Get This Thing Out of My Crotch!

I have decided I am going to start my recap of the latest episode of Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes 2 without the usual complaints about how the men are boring and the women only things keeping the show moving. Then again, I guess by mentioning that I am not going to mention it, I really actually did mention it, which meant I should have simply mentioned it at the beginning in the first place. Oh whatever. Things start off an a high note as Coral and Robin are discussing things over a Slurpee. When I saw Shawn last week with a slurpee, I simply thought the producers had let them off of their compound in order to get something at a 7-11. Even in their secluded spot in Santa Fe, their needs to be a place to get cigarettes, so it wasn’t a stretch to see somebody with a slurpee. To my surprise, it turns out the producers had supplied them with a machine to make their own slurpees. I guess they feel that anybody surviving the liver disease they acquired by drinking so much on the show would fall to their deaths from the insular shock(or “too much sugar” to use the parlance of our times) of drinking corn syrup and food coloring all of the time.What kind of argument happens around a slurpee machine? Well, the kind of argument that Coral likes to start, of course. Coral has become a little leery at all of the independent voices in the house that may not think she is entitled to make it to the end without contention. No, some of her team actually had the guts to think about playing the game fair. This juggernaut going after the Coral included Robin, Ibis, and Aneesa. Katie wanted to stick it to Coral because Coral had Veronica on her side, and she and Katie are pretty much mortal enemies, despite all the talk about them not hating each other. Now, we know that Aneesa, at least from her previous votes is not so much about fairness as she is about keeping with consensus. And Ibis? She also made her decisions based on what would antagonize the least amount of people. This new groups wasn’t really all high and mighty, but once a lot the women saw how a couple of people basically conspired to get rid of Angela, they opened their eyes.

I must mention the guys because the producers decided that since the show was in its seventh week, it was OK to clue everybody in on the fact that there were two apparently single gay men on the same Bunim/Murray reality show! Yes, Nick and Shane were happy talking about how it was great having somebody who shared their same experiences around at the same time. Sitting around the table, they got a lot of advice about the struggle for gay rights and indentiy from, uh, Eric Neis? Apparently afraid that they were putting too many gay people on at the same time, the producers left off Dan, perhaps because they wanted to keep the level of discourse up, and not degenerate into what you did after you were caught pleasuring yourself in an adult movie theater. Bunim/Murray is always looking to keep the level of discourse on their shows high. Since nary a word has been mentioned of Nick or Shane during this season, I figured they were setting us up for one of them to go home. But first they had to go about that messy business we have now come to know as “humiliating the girls in every competition possible”.

The name of this week’s game was “Fill Er Up”, and the teams were instructed to wear bathing suits underneath their normal clothes, so things had to be going absolutely CRAZY! Although the challenge didn’t involve much strategy, despite Jonny Mosely saying the team leaders would be an important in the game, it was definitely one of the more gross challenges to date. Thankfully my chinese food hadn’t arrived yet (oh man, are the TVgasm offices running low on food), so I didn’t get sick myself. The teams chose one person to be slathered from head to toe in honey while laying down in a plastic coffin. Once nice and sticky inside the coffin, their teammates would then cover them in several thousand maggots(super worms they call them now) and cockroaches. These cockroaches were like nothing nobody has seen, or at least Ibis has never seen. I found it strange that she was in South America all of that time in that pig sty of an RV and never encountered a roach like she saw during the challenge. Roaches are everywhere in the third world. Some of them carry away kids in the night. That’s the reason people use bug nets when in the tropics, not for some silly idea that it will protect against mosquitos carrying malaria.

But wait. THERE’S MORE!

Once their friend was covered in bugs, the rest of the team members would have to use their mouths to pick the bugs off of the honey trap and chew them up enough so that they could spit them through a tube connected to a bucket. The first team to fill their bucket to a certain point won, and anybody using their hands would get a one minute penalty. The men, of course, had little problem picking their leaders, and chose Nick, Frank, and Eric out of a hat. The women had a little problem. Rachel stepped up right away, and Katie felt it was her turn to go up. But something happened. Rachel was recruiting for a third leader and said something to the effect of “Come on, somebody has got to be a leader with Katie before she goes home”. Katie knew that something was awry and decided that she wasn’t going to be the sacrificial lamb to be eliminated when the girls lose. She immediately backed out, which caught Rachel much consternation. How dare Katie catch on to Rachel’s scheme to get rid of her and actually do something about it. After Tonya and Sophia were were chosen to lead, Rachel suddenly realized that without an obvious scapegoat among the leaders, she might have schemed her way straight to elimination. But wouldn’t it be a twist if the girls won and Katie was sent home?

Again, there wasn’t much to see in this challenge once things got going. The bugs were biting Arissa and Mark, the two chosen to be dipped in honey and covered with bugs, and there was a predictable montage of gross moments with the bugs including plenty of talking about how the bugs tasted gross, and were still moving and what not. Luckily for the guys, Shane is able to boot on command, and threw up immediately in their bucket, giving the guys a distinct advantage. And although the guys had been spending most of the day talking about what it meant to be gay (or at least having it edited into their day), it was Rachel and Sophia showing people how it’s done. While most of the women were taking nibbles off of Arissa’s shoulder, Rachel made it her mission to dive between Arissa boobs to get some bugs. Then, when the game was done, and Arissa was trying to rid herself of a particularly ummm, eager, cockroach Sophia answered the call of “Get this thing out of my crotch!”. I’m not sure why Arissa didn’t use her hands, but who really cares.

As we have all come to expect, the women lost. But it seemed close. I am not sure exactly how Jonny decided that one team or the other was finished, but I was glad it was over. Randy got a penalty for the guys, and Rachel got a penalty for the girls, but I am not sure how they would have affected the game since the girls stopped when our host announced they were finished. Maybe they knew there was a penalty on each side, and would have lost anyway, but can you really take that chance? Another win, another strange prize. They must have been desperate for sponsors this year, which explains why they were exiled to New Mexico, because this week the reward was a Tempurpedic Sleep System. Come on! Low rider scooter I understand, Playstation I understand, even the gift certificates to random places like Pottery Barn spinoffs, but a sleep system? What if they already used their Pottery Barn money on a bed? What were they to do then? Who’s is going to be the next illustrious sponsor? The Wiz? Sports Chalet?

During deliberations, there was a little bit more intrigue to what the guys were going to do. There were very few players left who had penalties or DQs against them, and the Miz was one of them, once again on the chopping block. You would have thought that he would have been volunteering to lead seeing the success of his team, but that escaped him in the past, and wouldn’t have helped him in the latest challenge since the names were picked at random. That decision might have cost the Miz, because he was voted off. Not much of a surprise because he really didn’t stand out this season, but at least we got to see him do his Miz voice so all of the “Mizfits” out there had something to look forward to.

On the girls side, things were a little bit more dicey. Sophia hadn’t distinguished herself, but somehow the jury decided she couldn’t be picked. That left them to deliberate between Rachel and Tonya, which, as you might imagine was one hard fight indeed. Coral wanted to keep Tonya around, but some of the other girls that were never in the power trio of Rachel, Coral, and Veronica, wanted Rachel out, knowing how much she meant to the alliance. When she further explained her choice to pick Rachel, Coral said “I need her in the final mission”, which is quite arrogant after you think about it. She just assumed the rest of the women would let her get to the finish. To be honest, that isn’t such a crazy thought on her part, since she is in the last group EVERY SINGLE TIME. Coral further tried to get people’s minds of Rachel by calling out the idea of alliances in the first place, denying that she, Veronica, and Rachel had an arrangement, and accused Katie and Aneesa of having one.

All of this intimidation wasn’t worth much as Rachel was voted off. In her speech on elimination hill, she was very gracious, which came as a great surprise. She made up for all of that by getting back to her normal bitchy self as she was packing to go home. But don’t say Rachel didn’t make a great impression. She left her bright orange “LESBIAN” t-shirt for Veronica, and warned her about the upcoming fight.

And for you, our dear readers, we leave you with something else. Rachel, we never really liked you. You give lesbians a bad name. Quite honestly, you give skanks and bitches bad names as well. Still, it’s not like we can’t remember “The Way We Were”

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