This week on the Gauntlet 3, Danny learns that nobody likes him, MJ learns bigger doesn’t always mean stronger, and I get drunk. Very very drunk. Somebody come hold my hair back.
It’s what’s for dinner
First and foremost, many thanks to HayHor for stepping in last week and covering for me. If not for you Hay, I would have been totally stressed while I was sunbathing in the Caribbean, sipping frozen drinks and watching one of my friends inexplicably dive headfirst into hibiscus bushes in a drunken stupor. It’s like you made my vacation. Kinda.
Also a big thank you to that 50 year old guy who I was able to convince that I was Lyla from Friday Night Lights, and who gave me his credit card to buy drinks with all week long. Sir, your credit card is at a bar called Rum Runners that requires a secret password to get into, and is guarded by a 6 foot 5 fat man who they call Buddha, and is allegedly owned by Michael Jackson (the bar, not the fat man). Anyway, the password is “BJs in my PJs.” Good luck with that.
We open this week with Brad and Tori hanging out in Brad’s bedroom. Tori spots a dragonfly on the wall, and they decide to get rid of it. Which is quite sad, cause the poor dragonfly was just trying to eavesdrop on Katie and Coral in the next room. I know this because we see the dragon fly shaking its head back and forth in confusion and disgust, because Coral and Katie are continuing to make empty threats without actually following through and throwing missions in retaliation. Or maybe the dragonfly was still and it was my head shaking in disgust. I drank 5 Jack and Gingers after work today, at this point it could go either way.
Tori is a little scared to go near the dragon fly, which is kinda funny to me because if a dragon fly scares her I’d love to see her reaction to the cucarachas we have here in NY. They’re six inches long and speak in Mexican accents. Just the other day I had one carry my garbage outside for me.
Then Tori tells us that she wasn’t expecting much out of Brad when she got to Mexico. Not that I can blame her. After all, guys who lose their minds over wedgies and say things like “congratulations, you’re a meathead son, now never put your hand on my underwear again” tend to wind up low on the expectation totem pole. Then again the two of them do seem to share a love for jewelry. Tori always has her staple hoop earrings on for every challenge, and well, we already know Brad’s propensity towards accessories.
Now it’s a necklace
Tori’s not the only one pleasantly surprised about the budding relationship though. Brad is happy to have found Tori, because not only is she beautiful but she’s also ” got it together upstairs.” I never understood why guys tend to refer to women as if they’re a house. When I was in high school my friend referred to one very specific sexual act performed on a woman as “cleaning out the basement.” For months I had no idea what he was talking about.
Over in Danny’s room, Melinda is complaining that all of the challenges put the rookies at a disadvantage. Danny tells her that the reason the rookies are losing is because the night before the challenge they piss and moan. Melinda replies that the reason they are pissing and moaning is because they are always at a disadvantage. Chicken, egg, chicken, egg. Who gives a shit? Why don’t the two of you go outside and finish this discussion dangerously close to the balcony.
They continue debating and all of Danny’s built up “animosity” (translation: testosterone) inspires Danny to throw Rachel out of the room and then go outside and tell Melinda that every time he tries to talk to her, it’s like the Melinda Show. No I’d say it’s more like True Life: I’m engaged too young. Special appearances by Jason Wahler and the State of North Carolina.
When we get the clue for the challenge the next morning, Kenny is putting ice cream all over his face. Kenny is kinda like that kid in elementary school that used to eat glue and run into the blackboard on purpose. Sadly, I’m the girl in elementary school who kinda had a crush on that kid.
The next day we wake to another rendition of what is apparently the veteran’s new entrance into the challenges. It includes marching in formation and chanting a bunch of hoohs and haahs. This entrance, by the way, is a total rip off of a 1991 movie with Charlie Sheen called Cadence. How bout a little originality boys? Put your gigantic meatheads together and come up with something unique next time, m’kay?
TJ carefully welcomes us by saying, “Welcome everybody to the lienzo charro ejidal stadium here in punta mita mexico.” Well. Welcome to you, Mr. If Lauren Conrad Gets to Read Off Cue Cards Then So Do I. Ay chi mama, would I’d love to see the retakes on that scene.
TJ explains the challenge to us, and basically it’s like sumo wrestling, only with a giant log in the middle. Um, Lienzo Charro is bullfighting stadium, MTV. You mean to tell me you couldn’t incorporate any bull riding into this challenge; mechanical or otherwise? If the Saddle Ranch can manage it, I think you could have too.
The bad news for the male vets is that there is no way to throw this challenge. The girls would never be stupid enough to believe that they lost to the rookies. I think at this point you can stop worrying about being discrete gentlemen. For the past two weeks the veteran girls have been getting screwed like Mary Kay Letourneau at a middle school dance, and they’ve done shit about it so far. Sounds like you’re in the clear.
Acknowledging the stadium atmosphere, Fivehead tries to be Mr. Funny but leaves the NOT out of the “Are you entertained?” quote. Quit fucking up Gladiator lines, and change your damn shirt. I’m tired of seeing you in the confessional with that “This is my __________ t-shirt,” and not having the camera pan down far enough to fill it the blank. Is it your confessional t-shirt? Is it your only t-shirt? Whatever it is, it’s pissing me off.
After the veterans win, Casey starts getting cocky and says “can’t they just give us the money? Give us the prizes. We’ll send you a post card.” A postcard? Somebody please tell me, do the winners win a trip somewhere that I don’t know about? Where are you going to send the post card from? The finish line? Am I right about this, or do I just really hate Casey? Never mind, I think I know.
The veterans win and Danny gets pissed when they throw Melinda into the Gauntlet. He throws another little tantrum and rambles something about sandwiches. Listen Danny. As far as I’m concerned, there are only two people in this world who are allowed to yell about sandwiches. And you don’t look like Joey Tribiani, or Jared the skin hanging Subway guy to me.
Despite Danny’s disapproval, Melinda is being sent in anyway, and Casey has no sympathy for him. Why, you ask? Well because “this isn’t The Love Boat.” Yeah, we know Casey. To you and Bananas it’s more like The Good Ship Lollicock.
It’s a sweeeet trip to the ca-ndy shop…
Melinda throws the “you get more flies with honey” philosophy to the wind and makes the mistake of telling the Rookies that if they don’t send in the person she wants then she will backstab every one of them. Silly Melinda, what would make you think that would work? Angry threats and aggression only work in mafia environments and on domestic violence victims. Oh, never mind. Now I understand your confusion.
Then Johanna tells the group that Melinda wants to go against Jillian. Not because she’s the weakest. But because cause she’s the smallest. Which is much much nicer. It’s like saying it’s not because you’re ugly, it’s cause you have the smallest tits.
Tori says she is not going to compete today, but all of that goes out the window when Brad steps in and gives Tori a little pep talk.
I’ll clean the basement later if you stay
After Tori beats Melinda quite easily, Melinda cries and Danny comes to pick her up. It looked a little weird, because Melinda is so tall, but I actually found this kinda cute the way he was supportive of her. Fine, Jose Canseco, you’re okay by me.
After Melinda leaves, Danny is trash-talking Johanna to the vets. Hearing that Danny called her a backstabbing whore, Johanna comes in to the vets hut to defend herself. To Danny’s credit, the vets correct Johanna and tell her that he didn’t say whore. This cracks me up. Johanna gets angrier and angrier and eventually leaves in a huff as Danny yells out ” I don’t speak Spanish, I don’t understand you.” Wow.
Stop yelling, I’m only fluent in douche bag
Over in the blue team hut, the rookies are fighting too. Jillian and Tori are fighting because Jillian thinks Tori is immature and Tori thinks everyone is on Jillian’s side. I think the last time I wrote a sentence like that last one was in 1989, at which point I folded the letter up into a triangle, wrote “for Lindsey’s eyes only” on the outside and then left it in Stephanie’s cubby. (Yes I meant Stephanie’s cubby. See, even back then I was a conniving little bitch).
Speaking of little bitches, later that night CT is drunk and talking shit to MJ. Everyone is listening and watching, MJ tries to keep it friendly, and everyone has a good laugh. Including me, because MJ looks frighteningly more like Meg Ryan every episode.
The next day’s challenge is I dig you, and good lord what is with Robin’s pigtails? Honestly. I don’t even know where to begin. And I’m not gonna try, cause I’m afraid I’ll lose my buzz.
The challenge requires all the contestants to be buried alive while they wait for one of their teammates to answer three questions about them correctly. Then they can be dug out. 5 seconds into their coffins and Katie is already starting with the shakes and Ryan tells us this is the most traumatizing challenge you could throw at him. Well, unless you threw him onto an island with no one but a vagina and no hair product. I think that would be worse.
PS The Blair Witch Project’s got nothing on you honey
Evan moves very quickly and gets almost all of his questions right on the first try. Apparently Evan stalked all of the Challenge cast members before he became Fresh Meat. Hot. And kinda scary. Despite the numbers being in the rookies’ favor, the vets win again, and send Frank back into the gauntlet.
In the rookies’ hut, MTV makes it look like Nehemiah is going in, and I might even believe it, except that MTV also showed CT saying that MJ isn’t going in about ten times this episode. And MTV loves making these gauntlets painfully difficult to predict.
I really don’t understand why they would send MJ in there, except that they really wanted to get rid of Frank. Personally I think that is a bad move, because like him or not, Frank has proven to be a good competitor and is obviously smart. Aside from losing the PDA, having him gone is in no way beneficial.
By the way, I am calling it right now (and I have NOT seen any more episodes than you have) Jillian and Frank are going to be the only two rookies left going into the final challenge, beat the veterans and split all of the money themselves. Just watch.
Anyway, Frank and MJ face off, one guy loses a shoe, another guy digs a hole in the sand and everyone is flabbergasted when it’s all over. It’s like my vacation all over again. Coral sums it up perfectly when she says how Frank won’t go away. Every time they send him in there, he pops back up, French kisses Jillian and goes back to the house. I think that’s a good way for us to go out.
Next week looks like it promises more drama and entertainment, and I hope it lives up to the preview.
Until next time Gasmii.