Gauntlet 3: What’s Cooler Than Being Cool?

This week on The Gauntlet 3, we learn some very valuable lessons: Only try to fuck your own team over if you’re 100% sure you’ll do so successfully, Dear God, know when your boyfriend’s got some issues to work out, and don’t let your balls be the first thing to hit the ice water.

The answer was “Ice Cold” by the way

We open where we seem to open every week lately: with a clue. The clue tells us that the players need to cool off. We already know from the previews we saw this week that the players are in a tank of ice water and Diem looks like my vegetarian friend did that time we got her highly intoxicated and told her the next day that she had eaten a hamburger.

I’ve been thinking all week about how this is the worst possible challenge I can imagine. I can’t even go into the ocean, it’s too cold. I’m one of those people who lays out at the beach until I’m too hot to stand the heat, walks down to the water, let the water hit my feet, and then decides maybe I’ll just pour a little luke warm Poland Spring on myself instead. Needless to say, give me a jacuzzi with some bubbles and a glass of Santa Margherita or stick your tub up your ass.

The Veteran guys continue the “dead weight” speeches and are determined to throw the mission to get rid of Katie. Aw, see “trim the fat” was annoying before, but now it’s just mean. In preparation for the big challenge, some of the Veteran guys decide to get team Mohawks to inspire some team unity. Unity huh? Yes there’s nothing like a little team unity on your way into a mission you’re about to throw get rid of your own teammate.

When the teams arrive for the challenge the next morning, the boys are wearing nothing but embarrassingly tight shorts and hideous black shoes. I’m not sure what I think about this ensemble, but there is one thing I am reasonably certain of:

There are a bunch of yoga instructors out there who can only find their tops

The teams are walked into a freezer and told that the challenge requires them to sit in a tank of ice water for various periods of time. If at any time anyone wants to quit, they are free to leave. No sooner than TJ gets this last piece of information out, does CT walk over to the tank, stick his hand in it and then quit. Moments later CT is in the confessional telling us very matter of factly that he quit because he didn’t want to ruin his Mohawk. Then everyone I’m in the room with laughs because we know it was really out of fear of people seeing his pee pee in cold water.

Slowly but surely the vets quit one by one until it’s just Danny versus 4 or 5 of the rookies. I had started wondering what Danny was doing trying so hard, but after seeing Danny pretend to wash his armpits with the ice water, I chalked it up to sheer cockiness. Incidentally, this cocky move worked much better when Wes did it by doing pull ups from the rope while hanging mid air during one of the tougher challenges back during Fresh Meat. Anyway, what we’ve learned here is that if you’re going to attempt cocky, it might be best to wait until after you’ve taken off your spandex shorts and skull cap. Just a suggestion.

Now here’s where the drama starts. The rookies ask Danny what he’s doing still hanging around on a female gauntlet day, and Danny tells them that he’ll quit if they all agree to save him at the next male gauntlet. Ah, tricky tricky, Danielson. But it will never work. Meanwhile, this conversation is accompanied by subtitles so we know exactly what is being said. It’s also how we know we’re going to see this conversation come back up later. MTV loves to use subtitles in their editing when they’re about to make someone look like a liar or a hypocrite. It’s one of the pages in the MTV guide to blatant foreshadowing.

Anyway, back to the freezer. Everyone agrees to The Deal That Was Not a Deal except for Frank, and so the competition must proceed as scheduled. That’s fine by Danny though, because he “can go all day.” I’ll tell you what Mr. Steroid, not with miniature gonads you can’t. Five minutes later Danny quits, walks out of the freezer and collapses into a position that suggests he’s dying of hypothermia….

Or about to start a triathlon

The medics and most of the rookies run over to help Danny and wrap him in blankets. Ironically, I think they were the same Mexican blankets they rolled around in the sand with last week. Are times that tough that you’re reusing blankets MTV? Really? That’s Amore not raking in the dough you expected? Frankly, I’m shocked.

Meanwhile, Frank runs out of the freezer to tell the Veterans that Danny tried to cut a deal with them. The veteran guys get pissed so they decide to ignore Danny’s cramping calves and potentially collapsing lungs and treat him like he’s not on their team anymore. Nice. As long as their acting like 8 year olds, maybe they can steal his chicken nuggets and pick him last for kickball while they’re at it.

In the rookies’ deliberation hut they decide to throw in one of the weaker girls, because the Vets are definitely going to send in Katie, and the Rookies want Katie to win. I’m a little confused about Frank’s intentions here. He’s supposed to be good friends with Katie, and spent part of this episode finding out whom she wants to go against in the gauntlet as if he was doing so for her own benefit. Then he turns around later and says he wants her there in the end to hold the Veterans back. I’m really wondering what Katie will have to say about this when she sees the show air. I’m guessing it will include an angry rage, shouting “I HATE A FUCKING LIAR!” and be followed by a cigarette. Just a hunch.

Anyway, the rookies pick Paula and save Diem. We also come to find out that the rookies promised Diem they would save her on her way out of the freezer and the rookies always keep their word. Well, at least they’re good for something. The Veterans go back to deliberate and Katie makes a big fuss about how she doesn’t want to hear people bullshit her in there, she knows they want her gone and she doesn’t want people pretending to be friends with her. Cut to Robin in the confessional saying she likes Katie, but she’s not sure keeping Katie around is the best for the team.

Wait, you’re not gonna watch this episode right?

Katie and Paul wind up playing Sliders, and Frank and Adam immediately take positions in assisting the girls. Frank walks Katie step by step through each piece in order to help (himself) her, while Adam does the same for Paula. I’m assuming this is the “back- stabbing” Katie referred to earlier when she mentioned Adam’s lack of loyalty. Personally I think Adam knows he’s the smallest man on the team and that there’s a good chance he’ll be voted in at the next male gauntlet unless he proves he’s brings puzzle abilities to the table. But back-stabbing is way more fun, so let’s just stick with that.

Katie loses in the end, and despite her desire to do so, is forced to go home without the opportunity to throw a male gauntlet. Back at the house Danny tries to defend himself by claiming that he never tried to make a deal with the rookies. Then he says it was all a joke. Oooh, Danny honey, the “I was just joking” lie never works. It falls in the same nobody believes it category as “I’ve never done this before” and “no, I don’t care if your ex-girlfriend was pretty.”

In the confessional, Danny tells us that he was misunderstood, but conveniently adds that he’s not the only one making deals with the other team. Cue clips of most of the veterans appearing to be bonding with rookie team members. Danny makes a good point here. This is the classic CT “I’m playing the game and I’m the only one that’s open about it” line that Danny should have gone with inside. Eh, whatever, I still don’t like his bandanas, let’s steal his lunch money.

Later that night the teams are back to drinking, and I’m back to perked up in my chair. Frank and CT are arguing, which Frank claims is a part of a plan to provoke CT in hopes that CT will punch Frank and have to go home. This little trick would have looked a lot tougher on Frank’s part if he didn’t have to stop every few seconds and take a sip of his Bud Light to re-inflate his beer muscles. It’s also pretty useless considering CT only punches gay guys. With the straighties he just gets in their face and yells things like ” I will work you.”

Oh God, I need another sip

As if reading my thoughts, Adam steps in and tries to break up the fight. As he does so, we are pleasantly surprised with a clip from Real World: Paris, which one of my friends calls, “the greatest moment in reality TV history.” I don’t know that I’d agree, but it’s certainly worth re-watching. The clip shows CT and Adam in Paris with their floppy hair and CT is running his “work you” line on Adam, with that classic side to side head bob that looks like a very violent version of a dance they do at The Hop. Adam tries to avoid the altercation, but CT keeps pushing him. Just when I’m starting to enjoy it, the clip is over before we get to the part where CT starts pretending he sent that blonde girl flowers. Damn. Now I know what guys who dig cock-teases feel like.

Cut back to present time, and CT takes his anger out on Adam as he accuses Adam of worrying about the wrong team. Then he dumps a beer on Adam’s head. I know I said CT was kinda hot and all before, but he’s really lost me this season. The bad boy thing can only take you so far. At some point you really just look like a douche. Plus, it has to be acknowledged as an unwritten rule somewhere that “the cocky guy dumping beer on weaker man’s head” is the epitome of the asshole move in almost every single movie.

Congrats CT, you’re Mike Dexter from Can’t Hardly Wait

Diem tries to calm CT down but that’s when CT makes the following disturbing statement, “But I want to be angry. I want to hurt people.” Well, I don’t know about everyone else but I want to call a therapist on your behalf. Seriously, how does Diem date him? I’m legitimately concerned at this point. So concerned in fact, that I’ve started a Save Diem Foundation. Please send all proceeds to McSteeny@gmail.com. Your donation is appreciated. PS these funds may or may not be commingled with the Get McSteeny Drunk Foundation. Where, again, your donations are appreciated.

Before the challenge the next day Frank and Adam are talking and Frank tells Adam that if Adam throws the next mission, Frank will make sure the rookies save him from the gauntlet. Both sides agree, and it appears as though nothing can ruin their devilish plans. Oh but MTV you’d never let that happen now would you?

We proceed to the second challenge which requires the teams to stand on top of a large round circular metal piece of equipment that looks like the top of a UFO, and have to move around until it’s balanced out for a full ten seconds. This challenges proves harder than anyone anticipates, especially for the Veterans who stand around looking at each other. Kenny figures now is as good a time as any to try on his new sunglasses, which I find this hysterical, but apparently Eric does not. Eh, agree to disagree, Easy. Whale’s Vagina, if you will.

After pulling together two rounds in a row, the rookies beat the veterans. Then the rookies jump around, hug each other and frolic about in a manner that makes me feel like they’ve never won anything before.

Oh wait, never mind

The good news is that the rookies each win a Kicker speaker system, but the bad news is that they don’t get the Pontiac Grand Am that I believe is the only automobile capable facilitating such a device. Except maybe for tricked out Honda Accords with purple headlights.

During rookie deliberations Frank tries to stick by his word and pitches the idea of saving Adam. Most of the rookies are against it, except for Jillian who’s not voting because she’s busy photo-shopping pictures of her and Frank to see what their kids will look like.

Johanna and Tori are very much against the idea of sending in Adam, despite Frank’s selling points and intermittent begging. Johanna and Tori say their disagreement is for the good of the team, but I think it’s mostly because they hate Frank and know it will piss him off. MTV hides the rest of the deliberations and brings us to the announcements, and for the first time in a while I’m really interested in the outcome. Alas, MTV pulls a dreaded “To be Continued” and we are reduced to the likes of people who watch 24.

Next week is the finale, and I can’t believe it’s here already. I hope it provides all the drama I’ve been looking for this season. See you at the finish line Gasmii!