Gauntlet 3:Angels and Pink Umbrellas- so Victoria Secret

Last week on The Gauntlet III, we reunited with some old friends, were thrilled to discover that every show is going to be a full hour long, and got into recapping straight away. This week we had to watch the Rookies lose again, discover that Johnny Bananas has ruined my love for him, and wait an inexcusably long time for this recap to come out. But hey… the drama and sexual tensions are high, we got rid of Tyler, and guess what? I even learned how to spell Nehemiah’s name correctly. See Gasmii, it’s not all bad. I could go into a lengthy explanation of why this recap is out so late, but the reality is that even if I did, you’d either not believe me or decide it’s not a good enough excuse. So let’s just treat this the way we as a people treat any act of betrayal. I’ll promise to never do it again, and you’ll hold a small grudge but reluctantly agree to forgive me. Then we’ll just wait it out while you tell me you trust me, but secretly sneak into my cell phone occasionally to see if I’m up to no good. I think that’s fair.

We open this week with Nehemiah and Beth. We all remember the whole “moth to a flame” speech Beth was dishing out at The Duel. Personally I always thought of it as more of a fruit fly to a giant noisy bug zapper, but I think I get where she was going with it. Anyway, I get the feeling that little speech of hers resulted in Nehemiah being subjected to relentless mockery from everyone he knows. And potentially even anonymous passersby.

The backlash he received must have been torturous, because to say that Nehemiah is on a mission to dispel the Beth rumors would be like saying that one legged McCartney ex lady is holding a little bit of a grudge. Seriously, you get the sense that saying the word cougar, or even just catching a glimpse of an animal even slightly resembling a cougar could send him into fits of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder at any moment.

Nehemiah makes it clear that nothing happened between he and Beth. Then he raises his voice so everyone can hear him and spits out a few insults including describing her laugh as “witchy.” After a round of applause, Nehemiah has sufficiently reestablished his rep and embarrassed Beth in front of all the Gauntlet 3 participants and most of the American television viewers between the ages of 15 and 30. Mission accomplished. Now if only he could shake those pesky scabies she gave him.

They itch like a bitch, don’t they?

While admittedly entertaining, the whole Beth embarrassment scene was somewhat unnecessary if you ask me. I’d even feel bad for Beth if not for the following two facts: 1. I’m an evil, evil bitch with sympathy for no one; and 2) I think appearing on a show where you are more than ten years older than your target audience is kinda asking for ridicule. Except, of course, in the case of Beverly Hills 90210; where it’s perfectly acceptable to not only appeal to an audience significantly younger than you, but also to be 45 years old and play a seventeen-year old high school student. Oh but Gasmii, that’s neither here nor there, because this isn’t West Beverly High and Beth is nooooo Jennie Garth.

So instead of feeling bad for her, Beth’s embarrassment gets the same response from me as Audrina getting repeatedly burned by Justin-Bobby, and all those girls who get rejected on The Bachelor: “Bitch was asking for it.”

Next we get a quick montage of all the budding love in Puerto Vallarta, including a clingier every day Jillian. I think by the end of the show she might be permanently affixed to Frank’s back. In other couples news, by the looks of her new wardrobe, I think Tori has officially been named the face of Brad’s motorcycle racing clothing line. (He really has one. I saw his myspace page). Is there anything hotter than a beauty queen in a motor-cross hoodie? Probably.

After absorbing all the amore I can handle in one episode we get a very scripted side- kick clue about tomorrow’s challenge. One of the great things about the Real World Road Rules Challenge is that the participants mock any scripted portions of the show by obviously overacting to the point of sarcasm. It’s the only thing that allows me to forgive them for the hideously corny openings this show insists on having every single season. You know, where everyone makes his or her Tough Face. This season being no exception as the veterans actually pretend to crawl out from underneath the ground. Are they fucking kidding me with that? But I digress.

Not surprisingly, it doesn’t take more than episode two before we start seeing the alliances. Frank makes his move to talk to CT. Oh yeah, I like this! Become allies you two! Join forces. Come on, verbal contracts are useless, make it official. Take your shirts off and hug. Ok fine don’t hug, just take your shirts off.

That’s a good start

Frank tells us that he forms this alliance based on the fact that CT is the “decision maker” of the group. Not quite sure if CT is a “decision maker” per se, but he certainly is a raving lunatic, and everybody knows that as a general rule it’s much better to have the crazies behind you than against you. So it’s a solid move nonetheless.

The next morning we awake to our first challenge; adorably entitled: Screw You. MTV must really be running out of challenges at this point because this is a blatant rip-off of that game little kids play where you start off an obstacle course by spinning around with your head on the handle of an upright baseball bat. I’m willing to overlook it this week, but if next week’s challenge resembles red rover or pin the tail on the donkey, I’m telling you right now, I’m dunzo.

Eventually the Veterans win and decide to throw Jillian into the gauntlet. Jill and Frank play a little kissy-face outside and then Frank tells the Rookies that Jillian wants to go against Angel. Angel isn’t worried because she has a good ten pounds on Jill, which judging by the size of Angel, means that Jill is weighing in at a solid 93 pounds. 15 of which come from the boyfriend clinging monkey devise she brought with her.

The girls play a game called Ram It Home. Okay, first Screw You and now Ram It Home? The sexual innuendos are far too obvious to ignore at this point. Hide the Sausage is looking more and more likely for next week.

Anyway, in Ram it Home the two players stand on opposite sides of a punching bag and push. The challenge ends when one person forces their opponent backwards until she hits a wall. Jill starts out ahead, but Angel comes back, and then the battle goes back and forth for a bit. I would probably find it suspenseful if not for the fact that I barely know either one of these two girls and don’t really care which one goes home. In all honesty, I spent most of the time rooting for the punching bag.

Don’t act like you weren’t too

Eventually Jill pulls ahead and Angel is sent back to wherever she derived. Everyone acts upset to see her go, but enough of this already. I don’t know about you, but I’m not here to watch two skinny chicks push each other around. I want some partying, unrequited gay love, and inebriated outbursts, and I want them now!

My wish is MTV’s command as we cut to the couples enjoying each other in sexy Mexican ways except for Jill and Frank who are watching movies on a laptop while Frank is wearing his bedtime glasses. I hate agreeing with him, but when Tyler calls them the most boring couple in America, it’s hard not to blame him. To be honest though, I get the feeling Frank and Jill really don’t care about that. They’ve got stay together post-Mexico and make freakishly strong abdominal muscled babies together written all over them. Which is kinda cute in their own way.

Cut to the gay lovers: Brooke and Ev are making out and then we discover that Tyler has a crush on Ryan. Which is so odd to Tyler because Ryan is (gasp) a waiter so he doesn’t have a real job and he has tattoos and smokes cigarettes and is skinny, which is SO not Tyler’s type.

Wait, so K-Fed’s got no chance then?

Soon enough we are privy to a private meeting between Tyler and Ryan in which Tyler says embarrassing things like, “I just want to touch you” and “I’m frustrated that you don’t want to indulge in something special.” And Ryan confessionals about “Inner turmoil.” The gays are so melodramatic, I love it! These are some straight off the shelves of CVS romantic novel lines right here. God, I know homosexuality isn’t really your thing, but please let Tyler tell us that his member is pulsating. You just have to!

I’m as big as this giant candy cane Ryan, you might want to reconsider

Ryan’s fine with drunken meaningless hookups but he’s not interested in it going any further, because has his own issues: he’s selfish and a control freak. Actually, that makes him sounds more straight than issue ridden, but whatev. It just really sucks because if they dated they totally could have saved a ton of money in wardrobe expenses and simply shared their brightly colored wife beaters. Alas.

But don’t worry; Tyler’s not too upset about the rejection. I mean, it’s not like he’s going to go into the confessional all teary eyed or anything. It’s not like they’re going to get married in Vermont and move to Tuscany or anything. No, Tyler has NOT thought about any of that. Not for a second. He might have booked two bus tickets to Vermont and already decided that their celebrity relationship joiner name would be Ryler, but I mean, he’s fine with it. Really.

The next morning the teams awake for our second challenge of the episode. This one is called Roped Off. I’ve failed to find sexual innuendos in the name. Not due to a lack of trying of course. I’m nervous about being bored during the challenge when I notice during the Rookie pep talk that Tyler is wearing eyeliner.

What is it about drag queens that can make even the most boring event intriguing?

A few minutes later we are told that Roped Off requires being moved around on a board while your teammates move you with ropes, and the ultimate goal is to put pegs into their appropriately shaped holes. Fitting pegs into their appropriately shaped holes huh? Hmmm… What could have motivated this challenge?

I’m so on to you MTV

The veterans win again, and Robin does some typical shit talking. I can’t make up my mind about Robin. One minute she looks quite pretty and the next she looks quite terrible. This baffles me. What causes this? Is makeup the answer? A tan and a good night’s sleep? These are questions I’d like answers to so that I may effectively judge her.

Before allowing the Veterans to choose one Rookie to send into the gauntlet and one to save, TJ Lavin reminds the vets that they have to save someone new this time. “Remember, you can’t save the same person as last time.” Remember? Don’t you normally start a sentence with “remember” when you’ve already told us something before? This is news to everyone including me. Something tells me TJ forgot to mention this part the first time. Very tricky TJ Lavin. Very tricky indeed.

The vets run into some issues while deliberating and Evan tells us that the problem with the veterans is that it’s all chiefs and no Indians. No, Evan honey, I think the problem is that it’s all asshole tough guys. Oh and that Under Armour headband you all have to wear is doing nothing for your hairline.

And neither is that forehead

Johnny mentions throwing Tyler in and suddenly the problem is solved. Because if there is one thing asshole tough guys can all agree on it’s that when in doubt, join forces against gay people.

The vets decide to send Tyler in partially because they think he’ll save Ryan, but mostly, because Johnny Bananas has a personal vendetta against him from when Tyler beat him in The Duel. At the challenge announcements, Johnny gives a little introduction about there being history between he and the person they’ve chosen. Cut to Tyler who either knows well and good that he’s fucked or is intensely practicing Joey Tribiani’s highly accepted “smell the fart” acting.

Johnny sarcastically calls Tyler one of the big dogs, and then follows it up with a blatantly feminine “go get em girl!” Oh Johnny Bananas I used to like you. Don’t be a dick just cause you feel emasculated that a gay guy beat you. You can mock Tyler all you want, but it won’t change the fact that Davis can still kick your ass.

Tyler is upset that he was chosen and complains to the veterans that he really needs the money. Yeah, well I really need a job that allows me to stay home all day and watch TV while providing me with all day meal delivery and full benefits. Everybody needs the damn money. Now quit fuckin bitching.

Tyler decides he doesn’t want to choose whom to go against. Translation: the only person I can beat is Ryan, but I can’t pick him, because if I do that, then there is no way we can both play Hide the Sausage next week, so I will just let you pick someone while I relax Indian-Style under my pretty pink umbrella, and do NOT daydream about Tuscany.

The rookies choose Frank and they pull Force Field. Tyler’s dreams of one more night with Ryan quickly begin to fade and minutes later Tyler is gone.

Back at the house Ryan is shit talking about how Tyler was all over him and how if Davis were there he totally would have had sex with him. Then he adds that he’s just glad Tyler’s clothes are finally off his bed. I don’t know if that last part is literal or some sort of code, but either way somewhere out there Tyler’s listening to all this shit talk about him from the man he once did NOT love, and he is no doubt beating his television with his pink umbrella, Britney-style.

Get em girl!

We close with attractive Robin, Coral and Katie who are still talking about the guys throwing missions. I can’t wait till the guys actually start doing this, and the veteran girls lose their minds! With any luck it will start next week. Until then Gasmii…