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For the past three months, loyal fans of all things silly and ridiculous have faithfully watched The Gauntlet 2 unfold on MTV. Week in and week out, we watched these people get drunk, yell at each other, run around a golf course, and then yell at each other again, all leading up to the Rookies’ not-so-triumphant win in the finale. You’d think we’d be ready to move on from this season, what with the idiocy flowing like molten lava from Mt. Pinatubo, but despite how many times we roll our eyes and look down our nose at these people, the simple truth remains that we are completely transfixed. Luckily, MTV provided us with a nifty little reunion show, and while there wasn’t the same adrenaline rush as when Austin’s cast completely bashed Danny on their reunion, I was still happily contended with all the bickering and yelling that did go on. And if we learned nothing else, it’s that the editing does lie: Kina really is an idiot. An idiot in blue eye shadow.Our host for this grand event was none other than Susie, MTV ingenue extraordinaire. She kicked off the special by praising Derrick and saying that her heart went out to him. In true moronic form, he patted his heart and gestured back to her as if to say “Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. That really means so much to me.” Okay, let’s not be ridiculous here. She was just offering up some basic pleasantries. Leave it to Derrick to treat her comments like they were spoken from the Prime Minister of Ghana.
Anyway, Susie then asked him what it was like to come so close and lose at the last Gauntlet. “It sucks. I really did fight hard and–” he started before Susie cut him off and said, “Yeah, absolutely. Do you think…” Way to let him get three words out, SUSIE. But then again, I shouldn’t be so hard. After all, Susie did receive most of her journalistic training from the exclusive interviews she landed with her My Little Pony set.
Susie then asked how the hell the Vets lost the eating contest. Derrick said it was because of Ibis (no surprise there), and Mark — who looked extra dumb in his overly trendy outfit — said that the night before, he and David had some sort of debilitating stomach flu. Of course, this begs the question, “Why the hell did you do the eating contest??” But sometimes asking for logic from the Bunim/Murray stars is like squeezing water from a stone. And yes, I can totally imagine Derrick trying to squeeze water from a stone.
Another fun little fact from the eating contest was that Julie — the girl who spearheaded the whole thing — couldn’t keep her food down. But since one spot of vomit would result in disqualification, Timmy actually had to eat the food out of Julie’s mouth. It doesn’t get much more foul than that. Timmy then joked that he thinks that he might now officially be Mormon. Does being a Mormon include overly rehearsed jokes? Just wondering.
As for voting strategies, Beth said “It was a complete and total popularity contest!” Well, don’t act surprised, Beth. You know as well as everyone else that The Challenge always reverts everyone to their 7th grade selves. Or as Veronica and Tina call it, “their normal selves.”
Cara, meanwhile, disputed that the Rookies based Gauntlet decisions strictly on performance. She claimed that she was a much better performer than someone like Ibis, but Alton — who was unnecessarily wearing sunglasses indoors — rebutted that the whole alliance scandal made her a threat to the team. “Alliance schmalliance,” Cara said, noting that all of Kina’s friends from her season were with her in the end. Ooops! Kind of forgot about that one, Kina!
Speaking of Kina, this idiot bitch had summoned her inner Jersey Girl to the nth degree. Not only had she shellacked her face with trashy blue eye shadow, but she had seemingly just spent the past four days holed up in the Real World’s Mystic Tanning salon. Seriously, she was tanner now in the middle of winter (when this was shot) than when she was galavanting around for three weeks in the Caribbean sun.
Also looking somewhat ridiculous was Brad, who with his cocked trucker hat, stubbly facial hair, chains, and wife beater, was trying to look tough and gangsta, but instead looked more like AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys’ heyday. Also, I couldn’t be sure, but his teeth looked awfully shiny. I’m not gonna say that he went all Danny on us and fitted himself with some new “veneeyahs,” but I’m not ruling it out either.
Anyway, the spotlight soon shone on Beth who refused to admit that she liked being the villain. In one of Derrick’s very, very rare moments of brilliance, he confronted the biatch and said that whenever she stirred up shit, she always had one eye on the camera — kind of like when she told Robin that Mark and Jodi had had sex. We then saw that clip, and believe it or not, Derrick was actually right. Who’d have thunk it?
Susie then pressed Mark Long about all his love triangle issues, and he defended himself by saying, “To be honest, I love everyone. Susie, if I spent the day with you, I’d love you too.” But if she touched his faux hawk, she’d be dead faster than you can say “V.O. 5.”
We then returned to Kina who explained why she was all stressed out all the time. You see, towards the end, she just wanted to be “done with the captain, done with the Gauntlet. I just wanted to be able to breathe and relax.” And soak in a vat of bronzer for three weeks.
Later, it was time to talk with Cara, and “blonde” Susie (a.k.a. not the one asking all the dumb questions) said “Drama follows Cara.” This caused Kina to speak up and smirk, “I think that Cara creates lots of drama, and I think that’s why drama follows Cara.” No shit, Sherlock. That’s the whole point of saying “Drama follows Cara.” Good ol’ Kina. She never saw an idiom she couldn’t naively articulate. I can just imagine Cara saying “She was like a bull in a China shop,” and Kina responding, “No! She was CLUMSY!” Actually, chances are that Kina would just yell, “What bull? What China shop? You’re making things up! You’re a liar! You make me SICK!!”
Cara: “But it’s just an expression–”
Kina: “Say what you want to say to make yourself feel better, but I know the truth! PERIOD!” And with that, Kina would go storming off with Ibis in tow.
Anyway, speaking of Cara, we then dove right into the biggest controversy of the season: the nefarious alliance, or as Susie called it, “The Brad-muda Triangle!” Turns out that the whole thing was just some idle talk over drinks. Really? Who would have thought a dumb drama-queen like Kina would turn something small and harmless into an all-consuming fiasco? Nevertheless, despite this all being a giant brouhaha over nothing at all, the intellectually-challenged Rookie captain still got all fired up about it, telling Cara, “the second that that information came about, it just put you guys in the most horrible looking position of all time.” Yes, that’s the point. Horrible looking. And if you were half the captain you said you were, KINA, you would have taken the time to figure out if this alliance was horrible looking or truly horrible.
Cara then tried to explain herself more, and in typical fashion, Kina blatantly interrupted her. Luckily, Cara’s never one to shy away from a passive aggressive put-down, and so she said, “I’m not finished. I’m not finished. God, you really, like, love to [shaking her hands, flaring her eyes]… it’s crazy.” Normally, I’d make fun of someone for being so obnoxiously PA, but I was thrilled, knowing that it probably made Kina’s heart beat furiously under those thick layers of tanning chemicals.
Nevertheless, Cara said that if she were seriously considering the alliance, “I probably wouldn’t have given it away because I had crazy feelings for him [Brad], you know?” And with that, Cara paused and looked at the audience as if to say “Ooops! Did I just ‘unintentionally’ slip that out? Tee-hee! I’m wonderful.” Sadly for her, no one even cared about her feelings for Brad, and we moved on without more than a nanosecond of thought on the whole situation.
Soon, everyone began gabbing about alliances until Mark finally declared that “alliance” was too strong a word. It’s more like “Who do you like? Who do you have that has your back, and that’s as simple as that.” So basically… it’s a popularity contest. Just like Beth said.
Speaking of Beth, Susie then returned her dopey wrath on the hated cast mate and asked why the hell she quit. “In my opinion, because of the way my team was playing, I thought they were lame. They did not deserve to win, and if they wanted to be stuck with somebody like Aneesa who has asthma and can’t run and has basically done not one thing for the team, then they deserve to be stuck with her at the end.” That was basically her longwinded way of saying, “I didn’t want to get pinned under Aneesa’s massive heft in the Beach Brawl.”
The woe-is-Beth tales continued when she then said the reason why she didn’t even try that one rope challenge with Timmy was because she knew she was going into the Gauntlet anyway; so why risk hurting herself? Never mind that the only risk to herself was falling into the ocean and perhaps banging a fingernail on an errant seashell. You gotta love Beth. Sometimes I can’t tell if she’s wonderfully deluded or amazingly cunning.
We then went from one quitter to another: Mark Long. Yes, in a dramatic revelation that surely rocked the world of his faux-hawk, Mark Long announced that he was quitting The Real World/Road Rules Challenge for good. Wow. Too bad he’s about five years too late. Anyway, to commemorate this auspicious moment in the MTV history, Mark handed off his revered bandana to Derrick, a token from one generation to another. Everyone then clapped — as if this actually meant anything — and the two guys hugged. I really liked the assumption that anyone at home cared about this. Every other former cast member has just sort of quietly disappeared and moved on with their lives. But Mark has a whole stupid bandana ceremony as if we were bidding adieu to Nelson Mandela.
Suddenly, a booming, hazy voice filled the studio. It didn’t take much to realize who it was (TJ), but that didn’t stop Kina from yelling “TJ?!?!?!” as if Conrad Birdie were about to waltz in.
Sure enough, TJ did come ambling in with a shy, goofy grin on his face. This then led to some unaired footage of him fighting with Syrus. Basically, during the Gauntlet, TJ yelled, “Quit yelling at me, mother f*cker!” The two then got in each other’s faces for a few seconds until grandpa Timmy rushed in and broke it up, reminding the two that this was just a stupid game and that TJ should act professional. Timmy then put on a stupid wig and bikini shirt, cupped his hand under his armpit, and made loud farting noises. Okay, maybe that last thing didn’t happen, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did in the future.
We then saw more secret footage, which pretty much involved Aneesa and Derrick getting it on (ew) and Jamie and Cara possibly hooking up. Plus, there were rumors that Aneesa got her nasty-ass groove on with Alton too, but He-Man played it off in his typical way, saying, “It wasn’t a hookup. It was more like a random… uh…” And with that, he trailed off, successfully having dodged the bullet. Thanks for pressing him for an answer, Susie.
As for Aneesa’s other rumored conquest, Derrick denied having done anything with her. Beth echoed that, saying, “She was sleeping in Derrick’s bed.” To that, Derrick let out a random, mocking, “YEAH!” as if Beth had just assaulted his character.
“What?” she asked. And with that incisive question, Derrick realized he had nothing to say and shut up. Foiled again!
Susie then pressed Blonde Susie about the whole Jamie/Cara thing, and the perky Rookie laughed and said she was only talking about what she had heard. Cara then added, “It was a threesome!” I didn’t know if Cara was clarifying the record or merely telling us what other rumors Susie had been spreading, but suddenly, Kina crashed this lighthearted party by hopping on her soap box and seething, “I mean, if you’re going to talk a lot of shit about people, if you’re going to make up lies, the best thing you can do is own up to your bullshit. And y’all are not… owning up to your stuff. Because I just, I truly cannot deal with sitting here, listening to you lie. It makes me sick. And that’s all I’m going to say.”
What the hell was she talking about? Everyone was just laughing and having fun and talking about silly rumors, and Kina acts as if they were on the verge of another Gauntlet vote. There have been very few sanctimonious bitches on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge that have been as annoying and stupid as Kina. God, I hate her… and God, I hope she’s on the next cast.
Another rumor we learned about was that Montana and Jamie were purportedly getting it on. Beth verified this, causing Derrick to shout — I mean, shout — “JAMIE WAS NOT HOOKING UP WIHT MONTANA!!!” What the hell was his problem? Chill, dude.
Well, poor Derrick suddenly realized he was out of the loop as pretty much everyone nodded and did the “Uh, yeah. They were hooking up.” It was so wonderfully awkward and embarrassing for Derrick. If only he had a giant, periwinkle, knit cap to hide under.
The show came to a close on a light note as Brad made fun of the Austin reunion and accused Timmy of acting like Ben Affleck. Ah yes. The good times. Maybe if we’re lucky, the next time we have one of these Challenge reunions, Danny will actually be there to reenact his buffoonery in person. Until then, we’ll just have memories of another silly excursion to the tropics.
What did you think about the reunion? Am I being unnecessarily harsh on Kina? Or is she really that big of an idiot?