shane and Linette begrudgingly went first and seemed to do fine, despite some initial struggles with the rope ladder on the Super Launch. They noted that it was key to move very gingerly on the giant inflatable device, lest they roll off like a sack of non-Super-Launch-worthy potatoes. Next up were Wes and Casey, and before Wes could even forfeit out of frustration, Casey one-upped him by refusing to jump off the platform. “On a scale of one to ten, ten being scaredest, I’m like a 9.7,” Casey said. I wonder why she couldn’t commit to those extra .3 points of “scaredness.” Maybe if she had to answer an SAT question too, it would take it up to a 10.
Well, this challenge was simply too daunting. Casey threw in the towel, and I was bracing for Wes to make fun of her (so that way I could call him out on all the times he’d quit challenges too), but alas, he kept his mouth shut for the most part. Next up were Theo and Chanda who zipped through as usual. They were then followed by Darrell and Aviv, the former of which said something about not being a bitch to this challenge or whatever. I’d be able to take him seriously if he didn’t dive into the water while plugging his nose tight like an eight year old. As the two approached the big float, Darrell then said, “Going on the Super Wave reminds me of when I used to sneak girls in the house, and you had to tiptoe, and you didn’t want to get caught.” Apparently, Darrell was raised on an oversized, inflatable pool raft.
Tina and Kenny were next, and they also did a fine job, quickly making short work of the challenge. Wes event commented, “Wow. They’ve been able to work together ever since that Exile.” It’s really only been like two challenges. Not that impressive of a run.
Last to go were Derrick and Diem, and just like most of the other teams, they powered right through this challenge without a problem. Afterwards, the teams then all assembled in front of TJ Lavin, who said, “That was an amazing challenge. It was probably my favorite by far.” GREAT! This wins the TJ Lavin Medal of Accomplishment!
Anyway, time for results. In fifth place, Shane and Linette (haha — you’re screwed). Fourth went to Theo and Chanda, followed by Darrell and Aviv in third, Tina and Kenny in second, and Derrick and Diem in first once again. Tra la la! Once again, no one was saved from Exile, which meant it was time to say goodbye. At this point, I was really, really hoping Wes would be leaving, and when Casey said, “I’m pretty confident I’m coming back,” I was fairly certain that this would be our week. It had to be!
Well, after the commercial break, we headed right into Exile. Shane told us he was pretty nervous going up against Wes and Casey because “Exile-wise, they kick ass.” No, they don’t kick ass. It’s just that people just keep forgetting to take the stupid flags. But not this time, right? Right? We then saw a few flashes of the puzzles to come (one involved removing three sticks to form only three triangles — something that took us at the TVgasm offices about twenty seconds to figure out. Yeah, we’re awesome), and then it was time for the weigh in. Shane and Linette would be dragging 171 lbs. to Wes and Casey’s 113 lbs. A large difference, but certainly manageable.
As the race began, it looked like things would be going sour for Wes. His partner was struggling, and he commented, “I realize she’s about to suck again, and I’m about to throw up I’m so nervous.” Well, Wes, if it’s any consolation, we’re about to throw up whenever you talk; so you see, we’re all in the same boat.
Well, Shane and Linette took the lead and arrived at the first puzzle ahead of their rivals. It involved a phone and a decoder and letters and numbers. We couldn’t figure out the answer because sadly, we couldn’t read the letters on the phone. Either way, this certainly was the trickiest puzzle so far, and I felt badly because surely Shane would have rocked any of the other lame-ass puzzles so far this season. As a result, Shane and Linette grabbed their flag (thank you) and kept going. Wes and Casey, meanwhile, arrived at the puzzle, gave it a perfunctory look and then powered on. Around this time the girls then started to crumble under the weight of their bags. Linette could barely carry her one sack while Casey gave everything to Wes to carry. Thanks to Linette’s sorry-ass performance, Wes and Casey were able to move ahead, and while Shane ran back to help his partner, their opponents reached the triangle puzzle. Even though this was an easy-ass task, Wes’s lack of brainpower prevented him from taking the two seconds it took to figure it out. He removed three arbitrary sticks, getting the wrong answer.
“Didn’t think so,” Wes said — as if there was even a minor possibility that he had gotten it right. Dumbass, you left FOUR triangles there. What part of THREE do you not understand? Oh, that’s right. ALL OF IT.
Well, even though Wes and Linette were behind, they would surely take over here because there was no way that Shane could mess up this puzzle. But ah yes. I should never underestimate the trappings of a Real World/Road Rules star. Shane removed the wrong sticks (technically, there were only three stars left, but there was still an errant stick on the table, which was apparently verboten. The producers should really be more explicit about the rules. Johnnie got screwed in the same way). Without the benefit of the puzzle, there was no way Shane and his weakling ally could ever gain lost ground. Before we could see the outcome, however, we then moved forward to the household where everyone was waiting to see who would return. The black SUV pulled up and suddenly, Diem began screaming with joy from the porch. The winning team was…
Wes and Casey.
We then headed back to Exile and watched as Linette struggled with her bags some more, ultimately leading to her downfall. As she and Shane crossed the finish line second, she muttered, “Two people who have no heart are staying in this game.” Oh be quiet, you bitter pill. At least Shane had some class as he congratulated Wes and Casey, going so far as to say he was really proud of them. Okay, okay. It kind of wreaked of phony bullshit, but it seemed like a nice gesture.
Shane then expressed regret about not winning, saying “I really wanted to come back and give Derrick and Diem a piece of my ass.” Wow. Most people want to give their wrongdoers a piece of their mind, but I guess Shane just wanted to whore his body out. Hey, whatever works.
Back at the ranch, Theo and Aviv reeled from Linette’s departure, and later on, as everyone partied at the local watering hole (Cheeky Monkey’s), Aviv told us that she would be nice and friendly to Diem, but it would all be a ruse. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer! And, if it were possible, maybe keep a plastic surgeon the closest. Just saying — she’s got a bit of a shnozz.
And speaking of close, as the episode ended, we saw a shot of Diem and Derrick looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. Kind of how that one episode of The Gauntlet II ended with Jodi and Alton on the verge of a love connection. Can’t wait to see this relationship unfold. The last thing we need is silly Derrick drama. Wait. What am I saying? Derrick drama’s the best! Bring it on!!
What did you think about this episode?