Inferno 3:16

OK, so much for all of my talk about being less tardy with the Real World/Road Rules Challenge (although I am really going to try to be better in the coming weeks). It turns out that the Inferno 2 is shaping up to be among the more interesting reunion seasons. So many of these people have turned Bunim/Murray appearances into a career that splitting the cast by sex or by season had become a little too boring. Eventually, the quality of the season will come down to the tasks and competitions, but the Good Guys vs. Bad Asses, while sort of dumb when you hear it, seems to have spawned some newfound rivalry and intensity among our cast, at least in the edited versions we get to see each week. Last week, the Good Guys lost, Mike and Dan were nominated for the Inferno, leaving us all in suspense (don’t everybody laugh at once) to see if they could save themselves, or which one of them would be eliminated.I am no saint, and I think it is pointless to legislate any sort of morality when it comes to alcohol or drug use, but I continue to notice just how much alcohol they provide for these people on the challenges. Yes, I realize that if Bunim/Murray didn’t provide them with booze, the first thing they would probably do is buy their own stash, but eventually something big is going to happen. You would think that the promise of thousands of dollars and a free trip to Mexico would be enough to get people to say yes to an invitation to a challenge, but I guess people want more. Money, travel, and reality star celebrity is not enough, you see. There needs to be something else, and that something else is semi-anonymous sex you will be sort of ashamed of afterwards.

But wherever you have a have a bunch of people being promiscuous, you have to have at least a couple of people looking down upon them. We also call these people “married”. They would be Julie and Jon, two of the Good Guys. As an added bonus, they also both love Jesus, which means plenty of extra self-righteousness to go around. Jon is also old, so he pulls off an amazing triple-threat of buzz kill. So when you see Landon and Derrick wrestling and acting like idiots, you can rest easy that Jon and Julie are around to represent God and love. They are outnumbered, but they believe.

I believe that last week when the Miz realized he was going into the Inferno, he acted tough and like he was ready for it, but you know that he didn’t like the idea of another early exit. He thought he was robbed in Battle of the Sexes 2, lost out on Tough Enough. Without the exposure of the Inferno 2, you wonder if his merchandising would fall off completely. The Mizfits don’t like a loser. As for Dan, he is a bad ass and can’t be intimidated. If he can save himself, fine, but if not, he and his bad ass pink shirt will take on all challengers.

Mike and Dan had a chance to save themselves in this week’s competition, “Juice It Up”. No, the object of the game was not to take steroids for years and participate in a home run derby, it was much more elaborate. Each person on the team would have to grab some fruit off of a rope and then fill up a cup. Although they would be competing head to head, the game was being scored on cumulative times. Oh, and did I mention that they had to do all of this on stilts?

Yes, you heard me right. The contestants would strap on stilts, run to grab the fruit, then run back and fill their cups full of juice. Did I mention that they were on stilts? And these stilts are some sort of new stilt technology that I haven’t seen before. Granted, I haven’t been following all of the advances in stilt technology over the years, but these stilts were pretty advanced. You basically strap them onto your shoes, and you are good to go.

In the early going, it was all Good Guys. They were running back and forth and built up a huge lead against the Bad Asses. Although there were spotters ready to pick anybody up who fell over, it still cost you a lot of time if you weren’t able to stay on your feet, or stilts in this case. I thought that this would be a perfect opportunity to make fun of Jon. He is easily the most portly of our current group, and it seemed like I would have an easy set up for some “the bigger they are the harder they fall type jokes”. Instead, Jon completely exceeded my expectations by posting the fastest time of anybody after he was done.

It looked like the Good Guys were going to notch up there first win, and then the unthinkable happened. Jodi knocked over her glass of juice when she was about 80% done, meaning she had to go back and get more citrus. She was the only one who had to go back, and quickly erased what had seemed like an insurmountable lead for the Good Guys and given the Bad Asses a huge advantage instead. Jodi was particularly upset, and cried. Mike went last, and although there wasn’t a very good chance that he could pull off the win for the Good Guys, he still had a chance to pull off a good time and save himself for the Inferno.

Well, Mike completely choked under the pressure, falling several times, and failed to save himself. Actually, he did pretty well, but still didn’t save himself. The Bad Asses had another win, and up next was the first trip to the Inferno. But then the unexpected happened. Usually, the people who win the lifesaving award are selfish and only care about themselves. Jon, however, is not selfish and cares about his team. He decided that he would save Mike and go into the inferno himself. Mike was overjoyed, and Julie was distraught. Her prayer buddy was gone, and without him, she might be forced into such sins as drinking, swearing, and staying up past 9. [Correction, Mike had the fastest time, Jon volunteered so he wouldn't have to make the decision. Hat tip - Chris.]

The great thing about the Inferno and the Gauntlet was that eliminations were decided by head to head matchups. With Battle of the Sexes, the voting became too cliquey and it ended up being nothing more than the Real World/ Road Rule veterans looking out for each other. The Inferno 2 also relies on head to head matchups, and the first competition would be “Hang Tough”, where each person would do a rhythmic gymnastic interpretation of their favorite NKOTB hit. Jon chose the ribbon and Dan chose the hoop.

As enjoyable as all of that sounds, Hang Tough involved nothing more the two challengers hanging from some monkey bars, trying to stay on as long as possible. So the scaffolding was lowered, and Jon and Dan began their climb as they took the monkey bars back up. I am not sure if there was that much strategy involved, if I were Dan, I would have tried to hold out until the much larger Jon got tired. Dan instead became the aggressor and decided to use some of better bedroom tricks to take Jon down. He wrapped his legs around Jon, and sort of dry-humped him until Jon lost his grip and fell down.

So, Jon and his unselfish demeanor ended up being his demise. It sort of sucks because he really is nice, and it does take a lot of guts to sacrifice yourself. Still, he is sort of boring, and probably wouldn’t get into any arguments or punch anybody, so for the good of an interesting season, he had to go. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Whoa, I guess I did get a chance to use that joke after all. Sweet.