I Wish I Knew How To… Oh, Wait, I Do Know How To Quit You, Gauntlet!

I apologize for this glaringly late Gauntlet 2 recap. Last week was just a whirlwind of insanity for me, what with The Apprentice and Real World and Amazing Race all premiering. But now it’s Monday, a full seven days later, and the clock is winding down to the next installment of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. There’s no way I’m gonna let this show lap me. I’m not gonna quit on this. Not like some people we know…The show began with the odd sight of Randy and Kina practicing for the Gauntlet. The two sparred, ran drills, and reviewed general strategy that would hopefully save them in the event of a Name That Coconut emergency. I personally thought they were putting in waaay too much time and energy into this — especially Randy who had even worked up a sweat. Bad news, dude. If you go into the Gauntlet, you face Alton, and, well, he’s kind of like unstoppable. But then again, Randy does have that secret weapon. You know what I’m talking about: Boom, Bazooka Joe.

A little bit later, Julie happily told us, “We’re on a winning streak. We’ve won two in a row. Whoohooo!” And in Gauntlet-ese, that means “We will be losing the next challenge.” We then found Julie sitting outside with perpetual eyesore Aneesa as they moaned about Beth and how awesome it would be to get rid of her in the Gauntlet. She wouldn’t be easy to take down though because as Julie was happy to point out, Beth was broke and needed the money — she would fight to stay in the game. Just at that moment, Beth then walked in on this conversation and sneered, “By the way, I agree with everything you guys are saying.” I don’t truly believe Beth actually heard any of the conversation, but it was fun to think the girls were busted. Nevertheless, this then led to Beth voicing that old reality show cliché, “If you have something to say to me, then you should say it to my face.” And/or throw all her clothing in the swimming pool. That works too.

Anyway, the three girls then talked about the team and why they deserved to be there and blah blah blah. Beth questioned Aneesa about why she was so worthwhile, especially since she never seemed to step up and go above and beyond. Well, yeah, but Aneesa had a perfectly fine explanation for that: “I have a lot of f*ckin’ heart.” Heart, or as I like to call it, “flab.”

And since no drama could ever be complete without a few tears shed, Beth then slunk off to the corner and cried. Luckily, Julie soon arrived to console her, saying, “I know it’s hard to feel like you don’t have any friends here.” Yeah, it must be very hard for Beth to feel that way. Especially since the girl who’s providing support for her is the very one who was bashing her and revealing her personal finances to the world just two minutes ago.

But in typical Beth form, she turned that frown upside down — into her usual menacing rictus — and summoned her deepest, darkest spite for Aneesa. “She’s lucky I didn’t f*ckin’ bitch slap her,” Beth said. “Bring it on, bitches. Nobody is getting past me!” Awww yeah. We gots another showdown tonight! Beth vs. Aneesa. Let’s do it up!

Before we could get to any girl on girl action, we then had to endure another silly challenge. I shouldn’t actually be so mean. I sort of enjoyed this challenge (and overall, this season’s challenges, while often untested, have been way better than the ridiculous, Fear Factor Lite tasks of the past two seasons). This week, the kiddos had to swim out in teams of two and climb up two rope ladders that were attached to a see-saw like platform. They then had to cross by each other, holding a rope, and climb down the opposite ladders. A few catches: no one could jump off at any time, and if anyone fell, both players had to start at the bottom of the rope ladders. Oh, and a ten minute time limit. A lot of little rules, but you know the drill: just watch mindlessly and wait for the final score. That’s all that really matters.

The Rookies kicked things off as Alton and Landon attacked the challenge. They made short work of this task, as did Jamie and Jodi who quickly scampered through it. But then came Kina and Jillian, a.k.a. Team Worthless. First Jillian struggled to get up, then Kina fell off, and then Kina complained that she couldn’t reach the rope. Oh, just shut up and come back to shore already. You’re both miserable failures.

“I’m not Stretch Armstrong!” Kina told us in between crying fits. And by “Stretch Armstrong,” she meant “pleasant to listen to.” Now, did I say she was a miserable failure? I spoke to soon. Enter Ibis. This is a girl who defines disaster. For some reason, she manages to stink up every challenge, and yet no one seems to even notice or care. I mean, this was going back to her Road Rules season when a pack of dogs pounced on her, and she was unable to move.

Is this not one of the most pathetic images you’ve ever seen?

Anyway, Ibis attempting to climb that rope ladder was like watching someone trying to nail Jell-o to a tree: completely futile. She did manage to get several rungs up, but then, as she reached the platform, she complained that she couldn’t reach the rope she needed. Bitch, you have four more rungs to go! Take a step up! Just one! But instead of doing something amazing like actually using her brain, Ibis simply fell off the contraption for no real reason. Well done, Ibis. Well done.

They’re called rungs. USE THEM.

Last up for the Rookies were Randy and MJ, and they seemed to be doing quite well — until MJ slid right off the platform and into the water. Must have been all that weight from his hair that dragged him down. Well, seeing that they both had to start off from the bottom again, Randy hopped off the platform, and uh oh! That’s a DQ! (Not Dairy Queen. Disqualification.) And so the Rookies wrapped up their embarrassing attempt at this challenge realizing that they could only win if the other team royally screwed up.

“I’m so ungodly pissed off, it’s not even funny,” Kina seethed. Exactly when isn’t Kina ungodly pissed off? The supermarket could run out of lemon yogurt, and she’d be pissed off. And you know she’s the type that starts fights in the express line.

Next, it was the Veterans’ turn to attack the challenge, and first up were Mark and David. As expected, they easily made short work of the task, but having less success were Robin and Katie. They were of the “I can’t reach it” camp. Well, mostly Katie was, but that’s to be expected. Katie’s not exactly a model athletic specimen. The two girls ran out of time, and up next were Derrick and Beth. Now, after Beth’s whole “Bring it on, bitches!” comment, I kind of expected her to kick ass in this challenge, but, well, at 37 years old, I guess there are certain limitations to what one can do. And apparently, climbing a rope ladder is one of those things. Yes, Beth could barely get two or three rungs up, which obviously brought upon the wrath of her teammates. In Beth’s defense, it is incredibly hard to put your foot on a run and then step up. I mean, she’s not Superwoman!

Eventually, Beth and Derrick timed out. Next up: the woman with more heart than Nancy Wilson, Aneesa and her plucky sidekick Julie. The two seemed to be doing a good job, but oops! Turns out that Aneesa may have had heart, but not a lot of grip. She fell off the ladder and into the ocean, somehow managing not to cause massive tsunamis throughout the Port of Trinidad and Tobago. Still, she got right back on that ladder and… fell again. Yes, all heart, baby! Not a lot of skill or talent, but lots of heart!

Lastly, Timmy and Brad attacked the challenge, and while they had some difficulty at first, Mark Long coached them through the trickiest parts. Oh Mark. You really are the Bela Karolyi of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

Anyway, Timmy and Brad successfully made it through, which all but sealed it for the Vets. The team erupted in cheers with Derrick proudly bragging, “Money in the bank. Ten g’s!” Mark echoed this with his own trash talk: “Looks like someone and their team’s going in the girl Gauntlet! Not one of ours!”

Yup, that means you, Kina. Hey, how you feel about that? Pissed? Yup. Kina and her faithful lapdog Ibis sulked in the corner, with Ibis ultimately scoffing, “I hate that. Celebrating.” Oh, shut up. Let them celebrate. Don’t act like you wouldn’t be doing the same thing. Just accept that you sucked and move on. Moments later, Ibis told us that she knew she was going into the Gauntlet. “My ass is on the line,” she said, adding, “My very, very large ass.” Okay, she didn’t say that, but we all were thinking it.

Anyway, the teams then gathered in front of TJ who declared, “The heart on both sides today was insane.” Especially Aneesa’s heart! TJ hearts heart! And now the final scores. The Veterans finished the challenge with a total time of 36:08 minutes. The Rookies finished with a total of time of 33:37 minutes. Holy shit! The Rookies win! Crazy upset! Crash for best picture!

Well, the Vets stood around astounded, jaws agape, while the Rookies celebrated (hey Ibis, I thought you didn’t like celebrating). The upside for the Veterans though was that they could now get rid of Beth, right? Well, the team quickly voted Aneesa into the Gauntlet, which would be our favorite competition, Beach Brawl. Oh, you knew this would be good. Aneesa versus Beth? The battle of the bitches? This is what this show is made for!

As expected, Aneesa razzed us up with some pre-Gauntlet smack talk. “Beth better be shaking in her boots because I’m ready to kill that bitch!” YEAH! RAH RAH RAH! LET’S DO THIS!!!

At the Gauntlet, TJ called Beth down to his side, and oddly enough, she was wearing jeans. Uh, Beth, that’s not very conducive to wrestling. As I pondered what the hell Beth was doing, she then dropped the sort of bombshell we should have expected all along: “Um, I’m not doing it,” she announced. What? BETH?!?! You whore, I wanted to see this fight!

“Why not? Yeah, you are,” TJ said incredulously — his world slowly collapsing around him. All his faith, everything he believes in — it’s in that Gauntlet.

TJ’s mind is blown.

So why was Beth forfeiting? “I’m not going to put oil all over my body and have some bitch fight with somebody, and I think it’s very low class, and I have no interest in participating,” she said. Low class? Since when was anything high class on The Gauntlet? And don’t think that we haven’t seen your nude photos before. Because we have. This was all typical Beth. The reason why she’s never been able to ascend to the ranks of Coral or Veronica is because when faced with true adversity, she’s always quit. Alas.

Aneesa, meanwhile, had only kind words to say about Beth: “You are a disease. Goodnight.” Hey, at least she isn’t a blight on humanity like your god forsaken mohawk.

Meanwhile, as TJ reeled with shock and disbelief, he asked Beth, “How come you’re still here?”

“What do you mean, how come I’m still here?” Beth asked.

“I told you to quit when the other quitters quit,” TJ said. Oh slam! TJ zing! He got her goooood!

But in the end, Beth left the game with her head held high and deluded. “I’m not going to compromise my values and my beliefs,” she said. I wasn’t quite sure how wrestling or oiling up was much of a moral dilemma, but in the world of Beth, anything goes. Say what you will about Aneesa, but she was right when she accused Beth of being afraid to look like a punk in the Gauntlet

And so Beth marched out of The Gauntlet. She did have some lovely parting words for her team about Aneesa: “I’m sure she’ll take you very far with her cigarettes and her asthma and her mouth; so have a good time!” Oh, we will.

The show ended with several of her teammates gathered together and facing the camera. “Thanks for nothing!” they all yelled, including “friend” Julie. A classy bunch. What did you think about this episode? Should Beth have quit? Happy to have her gone? Or did this show just lose some much-needed personality?