Guantlet 3: Birthdays Blindfolds and Blow-up dolls

Last week on The Gauntlet 3, I theorized that all the challenges were inspired by childhood games, and joked about them playing pin the tail on the donkey this week. The second challenge had them walking around in blindfolds. I’m seriously starting to wonder if I might have prophetic tendencies. So come along as we get a little naked, celebrate some birthdays and send some people home.

Bring me back some cake…

A few days ago I was discussing fake lesbians with my friend Ceelo. I met Ceelo in kindergarten and the two of us have been up to no good ever since. When we were in 6th grade she told me it would be cool to shave a few inches of hair off the back of my head just above my neck. 10 minutes, some persuasive bribery and two bags of Pop Rocks later I was kneeling on her toilet seat while she quite unevenly macheted three inches off the back of my hairline with a disposable bic razor. I wish I were kidding.

A couple years later I found out she’d gotten a bad spider bite just under her eye that swelled extremely big. I called her up pretending as if I hadn’t heard about her spider bite and asked if she’d heard about the rampant spider attacks in her town, which were leading to red bumps, foaming at the mouth, and ultimately, death. She spent the rest of the day near tears and unnecessarily at the emergency room.

Where was I? Oh yes, fake lesbians. So Ceelo and I were talking the other day about lesbians; the benefits, the burdens, the additional costs associated with phallic shaped vegetable purchases, the whole nine. (PS we even sorted categories of the likely primary vegetable selections versus secondary vegetable selection).

Then we start debating about whether Brooke is really a lesbian (she’s so not) and that’s when Ceelo tells me that the only way to tell a real lesbian from a fake lesbian is to watch them cuddle, because real lesbians always cuddle with their vaginas facing each other. Now I know damn well there is no way this is true, because: 1. The very idea that such a thing could be a determining factor is just plain ridiculous and 2. Vaginas don’t have faces.

Obviously, I disregard the comment as baseless. Cut to the opening scene of episode three of Gauntlet 3 and what should we find but Brook and Evelyn cuddled up on the couch. Evelyn is midway into a game of Pretending To Be Kidding About My Insecurities But Really Mean Everything I’m Saying. She’s also giving Brooke a foot massage, and wouldn’t you know it… they’re cuddling with their vaginas pointed towards each other.

Five seconds later my phone rings and it’s Ceelo. “Well,” she says. “That settles it. Brook’s a real lesbian.” Without responding I hang up on her, think about it a minute and then I make a command decision: there’s no way Brooke can be real lesbian. When she was in Denver, she couldn’t even eat sushi. You see Ceelo… I think that settles it.

In another room, Coral, Katie and Not So Pretty Robin are talking about the possibility of a female gauntlet. They suspect Evelyn might take them all out one by one, and Robin just wants to see a veteran female gauntlet because when it happens, the shit is gonna hit the fan. And by shit hitting the fan she means they will all gang up on Beth and then throw shit into the ceiling fans in celebration when she loses.

The first challenge is running into the ocean, saturating your clothing and then wringing water off of the clothing to fill a bucket. First team to fill the bucket wins. On the vets’ side, for some reason I got very annoyed by the fact that Diem kept pronouncing it “poolers” instead of “pullers.” So annoyed that I decide I’m rooting for the rookies. I mean rukies.

My attitude quickly changed when we saw the challenge unfold. Thanks to the big curly ‘fro and the big bucket of water, when the girls and Eric stood around the bucket wringing out the shirts, it was like a scene out of an island remake of Little Orphan Annie.

No one cares for you a smidge, when you’re in an or-phanage. It’s a hard knock life

On the rookies’ side, I was left mostly disappointed. Brooke wanted to be a soaker but the team didn’t think she’d be any good at it because she can’t run. Which is true, but ever since she got the fake titties there’s a good chance she’s got some wet t-shirt contest experience under her belt, and I have to imagine that would serve as an asset in one way or another.

I was really hoping the fight with Johanna would serve as a catalyst for bringing out the off-the-handle, screaming, stomping, possible water bottle throwing kind of tantrum we all long for when it comes to Brooke. Unfortunately all we got was a little catty bickering and a quick “she’s a bitch” confessional from Brooke. Bush league Brooke! Booo! If I had a tomato I’d throw it at you and then take it back before you and Evelyn could use it as your secondary vegetable.

You’re so much more fun when you’re angry

In the end, the veterans win and throw Jillian into the gauntlet again. Jillian wants to go against Brooke, who gives a heartwarming speech about how she is trying her hardest and really wants to be here, but she can’t help it if she was born fearful. Brooke Sweetie, I don’t think fearful is the problem. I think the problem is you suck. But we can go with fearful if it makes you feel less puffy faced and useless.

Jill and Brooke battle it out in what can only be described as the super bowl of the Gauntlet. That is, if the super bowl was played by a straight girl and a half lesbian who doesn’t know which way her helmet goes. And there was only half a field. And it was made of sand. Okay fine, maybe not not much of a super bowl.

Jill gets the first two points, but then she loses the third, which she calls a mathematic strategy. Um, okay. Is that what we’re calling mistakes these days? Yeah I’ve made mathematic strategies before too. Mine pretended to be a nice boyfriend while he slept with half of new Jersey.

Then Jillian changes her mind and says it was just her way of “throwing Brooke a bone.” Haven’t you heard Jill? Brooke’s a lesbian now. If you want to help her, don’t throw her a bone, throw her some vajayjay.

Eventually Jill puts her away and I don’t know if anyone saw this, but she took off her shirt off after the victory. This girl constantly has her shirt off during or immediately after competitions. She’s like the David Beckham of The Gauntlet.

After Jill beats Brooke, the scene is very dramatic with lots of tears and tight hugging and one of them says, “I love you.” I think it was Brooke who said it, because it sounded more like a high pitched, girly IActuallyLikeBoysButI’llPlayAlongForCameraTime kind of “I love you” than a sand paper on dry skin NoOneKissesMyGiantAdamsAppleLikeYouDo kind of “I love you.”

Ev says that she knows what they have will last. You’re right Ev. Because what you had was nothing, and as the phrase goes “nothing lasts forever.” Brooke tells us that she’s happy she met Evelyn, because it taught her that someone could really care about her, so now she can take that with her to find a man. Wait, I thought that’s what she had?

Realizing lesbian Brooke is gone forever, Ev starts talking to Evan about how pissed she is that Brooke is gone, which causes her to have a full on roid rage. Ah yes, we as women can only be calmed in one way: pushups. Many, many pushups. Someone please introduce Evelyn to the wonderful, cramp reducing, anger subsiding, depression curing world of ice cream before she chokes herself on a pull-up bar.

Somebody come kick me in the stomach while I do this

The sun goes down, the alcohol comes out, and before we know it, we’re invited to a birthday party for Adam, Kate Johnny Bananas. Oh fun! This show would be even better if it included half the challenges and double the partying.

In quite entertaining fashion, CT and Evan pretend to be bouncers at the door. CT even has an ipod headphone in his ear like an earpiece. At first I didn’t realize it was an ipod earphone, so kept searching the background for a bloody and bruised stagehand mysteriously missing an earpiece.

When Zach tries to enter the party, CT and Evan tell him it’s a trendy establishment and he can’t come in with that hair. First of all: hair criticism? From CT? And second. Trendy establishment? Yes, nothing says trendy establishment like a blow-up doll in attendance and DJ Kenny on the ones and twos. High society at its finest. Holler.

The blow-up doll’s birthday wish is that the only thing that winds up in her open mouth tonight is this cake

They take Zack out back, tape him up like some meathead fraternity hazing victim and cut his hair. It strikes me that this would have been the same way CT would have gotten the earpiece from the stagehand. All things considered, Zach handles it without much resistance and welcomes his new hairdo.

Sanjaya would be proud

Johnny and Casey drink enough vodka to think that the cameras disappear if you take your clothes off and hang out in pairs, and next thing you know they’re caught makin babies and Casey is jumping through a window naked. After being discovered, Casey winds up with a backwards sweatshit, which doesn’t help her “nothing was going on” cause, but on the upside, she does do a very effective Kriss Kross impersonation.

We can neither conform nor deny that we’ve seen Johnny’s Banana

At 11:30 the next morning we are introduced to the second challenge: Blind Man’s Maze. I love the fact that these morning missions get later and later every season. The old cast members must be so pissed when they watch this. Poor Mark used to have to get his ass up at 7 am to let The Miz eat centipedes off of him. Where is the justice?

Blind Man’s Maze requires “the eyes” (Coral and Johanna) to direct their team through a maze, have them ring a bell, and then return to the starting line in a relay race competition. In order to give the rookies a chance to win, the producers decide that even though the rookies have fewer people, no one has to go twice. Which means the rookies are at such and advantage that they really have to blow it to not win this challenge.

The best part of this challenge for me was watching people walk into poles and fall down, and when someone said Katie looks like night of the living dead, because it couldn’t be more accurate. I think every challenge should include a blindfold.

Am I at the bell?

The rookies win and their first set of deliberations ensue. The alliances rear their ugly heads as Tori defends Brad and Frank defends CT, and the end, they decide to save Adam and send in Evan. Cue the ruckus.

CT suggests that Evan go against Bananas because CT is reasonably certain that Evan can “smoke him.” If there’s one thing you have to give CT credit for, the man is honest. He holds nothing back when it comes to his opinions. Sure he loses his temper, but if there were one thing standing between me and a last minute dressing room decision, I’d want it to be him.

Bananas and CT fight because Bananas feels like he got thrown under the bus. CT gives us that line we saw in the previews over and over about how he plays the game and he’s the only one who’s open about it, but I never ended up seeing the other preview scene where CT says he’ll kill him and Bananas says “do it already!” How can such a dialogue wind up on the cutting room floor? Did I imagine this line happened? Somebody help me here! And while you’re at it, remind me where the Bananas nickname came from.

All the talk about who is bigger than who is proven irrelevant as Evan and Johnny get a puzzle. All the vets except for Kasey Kross help Evan and eventually he sends Bananas home, but not before giving him a big hug and kiss. Hot.

Bananas says he’s mostly sad to have to say bye to Casey, he calls her munchkin, which is kinda cute, and we learn that their romance will continue when they get home. I am so confused about all these romances. I understand the random hook-ups, but how are all these people starting actual meaningful relationships this quickly? I realize we have no sense of actual time on this show, but there have only been six missions. How far along could they be that they are actually developing feelings for each other? I must find their myspace pages and get to the bottom of this at once.

We close with Tyrie telling us that he has decided to go home because his girlfriend is having heart problems, which is actually quite shocking unless his girlfriend is a 78 year old male smoker. The team is sad to see him go, but in the previews we learn that the rookies are getting a big strong replacement player. Oh the suspense is overwhelming. At least it would be if I didn’t already know who it was.

Until then Gasmii….