Gauntlet 3: Over and Out

The Challenge

By Dr. McSteeny | Tuesday, March 25, 2008 | 11:53 pm | 19 Comments

Tagged: finale, funny, gauntlet, recap, spoof, tvgasm

This week, on the Finale of The Gauntlet 3, Easy almost dies, and part of me wishes Evleyn would. Sound like fun? Then join me after the jump…

I won’t tell you who wins

So this is it. The Finale. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Well, some of us. It’s all come down to this, and I’m supposed to find some way to sum it all up. I’ll tell you, I sat in front of a completed recap 3 days ago, stared at it, shook my head at how bad it came out and went to bed. But why? I couldn’t help but try to blame it on this season of the Gauntlet. I am a huge fan of the show, and I will be forever loyal to it, but there were moments I could have done without, and drama left to be desired. More importantly there was too much shit I don’t really care about.

So I made a command decision, deleted the entire recap and decided to write this last one a different way. Perhaps the way I should have written them all. Without a play by play of every aspect of the final gauntlet and the final mission, and without precise detail. I’m going to talk about the shit that mattered, and leave out the rest of the nonsense. So if you missed the finale and are reading this strictly as a means of finding out what happened, I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell my three illegitimate children: “Don’t rely on me for anything.” Plus, at this point MTV has aired the damn thing 35 times. If you haven’t caught it by now, I question whether your television even gets MTV and quite frankly you have no business being here in the first place.

Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s get down to binness.

We open with the rookie’s announcement of who they will be saving from the last ball brawl and who they will be sending into the last ball brawl. Sorry, I refuse to even acknowledge that there are alternative gauntlet options at this point, since TJ has clearly rigged the wheel so he can watch same sex wrestling. There are some things we must accept as truths Gasmii, and TJ’s conniving homosexual ways are now one of them.

We find out that not only is Adam not being saved as Frank promised, but he’s going into the brawl. So much for Frank’s promises. Frank walks away shamefully while Adam shakes his head in disgust wondering if Frank could possibly be a worse friend.

PS- Frank banged your little sister

Adam is understandably annoyed with the decision, but then he tells us he’s tasting his own medicine, so he’ll just deal with it and win. I lost track of the rest of what he said because I started thinking about how Adam is considerably more likeable now than he was in Paris. This leads me to start wondering why. I commence research and temporarily move on.

Back in the vets’ hut, the vets are deliberating over who they will send in to face Adam. Oddly, the typically big mouthed veteran males are somewhat quiet, which is actually sort of annoying because all of them pretending they don’t want Danny to go in is like Kenny pretending he doesn’t know what happened to the clipper after he used it to shave his pubes.

‘Nuff said

Easy (or somebody like that) steps up and mentions Danny’s name, and so do some of the girls. Knowing he’s fucked, Danny volunteers himself as if he’s being the bigger man and sacrificing himself for the greater good. Yes, Danny, you and the midgets who are kind enough to drink from the low fountain are some our nation’s great martyrs.

The gang reunites, Danny announces that he is going in, and then the whole crew heads out to the big wheel while Danny closes his eyes and prays to God that both of the “Spin Again” spots have been replaced with a game called “Hide the Needle Tracks”

When they get Ball Brawl again, TJ gives a quick snicker, and then reminds us of the rules. Then he gives a devious smile and makes a mental note to suggest to producers that next year the players should get extra points for pinching each other’s asses.

The horn sounds and we come to discover that not only can Adam win a staring contest, successfully solve puzzles, and take a Corona shower like a champ, but he also happens to be a quick little fucker. He beats Danny to the ball every time and comes away with the win. Johanna, Tori and Rachel come out to Danny and try to think of something that can make him feel better. But where could they possibly get an extra small Armani t-shirt and a protein shake at this hour?

Next we see some clips of each player sharing excitement about making it to the finals. Frank tells us again that his team sucks and that the rookies will never win. Way to think positive Frank. The vets gather together for their own pep talk where Evan mentions that they are not racing the rookies they are racing themselves. Then he adds that they are going to bleed, sweat, cry and scream for $300,000.00. He apparently forgot to mention that they will also fight, bitch, moan, and act like greedy disgusting human beings. But more on that later.

Then Evan adds that they are only as fast as their slowest player, and suddenly all eyes are on Easy. Easy takes this time to tell everyone that he knows what they are thinking, but they should get that out of their heads, because he’s not falling, and he’s not quitting, and if he leaves it will be on a stretcher. Well, that last part is true.

The night before the final challenge, CT decides to shave his head, because he doesn’t like the person he’s become in the house. Join the club honey. Anyway, as head shaving commences and CT starts discussing how the cutting of the hair equals the releasing of the inner asshole, the research I started regarding Adam’s change in likeability since Paris takes a monumental turn. A few calculations a couple of hours later, my research was complete and I now present you with my findings on male cast members, which you will be happy to hear have been published with the Department of Isometry and Calculatory Kurtosis:

It all makes sense now

The only person more excited to see CT shave his head than me is Diem, because she knows how hot CT looks with a shaved head. Hot: yes, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t look like there’s a prison bunk in his future….

…aaaaand a rape kit

The next morning we wake to Paula eating some cereal. Then I pause for a moment so that my friend Ceelo and I can argue over how many of the fruit loops come back as full circles when she barfs them up afterwards. Kenny tells us that he got no sleep last night. It’s okay though, cause as of this morning “the blood is flowing,” and he’s got the power of Hulkamania inside him. I’m not real sure how morning wood and the power to bang your daughter’s best friend is really gonna help at this point, Ken, but work with what the good lord gave ya kiddo!

By the way, the name of this season’s final mission is the Army Strong Challenge. Because the Army represents loyalty, integrity and personal confidence, and all of these players are…oh wait. Now I’m confused…was Personal Injury Attorney Strong not an available option?

The teams arrive at the final mission, where Frank is looking quite good in his little blue swim suit. Say what you want to about him, but his body is ridiculous.

The final Challenge is mix of all previous challenges combined, which means a swim, a screw pull, that traveling concrete thing, some ice water and a construction puzzle. Then we are reminded that that all of the players must cross the finish line.

I’m about to get up to get a refill on my popcorn bowl when I’m distracted by a commercial featuring Evan and Kenny who are thanking us for visiting IAMONMTV.com. Now I’m not sure who exactly visits IAMONMTV.com, but I get the feeling it’s the same people who play the Virtual Gauntlet; which are probably also the same people who after seeing my research findings from before, went ahead and googled the name of that kurtosis department I mentioned, to see if it’s real. In which case, I hereby pronounce those people certified members of that department and present you with the official t-shirt of the Department of Isometry and Calculatory Kurtosis:

Wear it proudly

Anyway, the rookies swim the half-mile reasonably well. Easy flops in like a beached whale, does a thirty second back stroke that makes the pregnant women in those pool aerobics classes look in shape, and then gives up. Ever the encouraging force, CT calls him a “quitta” and starts saying that if Easy doesn’t start swimming he’s going to drown him. Here, why don’t you take a D.I.C.K. t-shirt too, CT. Consider yourself the department head.

While CT assaults and batters Easy, the rookies head to the next station which requires them to jump into the ice cold bath tub, take puzzle pieces out and construct a pyramid or something. Who the hell cares really, Easy’s gonna die.

Having resorted to dragging Easy through the water, the vets finish the swim but Easy is in bad shape. He’s so out of breath that he can’t put on his own shoes, which Evelyn so elegantly describes as him “having his fat club feet hanging out expecting people to put his shoes on for him.” Yeah, what a dick.

Know what else sucks Ev? Having to feed babies.

Evan starts yelling at Easy too, until CT stops him, because “it’s only making it worse. You have to encourage him.” Yeah Evan, encourage him. Tell him you’ll cut his fucking feet off.

The vets get to the ice bath tub mission where Easy collapses into the ice water and flops around. When Easy gets out of the tub, he stands around and stares blankly while drinking every Gatorade available in Mexico. Then Easy tells the vets he doesn’t want to be chained with the rest of them. And this is where I really start feeling bad.

The rookies are on the screw pull mission, and are pretty far ahead when their nut jams. I have a Karen Walker from Will and Grace moment where I begin to smile and clap as I bounce on my bed and hope that one of them yells out “we busted our nut.” But alas Gasmii, we have no such luck this evening. Instead they have no choice but to break the pipe and grab the key. I start to wonder if they’ll be disqualified for this. Then I remember that I don’t care, because I’m worried about Easy.

The cameras cut back to the vets who are now basically dragging Easy on his feet with the chains. And this is where the recap stops being funny. No seriously. It’s not funny after this.

Not the “Army Strong Moment of the Week,” CT

Brad is apparently the only veteran with a heart, and is hanging back with Easy and telling the vets to slow down. This enrages CT who starts fighting with Brad, which makes Brad lose it and the tension runs high. Occasionally we get confessionals of Brad telling us what bad shape Easy is in and how this is this man’s life and how Brad would stop for him if he could, and dear god, I don’t think I can watch them drag him any more, please send us back to the rookies.

But they don’t. Instead it gets worse and they drag Easy down a hill where his knees start to buckle and Brad can’t take it anymore. And I’ll tell you what, neither can I. At this point I’m literally yelling at my TV about how awful the veterans are. Easy collapses, Robin starts crying and Evelyn proves why she deserves all the bad things I’ve said about her.

Instead of worrying about Easy’s health, Evelyn starts bitching about losing thirty thousand dollars, and that if she had a choice she’d drag him through the rest of the challenge on his back. And now I am actually having a physical reaction to what is going on. My heart is pounding and I’m furious. See Evelyn, it’s not that I don’t feel bad for the vets or don’t think thirty grand is a lot of money. It’s that you’re a manly disgusting pig.

Thankfully Kenny calms me down a little by making the comment (pointing at Robin) “This one is crying, this one is dying, what the fuck is going on here?” Finally the medics come to help Easy who is taken away on a stretcher, and the vets decide to continue the mission, while Easy heads to the hospital.

Una cerveza, por favor

Right about now the Rookies are at the final station which requires them to dig for a buried chest and remove their team flag, at which point they will win. So they start digging and they keep digging and eventually they have dug a gigantic hole. The bad news is they haven’t found the chest, but the good news is that they found the body of Jimmy Hoffa. So there’s that.

The vets catch up before the rookies have found the chest. The vets start digging, and for a second I start wondering if there are some sort of hospital exceptions to the “leave no man behind” rule.

Moments later, the vets find the chest, start celebrating that they’ve won (apparently they had the same hospital exception thoughts that I had), and they raise their flag. Only no horn sounds. TJ comes out to tell the Vets that they left Easy behind and therefore can’t win. Then he asks the guys if any of them need a hug.

The rookies and I are both relieved. They find the chest, raise their flag and win. As this is happening, I’m thinking back to the episode where Johnny Bananas was telling the vets they need to get rid of Easy. Just as I’m thinking about it, we get the flashback. One thing is for sure, Bananas is out there somewhere laughing his ass off right now. I’m sure Casey would be laughing too, but it’s hard to laugh with a dick in your mouth.

In the end, I think Robin sums it up best by telling us that the male veterans were too afraid to face Easy in the gauntlet, let him slip through, and that the vets only have themselves to blame. All true. On the other hand, Tori would rather chalk it up to karma. Which is less likely but sounds better so I say we go with it. And while we’re talking about past actions, we close with a nice montage of our entire season.

Well, it’s been a season of ups and downs, but all in all I’ve enjoyed the ride, and I think that in the end, things worked out just as they should have. Thanks for playing along gasmii. See you after the reunion!

Comments (19)
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19 Comments

1

KellyT

Posted March 26, 2008 at 5:35 am

Ugh, I did not feel bad for Eric at all. He got himself into that situation – what did he expect? But I did enjoy the fact that all the vet guys did not receive money. All those times they kept referring to “cutting the fat” – they should have been focusing on the literal fat – Eric!
2

MrsBojangles

Posted March 26, 2008 at 5:48 am

Usually the challenge series drags on and on, and I usually get lost, then give up. However this particular season, I was able to stay interested. I loved this finale especially.

Having less players in the end came in handy just like everyone sort of thought it would.

What I never understood was why all through out the season, the evil vet guys were talking about trimming the fat, but they never actually trimmed the fattest person on the show. Even though Casey sucks I’m sure she has more physical endurance than Easy.

All in all, the vet guys made themsleves look like arrogant pricks throughout the season, and it finally came back to bit them in the ass.

Great season!
3

chunkymonkey

Posted March 26, 2008 at 5:59 am

The sad thing is the reproduction of the actual challenges still gave such an advantage to the team with more players that the vets easily could have won if they had walked it or taken a real break to let easy catch his breath. I actually think one of the veteran guys made that point and he’s right- a half a mile really isn’t that far and the difference between an exhausted teams (rookies) admirable but probably slow jog and another teams steady powerwalk is minimal. My skin crawled all season as these giant douches (even the ones with short hair managed to break the curve) talked about trimming the fat this and that but in the end the fraternity ties/cowardice about facing a few hundred pounds in the gauntlet/ their own horrible problem solving skills and lack of compassion for their friend cost them the final mission. Saw what you will about coral katie and beth but none of them would have actually been a disadvantage in the final mission. well maybe katie as a smoker but she would have done better than easy.
4

lydecah89

Posted March 26, 2008 at 6:04 am

YAY ROOKIES! actually YAY Frank, Jillian, and Nehemiah…i dont really care for Tori, Jo or rachel who are pretty weak!

Im glad the rookies won, it was clearly stated as an Army strong challenge everyone must be at the finishline!

Robin, (Who looked incredibly HOT this season) said it best that the males were too chicken to face him in a gaunlet and looked what happen.

CT and Brad truly impressed me the finally challenge. Even tho they were at two extremes when it came to Eric, they both cared. CT was trying as hard as he can to motivate Easy who was sucking ass in the beginning of the final mission. And i like how he told Evan to shut up and stop yelling, and to encourage him. Ct gained my respect while Brad was truly concerned with Eric’s health, but you cant baby the man, Eric said he can handle the final mission and put 110% so CT had a right to push his lard ass as hard as possible to win money!

anyway it was a good overall season, i enjoyed it and glad Frank, Jill, and Neh made off with some money. Hopefully, hollywood can live up to this sudden hype.
5

Poopsicle

Posted March 26, 2008 at 7:12 am

I can’t believe were supposed to feel bad for Eric. He knew what he was getting into. The vets should of realized their weakest link was their fattest link and at least attempted to get rid of him from the start. Coral or Beth would’ve been better for the team in the end, so it looks like karma bit the vets in their asses.
6

yankeesfan

Posted March 26, 2008 at 7:34 am

CT is such a hypocrite! Yes, he was encouraging Eric at some points, but at some points he was screaming and being a complete ass to him. I can’t believe Evan didn’t say anything when CT told him not to yell…I mean obviously it wasn’t making anything better, but CT had no right to say that.
7

MrsC

Posted March 26, 2008 at 8:36 am

Awesome recap. And you were spot on about the reasons to hate Evelyn (Evil Elf) were all valid after watching this. $30K is a lot of money but some things in life are more important. The health and life of a friend should mean more to you than that. These people can do another challenge, go to an autograph signing whatever, whore themselves out another way and get the all important money back. It was disgusting how they were literally dragging him along. I thought MTV should have stopped it sooner, not waiting till the poor guy freakin’ collapsed.

Had they stopped trying to get rid of the girls and looked at who it was they really would of hurt to have at the end, this wouldn’t have happened. Had they kept Johnny B. and thrown Eric in the gaunlet,this wouldn’t have happened. If they had done a fast walk not a run and drag the fat guy till he looks like death,this wouldn’t have happened.

And ain’t karma a beyotch!

And props to especially Brad and even CT (I think his “motivating” just works alittle differently than others) for caring more about a person than money.

Can’t wait for the reunion show!
8

SlickB

Posted March 26, 2008 at 8:45 am

I DO feel bad for eric! That probably was his 110%. And I agree, they could have won by walking. At the digging, it didnt even seem like the rookies were trying and all the time that was wasted while the vets stood around trying to decide what to do about eric (Ev needs to be beaten with a stick), could have caught them up and with so many diggers they would have won. Seriously, Ev is a horrible, evil and cruel manly thing.
9

crazy711jess

Posted March 26, 2008 at 8:52 am

I agree with Mrs. C! I give props to CT for at least trying to motivate Eric. This was an Army Strong Challenge; people in the military get in your face and yell too, so CT’s behavior really wasn’t any different. What was really hurtful to see was Evelyn bitching about losing $30,000 while Easy was lying there struggling to just get some air! If you’re a true team player, act like it through the good and the bad! And it’s true, they actually could have just walked they probably would have won anyway. Did you see how the Rookies were struggling as they dug through the sand at the end? The Vets had way more people, they would have kicked their ass had they just gone a little slower!
10

VegasDarling

Posted March 26, 2008 at 8:52 am

I was soooo angry at the Vets – they could have at least PRETENDED to be decent human beings and STFU about dragging him. I have hated Brad since San Diego, but he definitely redeemed himself in this episode. And EVERYONE KNEW the finale is always an endurance challenge! But of course, they’re all too chickenshit to go against Eric. Smart move, Vet guys. And way to be a bitch Ev – does she even realize how poor and inaccurate her club foot comment was? I hope someone fucking clubs her.

I think Eric would have had so much better of a chance of finishing if the Vets would have just kept a medium but steady pace. But why would anyone on that team use any kind of sense? And I hate that people like Evan, Ev and Kenny are even considered for these challenges – they started on Fresh Meat, not RR or RW. And you know what? They were the biggest assholes this challenge too.

Also, anyone catch Casey’s super racist National Geographic slur about Coral on the previews for the reunion?
11

SpaceVenus

Posted March 26, 2008 at 9:33 am

I agree with pretty much everything everyone said. Easy should’ve known better too – it’s not the Real World where all you do is drink and party, it’s the Challenge. But the vet guys should’ve known better too. Coral is a pretty good competitor at least.
Ev, however, is a horrific despicable pig.
Evan has completed his transformation into a huge douche.
Tori is totally turning into Kina with her misshaped crooked mouth.
12

hollabackboy

Posted March 26, 2008 at 9:34 am

I think this was a perfect example of karma. The veteran guys [and that includes Evelyn] proved them selves to be horrible human beings. They schemed and plotted and backstabbed throughout this whole game. Yet they were all too scared to just get rid of Eric. He is big, but it’s not like he’s that athletic. I’m sure someone could have taken him in a Gauntlet. They had their chance, and they blew it. Johnny, although I’m not a huge fan of him, was right about throwing Eric in the Gauntlet. He was total dead weight. Except for Brad and surprisingly CT at times, no one genuinely cared about Eric’s health during that final mission. I literally wanted to jump through the screen when Evelyn said “We’re losing 30,000 dollars”. What a heartless bitch. Eric could have died. And I found it funny that no matter what, they couldn’t win because Eric was in the hospital. Karma is a bitch, folks!
13

hoboscooter

Posted March 26, 2008 at 10:27 am

Great recap. Too bad the final challenge sucked. Did MTV run out of ideas or just get lazy? They merely regurgitated tasks already performed throughout the season. Boring!!! And Easy would have really been screwed if the final was anything like the last Inferno or Fresh Meat. Those finals were really tough. I’m glad the rookies won but wish they had beaten the Vets without the vets being disqualified. What I’m really curious about is – did the Vets really believe they won when putting up the flag – especially when TJ announced at the beginning that all players must finish? I feel like the vets surprise at being disqualified was staged. It didn’t make any sense, especially when they were so mad that Easy couldn’t finish.
14

User Name

Posted March 26, 2008 at 10:40 am

I forgot to mention that I loved some of the captions.

“Uno cervesa, por favor” for Easy in the hospital was perfect!
15

ReeseWitherspoon

Posted March 26, 2008 at 5:03 pm

I hate Eric. I have hated him ever since he was on the first episode of Fresh Meat acting like an idiot and slapping his ass. I have to say that I loved every minute of that finale. He had no business being there AT ALL. And to give that holier-than-thou speech to Johnny Bananas. No way, foo. He got what he deserved. For that matter, so did the veteran guys. They should have booted him ages ago. I can’t stand Rachel or Johanna, but I was actully glad to see them get the money instead of the vets. Oh well!

I also have to say that I like Evelyn and you can’t really fault her. She’s no idiot and she’s probably been thinking all along that they should show Eric the door, but no one would. Then at the end, she knew what was up. I’d be frustrated, too. Apparently all he did was drink and act like a ass and now he’s costing them 30K, too. I’d be mad and so would you. Try and deny it. We all know people like Eric and when something happens to them, it’s hard to feel sympathy. And you know I’m tellin the truth. Okay? Okay.
16

k37744

Posted March 26, 2008 at 5:03 pm

vegasdarling, i too never expected to like our boy brad, and yet this gauntlet left him and adam as the only truly likable vets.

now that’s a wedgie, son.

ct’s brand of ‘encouragement’ made my stomach hurt. he certainly started off good with the “c’mon, let’s go buddy!” but quickly dove straight into the crapper with the “i’ll fucking kill you” thing.

mcsteeny, your research is so dead-on i think a government grant is coming your way. your next task would be to figure out why evan’s hair hasn’t changed a bit since fresh meat and yet his douchebaggery has compounded ten-fold.

AND ANOTHER THING…someone please tell me that robin was crying because she was exhausted and was worried about easy…because the jist i was getting was that she was upset about not getting any damn money. c u next tuesday chubbs.
17

HereKittyKitty

Posted March 27, 2008 at 6:41 am

McSteeny, thank you for solving once and for all why I end up dating douchebags… I like long hair!
18

margottenenbaum

Posted March 28, 2008 at 10:55 am

I agree with Reese.

Plus, come on, there’s no way Eric would have DIED. He was out of breath and fat people are not good at pushing through the pain when they are “exercising”… hence, their fatness.
19

Anonymous

Posted March 31, 2008 at 10:45 am

Two or three of the gauntlets favored Eric, Force Field, Ankle Breaker, and maybe Ram It Home. Sliders could go either way (depending on Eric and whether Frank can help well enough). That leaves Ball Brawl (and even that’s iffy whether whoever will be super-winded if Eric manages to tackle him). So, they were right to be scared to face him, but not expecting to have to pay the piper for that decision is absolutely foolish.

They didn’t even need to slow their pace all that much if they’d just helped him along, one guy on each arm (even that dumbsh-t tranny b-tch, Ev, could take a turn). Yelling and screaming “motivation” makes no sense (it doesn’t matter if that’s how they do it in the army since I’m sure they are smart enough to know that they need to carry whatever or whomever they need to in order to complete a mission more). You’d have to be idiotic to not know that Eric doesn’t have the same endurance and you’d have to be blind to not see that he was giving his all already, so what’s the point in wasting the energy that way rather than just carrying him some? All the people blaming Eric for the vets lost are complete morons; they lost because they were total f-cktards.

margottenenbaum, don’t be a sh-thead if you don’t know what your talking about. He could’ve been suffering from hyperthermia or heat stroke, which can be fatal. ReeseWitherspoon, you can definitely fault Evelyn for being all talk and testosterone. If she had any brains, she WOULD have helped carry Eric BEFORE he went down rather than bullsh-tting about it AFTER he went down. If she didn’t want him there, she should’ve thrown guy gauntlets and tried to convince everyone (or, at least, the girls) to try to get rid of him. He didn’t make everyone believe he could make it to the end, they convinced themselves because they were too stupid.