True story: a few weeks ago I got an email from my friend who knew that I was recapping the Gauntlet 3. The subject of the email was “holy shit” and the content of the email read simply as follows: “I just saw the preview for the Gauntlet 3 and my nipples got hard.” It’s been a little under a year since the Inferno III aired. Not only for my easily aroused friends, but also for me, the withdrawals have been torturous. It’s not just because the Real World Road Rules Challenge is MTV’s best show (yeah, yeah, The Hills is good, but the constant speculation of scripted scenes makes it ineligible for the top two positions. I don’t care if you agree. I make the rules here). It’s because the Challenges are the standard by which I measure my life.
I didn’t realize the show was my life measurement, until the day I decided I officially wasn’t young anymore; having made the determination based simply on the fact that I was too old to be Fresh Meat (it’s 24 and under, in case you were wondering). Ever since then, as far as I’m concerned, you’re a bitch if I think you’d get along well with Veronica, you’re a psycho based on your ranking on my Likelihood of Grabbing For The Safety Harness Scale and you’re not old until you’re older than the oldest cast member. God bless those Timmy days, huh?
Needless to say, I was thrilled to hear the show was coming back on, and ecstatic to discover that some of my old favorites were back to compete. (Coral, Katie, Frank, Beth). My only disappointment was that Alton isn’t on this season, because Alton’s the greatest Challenge player ever to exist. Plus, anybody who says they won’t put on a Speedo because they’re “hung like a horse” on national television is okay by me.
So grab your sombreros, turn on your t-mobile side-kicks, and for Christ’s sake somebody grab the clippers in case CT’s head’s not shaved. It’s Gauntlet 3 bitches….
We open meeting our two teams: the rookies and the veterans. The veterans are being described as anyone who has done more than one Challenge before. Really? So someone like, say, Diem is a veteran already? Kinda suspect, but okay. By this standard then, someone like Coral should be up for the lifetime achievement award.
Here’s a list of our cast:
Beth S. (Los Angeles)
Coral (Back to New York)
Brad (San Diego)
Robin (San Diego)
John (Key West)
Paula (Key West)
Katie (The Quest)
Casey (Fresh Meat)
Diem (Fresh Meat)
Eric (Fresh Meat)
Evan (Fresh Meat)
Ev (Fresh Meat)
Kenny (Fresh Meat)
Frank (Las Vegas)
Janelle (Key West)
Tyler (Key West)
Zach (Key West)
Ryan (Fresh Meat)
Angel (Viewers’ Revenge)
Derek (Viewers’ Revenge)
Tori (Viewers’ Revenge)
Straight away we start with a challenge to determine where the two teams will sleep. Blah blah blah, tug of war later, the veterans get the nice accommodations and the rookies are sent to what can only be described as prison bunks. All the rookies are upset, except for Tyler and some gay guy named Ryan who looks pleasantly surprised.
Oops, I dropped my soap…
The veterans’ place is gorgeous, and everyone is thrilled. Well, except Coral who is pissed she has to share a room with Beth. Eventually Coral relaxes and shrugs it off when she realizes that worse comes to worse she can just throw Beth down the stairs and break her hip. That, or throw garlic at her and stab her in the heart with a metal steak. Whichever.
The vets bask in the glory of their victory and five star lodging, and Kenny very graciously lets the rookie girls know that if they are uncomfortable they are free to come share his comfortable bed. Between the disease sharing and the bed welcoming those Jersey guys are such gentlemen, aren’t they?
As soon as the living situation is sorted out, the partying starts and we find out two things: One, Danny is clearly still juicing, and two, the only thing outlasting his steroid cycle is the length of his engagement to Melinda. I’m confused. Are there no churches where they live? Are they waiting for a wedding cake in the shape of Texas to me made? To scale? They’ve been engaged since the Austin reunion show. Until I get some answers here, I will only acknowledge these two as “going steady.”
Coral, Beth and Katie are back, and I could be happier, because in addition to them being just plain fun to watch, they help me on a personal level. (See standard above: you’re not old unless…) Katie and Beth are a guarantee for some angry drama, and with a little luck, Coral will overtake her own record of the best quote on reality television; the current champion: “I don’t wrestle… I beat bitches up.”
When we’re re-introduced to Johanna, she tells us that she’s gotten in shape and will screw anyone she has to, because she just wants the money. Impressive. I once knew a hooker who had that very same mentality. I know what she actually means, and my guess is that Wes gave her a pep-talk in the kitchen before she left. There’s also a good chance he had her doing pull-ups from a clothesline for a month prior. The only thing I haven’t decided is whether the musical accompaniment to the training program was The Eye of the Tiger or No Easy Way Out. Could go either way.
CT and Diem are both back too. As much as I want to dislike CT I can’t. CT goes against everything I stand for considering I’m a good-hearted, diehard Yankee and Giants fan, born and raised in New York, and he’s from Boston and can be a real mean bastard sometimes. And yet, I find him completely attractive. I have no idea what this says about me, but I’m reasonably certain that whatever it is can explain my past failed relationships.
Also rekindling old flames this year are Neahmiah and Beth; who last time we saw them, were knee deep in some “jungle fever.” And by “jungle fever” I mean a male human getting steamy with a female wildebeest.
Not everything has stayed the same since the last time we saw our cast. For example, Brooke, who Tyler accurately describes as being “bat shit crazy,” has decided to become a lesbian now. Well sort of. See, she wants a dick, she just doesn’t want the person who comes attached it to. Hmmm. A penis without a person attached. If only they made such a thing. If only they sold them in stores together with personal lubricants, dirty movies and handcuffs. The world would be a better place.
Oh well, in the meantime I guess Brooke’s only option is to become a lesbian and hook up with Ev. This way, instead of getting what she wants, she winds up with the exact opposite: a person, without a penis attached to it. See, this whole time I thought fake lesbians were just annoying exhibitionists in desperate need of attention. Turns out they’re stupid too.
Please God, create a personless penis
There are about five or six individuals who I’ve never seen before in my life. In addition to Ryan who I mentioned before, and who incidentally wears a silver bathing suit he stole from one of the Cheeta Girls, there’s another big guy named Derek, a girl named Jillian and another little girl whose name I don’t know but looks like a cross between the sister Patrice from Coming to America and that little girl who’s always yelling for Mr. Clark in Lean on Me. For the sake of accuracy and brevity in names, we’ll just call her Patrice.
Whatever, I’m still calling her Patrice
No sooner than the beds get chosen does the hooking up begin, and that “pairing off” Frank mentioned to me in our interview becomes quite evident. What wasn’t evident until now, is that Frank would be one of those pairing off. He hooks up with the other rookie Jill that I’ve never heard of, and moments later, and despite Evan’s assistance, the pairing off is so rapid I can hardly keep up.
Frank is with Jill, Casey is with Johnny Bananas, Paula is with Derek, Tori is with Brad, and then Paula switches to Adam. Cut to Paula telling us that wine and single are a bad combination. Paula sweetie, it appears that for you right now, boys and your ability to breathe are a bad combination.
Cue the t-mobile sidekick and we get our clue about tomorrow’s challenge. Or as Brad calls it “cheallenge.” This week’s game: The PiÃ±ata Pit. TJ will release green and orange balls into a muddy pit. The guys have to grab and orange ball and get out, the girls have to grab a green ball and get out. Aside from that, it’s kill the ball carrier until you make it out of the pit. I think Crater Face said it best in the movie Grease when he said, “the rules are, there are no rules.” Immediately, and probably for the first time in his life, Tyler isn’t happy about male-to-male physical contact.
If you are left without a ball, you’re eliminated. This continues in rounds until we’re left with one person standing for the males, and one person standing for the females. In the event the female winner and the male winner are on different teams, we head to a male based tiebreaker to determine which team wins.
The game begins and Johnny Bananas tells us that it looks easy, but there’s a lot of grabbing, kicking, biting and pinching going on under the surface. Sexy.
Tyler, you sure you still want out?
Coral and Evelyn start to bicker and Coral trash talks Ev in the confessional: “I don’t care about how big you are or how much you bench press or this rumor about how you might have a penis, I will fuck you up.” If I had a quarter for every time I heard that one. There’s no other Coral, there really isn’t. She will always be my favorite.
The girls’ final two comes down to Robin versus Tori. Tori wins and takes the women’s finals for the rookies. Somewhere out there her publicist is adding to her Ms. Virginia resume: Tori’s interests include baking, spending time with children, and occasional mud wrestling.
CT wins the male finals which means we head to a tiebreaker. The veterans select CT to play for the win, and the rookies select Derek. Derek speeds across first, but in the end he’s no match for CT, who “pawps the bahl oat from undah Derek’s ahm” and then does a weird ogre victory walk.
This year’s Gauntlet twists are as follows: there is no accumulated winning along the way; there is just one total sum for the winners at the end. Also, that the elimination part of the Gauntlet is between two members of the losing team. The winning team selects one player from the losing team to go into the gauntlet, and one player from the losing team to protect from the gauntlet. Then the losing team selects the other player to go in to the gauntlet. Wait, I’ve said gauntlet like six times now, so I’ve gone and confused myself at this point. All you need to know is that the veterans are gonna win and CT’s gonna get all the money.
The veterans throw Neahmiah into the gauntlet, and save Ryan and his silver bikini from it. Frank leads the rookies who have apparently already established that the rookie sent into the gauntlet by the veteran team gets to pick who they will go up against. With a capital F in “for now.” Neahmiah chooses to go against Alex, cause Alex sucks. Instead of getting into “battle mode” like Neahmiah does (um, whatever), Alex tells us he wants Neahmiah to “fuck up, give up, or just beat me quick so I’m not in the sun for three hours.” Good lord, Alex. I’d call you a pussy, but to do so would be an insult to vaginas across America.
See Alex, you need a sweet battle mode move like this
They play a game called force field where they have to crawl across the sand while being pulled backwards from harnesses. I’d love to see TJ Lavin’s preparation for memorizing the content and rules of these Challenges. I’d imagine it takes place a week before and includes note cards, some friends, and a lot of patron.
By the time the gauntlet is over, Alex proves that not only does he suck, but he’s also a quitter.
After ten minutes of stale mate, Alex gets up and walks backwards letting Neahmiah win uncontested. Life was so much easier in Denver when your roommates were getting drunk and repeatedly sleeping with you only to regret it later, wasn’t it Alex? Good times. Oh well. TJ quickly tells Alex he hopes he enjoyed his 18 hours in Mexico and his one quesadilla and just like that Alex is gone to find a real job. And then quit because its too hard.
We close back at the house, and CT is trashed. He starts slurring about the guys throwing missions,then asks for more tequila and then starts arguing with Coral. Coral tells him to be respectful but CT waives her off. Between the slicked back pony tail and the odd hand positioning CT manages to be appear both gay and intimidating at the same time.
No easy task
Diem tries to get CT to go bed, but instead he starts yelling at her and says something about him being with her all this time, and putting time in, and then asks, “when do I get my time?” I don’t know what that means but it’s a certain reminder about why you don’t date angry drunks. Stick to mellow, laid back drunks like I do.
Diem walks away and CT is left to ponder his next move. More tequila? More hand poses? Perhaps give an innocent byststander a black eye? The possibilities are endless, really.
And that’s all she wrote. What did you think? Are you as excited as I am? It looks to be a promising season, I hope you’ll all play along with me. Until next week Gamii…