Jenn Grijalva Must Die

I don’t know if I can handle another dull week of both “24″ and “The Inferno.” The best word to describe these two shows this week?

“Tiresome.”

I remember doing my first “Hills” recap for TVGasm a few months ago, and there was one scene in a beauty parlor where Lauren, Audrina and Heidi were getting all dolled up for New Year’s Eve. I was having a really hard time coming up with ways to make this scene funny, so I copped out, and just listed the notes I took from the scene. This caused quite the stir on the message board, prompting Sunshine858619 to post this constructive criticism:

“If you feel that a scene isn’t important enough to devote a sentence to it, just skip it all together.”

While this was indeed terrific advice, it poses a little bit of a problem when you come across episodes like this week’s “Inferno.” If I followed the advice to a T, this week’s recap would look something like this:

“After the credits, we were immediately thrust into the Inferno dungeon for the elimination match. Jenn cheats and beats Rachel. Rachel cries. The end.”

If you had Suzie and Alton coming at you, you’d cower in a corner too

Now that’s no fun for anyone, right? Well, let’s see what I can do to spice up this snooze-fest a little bit. On the bright side, I will admit that the ending was a little more exciting than I’m letting on. Alright, I lied again, I was on the edge of my seat yelling at the TV, so there may be hope after all. OK, enough farting around; let’s get this show on the road.

Last week’s episode climaxed – err – ended with Jenn and Susie being chosen for the first women’s Inferno. This meant that each needed to win the next challenge in order to acquire the life shield/tree branch/thing that strangely resembles a guitar. This week, we started out on the deck of Team Bad Ass, where Jenn, Janelle and Aneesa were strategizing (read: talking shit). Janelle then told us, “Everybody on our team wants Jenn to get the life shield.” Really? Jenn? Jenn Grijalva? Wow. I guess nobody’s mentioned the name Tyson Beckford in vain yet. The combination of Jenn’s newfound popularity and hanging with homegirls Aneesa and Janelle, seemed to trigger a change in the young alcoholic. These two things must have made her feel like she was back home in the “ghetto” of Martinez, California, because she started acting hard all of a sudden, saying, “I’m ready for this. I expected this. What you want? You want me in the Inferno? I’ll go in that Inferno, and I’m gonna fuck Susie up.” Word to your moms.

Is kenny doing the “air blowjob” thing from BREAKFAST CLUB?

On the other side of the house, Susie was trying to extend the olive branch of her alliance with Cara to Paula Walnuts and Colie. She told them, “I want to try and win the life shield and send in Rachel, because I think she’d have a better chance of coming back.” Paula wasn’t buying the whole alliance thing, and told Susie, “Kiss my ass, kiss my goddamn ass!” Just kidding; that would have been great, but in reality, she and Colie just readily agreed to the plan like the followers they are. Shortly after, Paula decided that Susie wasn’t clear enough explaining her idea, and broke it down in layman’s terms for us idiots back home: “Susie wants us to not necessarily give up, but more or less, help her get the life shield.” Thanks Paula, I’ll break it down in layman’s terms for you: She wants you to give up.

This plan was all well and good, but they forgot one thing – they needed to seek the approval of King Alton. When the king speaks, the peasants listen, and he stated, “I have all but 100% confidence in all our girls, but the only girl I can see feeding somebody to would be our pitbull (pronounced by Alton as Pitboooll), and that’s Rachel.” Everybody just kind of nodded and agreed with Alton’s decree except the pitboooll herself. While seemingly confident, the Canis Familiaris was acting a little apprehensive with the group, and said, “If Susie wins the life shield, I think it’s her decision, and if she wants to vote me in, then that’s… then I’ll win, and that’s just how it’s going to be.” The king was not to be deterred though, and told us, “Rachel knows how to rise to the occasion, stay calm in the line of fire; she went to Iraq, she’s a military girl.” When did Rachel suddenly become the universal soldier? Where’s Nehemiah when you need him? This girl needs to be knocked down a few pegs…

It seemed a little odd to me that King Alton was so quick to throw their strongest female under the bus, but it all made sense when he revealed his true intentions moments later. He told Susie, “You’re a huge asset to us, and I kinda don’t want to dangle one of our firecrackers over the water, and potentially lose it.” Oh, I see now. I get the distinct impression that the king wants to dangle something else in front of his little firecracker. Let’s hope not, for Susie’s sake – I highly doubt “Little Susie” can handle the human tripod. Maybe she saw “Real World Las Vegas,” and the hip-to-knee blur also known as the king’s “scepter.” Run and hide.

In ever interview, susie has at least one moment where her inner-monologue is:

“SHINY”

Susie was feeling pretty good after the gathering was adjourned, and told us, “I am very confident in Rachel, and if she does have to go into the Inferno, I am certain she will return.” Uh-oh, that’s bad news for Rachel. As we all know from past “Challenges,” utter confidence in someone is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Rachel might as well pack her bags now.

Before the Good Guys could finish throwing Rachel under the bus, there was still the little matter of everyone actually competing in the challenge, and Susie actually winning the life shield. We then heard the annoying ring of the group’s Sidekick, causing Abram to announce, “We got a call from TJ.” Wait a second… what? TJ’s calling in the clues now? This is groundbreaking stuff! Maybe TJ’s stoned and will try to do a James Earl Jones impersonation? Sadly, Abram is an idiot (big surprise), and it really was just another cryptic text message: “Tomorrow’s challenge will make your head spin. And guess what? Wear your team colors, and be ready to leave at 8:30 a.m. sharp.” I’m giving credit to the producers for writing “and guess what” in their clue, because I refuse to use the words “clever” and “wit” in the same sentence as “Abram.”

The next morning we found the group making their way to the Silvermine’s Natures Reserve for the challenge. Ugh, I see some sort of structure propelled in the air behind TJ. This is not a good sign. Has there ever been a challenge in this series including heights that was entertaining? I say no.

TJ’s explanation of the rules to this challenge were so ridiculous that I have to see what they look like in print.

“Today’s challenge is called ‘Wrap and Roll.’ As you guys can see, behind me there is a fifty-foot platform hoisted a thousand feet in the air, and today you guys are going to be going across that. We’re going to put you guys in guy/girl teams, and since today is a girls’ Inferno day, the girls are going to do all the work. For the Bad Asses, there is going to be one extra girl, so she is going to be able to choose one guy, and he’s going to have to go twice. You guys are going to be connected by a twenty-foot rope, and the girls are going to start on the end. When I sound the airhorn, the girls are going to start wrapping themselves in the rope, so that they can advance towards their partner. When they get there, they are going to unwrap themselves, so the partner can advance the rest of the way across the beam. You’re going to continue this process until you go all the way to the far side of the beam, and back to the start/finish line. These are the rules to get you DQ’d: You cannot touch any of the wires or ropes around you holding you up in the air. When you’re wrapping, you need to keep the rope real taut, and if the rope touches the beam, then it’s a disqualification, and the last one is, you have to do it in under ten minutes. The team with the fastest combined time wins ten thousand dollars to be banked in their team bank account.”

Dear God… Screw the actual challenge, I say

TJ gives the teams ten minutes to try and explain how this event works, with the closest team getting the $10K. The whole time TJ was trying to explain the rules, every person looked completely dumbfounded. Alton kept scratching his head. Cara and Susie continuously glared at each other. Kenny stopped paying attention completely, and started kicking rocks in the background. How many takes do you think it took TJ to explain the rules to these buffoons? Five? Ten? Even I am slightly confused, and I have a college degree, plus, I had the benefit of visual aids. Some of them might have had a better chance of understanding the rules had TJ relayed them in Creole. The commercial couldn’t have come at a better time; I needed to regroup.

Here’s hoping this event isn’t a complete yawner. The only way I see this challenge being any good is if there are some awkward falls and injuries. Since they are roped together, if a girl falls off, will it cause a chain reaction of the guy being whiplashed off as well, potentially causing body parts to slam off the platform? One could only dream. Good thing they signed those nifty waivers when they agreed to do the show. Actually, do you think Derrick, CT and a few others receive benefits from MTV like health insurance and dental since these shows are their full-time jobs?

When we returned from the break, TJ still had more explaining to do. The prize for the winning pair would be… Schwinn gas-powered motor scooters! Yikes, those are a far cry from the BMW crotch rockets they gave away last season. It’s a good thing Jacquese doesn’t do these challenges; the mere sight of one of these scooters may have caused him to willingly leap off the cliff. In case you don’t remember what happened to Jacquese, I’ll turn it over to B-Side and the first-ever “Real World” recap:

“So the three boyz lit up the streets of Greece on their little bikes. Jacquese seemed to be eating it up. He had a big smile on his face, but I wonder if that was just due to him finally seeing the light of day after emerging from wherever it is that he hides all day. The smile was short-lived as his moped suddenly flopped over and he went flying across the road into a bush. And then a commercial break. Wait, did I just see that? Did Jacquese just completely wipe out?” Yes, yes you did.

I bet Jacquese sees this picture in his nightmares.

Although I think mopeds are pretty lame, TJ was acting like it was the greatest prize they had ever given away. “You can pick up hot chicks on this, and if you’re a girl, you just look cute.” If you’re a “hot chick,” and you’ve gotten picked up by a guy driving a motor scooter, I feel terribly sorry for you. The one good thing about the prize is that it’s given me someone to root for in the challenge – Danny. Before you jump to any conclusions, chew on this scenario for a second. The most hated person on the show enjoying a scenic ride on his gas-powered motor scooter through the streets of Boston… Yup, the chances of someone running over and striking him off the bike with a baseball bat are EXTREMELY high. Go Danny!

EV and Derrick were the first ones to attempt the challenge. Approximately two seconds later, the rope hit the beam and they were disqualified. Uh-oh, that was not a good start…

Next up were Davis and Rachel for the Good Guys. They seemed to be faring a little better, but all of a sudden MTV flashed the clock to reveal they only had 10 seconds left, and they were only about 1/5 of the way through the challenge. The only entertaining part of their effort was Davis telling Rachel “You have all day,” two seconds before the airhorn went off. Idiot. Apparently Davis wasn’t listening when TJ explained rule number 258.4, subsection 9, line 16 about the ten-minute time limit.

After that, Abram and Janelle got their turn. Janelle took a few steps, stopped dead in her tracks, and stood there idly until the time ran out. Meanwhile, Abram was screaming like an idiot the whole time: “Do a whirly derbish! DO A WHIRLY DERBISH!!!!!!!!!” What the hell’s a “whirly derbish?” I like to think that it’s a synonym for “douchebag.” Abram is such a whirly derbish.

Ace and Colie took their shot at the beam next. “Colie’s my partner; she doesn’t seem like the type that would be good at walking and spinning at the same time,” Ace said. I’m all for personal attacks on Colie, but this was pretty lame. Don’t worry Colie, I’m not so sure I’m the type that would be good at walking and spinning at the same time either.

Surprisingly, Colie seemed to be doing really well with the challenge, but she only got ¾ the way through when TJ blew the airhorn. Colie was visibly frustrated after the time expired, and griped, “This challenge seems to be like mission impossible. It’s really frustrating knowing that if no one gets this done, we’re doing the whole thing over again.”

Awww… Fuck this, dude! Come on! Oops, sorry, did I say that out loud? Actually, that was just Kenny’s verbatim thoughts when the producers initially cut to him on the beam. It appeared that Kenny and Aneesa were afraid of heights, because neither one of these ninnies would even stand up on the beam. Kenny told us, “I’m totally chill with just sitting here; it’s high, it sucks, I just watched four or five teams get disqualified, why the hell am I even going to attempt this?” Unlike cannons and castles, apparently heights were not one of the things Kenny came here for. This pair’s effort infuriated TJ, as he kept screaming “Come on!” and “This is it, get going!” Eventually TJ gave up and just blew the whistle. Kenny and Aneesa are now official members of “The Lavin Shit List,” joining charter member Cameran and shit list captain Beth.

Next up were Bananas and Walnuts, and they started well, which caused Susie to cry out, “Johnny and Paula are doing so well that I actually think that she has forgotten about poor little Susie.” I don’t know about you guys, but I couldn’t give less of a shit about poor little Susie at this point. Someone needs to complete this challenge, and I don’t care who it is anymore. Go Team Key West!

Someone somewhere wants to bone this. . . so sad.

DAMN IT. The rope hit the beam. Somebody please fire the guy who thought up this challenge. Bananas seemed equally upset, saying, “Oh my God dude, not one team has completed this, and it’s getting more and more to the point that it’s like, ‘Can somebody just finish this damn thing so we can get out of here?’ ” Amen. Take a wild guess how many of the next three teams completed the mission. If your answer was zero, then you’re smarter than 99% of the contestants on the show. Danny and Tonya failed first; luckily ‘roid boy didn’t try to strangle her with the bungee cord afterward. Then Timmy and Cara intentionally DQ’d themselves when it appeared they had a chance to actually complete the mission. Thanks for coming, guys. Finally, Derrick and Jenn went, and they got sooooooooooooo close to finishing, but the time ran out with five steps left. This one KILLED me. They were right there! I actually shouted the words “Faster, you stupid bitch!” at my TV when there was a minute left.

We were down to our last hope – THE KING.

Please let Alton will them to victory. Please let Alton will them to victory. Please let Alton will them to victory. The king and Susie got off to a terrific start: They were more than halfway done with the course, and there were still five minutes left (crossing my fingers). The clock ticked down to about a minute left, but they seemed to be on pace to actually finish! KEEP THAT FUCKING ROPE TAUT! 3-2-1…

What the hell?? Oh, commercial…

They did it!!!!!! Thank God. The Bad Asses didn’t even look upset when Alton and Susie finished. I’m surprised the two teams didn’t gather together for a group hug afterward. I felt like a 200-pound weight was lifted from my shoulders, and I wasn’t even there. This called for a cocktail. Captain and Coke, anyone?

(Mmmmmm, Tuesday night alcohol.)

TJ then went through the usual formalities of announcing the winners, giving the Good Guys an oversized novelty check, and handing Susie the life shield/tree. Before we made our way to the Inferno dungeon, there was some trouble brewing in Camp BA. It was kind of hard to understand what was going on, but it appeared that Abram was accusing Aneesa of tanking the mission in order to save Jenn. Aneesa half-heartedly denied it before coming clean, which caused EV to go berserk. She stood up, crawled to the front of the bus, and started angrily pointing and swearing. Maybe Evelyn is taking steroids as well? Not much came of the confrontation, other than Jenn snapping at her team for trying to help her out: “I don’t want anyone to kiss my ass to try and save me. I’m not here for that shit. Everybody know that now!” Talk about it!

The teams then filed into the Inferno dungeon. The first issue on the agenda was who Susie was going to call to replace her. Just as proclaimed by King Alton, Susie chose Rachel the Arr Arr.

I would let TJ try to explain this Inferno, but I don’t feel like being here all day. Basically, the two women stand on platforms with jousting sticks. The sticks are not for hitting each other; they are for hitting four targets on the opponent’s side. When the targets are hit, the opposing woman’s platform will slant a few degrees. You need to make your opponent fall off three times to win. Both women seemed confident, but the smart money is definitely on Rachel, because she used jousting sticks before, in the Army…

As the challenge began, Jenn immediately started whacking Rachel with her bow of padded fury, but Rachel went after targets, and after striking 3, Jenn went tumbling off. 1-0, Rachel. I thought hitting each other with the jousts was illegal? Guess not. The next round started, and Jenn really started going after Rachel with her stick, hitting her in the head several times. The final blow to the head caused Rachel to fall off. This is bullshit! You can’t hit people! After a lot of yelling, TJ stepped in and disqualified Jenn for hitting Rachel and not the targets. 2-0, Good Guys.

Nice – this one was in the bag, and now Jenn would quit hitting our canine friend with her stick after being reprimanded. Apparently Jenn has a hearing problem, because the next round started and she began striking Rachel again, but instead of hitting her in the head, it was body shots. She then struck Rachel’s joust as hard as she could, which caused GI Jane to fall off. Alright, TJ’s going to step in now and disqualify Jenn again for not going after the targets, right? Wait a second… He’s letting this fly??? 2-1, Rachel.

Before the start of the next round, Jenn told us, “I’ve figured out her weakness, she can’t hold on to her stick. She can’t hold on to it right.” Well yeah, but that shouldn’t matter because you can’t hit your opponent, you stupid bitch. Oops, there I go again. The next round was more of the same:

Jenn prepares for her inferno:

“THE MULTI-RACIAL INTRAMURAL JENN GANG BANG LINE UP”

TJ screaming at Jenn to go for the targets, Jenn continuing to hit her opponent, and Rachel falling off. All tied up, 2-2. TJ, STOP THIS!

Alright, I’m officially on the edge of my seat now. If Rachel loses to this cheater, I’m going to fire my drink at the television. The rubber round started, and the Good Guys began screaming at Jenn to stop going after Rachel with the stick, but for some reason TJ wasn’t doing anything about it. Rachel was holding her ground this time while being belted, but in-between doling out body shots, Jenn was hitting an occasional target, and Rachel wound up falling off. ERRONEOUS, ERRONEOUS ON ALL COUNTS! This was the biggest miscarriage of justice I’ve ever seen on a “Challenge,” and there have been quite a few.

While Jenn celebrated like a second-grader on top of the platforms, Rachel bombed out of the Inferno dungeon, and took solace next to one of the cardboard dungeon walls. Jenn then told us, “When you win, it’s a sweet feeling, especially when your opponent is really distraught about losing.” You only won because you fuc… I’m officially biting my tongue now. Jenn is now public enemy #1 in my book. Colie, rest easy, the majority of my wrath has a new target.

Alton and Susie tried to console Rachel, but it was no use. Rachel then told us, “It’s just being so ashamed that some chubby civilian girl can beat me.” Fact.

After the tears had seemingly stopped, TJ began the usual post-Inferno formalities. He allowed Jenn’s return to her team, and then encouraged Rachel to say goodbye to her team, “Go ahead, say goodbye to your teammates. Come on, say goodbye to your teammates. Please?” TJ’s pleas went unanswered, and Rachel bombed out of the dungeon without saying a word to anyone. While this was dreadfully awesome, I’m still too mad about that farce of an Inferno to adequately comment.

Before the episode ended, Alton had a few choice words for his dearly departed pitboooll. “It’s hard to see her go out like that, but again, it’s just a game, and if you can’t play the game, then the competition is going to play you.” Isn’t there a TVGasm All Star that had some thoughts about playing the game?

“I HATE THE FUCKING GAME!” ~ Roz

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Rozzy. While I may have hated the outcome of the Inferno, the ending definitely got my adrenaline pumping. Plus, next week looks awesome. For anyone that missed the preview, the producers allow the combatants to play with fire, and Ace appears to sexually assault Colie. I’m still on-board. What did you guys think? See you on the board…