Gauntlet 3: I Thought MJ Was Strong?

The Challenge

By Dr. McSteeny | Friday, February 29, 2008 | 6:05 am | 19 Comments

This week on the Gauntlet 3, Danny learns that nobody likes him, MJ learns bigger doesn’t always mean stronger, and I get drunk. Very very drunk. Somebody come hold my hair back.

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It’s what’s for dinner

First and foremost, many thanks to HayHor for stepping in last week and covering for me. If not for you Hay, I would have been totally stressed while I was sunbathing in the Caribbean, sipping frozen drinks and watching one of my friends inexplicably dive headfirst into hibiscus bushes in a drunken stupor. It’s like you made my vacation. Kinda.

Also a big thank you to that 50 year old guy who I was able to convince that I was Lyla from Friday Night Lights, and who gave me his credit card to buy drinks with all week long. Sir, your credit card is at a bar called Rum Runners that requires a secret password to get into, and is guarded by a 6 foot 5 fat man who they call Buddha, and is allegedly owned by Michael Jackson (the bar, not the fat man). Anyway, the password is “BJs in my PJs.” Good luck with that.

We open this week with Brad and Tori hanging out in Brad’s bedroom. Tori spots a dragonfly on the wall, and they decide to get rid of it. Which is quite sad, cause the poor dragonfly was just trying to eavesdrop on Katie and Coral in the next room. I know this because we see the dragon fly shaking its head back and forth in confusion and disgust, because Coral and Katie are continuing to make empty threats without actually following through and throwing missions in retaliation. Or maybe the dragonfly was still and it was my head shaking in disgust. I drank 5 Jack and Gingers after work today, at this point it could go either way.

Tori is a little scared to go near the dragon fly, which is kinda funny to me because if a dragon fly scares her I’d love to see her reaction to the cucarachas we have here in NY. They’re six inches long and speak in Mexican accents. Just the other day I had one carry my garbage outside for me.

Then Tori tells us that she wasn’t expecting much out of Brad when she got to Mexico. Not that I can blame her. After all, guys who lose their minds over wedgies and say things like “congratulations, you’re a meathead son, now never put your hand on my underwear again” tend to wind up low on the expectation totem pole. Then again the two of them do seem to share a love for jewelry. Tori always has her staple hoop earrings on for every challenge, and well, we already know Brad’s propensity towards accessories.

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Now it’s a necklace

Tori’s not the only one pleasantly surprised about the budding relationship though. Brad is happy to have found Tori, because not only is she beautiful but she’s also ” got it together upstairs.” I never understood why guys tend to refer to women as if they’re a house. When I was in high school my friend referred to one very specific sexual act performed on a woman as “cleaning out the basement.” For months I had no idea what he was talking about.

Over in Danny’s room, Melinda is complaining that all of the challenges put the rookies at a disadvantage. Danny tells her that the reason the rookies are losing is because the night before the challenge they piss and moan. Melinda replies that the reason they are pissing and moaning is because they are always at a disadvantage. Chicken, egg, chicken, egg. Who gives a shit? Why don’t the two of you go outside and finish this discussion dangerously close to the balcony.

They continue debating and all of Danny’s built up “animosity” (translation: testosterone) inspires Danny to throw Rachel out of the room and then go outside and tell Melinda that every time he tries to talk to her, it’s like the Melinda Show. No I’d say it’s more like True Life: I’m engaged too young. Special appearances by Jason Wahler and the State of North Carolina.

When we get the clue for the challenge the next morning, Kenny is putting ice cream all over his face. Kenny is kinda like that kid in elementary school that used to eat glue and run into the blackboard on purpose. Sadly, I’m the girl in elementary school who kinda had a crush on that kid.

The next day we wake to another rendition of what is apparently the veteran’s new entrance into the challenges. It includes marching in formation and chanting a bunch of hoohs and haahs. This entrance, by the way, is a total rip off of a 1991 movie with Charlie Sheen called Cadence. How bout a little originality boys? Put your gigantic meatheads together and come up with something unique next time, m’kay?

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Posers

TJ carefully welcomes us by saying, “Welcome everybody to the lienzo charro ejidal stadium here in punta mita mexico.” Well. Welcome to you, Mr. If Lauren Conrad Gets to Read Off Cue Cards Then So Do I. Ay chi mama, would I’d love to see the retakes on that scene.

TJ explains the challenge to us, and basically it’s like sumo wrestling, only with a giant log in the middle. Um, Lienzo Charro is bullfighting stadium, MTV. You mean to tell me you couldn’t incorporate any bull riding into this challenge; mechanical or otherwise? If the Saddle Ranch can manage it, I think you could have too.

The bad news for the male vets is that there is no way to throw this challenge. The girls would never be stupid enough to believe that they lost to the rookies. I think at this point you can stop worrying about being discrete gentlemen. For the past two weeks the veteran girls have been getting screwed like Mary Kay Letourneau at a middle school dance, and they’ve done shit about it so far. Sounds like you’re in the clear.

Acknowledging the stadium atmosphere, Fivehead tries to be Mr. Funny but leaves the NOT out of the “Are you entertained?” quote. Quit fucking up Gladiator lines, and change your damn shirt. I’m tired of seeing you in the confessional with that “This is my __________ t-shirt,” and not having the camera pan down far enough to fill it the blank. Is it your confessional t-shirt? Is it your only t-shirt? Whatever it is, it’s pissing me off.

After the veterans win, Casey starts getting cocky and says “can’t they just give us the money? Give us the prizes. We’ll send you a post card.” A postcard? Somebody please tell me, do the winners win a trip somewhere that I don’t know about? Where are you going to send the post card from? The finish line? Am I right about this, or do I just really hate Casey? Never mind, I think I know.

The veterans win and Danny gets pissed when they throw Melinda into the Gauntlet. He throws another little tantrum and rambles something about sandwiches. Listen Danny. As far as I’m concerned, there are only two people in this world who are allowed to yell about sandwiches. And you don’t look like Joey Tribiani, or Jared the skin hanging Subway guy to me.

Despite Danny’s disapproval, Melinda is being sent in anyway, and Casey has no sympathy for him. Why, you ask? Well because “this isn’t The Love Boat.” Yeah, we know Casey. To you and Bananas it’s more like The Good Ship Lollicock.

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It’s a sweeeet trip to the ca-ndy shop…

Melinda throws the “you get more flies with honey” philosophy to the wind and makes the mistake of telling the Rookies that if they don’t send in the person she wants then she will backstab every one of them. Silly Melinda, what would make you think that would work? Angry threats and aggression only work in mafia environments and on domestic violence victims. Oh, never mind. Now I understand your confusion.

Then Johanna tells the group that Melinda wants to go against Jillian. Not because she’s the weakest. But because cause she’s the smallest. Which is much much nicer. It’s like saying it’s not because you’re ugly, it’s cause you have the smallest tits.

Tori says she is not going to compete today, but all of that goes out the window when Brad steps in and gives Tori a little pep talk.

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I’ll clean the basement later if you stay

After Tori beats Melinda quite easily, Melinda cries and Danny comes to pick her up. It looked a little weird, because Melinda is so tall, but I actually found this kinda cute the way he was supportive of her. Fine, Jose Canseco, you’re okay by me.

After Melinda leaves, Danny is trash-talking Johanna to the vets. Hearing that Danny called her a backstabbing whore, Johanna comes in to the vets hut to defend herself. To Danny’s credit, the vets correct Johanna and tell her that he didn’t say whore. This cracks me up. Johanna gets angrier and angrier and eventually leaves in a huff as Danny yells out ” I don’t speak Spanish, I don’t understand you.” Wow.

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Stop yelling, I’m only fluent in douche bag

Over in the blue team hut, the rookies are fighting too. Jillian and Tori are fighting because Jillian thinks Tori is immature and Tori thinks everyone is on Jillian’s side. I think the last time I wrote a sentence like that last one was in 1989, at which point I folded the letter up into a triangle, wrote “for Lindsey’s eyes only” on the outside and then left it in Stephanie’s cubby. (Yes I meant Stephanie’s cubby. See, even back then I was a conniving little bitch).

Speaking of little bitches, later that night CT is drunk and talking shit to MJ. Everyone is listening and watching, MJ tries to keep it friendly, and everyone has a good laugh. Including me, because MJ looks frighteningly more like Meg Ryan every episode.

The next day’s challenge is I dig you, and good lord what is with Robin’s pigtails? Honestly. I don’t even know where to begin. And I’m not gonna try, cause I’m afraid I’ll lose my buzz.

The challenge requires all the contestants to be buried alive while they wait for one of their teammates to answer three questions about them correctly. Then they can be dug out. 5 seconds into their coffins and Katie is already starting with the shakes and Ryan tells us this is the most traumatizing challenge you could throw at him. Well, unless you threw him onto an island with no one but a vagina and no hair product. I think that would be worse.

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PS The Blair Witch Project’s got nothing on you honey

Evan moves very quickly and gets almost all of his questions right on the first try. Apparently Evan stalked all of the Challenge cast members before he became Fresh Meat. Hot. And kinda scary. Despite the numbers being in the rookies’ favor, the vets win again, and send Frank back into the gauntlet.

In the rookies’ hut, MTV makes it look like Nehemiah is going in, and I might even believe it, except that MTV also showed CT saying that MJ isn’t going in about ten times this episode. And MTV loves making these gauntlets painfully difficult to predict.

I really don’t understand why they would send MJ in there, except that they really wanted to get rid of Frank. Personally I think that is a bad move, because like him or not, Frank has proven to be a good competitor and is obviously smart. Aside from losing the PDA, having him gone is in no way beneficial.

By the way, I am calling it right now (and I have NOT seen any more episodes than you have) Jillian and Frank are going to be the only two rookies left going into the final challenge, beat the veterans and split all of the money themselves. Just watch.

Anyway, Frank and MJ face off, one guy loses a shoe, another guy digs a hole in the sand and everyone is flabbergasted when it’s all over. It’s like my vacation all over again. Coral sums it up perfectly when she says how Frank won’t go away. Every time they send him in there, he pops back up, French kisses Jillian and goes back to the house. I think that’s a good way for us to go out.

Next week looks like it promises more drama and entertainment, and I hope it lives up to the preview.

Until next time Gasmii.

19 Comments

  1. 1
    yankeesfan
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 7:13 am

    Danny makes me so angry. He is quite possibly the biggest hypocrite ever! His team sent Melinda into the gauntlet in the first place!!! How could he be mad at Johanna for having Tori go in (especially when she was fighting against it)…he’s clearly a few screws loose or something. And then the racist comment was too much…I’m glad Johanna walked away bc I would’ve slapped him. He is so ignorant.

    I also think Jillian and Frank will win the whole thing.

  2. 2
    sillage3
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 7:45 am

    I agree. Why did he get mad when his team is the one who put her there? You would think that after seeing Jillian win all the guantlets, they would be afraid that she would beat them and would stop choosing her. But I guess since they hate Frank so much they want to take it out on her. I think she has proven herself enough.
    Tori was wrong for telling Jillian that she sent home all the weak people on their team. Jillian beating Janelle,who swore she didn’t THINK she could beat her but KNEW she would, showed that size does not matter.
    I thought it was funny when Tori told Jillian “come on let’s go” and Jillian replied “go where? The guantlet’s over.” HILARIOUS!!
    Can’t wait for the next episode. It looks like more drama. Seems like Coral is all talk and no show. What a shame.

  3. 3
    SpaceVenus
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 8:04 am

    I really, hate Evan. I used to think he was pretty cool. That’s over. The funny thing was, he called the girls “ugly”. In case he was being literal, and I don’t want to give him enough credit for anything but, has he seen himself in any reflective surface? The dude is fugly; I mean scary looking.

    Also, Tori is becoming supremely annoying; much worse than even Kina. Why was it okay for Jillian to go into the gauntlet three times, and Tori’s supposed to be exempt? Why is she so special? And I think she’s copying Kina’s over-exaggerated mouth/mugging/stupid facial expressions.

  4. 4
    DP Hooker
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 8:07 am

    “For the past two weeks the veteran girls have been getting screwed like Mary Kay Letourneau at a middle school dance, and they’ve done shit about it so far.”

    Perfect.

    Danny gets more ridiculous by the episode. And Melinda is almost as bad. I loved how when they announced Tori was going in that she goes “Great plan guys, throw in your two strongest girls.” Umm what? On what planet is Melinda the strongest girl? I haven’t seen her do shit except fake a concussion and put up with Danny’s BS. I guess putting up with domestic abuse for so long makes you “strongest.”

    And then Danny lifting her up and wrapping her legs around him, I guess I just hate them both so much I couldn’t stand it. His proudest moment of her was getting one ball that Tori let her have? Really?

    And Casey pissed me off too with the “why do the rookies even show up??” like she is doing so much to help her team win. It was all about the Love Boat when Bananas was going to get thrown into the Gauntlet. She’s a dumb bitch too.

    Wow i was really filled with a lot of animosity after watching this episode. I would fit in well with the Rookies I guess, or maybe i’m on the same “workout plan” as Danny?

  5. 5
    kyleigh_351
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 8:31 am

    “No I’d say it’s more like True Life: I’m engaged too young. Special appearances by Jason Wahler and the State of North Carolina.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHA…your recaps are awesomely hilarious. DP HOOKER, good call on pointing out Melinda calling herself the strongest girl on the team. I literally LOL’ed when I heard that. Seriously Mel? You? Personally I just want to see how many ridiculous hats the Veteran boys can keep coming up with. And has anyone noticed how “excited” they get everytime a new clue comes in? Especially Kenny…its really funny.

  6. 6
    ReeseWitherspoon
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 9:32 am

    I hate Frank! I actually got excited when he was going against MJ. Much to my chagrin, MJ f*cking lost. I guess all that dip in his mouth has damaged his brain.

    Tori doesn’t bother me, but just the memory of Kina makes me want to vomit. She is a waste product. I never want to see her on another challenge. EVER!!!

  7. 7
    Braps
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 10:59 am

    I love your recaps, McSteeny, but this show is getting hard to watch. There is no one likeable to root for.

  8. 8
    MichyPR
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 11:40 am

    I couldn’t believe MJ f*cking lost. The rookies are so stupid. I’m really starting to dislike Frank and Tori.

  9. 9
    krickle1215
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 12:03 pm

    What a Great recap! You alway make me laugh Mcsteeny.
    I am getting so tired of mtv giving away too much before the challenges…I always look away when they explain the rules.
    And Danny, what a total douche. Maybe if Johanna had added something about sandwiches the conversation would have ended differently…”I don’t speak spanish, wait did she say something about sandwiches? Bitch is alright with me…”
    Looking forward to next week!

  10. 10
    chelle
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Great recap … but definitely agreed, the show is getting more & more difficult to watch.

    I love the drama, but not all the whining! This is the THIRD gauntlet, why don’t they seem to have the concept that its a competition and that everyone is in it for themselves – big surprize? Everyone takes it so personal, wah, wah, wah! Crybabies …

    Will still look forward to next recap … although I really want to hear about using this other guys credit card – well played!! :)

  11. 11
    bonita
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    First of all, without the “team bank accounts” there is no real reason for any team to win each challenge. The truth is, the fewer members on your team in the end, the more money in your pocket. So I really don’t understand why it’s just occured to the Vet boys in the prev ep to start throwing girls’ missions.

    I really can’t remember, any Final Mission in which it was an advantage to have more people on your team. Please tell me if I’m wrong.

    Also, Tori’s a big baby. Jillian was thrown into the freaking gauntlet 3xs IN A ROW and she didn’t not bitch half as much as Tori did for having to go in once. And wtf cares if it’s against your “best friend” (um, I thought Johanna was Mel’s best friend?). It’s a f. COMPETITION — the girls always make me cringe b.c they take this shit so personally.

    Yeah, Tori, Jillian going into the Gauntlet 3xs in a row prob. does mean she won’t have to go in again, if it were up to the Rooks. And if it was Tori who’d gone in 3xs, you’d better bet she’d be telling EVERYONE not to send her in again.

    And as much as I hate Frank, I have to give him props for digging into the sand the way he did. If MJ was smart, he would have done the same —

  12. 12
    HereKittyKitty
    Posted February 29, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    If Frank and Jillian are the only rookies who manage to make it to the end, and then beat the vets in the final challenge, I will be cured of liking the Real World, Road Rules, or any combination of those names.

    Seriously, Frank sucks.

  13. 13
    angiemarie
    Posted March 1, 2008 at 9:01 am

    I only speak douchebag, lol. Another great recap, Chickbomb.

    I hope your prediction is right. I would love to see the vets lose to dorky Frank and tiny, but freakishly strong, Jillian.

  14. 14
    serjen
    Posted March 1, 2008 at 9:24 am

    It’s DrMcSteeny’s recap…not chickbomb.

    I love your recaps- but they are too short! I don’t always watch the episodes and you completely pass over the gauntlets. What were the gauntlets for the girls and guys? Give me more!

  15. 15
    k37744
    Posted March 1, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    semi off-topic…or off episode actually, but if i hear casey rag on the rookies one more time while being reduced to tears at the thought of going on anything HIGHER THAN A STEPLADDER, i’m gonna hurl.

    these chicks give chicks a bad name. as much as i have a love/hate relationship with pirate coral, she at least knows how to compete. could’ve done without the sob story before the beth gauntlet though. suck it up.

    i just can’t believe mj blew it. i had such high hopes. i mean, if you ain’t smart…you best be at least a little strong eh?

  16. 16
    lydecah89
    Posted March 3, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    Team Frillian(Frank/Jillian…for the slow folks) for the win!!!Why so much hate towards these two, they’ve been drama free, engagin in some PDA and kickin ass! Stop hating, haters lol

    I’m actually this season, but i have to vent a few things…

    Yea some of the challenges are totally unfair because of the excess players on the vets team, but oh well….Frank and Jillian are by far my favorite couple of these challenges…

    Fuck Tori and Melinda, what a bunch of bit*hes, the whine and complain and it is clearly unfair if they keep puttin frank and jillian in the gaunlet because the appear weak or you plainly dont like them…

    Neh, you’re a cool brother, but man you was dumB! this challenge work on those logic skills. Clearly frank is the ultimate player because he can excel in physical and mental challenge.

    Danny clearly needs to stop takin those steroids and he’s a prick. I like kenny and evan, funny dudes but have been assholes to the girls this season.

    I like Ev, Brad, Paula, Eric, Robin and CT who is probably the biggest douchebag, but a likeable douchebag lol

    Team Rookies all the way excluding Tori

  17. 17
    LisaMay
    Posted March 3, 2008 at 8:48 pm

    I too am getting sick of the Frank and Jillian romance. And if the Rookies made the decision in the beginning that the gauntlet player could pick their opponet, they should have stuck by that rule.

    Kenny is so funny. Since he is not getting a lot of air time lately, I hope that means he will be around until the finale.

    C.T. keeps talking about trimming the fat, but his girl Diem is part of the fat, what’s up with that?

  18. 18
    ubiquitous
    Posted March 4, 2008 at 2:35 am

    I am so tired of the commentary from the BMP chapter of the “He-man Woman-Haters Club”.

    In addition, I would like to see a moritorium placed on the phrase “cutting the fat” and all its derivations.

  19. 19
    angelic_shy_sweet_guy
    Posted March 5, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    I know it has been said an infinite amount of times, but that’s because it’s so true; Danny really is an idiotic douche bag. As was already pointed out, his team was the one who sent in Melinda in the first place. On top of that, after being outvoted in his own team, he couldn’t fathom the idea of Johanna being outvoted on her team. If that wasn’t enough, when he was talking about Tori saying she wasn’t going to compete, he could’ve just said thank you, but he had to add “tch, go home.”

    Melinda definitely didn’t say it in a sweet way, but the guys sure seemed to take it the wrong way. She said, IF they backstab her, THEN she would backstab them. The only reasons I could think of as to what brought that on was (1) Frank’s whining during the previous female gauntlet, (2) the contact-roid rage she gets from Danny, (3) Melinda hasn’t been known for always saying the right thing at the right time to the right people, and (4) that this would have been Jillian’s “fourth” time (as I pointed out before, it looks good on paper that she went in “three” times, but, really, the only one who fought hardest against her was Angel and, HELLO, one of those times was against BROOKE).

    I also have to defend Tori in that she wasn’t complaining that she was being sent in; she’s said a bunch of times that she was fine going in, but she didn’t seem to want to go in that way (being picked by the team instead of the person going in) and against her friend. Definitely have to disagree about her being the next Kina, too. If anyone deserves that title, it’s Frank.

    Nehemiah totally should’ve gone in the gauntlet, but MJ just proved what I knew all along, which was that he wasn’t all they were cracking him up to be when he first appeared. He was brawn, but I would’ve much rather had Derek there. Seriously, what is up with these rookie guys thinking they’re such hot sh-t after they lose?

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