This week, on the Finale of The Gauntlet 3, Easy almost dies, and part of me wishes Evleyn would. Sound like fun? Then join me after the jump…
I won’t tell you who wins
So this is it. The Finale. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Well, some of us. It’s all come down to this, and I’m supposed to find some way to sum it all up. I’ll tell you, I sat in front of a completed recap 3 days ago, stared at it, shook my head at how bad it came out and went to bed. But why? I couldn’t help but try to blame it on this season of the Gauntlet. I am a huge fan of the show, and I will be forever loyal to it, but there were moments I could have done without, and drama left to be desired. More importantly there was too much shit I don’t really care about.
So I made a command decision, deleted the entire recap and decided to write this last one a different way. Perhaps the way I should have written them all. Without a play by play of every aspect of the final gauntlet and the final mission, and without precise detail. I’m going to talk about the shit that mattered, and leave out the rest of the nonsense. So if you missed the finale and are reading this strictly as a means of finding out what happened, I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell my three illegitimate children: “Don’t rely on me for anything.” Plus, at this point MTV has aired the damn thing 35 times. If you haven’t caught it by now, I question whether your television even gets MTV and quite frankly you have no business being here in the first place.
Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s get down to binness.
We open with the rookie’s announcement of who they will be saving from the last ball brawl and who they will be sending into the last ball brawl. Sorry, I refuse to even acknowledge that there are alternative gauntlet options at this point, since TJ has clearly rigged the wheel so he can watch same sex wrestling. There are some things we must accept as truths Gasmii, and TJ’s conniving homosexual ways are now one of them.
We find out that not only is Adam not being saved as Frank promised, but he’s going into the brawl. So much for Frank’s promises. Frank walks away shamefully while Adam shakes his head in disgust wondering if Frank could possibly be a worse friend.
PS- Frank banged your little sister
Adam is understandably annoyed with the decision, but then he tells us he’s tasting his own medicine, so he’ll just deal with it and win. I lost track of the rest of what he said because I started thinking about how Adam is considerably more likeable now than he was in Paris. This leads me to start wondering why. I commence research and temporarily move on.
Back in the vets’ hut, the vets are deliberating over who they will send in to face Adam. Oddly, the typically big mouthed veteran males are somewhat quiet, which is actually sort of annoying because all of them pretending they don’t want Danny to go in is like Kenny pretending he doesn’t know what happened to the clipper after he used it to shave his pubes.
Easy (or somebody like that) steps up and mentions Danny’s name, and so do some of the girls. Knowing he’s fucked, Danny volunteers himself as if he’s being the bigger man and sacrificing himself for the greater good. Yes, Danny, you and the midgets who are kind enough to drink from the low fountain are some our nation’s great martyrs.
The gang reunites, Danny announces that he is going in, and then the whole crew heads out to the big wheel while Danny closes his eyes and prays to God that both of the “Spin Again” spots have been replaced with a game called “Hide the Needle Tracks”
When they get Ball Brawl again, TJ gives a quick snicker, and then reminds us of the rules. Then he gives a devious smile and makes a mental note to suggest to producers that next year the players should get extra points for pinching each other’s asses.
The horn sounds and we come to discover that not only can Adam win a staring contest, successfully solve puzzles, and take a Corona shower like a champ, but he also happens to be a quick little fucker. He beats Danny to the ball every time and comes away with the win. Johanna, Tori and Rachel come out to Danny and try to think of something that can make him feel better. But where could they possibly get an extra small Armani t-shirt and a protein shake at this hour?
Next we see some clips of each player sharing excitement about making it to the finals. Frank tells us again that his team sucks and that the rookies will never win. Way to think positive Frank. The vets gather together for their own pep talk where Evan mentions that they are not racing the rookies they are racing themselves. Then he adds that they are going to bleed, sweat, cry and scream for $300,000.00. He apparently forgot to mention that they will also fight, bitch, moan, and act like greedy disgusting human beings. But more on that later.
Then Evan adds that they are only as fast as their slowest player, and suddenly all eyes are on Easy. Easy takes this time to tell everyone that he knows what they are thinking, but they should get that out of their heads, because he’s not falling, and he’s not quitting, and if he leaves it will be on a stretcher. Well, that last part is true.
The night before the final challenge, CT decides to shave his head, because he doesn’t like the person he’s become in the house. Join the club honey. Anyway, as head shaving commences and CT starts discussing how the cutting of the hair equals the releasing of the inner asshole, the research I started regarding Adam’s change in likeability since Paris takes a monumental turn. A few calculations a couple of hours later, my research was complete and I now present you with my findings on male cast members, which you will be happy to hear have been published with the Department of Isometry and Calculatory Kurtosis:
It all makes sense now
The only person more excited to see CT shave his head than me is Diem, because she knows how hot CT looks with a shaved head. Hot: yes, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t look like there’s a prison bunk in his future….
…aaaaand a rape kit
The next morning we wake to Paula eating some cereal. Then I pause for a moment so that my friend Ceelo and I can argue over how many of the fruit loops come back as full circles when she barfs them up afterwards. Kenny tells us that he got no sleep last night. It’s okay though, cause as of this morning “the blood is flowing,” and he’s got the power of Hulkamania inside him. I’m not real sure how morning wood and the power to bang your daughter’s best friend is really gonna help at this point, Ken, but work with what the good lord gave ya kiddo!
By the way, the name of this season’s final mission is the Army Strong Challenge. Because the Army represents loyalty, integrity and personal confidence, and all of these players are…oh wait. Now I’m confused…was Personal Injury Attorney Strong not an available option?
The teams arrive at the final mission, where Frank is looking quite good in his little blue swim suit. Say what you want to about him, but his body is ridiculous.
The final Challenge is mix of all previous challenges combined, which means a swim, a screw pull, that traveling concrete thing, some ice water and a construction puzzle. Then we are reminded that that all of the players must cross the finish line.
I’m about to get up to get a refill on my popcorn bowl when I’m distracted by a commercial featuring Evan and Kenny who are thanking us for visiting IAMONMTV.com. Now I’m not sure who exactly visits IAMONMTV.com, but I get the feeling it’s the same people who play the Virtual Gauntlet; which are probably also the same people who after seeing my research findings from before, went ahead and googled the name of that kurtosis department I mentioned, to see if it’s real. In which case, I hereby pronounce those people certified members of that department and present you with the official t-shirt of the Department of Isometry and Calculatory Kurtosis:
Wear it proudly
Anyway, the rookies swim the half-mile reasonably well. Easy flops in like a beached whale, does a thirty second back stroke that makes the pregnant women in those pool aerobics classes look in shape, and then gives up. Ever the encouraging force, CT calls him a “quitta” and starts saying that if Easy doesn’t start swimming he’s going to drown him. Here, why don’t you take a D.I.C.K. t-shirt too, CT. Consider yourself the department head.
While CT assaults and batters Easy, the rookies head to the next station which requires them to jump into the ice cold bath tub, take puzzle pieces out and construct a pyramid or something. Who the hell cares really, Easy’s gonna die.
Having resorted to dragging Easy through the water, the vets finish the swim but Easy is in bad shape. He’s so out of breath that he can’t put on his own shoes, which Evelyn so elegantly describes as him “having his fat club feet hanging out expecting people to put his shoes on for him.” Yeah, what a dick.
Know what else sucks Ev? Having to feed babies.
Evan starts yelling at Easy too, until CT stops him, because “it’s only making it worse. You have to encourage him.” Yeah Evan, encourage him. Tell him you’ll cut his fucking feet off.
The vets get to the ice bath tub mission where Easy collapses into the ice water and flops around. When Easy gets out of the tub, he stands around and stares blankly while drinking every Gatorade available in Mexico. Then Easy tells the vets he doesn’t want to be chained with the rest of them. And this is where I really start feeling bad.
The rookies are on the screw pull mission, and are pretty far ahead when their nut jams. I have a Karen Walker from Will and Grace moment where I begin to smile and clap as I bounce on my bed and hope that one of them yells out “we busted our nut.” But alas Gasmii, we have no such luck this evening. Instead they have no choice but to break the pipe and grab the key. I start to wonder if they’ll be disqualified for this. Then I remember that I don’t care, because I’m worried about Easy.
The cameras cut back to the vets who are now basically dragging Easy on his feet with the chains. And this is where the recap stops being funny. No seriously. It’s not funny after this.
Not the “Army Strong Moment of the Week,” CT
Brad is apparently the only veteran with a heart, and is hanging back with Easy and telling the vets to slow down. This enrages CT who starts fighting with Brad, which makes Brad lose it and the tension runs high. Occasionally we get confessionals of Brad telling us what bad shape Easy is in and how this is this man’s life and how Brad would stop for him if he could, and dear god, I don’t think I can watch them drag him any more, please send us back to the rookies.
But they don’t. Instead it gets worse and they drag Easy down a hill where his knees start to buckle and Brad can’t take it anymore. And I’ll tell you what, neither can I. At this point I’m literally yelling at my TV about how awful the veterans are. Easy collapses, Robin starts crying and Evelyn proves why she deserves all the bad things I’ve said about her.
Instead of worrying about Easy’s health, Evelyn starts bitching about losing thirty thousand dollars, and that if she had a choice she’d drag him through the rest of the challenge on his back. And now I am actually having a physical reaction to what is going on. My heart is pounding and I’m furious. See Evelyn, it’s not that I don’t feel bad for the vets or don’t think thirty grand is a lot of money. It’s that you’re a manly disgusting pig.
Thankfully Kenny calms me down a little by making the comment (pointing at Robin) “This one is crying, this one is dying, what the fuck is going on here?” Finally the medics come to help Easy who is taken away on a stretcher, and the vets decide to continue the mission, while Easy heads to the hospital.
Una cerveza, por favor
Right about now the Rookies are at the final station which requires them to dig for a buried chest and remove their team flag, at which point they will win. So they start digging and they keep digging and eventually they have dug a gigantic hole. The bad news is they haven’t found the chest, but the good news is that they found the body of Jimmy Hoffa. So there’s that.
The vets catch up before the rookies have found the chest. The vets start digging, and for a second I start wondering if there are some sort of hospital exceptions to the “leave no man behind” rule.
Moments later, the vets find the chest, start celebrating that they’ve won (apparently they had the same hospital exception thoughts that I had), and they raise their flag. Only no horn sounds. TJ comes out to tell the Vets that they left Easy behind and therefore can’t win. Then he asks the guys if any of them need a hug.
The rookies and I are both relieved. They find the chest, raise their flag and win. As this is happening, I’m thinking back to the episode where Johnny Bananas was telling the vets they need to get rid of Easy. Just as I’m thinking about it, we get the flashback. One thing is for sure, Bananas is out there somewhere laughing his ass off right now. I’m sure Casey would be laughing too, but it’s hard to laugh with a dick in your mouth.
In the end, I think Robin sums it up best by telling us that the male veterans were too afraid to face Easy in the gauntlet, let him slip through, and that the vets only have themselves to blame. All true. On the other hand, Tori would rather chalk it up to karma. Which is less likely but sounds better so I say we go with it. And while we’re talking about past actions, we close with a nice montage of our entire season.
Well, it’s been a season of ups and downs, but all in all I’ve enjoyed the ride, and I think that in the end, things worked out just as they should have. Thanks for playing along gasmii. See you after the reunion!