
For the past three months, loyal fans of all things silly and ridiculous have faithfully watched The Gauntlet 2 unfold on MTV. Week in and week out, we watched these people get drunk, yell at each other, run around a golf course, and then yell at each other again, all leading up to the Rookies’ not-so-triumphant win in the finale. You’d think we’d be ready to move on from this season, what with the idiocy flowing like molten lava from Mt. Pinatubo, but despite how many times we roll our eyes and look down our nose at these people, the simple truth remains that we are completely transfixed. Luckily, MTV provided us with a nifty little reunion show, and while there wasn’t the same adrenaline rush as when Austin’s cast completely bashed Danny on their reunion, I was still happily contended with all the bickering and yelling that did go on. And if we learned nothing else, it’s that the editing does lie: Kina really is an idiot. An idiot in blue eye shadow.Our host for this grand event was none other than Susie, MTV ingenue extraordinaire. She kicked off the special by praising Derrick and saying that her heart went out to him. In true moronic form, he patted his heart and gestured back to her as if to say “Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. That really means so much to me.” Okay, let’s not be ridiculous here. She was just offering up some basic pleasantries. Leave it to Derrick to treat her comments like they were spoken from the Prime Minister of Ghana.


Anyway, Susie then asked him what it was like to come so close and lose at the last Gauntlet. “It sucks. I really did fight hard and–” he started before Susie cut him off and said, “Yeah, absolutely. Do you think…” Way to let him get three words out, SUSIE. But then again, I shouldn’t be so hard. After all, Susie did receive most of her journalistic training from the exclusive interviews she landed with her My Little Pony set.
Susie then asked how the hell the Vets lost the eating contest. Derrick said it was because of Ibis (no surprise there), and Mark — who looked extra dumb in his overly trendy outfit — said that the night before, he and David had some sort of debilitating stomach flu. Of course, this begs the question, “Why the hell did you do the eating contest??” But sometimes asking for logic from the Bunim/Murray stars is like squeezing water from a stone. And yes, I can totally imagine Derrick trying to squeeze water from a stone.
Another fun little fact from the eating contest was that Julie — the girl who spearheaded the whole thing — couldn’t keep her food down. But since one spot of vomit would result in disqualification, Timmy actually had to eat the food out of Julie’s mouth. It doesn’t get much more foul than that. Timmy then joked that he thinks that he might now officially be Mormon. Does being a Mormon include overly rehearsed jokes? Just wondering.
Gum on the teeth? Another Timmy classic!
As for voting strategies, Beth said “It was a complete and total popularity contest!” Well, don’t act surprised, Beth. You know as well as everyone else that The Challenge always reverts everyone to their 7th grade selves. Or as Veronica and Tina call it, “their normal selves.”
Cara, meanwhile, disputed that the Rookies based Gauntlet decisions strictly on performance. She claimed that she was a much better performer than someone like Ibis, but Alton — who was unnecessarily wearing sunglasses indoors — rebutted that the whole alliance scandal made her a threat to the team. “Alliance schmalliance,” Cara said, noting that all of Kina’s friends from her season were with her in the end. Ooops! Kind of forgot about that one, Kina!
Speaking of Kina, this idiot bitch had summoned her inner Jersey Girl to the nth degree. Not only had she shellacked her face with trashy blue eye shadow, but she had seemingly just spent the past four days holed up in the Real World’s Mystic Tanning salon. Seriously, she was tanner now in the middle of winter (when this was shot) than when she was galavanting around for three weeks in the Caribbean sun.
Also looking somewhat ridiculous was Brad, who with his cocked trucker hat, stubbly facial hair, chains, and wife beater, was trying to look tough and gangsta, but instead looked more like AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys’ heyday. Also, I couldn’t be sure, but his teeth looked awfully shiny. I’m not gonna say that he went all Danny on us and fitted himself with some new “veneeyahs,” but I’m not ruling it out either.
“Show me the meaning of being lonely, yo.”
Anyway, the spotlight soon shone on Beth who refused to admit that she liked being the villain. In one of Derrick’s very, very rare moments of brilliance, he confronted the biatch and said that whenever she stirred up shit, she always had one eye on the camera — kind of like when she told Robin that Mark and Jodi had had sex. We then saw that clip, and believe it or not, Derrick was actually right. Who’d have thunk it?
Susie then pressed Mark Long about all his love triangle issues, and he defended himself by saying, “To be honest, I love everyone. Susie, if I spent the day with you, I’d love you too.” But if she touched his faux hawk, she’d be dead faster than you can say “V.O. 5.”
I think Mark Long just soiled himself.
We then returned to Kina who explained why she was all stressed out all the time. You see, towards the end, she just wanted to be “done with the captain, done with the Gauntlet. I just wanted to be able to breathe and relax.” And soak in a vat of bronzer for three weeks.
Later, it was time to talk with Cara, and “blonde” Susie (a.k.a. not the one asking all the dumb questions) said “Drama follows Cara.” This caused Kina to speak up and smirk, “I think that Cara creates lots of drama, and I think that’s why drama follows Cara.” No shit, Sherlock. That’s the whole point of saying “Drama follows Cara.” Good ol’ Kina. She never saw an idiom she couldn’t naively articulate. I can just imagine Cara saying “She was like a bull in a China shop,” and Kina responding, “No! She was CLUMSY!” Actually, chances are that Kina would just yell, “What bull? What China shop? You’re making things up! You’re a liar! You make me SICK!!”
Cara: “But it’s just an expression–”
Kina: “Say what you want to say to make yourself feel better, but I know the truth! PERIOD!” And with that, Kina would go storming off with Ibis in tow.
Anyway, speaking of Cara, we then dove right into the biggest controversy of the season: the nefarious alliance, or as Susie called it, “The Brad-muda Triangle!” Turns out that the whole thing was just some idle talk over drinks. Really? Who would have thought a dumb drama-queen like Kina would turn something small and harmless into an all-consuming fiasco? Nevertheless, despite this all being a giant brouhaha over nothing at all, the intellectually-challenged Rookie captain still got all fired up about it, telling Cara, “the second that that information came about, it just put you guys in the most horrible looking position of all time.” Yes, that’s the point. Horrible looking. And if you were half the captain you said you were, KINA, you would have taken the time to figure out if this alliance was horrible looking or truly horrible.
Cara then tried to explain herself more, and in typical fashion, Kina blatantly interrupted her. Luckily, Cara’s never one to shy away from a passive aggressive put-down, and so she said, “I’m not finished. I’m not finished. God, you really, like, love to [shaking her hands, flaring her eyes]… it’s crazy.” Normally, I’d make fun of someone for being so obnoxiously PA, but I was thrilled, knowing that it probably made Kina’s heart beat furiously under those thick layers of tanning chemicals.
Nevertheless, Cara said that if she were seriously considering the alliance, “I probably wouldn’t have given it away because I had crazy feelings for him [Brad], you know?” And with that, Cara paused and looked at the audience as if to say “Ooops! Did I just ‘unintentionally’ slip that out? Tee-hee! I’m wonderful.” Sadly for her, no one even cared about her feelings for Brad, and we moved on without more than a nanosecond of thought on the whole situation.
Soon, everyone began gabbing about alliances until Mark finally declared that “alliance” was too strong a word. It’s more like “Who do you like? Who do you have that has your back, and that’s as simple as that.” So basically… it’s a popularity contest. Just like Beth said.
Speaking of Beth, Susie then returned her dopey wrath on the hated cast mate and asked why the hell she quit. “In my opinion, because of the way my team was playing, I thought they were lame. They did not deserve to win, and if they wanted to be stuck with somebody like Aneesa who has asthma and can’t run and has basically done not one thing for the team, then they deserve to be stuck with her at the end.” That was basically her longwinded way of saying, “I didn’t want to get pinned under Aneesa’s massive heft in the Beach Brawl.”
The woe-is-Beth tales continued when she then said the reason why she didn’t even try that one rope challenge with Timmy was because she knew she was going into the Gauntlet anyway; so why risk hurting herself? Never mind that the only risk to herself was falling into the ocean and perhaps banging a fingernail on an errant seashell. You gotta love Beth. Sometimes I can’t tell if she’s wonderfully deluded or amazingly cunning.
We then went from one quitter to another: Mark Long. Yes, in a dramatic revelation that surely rocked the world of his faux-hawk, Mark Long announced that he was quitting The Real World/Road Rules Challenge for good. Wow. Too bad he’s about five years too late. Anyway, to commemorate this auspicious moment in the MTV history, Mark handed off his revered bandana to Derrick, a token from one generation to another. Everyone then clapped — as if this actually meant anything — and the two guys hugged. I really liked the assumption that anyone at home cared about this. Every other former cast member has just sort of quietly disappeared and moved on with their lives. But Mark has a whole stupid bandana ceremony as if we were bidding adieu to Nelson Mandela.
Anyone else imagining a cuckoo clock going off right now?
Suddenly, a booming, hazy voice filled the studio. It didn’t take much to realize who it was (TJ), but that didn’t stop Kina from yelling “TJ?!?!?!” as if Conrad Birdie were about to waltz in.
Sure enough, TJ did come ambling in with a shy, goofy grin on his face. This then led to some unaired footage of him fighting with Syrus. Basically, during the Gauntlet, TJ yelled, “Quit yelling at me, mother f*cker!” The two then got in each other’s faces for a few seconds until grandpa Timmy rushed in and broke it up, reminding the two that this was just a stupid game and that TJ should act professional. Timmy then put on a stupid wig and bikini shirt, cupped his hand under his armpit, and made loud farting noises. Okay, maybe that last thing didn’t happen, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did in the future.
We then saw more secret footage, which pretty much involved Aneesa and Derrick getting it on (ew) and Jamie and Cara possibly hooking up. Plus, there were rumors that Aneesa got her nasty-ass groove on with Alton too, but He-Man played it off in his typical way, saying, “It wasn’t a hookup. It was more like a random… uh…” And with that, he trailed off, successfully having dodged the bullet. Thanks for pressing him for an answer, Susie.
As for Aneesa’s other rumored conquest, Derrick denied having done anything with her. Beth echoed that, saying, “She was sleeping in Derrick’s bed.” To that, Derrick let out a random, mocking, “YEAH!” as if Beth had just assaulted his character.
“What?” she asked. And with that incisive question, Derrick realized he had nothing to say and shut up. Foiled again!
Susie then pressed Blonde Susie about the whole Jamie/Cara thing, and the perky Rookie laughed and said she was only talking about what she had heard. Cara then added, “It was a threesome!” I didn’t know if Cara was clarifying the record or merely telling us what other rumors Susie had been spreading, but suddenly, Kina crashed this lighthearted party by hopping on her soap box and seething, “I mean, if you’re going to talk a lot of shit about people, if you’re going to make up lies, the best thing you can do is own up to your bullshit. And y’all are not… owning up to your stuff. Because I just, I truly cannot deal with sitting here, listening to you lie. It makes me sick. And that’s all I’m going to say.”
What the hell was she talking about? Everyone was just laughing and having fun and talking about silly rumors, and Kina acts as if they were on the verge of another Gauntlet vote. There have been very few sanctimonious bitches on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge that have been as annoying and stupid as Kina. God, I hate her… and God, I hope she’s on the next cast.
Another rumor we learned about was that Montana and Jamie were purportedly getting it on. Beth verified this, causing Derrick to shout — I mean, shout — “JAMIE WAS NOT HOOKING UP WIHT MONTANA!!!” What the hell was his problem? Chill, dude.
Well, poor Derrick suddenly realized he was out of the loop as pretty much everyone nodded and did the “Uh, yeah. They were hooking up.” It was so wonderfully awkward and embarrassing for Derrick. If only he had a giant, periwinkle, knit cap to hide under.
The show came to a close on a light note as Brad made fun of the Austin reunion and accused Timmy of acting like Ben Affleck. Ah yes. The good times. Maybe if we’re lucky, the next time we have one of these Challenge reunions, Danny will actually be there to reenact his buffoonery in person. Until then, we’ll just have memories of another silly excursion to the tropics.
What did you think about the reunion? Am I being unnecessarily harsh on Kina? Or is she really that big of an idiot?
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44 Comments
B-side, the terms “unnecessarily harsh” and “Kina” cannot coexist in the same sentence or the universe will implode. Please continue.
Maybe if we’re lucky, the next time we have one of these Challenge reunions, Danny will actually be there to reenact his buffoonery in person
I remember reading somewhere (maybe here) that Danny and Mel were taking part in the next challenge in Australia that should be coming on in a few weeks. So I guess we will get to see Danny act like an idiot whenever someone does so much as walk past Mel.
first! so sad to see them go.
Was anyone suprised at how much better Beth looked than during the actual episodes? I mean I’m not saying she looked pretty, but a huge improvement!
Just watched that True Life from last night. Noticed that Wes was on his way to the next challenge. He is one of the all time morons. He should be real good on that challenge!
(a) Kina is pure evil.
(b) i too watched true life last night and did anyone else notice that when tonya was talking about her schedule for the week and the camera cut to her calendar she had spelled Houston wrong? umm… speaking of idiots…
I watched the True Life for about 20 minutes and got too frustrated and changed the channel. What’s with Tonya complaining about how much she hates doing all these appearances but she needs the money. It’s called getting a job! She’s barely interesting now, but after a few more seasons of RW and some new cast members the fans are going to be like “Tonya who?”
Kina is vile and I don’t think she’s too bright either. It’s tough to say with this group but she could be the dumbest one in the bunch. Derrick is no Einstein either.
Cara is incredibly hot.
Didn’t Eric Nies pass his jumprope down to one of the younger dudes when he retired? How sad that Mark couldn’t come up with something more original.
Wait, what am I saying!!?!??
The clip of Derrick and Aneesa almost made me puke. I’ve always taken a shine to Derrick since he made friends with the frog in a drunken haze. That with Aneesa was disgusting.
Did you hear when Derrick said something to the effect of “I hope it brings be luck for another 15 years” when Mark gave him his bandanna?
And Robin looks tons better with dark hair.
Okay first of all, I agree about everything you said about Kina. Secondly, I love your blog and I paid homage to your challenge post in my blog about reality TV. You should check it out! It’s called Get REALity and it’s for an online journalism class at Northeastern! Keep up the good work!!
Meg
http://megs7886.blogspot.com/
So what is the consensus for the length of Mark’s sabbatical? The Svan says he will return on within 3 of these challenge shows…
Those screen shots of kina give us excellent insight into how she will look when she is old and takin on Jersey by storm in her toyota camry. let’s just hope bazooka joe gets out while there is still time.
what an effin biotch kina was, cara and robin were def. hot and brad and alton was pretty chill. “another timmy classic!” CLASSIC! great recap and this season was lame, hope the next ones get better.
Ash (#4), I agree that Beth looked way better on this than she ever did on the challenge. Maybe when Beth saw herself on the show there was some cosmic revelation and she went to a make-up professional.
B-Side, you may do all the Kina bashing that you want, ’cause the girl deserves it.
I never thought I would say this but I hope the Skank patrol shows up in the next challenge- this one was so boring. Of course the theme needs to be better. And the challenges need to be better as well. And the host. Wait, why am I still watching this?
Don’t ever question your hate for Kina. She is an 8 year old trapped in an adult’s body judging by her schoolyard fighting, clothes, & make-up. I mean, Randy actually chooses to be seen with her??
I loved when Derrick called out Beth and then Beth got him back with the whole Montana/Jamie thing. I actually like Beth more than Kina-Beth at least knows it’s all a game, even though she falsely believes she’s above everyone else. She does things to make good tv-might as well if you keep getting paid for it & get screen time. Kina thinks this is all reality & has delusions of grandeur.
All I could think when I watchd this show was I’ve never seen so many stupid morons all in one place at the same time, like an anti-brain trust. Then I watched True Life & discovered they were missing the top 3 anti-brain’s. (Doesn’t really make sense, I know, but you know what I mean)
B-Side, you are a god in my world!!! Seriously, to reference Conrad Birdie and to use the term “Idiot Bitch” in one review. In a word: awesome. I have using the phrase “idiot bitch” for years. I love that you use it, too. It is a perfect way to describe her. She makes me think of a character that Parker Posey would make up in a Christopher Guest movie. She’s a piece of work.
Susie the host bugs me. She can’t keep the energy going in her reunion shows. Or she just interrupts everyone who’s saying something ‘good’. Where’s La La when you need her!
And B-Side, don’t second-guess yourself, Kina IS a crazy ass bitch. Looks like she already spent all her prize money on blue eyeshadow, red lipstick and Mystic Tan sessions.
b-side, after the bye bye birdie reference, i think i’m a little bit in love with you!
Why did Alton and Mark keep their sunglasses on during the show? Did they thnk they were both Jack Nicholson?
Ok, I didn’t watch this so tell me – what was Aneesa doing when people were denying hooking up with her? That is HARSH! (Not that I blame them but really – there’s not enough alcohol in the world to justify that so you need to fess up.)
And that dark hair on Robin looks ridiculous.
I don’t know who you are, ClariceStarling, but I think you and I could be best friends.
Clarice, you are so on point-Parker Posey would play an excellent Kina!! Please Christopher Guest & Eugene Levy, make a movie about reality tv stars like you did about dog show people, puh-leeze??
#21—Aneesa wasn’t there at the reunion (there were only abt 12 or so people fr the show) so we ddn’t hear her side of the story. But they aired footage of her & Derrick sleeping & snuggling up (EW)!
Kina is awful, really & truly. i thnk she found the perfect idiot in Randy, who uttered 1 sentence at the beg. of the reunion show & was never heard fr ag’n. (prolly b/c Kina kicked him under the chairs!)
Ok, so this show just showed how stupid these people are and if they do not watch this reunion show and see how retarded they all are there is not a hope on earth for them. Doesn’t Kina have anyone in her life telling her to shut up? or stop with the I am the “caption” bullshit. It is truley pure, I will never miss an episope, entertainment. I fucking can’t wait till the “Fresh Meat” changelle that is coming, we can only hope that the Austin cast and these tools are all on it. Thank you again B~Side for your re-cap!
stacyrocks (#18) said about Kina “Looks like she already spent all her prize money on blue eyeshadow, red lipstick and Mystic Tan sessions.”
Absolutley, not to mention extra strength Crest Whitestrips. Did you see those teeth??? Good God. And you could tell she was trying to show them off. When she said the word “sick” she held her mouth in a ridiculous manner to reveal as many teeth as possible. blech. I start craving dramamine every time she is on screen.
I too saw the True Life episode. Tonya w/ short hair=bad idea. Also, I’m SOOO sure her boyfriend never heard of the Real World. Men NEVER lie to get into someone’s pants. Actually, I shouldn’t say that, he did seem like a nice guy.
Poor Bazooka Joe to be stuck with a super bitch like Kina.
I have to disagree with consensus and admit that i don’t think Aneesa is fat or ugly Seriously if that is your idea of fat we’re all gonna be looking like Tracie from 8th and Ocean. I will say I laughed when they showed the clip of Alton telling Aneesa to back of because “uh your like a lesbian.” So wise Alton!
Anyway here is where I think Aneesa was instead (NSFW)
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/6164848.html
Kina is such a bitch!! I really wish Cara would have really told her off… mark Long is a douche…. why didn’t they cover the whole Alton/Jodi thing? Not that much ever happened with that, but I’m surprised they didn’t ask about it.
If you wondered why Aneesa wasn’t at the reunion, maybe she was busy with this: http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/6164848.html
Not safe for work or your eyes really.
Sorry, I didn’t see that someone had already posted the link – don’t look twice, you’ll be suicidal!
Is it just me or does everyone hear the voice of Lenny from The Apprentice in their head when they read comments from The Svan?
LoL plethLaura (#31). I just heard a stern, robotic voice when I read ‘his’ comments, no accent. But I might now! I love The Svan’s comments.
My friend Ashley just informed me that, IN FACT, Danny, Melinda, Johanna, and Wes were all going to be attending the next challenge…..Along with Tanya (who has SERIOUS problems) If MTV added back Rachel, Coral, and Veronica all hell would break loose! I can’t WAIT for the new challenge! D-R-A-M-A is abound!!
ps- Did I really just get excited a/b a new season of the Challenge….?
Where is Aneesa? My f-ing work has us blocked from random sights so I cant see it….please spmebody let me know!!!
I have to say that after this Yawntlet I’m looking forward to this next challenge. All the psycho hose beasts will be back & you mix that in with all the couples & high-strung frat boys you’ve got a whole lotta guilty pleasure fun happening! I think there should be like an ultimate reality tv star death match, like a Survivor with all the losers who can’t keep off of these shows (yet we still tune in…) where each week someone gets voted for death. ok, or maybe they just have to stay out of the spotlight, for these people it’s the same thing.
Derrick= grease lightning?
oh how i wish beth could get her shit together.. go to a gym and bulk up like an animal. she has the size to do it. she could go on a rampage in the next challenge and beat the shit out of all the lameo weak girls. i know it is just a fantasy because she does not have the mental drive. but ohhh it would be nice to see her kick.. kina, aneesa, montana and ibis fat asses.
AND UH oh yeah… RUN RANDY RUN!!!!
I’ll have to agree, Kina has some really nasty fake and bake going on……. geez what was she thinking?
#20, no one is as cool as Jack Nicholson. That being said, the sunglasses indoors was pretty ridiculous.
#26, Kina’s mouth is fucked up in general. If I were Cara, I would have leapt across the stage during the show and strangled that girl. When she gave that “it makes me sick” speech, the fake whiny voice she used made ME sick. And I hated her pouting bit. No one pities you, bitch.
As for Cara and Blonde Susie being put in “the most horrible-looking position of all time”… Well, forget about that Hitler guy. Killing Jews, no problem, but forming an ALLIANCE?! On MTV?! Get out of here!
For better or for worse, though, I love these shows.
Here is the ULTIMATE Battle of the Sexes Roster, my dream teams- mtv PAY ATTENTION:
Coral Veronica Rachel Tonya Beth Kina Cara Flora Amaya Melissa(New Orleans) Trashelle Sarah Leah Robin Belou Svetlana Mel
Landon Brad Karamo Derrick The Miz Dan Puck Abe Darrell David (seattle) Alton Ace CT Laterrian RoadRules Theo Veneer Danny Eric
Awesome drama would ensue.
Susie is a SUCKASS host.
Thanks for another great recap B-Side!
Derek is such an idiot.
I didn’t think it could be possible to actually produce more HATE for Kina, but I actually hated her even more after the Reunion show. At least Coral, Veronica and Rachel are fun to watch; Kina is just repulsive – I hope she doesn’t do any more challenges – I really can’t stand even looking at her.
It wouldn’t surprise me if Kina spent all her AND poor ever-eloquent seat-filler Randy’s prize money to get her other-worldly-look on… Actually, I think she might have spent it in another failed attempt to hide her true 1/3rd-dimension demon form. She looks like she smells like musty cat pee.
why is everyone ragging on kina so hard? yes, she can be a bit annoying. and yes, i lost a certain amount of respect for her when i saw the fake-n-bake (especially next to pale a** randy). BUT, this girl did work her butt off as captain. just judging by the cans of gauntlet whoop-ass that she opened up on cara and jillian, she definitely proved herself on this season.
the sad part is these people really believe in their own twisted minds that they ARE celebrities! hence the sunglasses and the look i think i am Danny outfit that Brad was trying to pull off..sad.
Derrick needs to sit down. Anyone that can lose to someone named TIMMY needs to just keep it shut. Speaking of shutting up..maybe all those fake bake rays got into Kina’s brain. Her self-righteous “it makes me sick” comment and equally scary face saying it was enough to make me throw something at the screen.
Maybe somebody can bury Wes in the sand on the beach and we will never have to hear from him again!
Beth rules! i hope she plays every Challenge and Gauntlet they have..if nothing else just to be a thorn in everyone’s side. She makes it fun and interesting that is for sure. And her taking out Ruthie and Montana was classic!