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Wednesday, December 21, 2005
3:28 pm
57 Comments
Here’s what I like about The Gaunlet 2, or actually the entire Real World/Road Rules Challenge franchise: no matter how silly or boring the challenge — and they’re almost always silly and boring — there’s always one or two drama queens around to spice things up. Case in point: Aneesa. Surely sensing a banshee vacuum now that Jo’s gone, this Chicago alum stepped up and provided us with a colorful tirade that reminded us that no Holiday Season is complete without someone yelling “Suck my dick, BITCH!”Before we get to Aneesa’s epic meltdown, we have to start at the beginning of the episode which brought us the pugilistic scene of David and Alton boxing in their skivvies. All sweaty and barely clothed, this was how I imagined many a gay porn have opened up. Before things could get too randy between these men, Ruthie and Kina stepped up to take a few swings, but not before Ruthie announced, “I’ve been drinking!” Oh really? That’s like me saying, “I’ve been BREATHING.”
Anyway, the two girls donned the oversized gloves, and then impromptu referee Mark Long — he of the almighty faux hawk of doom — laid down some ground rules. “We’re doing this almost like it’s just for fun,” he said as we then cut to Ruthie POUNDING Kina. It was a vicious fight, but like any Jersey Girl after two L.I.T.’s, Kina went down in an instant (rimshot!).
Sadly, just as our bloodlust was truly beginning to boil, this Million Dollar Drunkard scene ended as the girls hugged each other and called it a night. What the hell? No bruises? No paralysis? No Mark Long whispering “Mo Cuishle! My darling. My blood!”
Instead, we followed Kina indoors as she sat with Randy and had a tender moment. You see, they’ve been dating for like five months, and they really really love each other. Awww. Now go away.
The next morning, the teams headed out to a golf course to meet their intrepid leader, T.J. Lavin, who presented the next challenge: “Team Builders.” Basically, this was a three-part event, and teams could not advance until each stage was complete. With new captain/professional alcoholic Derrick in charge, the Veterans were already fretting about their chances. “He’s got a lot of psycho popcorn kernels popping in his head,” remarked Timmy, a man who has a lot of not-funny-and-too-old popcorn kernels popping in his own noggin.
Nevertheless, the first stage of the challenge had teams using tires, planks, and ropes to cross terrain. The catch: no one could touch the ground, or else the whole team would have to start over. Wow, how very corporate retreat team-exercise-y!
Well, the Rookies had a safe and sound strategy for tackling this task. They basically laid down the tires and planks and created a “progressive bridge.” And yes, it was just as fascinating as it sounds. The Vets followed suit, but when resident humorist Timmy accidentally touched the earth with his food of comedic genius, his team was forced to begin again. And no silly face could fix that!
Faced with this dire setback, the Veterans did a little thinking outside of the box — I know, not something you normally hear with this bunch. Anyway, they scrapped the progressive bridge idea and instead used the tires as makeshift boots, which allowed them to trek across the course in no time.
As for the Rookies, they were doing just grand until Alton’s foot grazed the ground. He protested the ref’s call, but it was useless. Poor Alton. You could tell he was really upset because he did a cartwheel or RAGE! Personally, I prefer the summersault of compassion.
Having to start all over, the Rookies then decided to mimic the Vets and use the tires as boots, and because of a logistics situation that’s really not worth getting into, Alton wound up carrying the newly-beefy Danny on his back. And by “carrying,” I mean “staggering, shaking, and nearly falling over right there.” Yes, Alton may have had a 30-pack of abs, but hauling Danny’s prissy ass around was more than he could handle. Luckily, human mule Landon was there to save the day as he trekked out and plucked Danny off the buckling Alton and safely delivered his teammate to the finish line. It was kind of like watching a really lame version of Titanic. Well, actually, not really.
I can’t tell who was enjoying himself the most.
At the next stage, teams had to use a plank to jump over a rope and blah blah blah — all you need to know is that no one could touch the rope. After the Landon/Danny fiasco, the Veterans had taken a huge lead, but when good ol’ Ace grazed the rope with his leap of glory, the whole team had to start over, meaning that it was neck and neck all over again! Oh my god! This is so mildly exciting!
Unfortunately for the Rookies, they squandered this good fortune as the lanky, mopheaded, and generally scowl-inducing MJ hit the rope, causing his crew to completely redo this stage while the Veterans went off and played with balls. Okay, to be fair, they only played with one ball, and they couldn’t even use their hands (that takes all the fun out of it, yes? That’s right. A little testes humor to spice things up!). Basically, the team had to guide a giant beachball across the golf course without their arms, which meant a lot of awkward kicking and head-butting. Then again, what Real World/Road Rules Challenge doesn’t have awkward kicking and head-butting? Sure enough, the Veterans completed this task without problems, and voila! They won $10,000! Yay! I’m so very happy for them and their “I can walk in a tire, jump over a rope, and bounce a ball for $10,000″ careers!
As for those plucky Rookies? Well, we all know what losers get: a free trip to THE GAUNTLET! (Thunder clap! Organ blaring!) And just to rub it in, those oh-so-mature Veteran girls chanted, “Not going to the Gauntlet! Not going to the Gauntlet!” Funny, I was expecting them to sing, “Not going to college! Not going to college!” Oh, I kid. I know several of them have college degrees, and hey, it was sort of amusing hearing that taunting chant. It took me back to third grade! Did I mention they have college degrees?
Back at the compound, the Rookies filed into a room to deliberate their Gauntlet options. Since it was a “Female Gauntlet Day,” team captain Kina would have to face the fire, but against who? This was about to get nasty, and Cameran was not happy about it: “Once we have to start voting our teammates off, then people’s true sides are going to flare.” Do sides flare? I mean, I’ve heard of tensions flaring but never sides. I’ll have to check my English-to-Southern-Belle Dictionary.
Anyway, Cameran was so concerned with disrupting the team morale that she actually martyred herself for the greater good. Yes, Kina announced that Cameran had volunteered to go home, causing Jeremy to tell us, “I don’t understand this.” Wait a second. Who ARE you? Why are on this show? You were on like two episodes of your season! That doesn’t count. Leo and Wren from Real World: Austin have had more screentime than you. And you know what else has had more screentime? Adam’s stupid “Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A B A” shirt. That was amusing the first time you wore it: THREE SEASONS AGO. Ironic t-shirts have really leapt ahead, man. (Says me, still wearing the same ratty t-shirts from 1998.)
Well, even though Cameran was planning on quitting, the kids still had to go through the motions, which meant TJ had to walk in and spin the magical wheel or Gauntlet activities! When the chipper host asked how hard he should yank the wheel, Kina simply barked, “Just spin that shit!” Wow. It was like what I’d always envisioned Pat Sajak to be if he’d only been a twenty-something girl from Paramus.
Anyway, the wheel landed on “Capture the Flag,” and in an attempt to create some sort of suspense, the producers then shoved a few lame interview clips in our face as people like Susie expressed hope that Cameran might not quit after all. Please. Cameran’s so gone, and if you try to get in her way, Susie, she might just wind up suing the island of Trinidad and Tobago. Oh, it’s already been broughten.
At the Gauntlet, TJ congratulated the Veterans on their victory, causing Timmy to literally do a raspberry. Oh, he is FRESH! I hear he’ll be playing Mrs. Goodhue’s 1st grade class next week! Get your tickets now! (Two juice-box minimum).
TJ then called Kina and Cameran down to the sandy depths of the Gauntlet and told them to fetch a flag from atop a cargo net, but Cammy had some bad news: “TJ, we’re going to let you down because I — I’m sorry, this isn’t going to be very interesting, everybody — but I am surcoming.” We still don’t know exactly what “surcoming” means, but we had a feeling it was bad.
“No, you can’t do that. This is The Gauntlet! It don’t go like that!” TJ protested with the sort of disbelief normally reserved for kids finding out the truth about Santa.
Nevertheless, Cameran continued: “I’ve decided to surcome to the gods of the Gauntlet, and I’m going to forfeit myself.”
“Well, somebody’s gotta get that flag,” TJ insisted. He LOVES the flag!
“Is there anybody else that wants to quit?” TJ then asked. “I just want to know right now because it’s letting me down. It’s letting me down.” Aw, guys! It’s letting him down! It’s like his whole world view has been shattered. Somebody’s gotta fix this!
If there was one person more disappointed than TJ, it was Derrick, who commented to us, “I just busted my ass in the previous Gauntlet, and you gonna come up here and be just like ‘I don’t want to do it.’ You know, whatever. Then go home.” Uh yeah. I think that’s the point.
As Cameran officially called it quits, Aneesa reassured her by saying she loved her, but lo! Not everyone can love THE CAMERAN! “You don’t love her. You don’t know her,” snipped Cara from across the Gauntlet. Wow, that was unnecessarily confrontational. Luckily, Aneesa has always been known for her level-headed temper. Surely, she’ll let Cara’s random bitchiness just roll off her back.
“You don’t know who the f*ck I know!” Aneesa sassed back with finger wagging and head weaving. “You can still care about somebody! I wish you would get in the f*cking Gauntlet with me, BITCH. You wouldn’t f*ckin’ leave it. How about it, BITCH?”
“You are so gross,” Cara replied, clearly reaching into her repertoire of 6th grade zingers. (To her credit, Cara wasn’t exactly wrong, but still, she could have done better).
“‘You are like so gross because I lost twenty pounds, and I’m hot now so I feel like I can act any way i f*ckin’ want.’ Suck my dick, bitch!” Aneesa replied as Timmy supplied a heavy stream of dumb, mocking faces behind her back. Look Timmy, you’re not funny. You never have been, you never will be. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just the way it is. Now, please go away.
We then cut to Cara in an interview who commented, “I don’t really understand Aneesa and her personality and the way she screams things.” Yeah, what’s up with that? Why the hell was she screaming at Cara when all Cara did was randomly attack her for no good reason? Stupid bitch. Cara then added, “And how she dresses? Not intimidated by her.” That’s funny because that’s what America says about you! Except, instead of fashion, we’re usually talking about brains.
“And I like purple. And blue’s cool too. And pink! And purple. Did I already say that? Oh look! A butterfly!”
Anyway, Aneesa wrapped up her rant with the ever imposing threat, “I don’t need a Gauntlet, bitch. I will cut you with WORDS!” She then followed up with an interview, saying, “Now, bitch, you don’t know me! You don’t know who I know! You don’t know what the f*ck I’m gonna do to you if I didn’t care about being here.” Wow. Who did she know? And what were they going to do?? Maybe Aneesa was going to have the lesbian mafia take out Cara (after a poetry recital, natch).
Well, someone still had to go fetch that flag; so Kina scrambled up and retrieved it, surely making TJ’s day. As the teams headed back to the compound, a happy Randy noted, “Cameran succeeding [sic -- of course] from the Gauntlet has secured Kina another night of being the captain.” Thank God Cameran surcomed and succeeded!
Later, as Cammy packed up, Cara put on a sad face and said, “I got into a fight over you tonight. What do you think about that? What does that say about our friendship?” Uh, not much actually, especially since you started the fight for no apparent reason. I think the only thing it really says is that you’re attention-starved.
Nevertheless, Cameran pranced out of the house in chipper spirits, and as the taxi ferreted her off to wherever, Kina and Randy huddled near each other and talked about how being viewed as a couple might be a bad thing. Ah, if only we cared. What do you think? Should Cameran have quit?
TV Social
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57 Comments
OMG! I don’t even watch this show, or know who these people are, but that was freekin’ hilarious! I love the caption under Cara’s picture!
Why does Cameran bother signing up for these things? She clearly has no competitive spirit at all and seems very afraid of breaking a nail.
I knew I could count on a screencap of the Alton to Landon “Danny Pass”. PRICELESS!!
P.S. I don’t know Aneesa, I don’t know who she knows, but I sure as hell am terrified of her!
Surcoming? Serceeding? When the producers restock the bar in the house (which I’m sure happens daily) they might want to drop off a dictionary or thesaurus for these kids.
Oh, the drama, it always keeps up coming back for more. Cameran was funny on her RW season, but who knows if she would’ve added to this show. As long as most of the morons stick around, it’ll still be entertaining!
wow, i dont know where to start with this recap. it was awesome, provided that there was NOTHING to work with. this was such a boring boring boring episode!
I’m so very happy for them and their “I can walk in a tire, jump over a rope, and bounce a ball for $10,000″ careers!
well this really puts to shame my “i can walk in a tire, jump over a rope, analyze and draw up stock option plans, incoporate or dissolve corporations, and bounce a ball for $10,000/month” career
no really, i’d much rather spend a day with that giant ball–c’mon it looked fun!
I used to love these challenges but I am so burnt out on them now. Don’t these freaks have a life? What the hell are some of these people from the first seasons of their shows even doing here? Isn’t it pathetic that 40 year olds are partying with 18 year olds?
Its not throwing other people’s clothes in a pool, but Aneesa’s antics will have to do. Would be nice to have seen Aneesa in other challenge shows.
Don’t get me started on that Timmy. He’s old enough to be some of these kids’ Fathers! Go home Timmy, its over, and take that disgusting sloth Beth with you.
I thought slack jawed Ruthie was no longer drinking? She went to school near me, Rutgers-New Brunswick, NJ. Right after the Hawaii Real World aired, one of my friends saw her at a pizza place in town, and thought she was a low functioning special needs adult. He seriously thought she had Downs Syndrome.
And when you look at her face today, she still looks that way. Is she handicapped, or is is just booze?
KH
seriously – who is jeremy? i was thinking the exact same thing. fab recap!
I am sad that Cameron left, the fiance and I agree she is the prettiest girl on any RW ever.
I am pretty sure this season is going to be excellent, in a tivo and then fast forward kind of way… I can’t wait until Beth goes home.
Although there are so many oldies, it is nice not to have the usual hags (ie coral, rachel, veronica) on the same old fights were getting really boring.
i actually liked it when timmy mocked anessa.. it was the only enjoyment this episode got out of me.. except for when i threw up in my mouth a little from kina and randy’s “being viewed as a couple talk”..gimme a break..
I personally love Timmy a lot he’s awesome and funny but that might be because I’m only 15
Why the hell didn’t Landon just take two more tires out to Danny?
I’ll just leave it at that.
Poor Cameran… Didn’t she mean to say “SUCUUMB” not “surcome?” I think she’s a sweet girl, but she only justifies blond jokes!
That caption under the Cara pic was PRICELESS! I’m glad that Aneesa *itched her out. I think Aneesa is a drama queen, but that was funny.
They really need to put an age limit on these shows, don’t you think? Can you imagine a high schooler saying his parents are on The Gauntlet or The Inferno? LOL…
What a toally boring episode. Cam was one of my favorite people pre challenges but she fared horribly last time and didn’t even try this time! Aneesa, however, may just carry us through crazy antics all season.
is say bring back the mean girls!!!!!(rachel,veronica,coral,tina)and it wouldnt kill them to bring back dave mirra too or at least johnny mosley cause that tjlavin guy sucks the big one!!
B-Side can you recap every show on tvgasm?
aneesa is disgusting and i pray she doesn’t decide to walk around naked like she did on her season
that is all
Thank you so much for mentioning Cameran’s “sercumbing.” GAWD! Does the Real World and Road Rules have the same effect on brain cells as certain drugs?
Oh yeah, Aneesa is a scary bitch and I wish that she would have punched Cara.
It takes a lot to make these people gasp, so props to crazy Aneesa and her comment. There’s just something hilarious about a woman saying, “Suck my dick, bitch!” and being somewhat serious about it.
I like how none of them could understand Cameron’s decision… I wonder if they realize that there’s a world outside of the challenges (and well, bar tours).
Anyway I’m with #6. They should put an age limit on these things.
Cameran’s brain couldn’t decide between “succumb” and “surrender” so she just combined them.
I think that the reason that this show isn’t as great now is that
A) I’m getting old, and
B) They focus too much on the drama and the challenges (Uuuggghh- who really cares that much about the challenges). I just like to watch them having fun and partying.
Remember that one challenge in Jamaica (?) Where there was a huricane and they just partied all the time. That is when the show was entertaining, in my opinion. There was a little drama (which is good- Too much drama- BAD). And the focus wasn’t so much on the challenges as on the fun. At least that’s the way I remember it…
God I wish I was Danny, he got to ride both Alton & Danny. HOT!!!
My bad, he rode Alton & Landon. Super HOT!!!
I was wondering the same thing #12 and was all ready to type it when I was scanning the comments. Hmmm, maybe someone just wanted to show off?
Solid recap b-side… You’re my faaaavorite!
Haha! Alton did a cartwheel of rage! I thought I saw that but I thought I was mistaken!
I also noticed that Cameran kept on saying “I’m going to surcome” It was sooo annoying! I think a lot of these real worlders have a problem of trying to sound more intelligent and then they don’t even pronounce words correctly or use them in the right context. Stick with what you know honeys!
I think it’s always gross when a girl says “suck my dick”. It makes me cringe!
Awesome recap though.
i think this show sucks.
AND i think timmy is the funniest person on there.
com’on… him making fun of derrick? HILARIOUS.
the worst part was i’m pretty sure Cam had planned out what she was gonna say, because they kept interrupting her and then she’d start again with the same script. even if she did properly pronnounce succumb, that’s the first time i’ve ever heard of someone succumbing to a deity. a disease yes. a deity, no.
“Not going to college! Not going to college!”
Truer words were never sercecomed.
i have to say, these recaps might be my favorite. although MTV is obviously supplying tvgasm with endless amounts of material to mock, i have to give kudos to b-side for this one. laughed my ass off.
also, i hate to say this – but aneesa will never, ever calm down. usually with someone acting like her, you figure they just need to get laid. but not aneesa. she is an endless stream of PMS-lesbitron-bitchery that is unmatched by anyone in the world.
i remember years ago, she was written up in a few articles for tearing her way through gay clubs in philadelphia with the same finger-wagging sass and psycho-bullshit. although it’s entertaining to no end, in real life i imagine she’s just as crazy as the homeless chicks you pass by in the street that scream about cats and other gibberish. i would put ten to one odds on aneesa living in hole in some subway in roughly five to seven years.
in regards to the alton carrying danny bit of the show- at first, i too was confused. why couldn’t alton, a big strong man, carry danny? then i realized when landon came out there, that alton didn’t have a rope around his tires and actually was having to lift them with his hands. and carry baby danny. so i took a little pity. but not much.
and as for cammy and her made up words, no need to consult your english to southern belle dictionary. i’m southern and she confused the hell out of me with those words. she’s a bad example of a southern girl. but cute as a button, bless her heart.
Does it say something about my love for TVgasm more so than the show when the first thought it my mind when Alton did his “cartwheel of rage” was: “I cannot WAIT to see what TVgasm has to say about that!”
Oh, the ridiculousness that these reality TV “stars” (???) provide us with…
Timmy rocks my fucking world.
Lay off him.
Two words:
Freakin Hilarious!!
Keep up the good work B-side! Your recaps make my day!!
Timmy mocking Aneesa while she doing her spiel was classic and funny. I wonder why B-Side didn’t think it was funny. Nevertheless, hoping to see more high jinks from RW/RR characters.
OK did anyone notice that Cameran looked like a skeleton with mini-shorts on? I always knew she was super-skinny, but she looked almost transparent this time…
God that Ruthie is so goddamned ugly it makes my eyes bleed. I can’t believe that dork on Real world had a crush on her.
Jesus was quite known for his summersaults of compassion. It’s how Christmas started.
Suing Trinidad or Tobago, now surcuming. This season rules.
I am so glad Timmy is back! He is always the one person that keeps me laughing…besides all of you here at TVgasm!
I hate Aneesa..there is no reason to act like that, although Cara should have kept her mouth shut.
I thought Ruthie was supposed to be sober? Guess she thinks she can control it…looks like she’s doing a great job…not.
I wish they would quit asking Beth, Julie, and Aneesa to do these challenges. I am glad the “mean girls” aren’t on this one. I am so sick of their shit. Tonya’s too.
This is going to be a great season!
(PS- when will they find a host with some emotion…although TJ is MUCH better than Monotone Mosely
Is it me or does Ruthie look like Tupac Shakur? But drunk and with oversized boxing gloves on?
HAHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH that tupac shakur comment is DEAD FUCKIN ON!!! haaahahahhahahhahahahhahahahhahahhahahah
Does Cameran suddenly have Paris Hilton-like limbs? Her eating disorder has done her well!
OMG TUPAC YES HAHAHA. she is so fricken ugly.
and let me tell you, the second i started reading this recap i was HOPING that the cartwheel of rage would be mentioned. THANK YOU SO MUCH B-SIDE
THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL NASTY.
RUTHIE NEEDS TO WASH HER GREASY ASS HAIR. ANEESA NEEDS TO COVER UP THAT FROG FACE WITH A PAPER BAG. MJ NEEDS TO SHAVE OFF THAT BUTT UGLY BLUE LAGOON FRO.
I agree that Cameran got skinnier. I saw her a lot in jeans when she was on RW, but I think she’s gotten skinnier. The short shorts add to her skeleton legs!
I was really looking forward to some action with her an Buh-RAD! She was so funny the way she said it.
I agree with Jane (#30). I’m a Southern Belle, too, but I was a little confused by her ditziness.
Was it me, or was Alton especially FINE this episode? He is mighty mighty fine. Can we get some Alton pics on here?
Aneesa is awesome! I love her. You go girl!! She got lots and lots of confidence. Go on girl!!!
“Landon the human mule” made me wet my pants…. gotta go change now thanks for the recap! I heart Timmy!
“No Holiday Season is complete without someone yelling “Suck my dick, BITCH!”"
Hilarious. Great Recap.
Aneesa’s “s– my d—” comment made me laugh… because like.. does she have one?!
I just found out I have a tumor the size of a basketball inside my head. And my boyfriend just dumped me. But Merry Christmas to all of you, pray for me.
i enjoy these comments almost as much as the recaps..keep them coming!…well except for the one above…random
kim m.– not to sound rude, but the human head is smaller than a basketball…
not giada’s
i was listening to a radio station in Philly where Aneesa was on, she said who i think won, and. did u know shes a stripper? im not surpised.. but how the hell did she get hired?!
she must be a stripper for the blind
I love Anessa. She makes watching the Gaunlet 2 more interesting. I dont know why “they” called Derrick a “professional drunk”. He preforms well in missions and he is gorgeous. I think that the whole cast of the Gaunlet this season is cool and very interesting. Some people are always quiet like Susie. Others are loud like Anessa. But all together they make wathcing the show very exciting and nice to watch. I always wait for every Monday so I can see what Anessa is gonna say or what other people are gonna do.
#42(Hater)-you are dead on about Mj’s “blue lagoon” hair! And I thought Christopher Atkin’s career was over! Sorry, Alina(#54), but I hope you were being sarcastic about Derrick-unless maybe you were drinking and that made him gorgeous to you. I’m surprised no one has said anything about the #1 loser/supreme bitch/psycho-hose-beast/reality show whore-and I can’t think of her name, but I’m pretty sure she’s on this one. you know, Veronica’s nemesis-Katie? The one who drank her way through the awful reality star movie-show and Johnnie Fairplay? She’s the ultimate white-trash-needs-a-real-job loser.
okay usually I would totally go against Aneesa in almost every situation because I think she is really fucked up in the head (Not because she’s a lesbian) BUUUUUUT…I give props to Aneesa yelling at Cara. I wanted to say exacty what Aneesa said to Cara. The once “litte goodie two shoes” we use to know, is now a huge ho and think is the best thing that’s happening right now and needed to be bitched at for having such a bad attitude.
Not so sure about Ruthie looking like Tupac…i’ve always thought she looked exactly like Tiger Woods.