I spent the weekend in NYC with my hubby. I was hoping to run into a Real Worlder (or at least Kelly Bensimon running in traffic) in the Big Apple, but alas, Lady Luck was not on my side. However, I did see Neil Patrick Harris, which I am now reminiscing about while drinking wine, so I am in a saucy mood tonight! Let’s get this party started!
NPH has nothing to do with this recap, other than it and him are both awesome.
Last time on The Duel, Paula fucked up, TJ sounded like he was stoned, Evan said a lot of stupid things, and Robin went packing right after accepting her award for Best Female Monologue from the Lifetime Movie Network. But enough with the past, let’s move on to the present and that god-awful opening.It’s so painful, like a really bloody car wreck–I know I shouldn’t watch, but dear lord, I can’t help it. OK, I’ll admit it–it WOULD be very cool if it wasn’t starring a bunch of douches. But, it is, so I have to watch it through my fingers like I do with any scary movie. I literally cringe in embarrassment for mankind when watching this.
TJ looks like he’s going to blow chunks, which is coincidentally the most emotion he’s shown since he started hosting.
The night starts with shots and beer pong, which if I remember correctly from college, means someone is going to get naked. It sounds like it will be Brooke as she flits around with a full glass of wine and complains about how she’s gone a month without sex. Mark voiceovers that the competition factor may be getting to Brooke, who really just wants to hang out and party. Oh, Mark, with your age comes immense wisdom.
“Back in my day, you didn’t have to take shots or play the beer pong to get a dame to drop her panties!”
Brooke parks herself in Evan’s lap and tells him about how much she wants to stay here. Then she interviews about how it’s “Pretty brave, amazing and strong of me to be here.” Yes. Brooke, you are a regular Mother Theresa. Not many people would be able to take a free vacation to NZ where they are expected to drink and party. Hold on while I get you an application for sainthood.
Patron Saint of Shut the F Up
On a side note (the first of many in this re-cap): Why does everyone kiss Evan’s ass?
In another part of the house, Neh is scheming with Davis to take out some old veterans and Paula is whining and blaming everything on Evan. Um, what? Lord knows I’m not the biggest fan of Evan, but it’s not like he forced her to say Dunbar’s name. Paula, I officially hate you for making me side with Evan.
Paula calls Evan a shady bastard, but assumes he’ll have her back in the end. Love your logic, dear.
Paula, even your boots are stupid and annoying.
Landon, Evan, Brad are eating, and the boys are are telling Evan to cut Paula’s dumb ass off. If Evan got up and Issac sat down, I would officially crown this as the Best. Gathering. Ever. I heart all three of those guys and hope they make it to the end.
But Evan stays put and tries to defend Paula. Landon continues to drink milk out of a wine glass, and I find this oddly attractive. (Note to Landon: Please don’t hook up with Brittini. Or wait until she gets a better weave, for the love of God!)
Landon, I think your wine is past its expiration date.>
Brad is trying to use some of his law school logic to convince Evan that Paula is a bad news. And not the kind of bad news that will let you feel her up in the back of your dad’s Ford, but the kind that will cut your tires because she thought you were being a little too friendly to that girl in algebra class. Brad, I hear you loud and clear and so does Evan.
It’s the next day and time to head over to our next challenge, which TJ montonously tells us is called All Shook Up, but I like to call Boring. Two parallel ropes are strung over a pit of yuck, and they have to try to shake each other off. Losers land in a pile of toilet water. Yawn.
Big Easy personally helped fill up the pit after eating at Taco Bell.
We cut to a commercial where Evan does a promo for Fighting, and for some reason is dressed like an extra from Newsies in one of those stupid hat, leather jacket and scarf. Maybe CT left behind a few choice items after getting kicked off for wanting to EAT ADAM’S BRAINS! (I will always put that phrase in caps.)
I dare you to tell me that this hat isn’t a reject from CT’s House of Pain clothing line.
Mark and Rachel get to pick who competes against who since they won the last challenge. I find this unfair but have no logical reason why. But I trust that Mark, with his many, many, MANY years on Earth, will make it as fair as possible.
In our first Chick Heat, the Dynamic Duo picks Diem, Aneesa, Brooke, and Kimberly to go at it. Hmmmm, butch scary lesbo against the three weakest girls? Maybe I have to re-evaluate Grampa Mark.
But wait! Aneesa is the first one down into the toilet water. The other three hold on for a two minutes, so now it’s time to go to Phase 2, where they have to hold on with one hand. Kim is staying strong, but Brooke and Diem both touch the rope and get DQed. Kim wins.
Come on, DM! DQ’ed. Again?! Maybe that’s her new nickname. We know how she feels about people with two letters as their whole name….
In Chick Heat 2, we have Rachel, Katie, Jenn, and Paula. Rachel starts swinging the rope pretty hard to the point where they are almost horizontal. Side note: Rach, the hair cut ain’t working for you honey.
Katie ends up sitting on the rope, then falls. Jenn, Rachel and Paula somehow manage to fall all at the same time, but Paula hits the water seconds after the other two and wins. Nice strategy, Rach.
Chick Heat 3 has Brittini, Tori, Ruthie. Ruthie is shaking the rope pretty hard, but both her and Tori fall but keep on handing. Brittini is doing gymnastics on the rope while Ruthie navigates them look a monkey, and it’s quite impressive. In the end, Ruthie ends up winning.
So it’s our Final Chick Heat, which means Ruthie, Paula, and Kimberly are going to fight it out. I’m predicting Paula falls first.
Kimberly says her strategy is to just hold on and not try to exert herself by shaking the rope. Damnit, what kind of season is this where Evan and Kimberly are making sense?
All 3 make it through phase 1 and surprisingly phase 2. Time for the good stuff–in phase 3, you can use both hands and both feet, but you can also try and knock your opponent of through any means.
Ruthie goes in for the kill, and Evan yells out to kick her knee caps. I’m not 100% sure who he’s directing it to or whose kneecaps he wants to be kicked, but he’s talking about hitting a bitch, so I’m all right with it once again.
Paula falls (I love being right!) and Kimberly and Ruthie are holding on and battling it out. Ruthie is like a monkey, ninja, koala bar–something really adept with ropes and balance because homegirl has got mad skillz. She knocks Kimberly’s bony ass off and wins.
Now it’s the guy’s turn. In Dude Heat 1 we have MJ, Isaac, Brad and Davis. Isaac is one of the first people to fall. Come on buddy, I know you can do better than that! Brad falls shortly after that, leaving MJ and Davis on the ropes together. But not for long, because Davis ends up falling and MJ wins. Woo-freaking-hoo. Who invited this guy again?
Dude Heat 2 is Old Man Mark, Dunbar, Landon and Derek. Interesting choice Mark, not sure what you were trying to achieve here when you put together this heat, but I trust you have something going on in that old, old, OLD brain of yours.
Anyways, Derek is the first one to fall but holds up, only to end up falling again. Dunbar’s next to fall, and this makes me happy.
Mark and Landon are next to go to phase 2, but decide to skip it and just start battling. Love it! Landon attacks Mark right away and wraps his legs around him. Landon is kicking him in the ribs and Mark puts up a pretty good fight then falls.
Watch those kneecaps, young’un!
On to Dude Heat 3, where Eric, Evan, and Neh are competing.
The rope is definitely saggy around Big Easy.
Evan tells us he’s worried about “E shaking me to the moon” and also worried that if E falls first, there will be no mud left for him. Oh, Evan, you slay me! Did they teach you that in your Advanced Confessional One Liners class?
Easy falls which Evan tells us sends “shockwave” down the rope and causes him to fall too. Neh wins.
On to the Final Dude Heat, which should be a good one with MJ, Landon and Neh. Landon is pretty comfortble on the rope and is shaking MJ and Neh around. MJ stumbles but recovers, then falls again into the pit. Huzzah!
Neh and Landon are left to go into the next phase, but decide once again to skip the one-handed bull shit and go right into the battle. Landon does his sneaky spider attack and takes Neh down just like he did with Mark.
Landon and Ruthie are winners! I’m finding Landon endearing and want him to make it to the finals. I don’t remember him being this cute on his season at all…
MTV’s video player has very annoying ads in it, but this combination made me laugh–it looks like Landon is starring in a gay dance movie (which I would totally want to see!) Note to MTV: the 30-second preview inserted five times into a 40 minute clip is bad enough, you don’t need to add another ad whose close button doesn’t work.
None of the cast is quite sure what these two are going to do and who they will save. Landon and Ruthie meet to discuss, and say they have 30 minutes to decide “the whole list.” It’s just one name, right? It’s not like we’re deciding if we should release the names of CIA agents or anything…..
Landon wants to save Brit, Ruthie wants to save Isaac and 2 others. Ruthie, I like where your head is at.
Landon suggests they make their decision in the same way that humanity has made all important decisions since the beginning of time – Paper, Scissors, Rock.
We don’t get to see the PSR fight, which I’m sure was a scorcher, but they end up saving Brit. Brit saves Mark (she must like old), who saves Rachel, who saves Brad, who saves Tori (natch), who saves MJ (why, oh, why?), who saves Aneesa, who saves Isaac (yay!), who saves Katie, who saves Easy (still with me?), who saves Diem, who saves Evan.
Evan knows he has to, or at least is supposed to, save Paula, but she also knows she will pick Dunbar. Flashback to Brad throwing his lawyer logic on him. What’s a homey to do? Break out some PSR or Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo?
He ends up picking Kimberly! Paula is pissed and so am I, and we both give him the finger. I think she does it because he didn’t pick her, I did it because I don’t like Kimberly. But the message is the same.
Rachel’s face says what I’m thinking.
Kimberly saves Derek, who saves Jen, who saves Neh, who has to choose between Brooke and Paula. Dun-dun-DUNH! All 4 people left are part of his alliance so he’s not sure what to do. He ends up picking Paula, who of course picks Dunbar, meaning Brooke and Davis are going into the Duel! Gasp!
Now Davis and Brooke get to pick who they want to compete against. Davis picks Evan to go into the Duel. What?! Dunbar does a stupid meathead dance in the back. Can’t argue with his logic: Evan is annoying. And screw you MTV for making me agree with Dunbar, Kimberly and Evan.
Brooke picks Brittini because of her rookie status, proving my point that it doesn’t really matter what order you get picked in. They pick their cards. The guys get Spot On, and Evan is practically wetting himself because he thinks its a puzzle challenge.
The girls will be playing Back Off from the famous Man vs Beast challenge of Episode 1.
Paula runs up to Davis and says I knew you’d pick Evan, not aware that Evan is standing right next to her. Aaaawkward. She plays it off like a fourth grader, saying she knew he was there the whole time. Right, Walnuts, not buying it. Just like you are over the whole Johnny Bananas backstabbing incident.
Evan tells us “I’m alone in a cruel, NZ world.” Little know fact about Evan: he wrote his senior thesis at Reality Training School on Dramatic One Liners.
Mark and Landon agree that Spot On is a puzzle game. Mark tells him to keep his head in the game, but Evan is just shitting his pants thinking about it. You should always trust your elders, Evan! Back in the days, Mark had to go into the Duel with one hand tied behind his back and a blindfold on. (get it? Because he’s OLD!)
Evan, taking a lesson from Confrontation 101, decides to approach Davis about his vote. Davis tells him not to get his panties in a wad, it was nothing personal. But Evan ain’t picking up what Davis is throwing down.
Davis says he was always going to pick Evan and thought he knew it. Evan is sounding like an insecure little bitch and complains about being in this “wierd petri dish social experiment.” Seriously, who gives him these lines? And you SIGNED UP FOR THIS, plus you have a chance to win lots of money if you stop being such a bitch! The whole point is to get called into the Duel so don’t act like such a sissy when it happens.
Neh is regretting picking Paula (oh, don’t we all), since he knew she was going to pick Dunbar, and he and Davis are down. Well, if you knew she was going to pick him, why did you pick her??
Brooke is prepping for the Duel by curling her hair….lovely.
“Duh, of course I think curling my hair is good preparation for the Duel! Do you think I’m stupid or something?”
Davis is prepping for the Duel by stirring up more drama. He very loudly says that no matter who was going to be the last picked, him or NeH were both going to call Evan to the duel and Paula knew it. Evan overhears and Davis tells him he doesn’t like bullies. Prolly reminds him too much of school.
Evan is huffing and puffing around and just generally acting like a weenie. Davis is totally getting into Evan’s head and I totally love it!
Cut to the next day and everyone standing around for the lady Duel. TJ takes his lips off the bong long enough to tell us the rules: two hooks are on their back, take off your opponents hook and hang it on another hook. Do it twice and you win.
Brooke can’t even deal with the bite guard in her mouth, which is a not good sign of things to come. TJ rings the bell and typical sissy slapping ensues until Brooke pretty much gives Brittini her hook.
Round 2 is all of 3 seconds, and Brittini wins in the most anti-climactic duel ever. I don’t think either of them broke a sweat. Bye, bye Brooke. Let’s hope you get a better send off then Shauvon.
I’m not sure what duel the person at MTV was watching when they wrote this caption, but it definitely wasn’t the same one as me.
Time for the guys duel! Spot On is a new one. In between bong hits, TJ tells us that it’s a puzzle climbing wall. There’s 16 puzzle pieces all over a really tall wall, and they’ll have to put the right pieces into the wall to win. They’re all circles with a random pattern on them.
Evan is climbing the wall and getting frustrated. Davis has 3 out of 16, Evan has 0. Lamest duel ever. It looks like Davis is making good progress while Evan is whining and being a bitch, but we all know how much the producers love to fake us out.
Evan starts to catch up, and eventually takes the lead and wins by a decent margin, 9-16. Well, shit.
Evan is upset that Paula now hates him. After all, she met his family and showed her boobs to his younger brother so she really is a “true friend”. I once accidentally showed my tata’s to a friend’s brother (it involved a tube top and platform shoes) and we still talk about it 15 years later, so I kinda get where he’s coming from.
Evan tries to tell Paula that she’s making it worse then it really is. Yeah, because the best thing to say to a girl is that she’s being irrational.
“Just because I showed your brother my boobs once doesn’t mean I have to do everything you tell me to!”
Brad says he cant back the evil game that Evan is playing and starts partying with everyone, while Evan reads alone in his bed. Any guesses to what he was reading?
I bet it’s this. Yes, it’s a real book, and yes, I totally want to read it.
In the previews for next week: Jenn and Rachel “wrestle”, and I put it in quotes because it’s not the real thing, more like the sexy kind that every boy dreams of….and they do something with bobbleheads that looks pretty interesting.
What did you guys think of this episode? Do you find Evan, Kimberly and Dunbar as annoying as I do? Who are you rooting for? Your comments keep me in stitches, so keep ‘em coming. Oh, and can we PLEASE have Rob Dyrdek host this shit? Or just someone with a pulse?
Pretty please can Rob host the next challenge? I could watch this guy do anything and enjoy it.