Gauntlet 3: The Legacy of Coral

This week on The Gauntlet 3 we learn of the heinous violence that is undertaken in Puerto Vallarta restaurants.

Three of Dylan McKay’s bajas were killed in the making of this fajita

We open with a full moon and the beautiful sound of a t-moble sidekick clue. Then we are told that the clues are coming from TJ. Riiiight. This leads me to the following question: Where is TJ when he’s not giving instructions on gauntlets and challenges? Is he held up in some Mexican hotel room playing Connect Four with the camera men and the medics? Does his girlfriend get to come stay with him? I propose that next season TJ gets to mingle and sleep in the same accommodations as the cast. This show could use a little more drama and this way we can see who the first girl to crawl into his bed would be. I say Paula.

Over near the balcony, Ev is saying that the veterans need to get rid of Katie and Coral. Before we get into that though, we need to discuss Evelyn. Forgive me for my crudeness but in my personal opinion there are two kinds of lesbians: The kind that are girls who are attracted to girls, and the kind who I’m convinced were supposed to be born as men, but God just fucked up biologically and accidentally gave the baby boobies and maybe a vajayjay. That anatomically screwed up kind is Evelyn to me. One step above a baby born with elbows for feet.

Anyway, somebody at MTV tips Coral off that she’s about to get screwed over, so Coral comes out to eavesdrop. MTV’s assistance aside, she has seemed very suspicious that people are talking about her for a while now, and she has really lost her sense of security since the last time we saw her. She still comes out with the great lines and the nonchalant attitude, but there’s something paranoid about her that we’ve never seen in her before. Eh, maybe she’s just smoking the ganj.

The next day, Evan tells us that he woke up to find a pissed off Coral. Coral is complaining that she thought Evan was her friend. Cue the flashbacks and the slow music. No really, they had flashbacks with slow music. The flashbacks featured the Fresh Meat season where Coral and Evan were teamed up, and Coral tells Evan that she just likes to have one friend that she can count on in these challenges. As we cut back to real time we can start to see Evan starting to feel bad about how he was treating Coral. To Evan’s benefit, when they first tried to throw Beth into the gauntlet against Coral, Evan was the first one to say that he doesn’t want to send Beth in. Since then though, his loyalty has faded as quickly as his hairline.

The challenge the next day takes place on top of the Peninsula Condo and is called “Over the Edge.” The teams have to walk across a plank suspended above a 300-foot building, climb down a ladder, grab a flag and then return up the ladder and back to the starting point. The team with the fastest combined time wins the challenge. The winning girls of course are safe from elimination, and the winning boys team wins Schwinn motor scooters.

For the couple of you who don’t know, Schwinn happens to be a sponsor for one Thomas Joseph Lavin. So I’m thinking these motor scooters were donated in exchange for TJ wearing Schwinn logo tees all season long. If such is the case, then by all means allow me to tell you that Schwinn is by far the best maker of bikes of all time. I myself buy nothing but the Schwinn for all of my biking needs. Hell, my car is a Schwinn. Schwinn: buy one today. Now, Schwinn, MTV, and/or/TJ Lavin: hook a girl up and throw a motor scooter my way. It will make my trip to work much more fun, and I will love you forever if you do. PS if you’re out of motor scooters an Under Armour challenge jersey with my name on the back will do. Thanks.

The veterans decide that the person with the biggest dick goes first so Evelyn steps up, but not before it scratches its balls and spits. Most of the veteran guys do well, including Adam who completes the whole challenge in 47 seconds. Even Casey sucks it up and completes the challenge announcing that she has conquered her fear of heights. Congrats. Unfortunately I have not conquered my fear of annoying blonde chicks.

CT decides that if the Vets are going to throw the mission someone needs to start falling, so he takes it upon himself to fall in the most blatantly obvious way you can imagine.

Whoops, cahful that ladda’s hahd to climb down

Evelyn cracks a smile but Katie and Coral get pissed and Katie lets us know that she is not idiot. No, sweetie, your downfall is chubby with just a touch of insanity. We know.

Having lost her motivation to help her team, Katie decides not to compete and says she would rather go to the gauntlet than do this. Eh, truth be told, I’d rather see her go to the gauntlet too. Robin tries to help and promises Katie that she will be okay, but Evan yells at her that her ass is on the line. Someone explain to me why Evan cares that Katie isn’t competing when the guys are throwing this mission anyway? Either I’m an idiot or there is no room for rational thinking in Puerto Vallarta. Anyway, Katie doesn’t compete, which results in a DQ and secures the loss for the vets.

During the rookies’ deliberation period, and knowing that she is doomed for the gauntlet, Coral meets back up with Evan, tells him they aren’t friends anymore and then announces she is leaving. It sounds very juvenile I know, but really it wasn’t. I mean, it’s not like she put her trapper keeper in her backpack and walked away in a huff or anything.

Crap, did I grab my pokemon cards?

The rookies choose to save Katie and send in Evelyn. Evelyn gets all tough and manly and gives a speech about how quitting will be Coral’s legacy. Oh shut up he-she, it will not.

The veteran guys announce that they have trimmed enough fat at this point so they don’t really want to vote for a girl that they actually like. Eventually CT bucks up and gets people to vote. It looks like Casey is on her way in, so she decides to volunteer herself, but first she goes on a rant that “Coral has been screwing people over for 18 years and she should stop doing challenges and get real job, lady.” And now I must go on a rant of my own.

I’m just as disappointed to see Coral leave that way. I don’t think she should have quit like that, I expected more, but fuck Casey. She’s been around for like 2 years and suddenly thinks she has some right to speak about the challenges like she’s a huge part of them. Casey sweetie, here’s a little advice from your Aunt McSteeny:

For one, you look ridiculous doing all of your trash talking while safe in the confessional instead of to people’s faces. Two: don’t fuck with Coral. She has been involved in some of the greatest Challenge moments in history. You could only wish the world will be interested enough in you 7 years from now to still want to see you on TV. Coral is part of the reason the show became so popular in the first place and has stayed on air for so long. So Coral is part of the reason the show continued long enough to get your little Fresh Meat ass on television in the first place so you could blow guys in front of the whole nation. You’re going home. Get over it. This isn’t the love boat. (PS, I really really hope that they have reunion show so Coral can chew Casey out after hearing her rant, cause I would love to hear Coral rip into her. I ‘d actually kill for an interview with Coral right now.)

Casey and Evelyn face off, and the wheel lands on Ball Brawl. Again. Seriously, is the wheel functioning properly? The next few moments consist of Evelyn steamrolling over Casey in a manner that is overly aggressive and somewhat disturbing on a level equal to the likes of this.

Casey loses, and the vets throw her up on their shoulders. Which is kinda convenient, because I’ve always wanted an answer to the question: what kind of idiot would allow people to celebrate her for sacrificing herself for a bunch of people who would not have done the same for her. And now I know. Hip-hip… go away.

Quick, carry me along side that cow clapping his way to the slaughterhouse

Over in the rookies’ hut, Ryan and Nehemiah are talking about how they have the dream team. Um…okay, Nehemiah. First: speaking of dreams, that hideous blue headband of yours will give me nightmares for the next week and half. Maybe two weeks. And second: tell me, what is the weather like in the fine state of Delusional?

I realize I sound like a frat brother right now, but can we get some drunken partying and regretful sex for God’s sake? I mean really, let’s be honest, why are we here? If I wanted to watch a tranny level a bimbo in a 7th consecutive round of ball brawl I’d go to down to the Village.

Finally we get some fun drunken partying again. Everyone is playing flip cup and then Frank starts wrestling with Kenny. The wrestling match, like most wrestling matches between guys, goes from joking to serious, and Kenny ends up hurting his foot. Kenny winds up at the hospital where some shady Mexican doctor who works out of a wedding reception hall tells him she’ll give him medication and an anti-inflammatory. And whatever “trabajo de mano” translates to. All I know is Kenny came back happy.

Kenny is fine to compete the next day and he tells us it’s because he is a gorgeous machine, which I love. I know lots of people don’t like Kenny’s fake ego, but I find it very entertaining. CT chimes in warning that “Kenny’s foot is a little tendah, so he’s gonna be a tahget if we lose. Honestly, can we get a translator in here? I was having an easier time understanding the shady Mexican caterer doctor.

The second challenge is called “Mexican blanket” where they roll the players up in, well, a Mexican blanket. The point of the challenge is to be rolled up in the blanket and then roll across the course from the start line to the finish line. Perhaps the junior college interns MTV hired to come up with these challenges could switch with the 6 year Mexican children MTV hired to name these challenges, so that the kiddies can really start doing their 6 cents worth of work. Just a suggestion.

The vets win by using a strategy where they double team the rookies and block them from getting across the sand. In the end it comes down to the wire, but the vets pull ahead and beat the rookies. When it’s over, Danny tells us this challenge was difficult to him because “I’ve never tried to hold a girl down while being wrapped in a blanket before.” No Danny, you strike me as a “roofie their drink so they pass out, then bring them back to your Chevy Blazer” kind of a guy.

The vets announce that they will save Frank; Which is a good thing because Frank just got out of the shower and gelled his hair straight back, and if the casting director of Grease 3 happens to come around looking for the next Danny Zuko he doesn’t want to be sandy.

Nehemiah is announced as the person getting thrown in, so he proceeds to jump around and get his adrenaline pumping. He looks like he’s heading into the NCAA finals and really wants to be featured in that montage in the end of the game where they show highlights of March Madness and play “One Shining Moment” in the background.

They wind up throwing in Ryan, and the wheel lands on the game “Ram it Home.” And not the way Ryan wants it to mean. Ev doesn’t think Ryan has a chance, but then again, Evelyn shits bigger than Ryan. The gauntlet is actually closer than we might think, as Ryan puts up a good fight for a while.

Cut to Kenny in the confessional. talking all this trash about Nehemiah and how Nehemiah barks about how tough he is but ” brotha you better check yourself, cause you look like hell out there. If Ryan beats you it’s gonna be a sad day.” Yes, yes almost as sad as a day in which you go to the hospital with no real injury like a big baby.

Ow, Fwank you’re hurting my toesie woesies

Sorry Kenny, I love you, but those in glass houses shouldn’t throw ghastly gigantic boulders. Oh, and they should probably leave “check yourself” in the early nineties where it belongs, before Ice Cube comes and beats their gorgeous machine of an ass.

Then Kenny calls the rookies a “withered band of misfits,” suggest that MTV send in the US Army to challenge them, and finishes by saying there’s no way this shabby ass team can beat us in the final challenge. Which in MTV talk translates to: “the rookies win the final challenge.”

Ryan is upset that he lost but he’s “not the blubbering mess he thought he would be,” so at least he didn’t embarrass himself. Then he tells us that the rookies really are the true sense of the word underdog, walks away, and does two of those jump kind of moves where you leap and click your heels together in the air. So much for not embarrassing himself.

We close with Robin and Katie back at the bunks and Katie is saying that if the guys throw the mission tomorrow, then she is 100% throwing the guys challenge. I don’t quite know if this threat makes sense though, because if the guys throw the mission then Katie will be sent into the gauntlet because she can’t be saved next week. She’ll never win the gauntlet, so she really wouldn’t have the opportunity to throw the guys mission, because she’d already be gone.

Anyway, Robin tries to talk her out of it, but I’m not sure what she said because I was taking note of Robin’s gigantic boobs. Don’t they look much bigger this season? I don’t know if they were always this big, or what. Anyway, when I regain focus Katie is telling Robin, “I wish you didn’t live in this happy bubble where everyone is so nice, and everyone has huge boobs with hard nipples.” Oh wait, no, that’s just me losing focus again, she just said the part about everyone being nice. Then she gives Robin a lecture on everything she hates about these challenges.

And number 4: that bitch Veronica

I also have to say (and I don’t know if everyone was able to see this part) but post-credits, Ryan does an imitation of Frank that is so dead on it’s unbelievable. I tried so hard to find a video clip of it, but I couldn’t. Anyway, see if you can find it, it’s absolutely hysterical and eerily accurate. Someone find it for me please!!

I paused the preview for next week and it sort of looks like Katie and Paula are in the gauntlet next week, but who knows for sure. Plus Danny effs up and gets all the Vets mad at him, which should be pure enjoyment for all.

Hope to see you there gasmii!