Challenge: Kenny Gets The Sads

Previously:  Wes poked the bear.  The bear won the challenge.  Wes somehow still thinks he is a golden god.  Ev and Paula won once again.  Camila and Theresa became this season’s resident “OMG, I cannot possibly comprehend the fact that I have been voted into an elimination round despite the fact that I am a rookie and everyone else has been doing these things together for 27 years.”  Hulkel and Skull Beads not only won the elimination round, but did it without Hulkel complaining about what a worthless pile of feces she has for a partner.  The Douche Trio, along with Wes, came up with a plan to get rid of CT and Adam.

This plan is destined to fail solely because Wes is tangentially involved.

Currently:  Fun beach shenanigans!  Yay, Costa Rica is so awesome!  Quoth Evan:  ”The team that swims naked together is the team that performs together.”  Thankfully, he is not referring to himself here, but in fact Hulkel and Skull Beads who are in the water topless.  Drink if you thought that was a beached whale saying that, then realized it was just Evan.  They then echo my sentiments that Jasmine looks like a child.  Jenn spits out some contractually obligated nice things about their locale.

Wise move putting Evan on the bottom; that will be a soft landing.

The Douche Trio whine about their partners as Kenny tells us being paired up with Wes makes him work harder because he doesn’t want to be the reason they lose.  Johnny, on the other hand, says he and Tyler are getting along well so far- they may fight, but they’ll “tear the roof off this bitch.”  Since it’s Johnny Bananas, I can only assume he somehow meant that as an insult to one or more females.

Well of course we are, Kenny; otherwise, how would we poop?

MikeMike has the honor of reading their latest clue from “TJ,” and instead of getting pelted with something, he gets pantsed by Bananas.  Damn, Johnny, a couple of weeks on a team with Tyler and you’re a total homo.  Ya dumb bitch.  The clue refers to crawling, bathing suits, and 8 am.  Evan brings up saddles and horses, and Bananas throws out a dominatrix theme.  Katelynn says she wants to prove herself this time since she didn’t do well last time.  It’s lost all meaning for me since she seems to say that every time.

Evan informs us that he is in a three-way… oh, and also, he is in a three-way alliance.  I will give you 17 guesses as to who the other members of said alliance are.  If you said names that were not Kenny and Johnny Bananas, please punch yourself in the face until the end of this recap.

Thank you, person who ate Captain Obvious, for informing us of this dramatic twist in the game that none of us could possibly have predicted.

Evan then goes on to inform us that “CT is an absolute maniac” (YOU DON’T SAY?!  Evan is just full of these fascinating nuggets of wisdom today.  We get a recap of their plan:  have Paula and Ev put CT first and the Douche Trio last.  Make sure someone beats CT’s time (this is master strategizing, y’all), and then have Evan throw the challenge and go into the elimination against CT.  I wasn’t sure if Nehemiah was in on this one, but I saw a black arm in their “go team” cheer, so I suppose they included him.  Wes calls it “D-day,” which I can only assume stands for “Delusions of Grandeur.”

Wes informs Paula and Ev of the plan and gives them the order for the next challenge.  He then says that D-day means they drop every bomb they have and kill everyone in sight.  This is what I love about Wes:  while the Douche Trio and various others may jokingly compare things like the challenge to world wars, Wes is completely serious when making these comparisons.  Ev essentially tells Wes that it’s a terrible idea, which probably won’t result in CT going home, and could mean elimination for them instead.

Ev goes on to tell us that they think Evan can beat CT, but she thinks CT will kick the shit out of Evan, because “Evan’s fat and out of shape.”  Ev once again tells Wes that it’s a terrible idea, but he tells her that the cool kids told him if he goes along with it they’ll totally say hi to him in the hallways, so… you know.  Ev asks if they care about her opinion, which is hilarious because she is a female and has she met them?  Has Ev always been this awesome?  Because, you guys, she is SO AWESOME right now.  Also, Ev seems to have taken up a voice for the entire comments section.

If she has a disagreement with herself over finding CT hot vs. finding him abusive and dangerous, she’ll have covered almost everything.

Truth or Dare shenanigans!  Everyone appears to be drinking Ecto Cooler.  Anybody else remember that?  Anyway, Paula and Ty kiss for five seconds which is somehow earth-shattering.  I don’t get it, and neither does Evan’s sleepy face.  Mandi and Laurel makeout, and it is uneventful.

CT does not want to have Roy Lee lick his ear, and therefore must remove an article of clothing.  This eventually leads to CT being naked and in the pool as Hulkel tells us she’s attracted to alpha males and wishes CT would flirt with her instead of with Mandi.  I’m sure several commenters will be thrilled to know there are more members of the Moist Patrol (as we have been dubbed in last week’s comments section).

Roy Lee informs us that he is the only one not afraid of CT, even though CT is just chilling and not acting like the top dog in the house.  Just sleep with one eye open, Lee.  We want you safe.

Challenge time!  It’s called Hammock Crawl.  Each team has 15 minutes to crawl across a row of hammocks spread out high above… you guessed it… water.  That is now three out of four challenges this season that have taken place high above water, which is pretty much par for the course on this show.  Oh, and they can only touch two of the hammocks at a time (meaning both players have to be in the same hammock before they can touch the next one.  It’s a guys’ elimination day; usual rules apply there.

Awwww, TJ has a shirt honoring his bong.  That’s sweet.

Teej also calls the $2000 prize for the girls “interesting.”  There he goes throwing that word around again.  I do not think he properly grasps its meaning.

General strategizing begins as Adam tells us that he feels okay because Paula is “his girl” and since she’s making the order, maybe she won’t put him first (although it’s not that big a deal anyway since two teams go at once and there are only six guys’ teams left).  As they’re working on the order, Ev once again brings up her concerns, and suddenly Paula is worried about pissing of Adam and CT.  Well, she’s probably only really worried about CT.  Ev says they have to put CT first since Paula gave her word to Wes and they both know better than to piss off the Douche Trio.  Bananas tells us this will “say a lot about where their allegiance lies.”

Let me guess: you make them say a pledge of allegiance to your flag… or Evan’s gigantic boxer shorts.

After a commercial break with which to properly reflect on the tremendous consequences of this life-altering decision, Ev blames it on Paula and says they have to do what the guys want since they gave their word and “if you flip on your word you have nothing in this game.”  (DRINK!)  To be fair, Ev has earned the right to blame Paula for this one since she immediately raised these concerns to Wes in the first place.

CT informs us that Adam is the only one who is shocked that Paula and Ev put them first.  Adam isn’t annoying me as much as he is annoying some of you, but I agree that he’s an idiot to think the Douche Trio will have his back when they talk about absolutely nothing except for the need to get rid of CT.  Adam is offended that people hate CT more than they like him.  Awww, poor widdle Adam.  CT says this will bring them closer.

MikeMike says he’s a little nervous about being above water again (we get a flashback in case anyone forgot about his hard fall last week), and then makes a self-depricating comment about his upper body strength.  It’s typical MikeMike, which means it’s adorable.

A true study in contradictions:  Hoo-RAH vs. Hoo-awwww

As they get started, CT tells us that the hammocks wiggle and wobble.  Roy Lee tells us that he does not want to fall down because he is afraid of fish and sharks.  Hopefully, when he says “fish,” he means piranhas or something.  Adam gets insulted when MikeMike gets more cheers for a save than he does.  CT is the only one who is proud of his teammate’s Spiderman moment, and then unsurprisingly finish ahead of Leroy and Mike.

Up next are Mandi/Jenn and Sarah/Katelynn.  Katelynn sits on the platform and shakes her head like she’s having a temper tantrum while Sarah tries to convince her to at least try.  Poor Sarah, once again stuck with a teammate who won’t even try.  Also, way to show us that competitive spirit/ability you keep promising to have, Katelynn.  For future reference, most challenges will involve heights, water, or both, so if that’s such a problem you’re probably better off staying home.  *This message has been approved by TJ Lavin.*

Good job, Katelynn.  Way to strike fear into the heart of… your own teammate.

Mandi is at least trying, although she is also terrified and having trouble moving once in the first hammock.  Tyler, meanwhile, mocks Katelynn for curling up into a ball like an eight year old and being the worst competitor he’s ever met.  As we’ve seen many times before, Jenn’s short stature proves to be a disadvantage once again as she struggle to reach a hammock and then falls while trying to climb into it.  TJ blows the DQ horn, but gives them a courtesy “Good try.”  That is meaningful coming from him.  Also, I’ve got to give Jenn credit because she always tries even when her height is clearly a disadvantage.

Sarah, who is clearly frustrated, tells Katelynn she would have been very angry if this was a girls’ elimination day.  Sarah really is one of the nice ones, a lot of other people would have torn Katelynn a new one for that.

Up next are Kenny/Wes and Brandon/Ty.  Kenny gets into the hammock and promptly flips upside down, then desperately tries to hold on while Wes climbs in.  His arms are shaking like a leaf and mine hurt just watching him.  Before long, he falls and once again he and Wes have immediately DQ’ed on a guys’ elimination day.  Oh, he also ruined their “D-day” plan, so I guess that means Hitler wins or something.  At least, that’s how Bananas makes it seem.  Wes is pissed, and for once I can’t blame him, but let’s face it- his inability to avoid failure is probably rubbing off on Kenny.

Brandon tells us he is nervous, but he and Ty make it across without incident.  Meanwhile, CT is being all goofy, trying to get Adam to smile.  Adam says CT wouldn’t be nice to him if they were on opposite teams, and CT says he’s going to get Adam to say they’re friends even if he has to “beat it out of him.”

NO, CT!  BAD DOG!  That’s how you got into this mess in the first place!

Up next are Laurel/Cara Maria and Jonna/Jasmine.  Apparently Jasmine is terrified, but it doesn’t matter because Jonna “pulls a Kenny” and immediately falls out of the first hammock.  Jasmine is perfectly happy that she doesn’t have to try, but I think she would have if she had to so she gets a little credit.

Laurel informs us that she and Cara Maria are the only girls there with upper body strength, and she thinks it’s pathetic that the others can’t even do a pullup.  Meanwhile, Cara Maria is happy that Laurel is “trusting” her as they do challenges, and this makes her feel better about herself or something.  Good for her, or whatever, but Laurel is kinda crazy so don’t put too much stock in her opinion.  Anyway, they eventually make it across.

The last two guys’ teams- Evan/Nehemiah and Johnny/Tyler are next, and Evan reminds us of Kenny’s failure and says they don’t know who won, so he needs to win.

My, what a brilliant plan.  No one can compete with that level of strategery.

As they’re competing, Tyler tells us that Bananas is totally the best, most supportive boyfriend ever.  Evan tells us he and Nehemiah flew across the hammock and are sure they won.  Both teams make it across without incident (OR SO WE’RE MEANT TO BELIEVE).  Paula and Ev only make it to the second hammock before Paula loses her footing and decides that since it’s a guys day, it’s not worth the effort and she DQ’s.

Results time!  Despite being the only girls to make it across, Laurel and Cara Maria don’t get the prize because they took longer than 15 minutes.  TJ tells them they did a good job and then tells Paula (who is questioning the lack of prize) that this isn’t a charity, and they don’t get money because they didn’t finish in the time limit.

Teej reveals that while Nehemiah and Evan had the fastest time, they were touching three hammocks at once, which is against the rules.  Johnny and Tyler had the second-best time, so they are declared the winners.  Evan is not impressed with their celebration since he’s on a one-way train to Bittertown.  Teej then tells everyone what we already knew:  Kenny and Wes came in last and are therefore heading into the Jungle.  Kenny tells his cuddle buddies that he feels like he’s had a black cloud over him the whole game.

Don’t worry Kenny, that’s just Evan’s shadow.  Use the sun that shines out of Wes’ ass to counteract it.

They briefly discuss making a “power move” before immediately deciding to go for one of the “easy” teams (Brandon/Ty or MikeRoy) in the elimination round.  Back at the house, Kenny pouts while Wes tells us that Kenny sucks and he needs Kenny to pick up the slack and stop acting like a “95 pound blonde girl.”  Kenny and Evan discuss his lack of edge as Evan tells us that his “main man Kenny is on suicide watch right now.”

Evan is clearly not getting the hint that Kenny needs a big spoon right now.  Or should I say ladle?  Or ice cream scoop?

Oh no, Gasmii!  Kenny has lost his mojo!  Someone alert the authorities!  Evan asks Adam if he has seen Kenny’s mojo.  I don’t know why they’re acting like the location of Kenny’s mojo is a mystery when clearly, Evan ate it.  If anyone loses anything this season, just assume that Evan ate it.  Then Evan begins wrestling with Adam.

Wow, Evan, you’re wrestling with another man right in front of Kenny’s face like that?!  No wonder he has such a case of the sads!

Kenny tells us he thinks Wes is a bad luck charm.  I think he’s trying to deflect blame, but he’s also right.  Anything Wes touches is bound to fail one way or another.

Wes tells MikeMike that they want to send Brandon and Ty into the elimination round while simultaneously telling us that the “D-day plan” was for EVAN to take out CT, not his glorious self.  Thus proving for the billionth time that pussy-ass Wes is all talk.  Also, he doesn’t say it, but you just know he’s thinking that Kenny would find a way to screw it up.

Wes then flat-out tells MikeMike that he’s afraid he would lose to MikeMike at a puzzle (whatchoo talkin’ bout, Wes?  I thought you were the almighty god of all things in all universes.)  MikeMike tells us if that’s going to keep him out of the Jungle, then he’s totally the best at puzzles, he tells us with a sarcastic wink.

Oh Michael, don’t you know that “puzzles” on this show basically consist of drawing a square or counting in even numbers to 10 or spelling the word “word”?  Guaranteed you could do any of them in your sleep.

Not that I’m complaining about this situation, because obviously I want MikeRoy there as long as possible.  How fucking AWESOME would it be if, when MikeRoy eventually go into the Jungle, it ended up being a puzzle and they sent home… well, anyone?  Mike relays this information to Leroy.  Meanwhile, Ty tells Brandon that they should speak first and vote for MikeRoy in hopes that the bandwagon effect will work in their favor.  It’s a Hail Mary pass at best (and it’s not going to work because the Douche Alliance has too many votes), but it’s really they’re only shot and it’s not going to hurt.

At the vote, Brandon makes a nice speech about the votes changing constantly.  It’s well said, because Brandon is one of the few challengers capable of speaking coherently, but ultimately it was never going to work.  The Cancun J’s vote for MikeRoy since Brandon and Ty are their friends, and for some reason Wes takes this opportunity to get all in an uproar about them putting a target on their back.  As opposed to before?  They were never going to make it through the next elimination, all of the other girls are friends.

Also, I don’t know how you can possibly see any target on her back under all of that hair.

Teej makes the obligatory announcement of the matchup.  We then see Ev telling the Douche Trio that today she had a different opinion than they did.  Their monkey brains refuse to process the fact that this “female” had an “opinion,” as they do not allow such things in the fantasy world they’ve created inside their cuddle fort.  Ev tells us that they’re idiots, and if Kenny and Wes are eliminated it will mess up her alliance.  Well, Ev, you’ve clearly grown a brain at some point in your years of doing things, perhaps it’s time to stop allying yourself with these fools?

Brandon, Ty, Jonna, Jasmine, and for some reason Skull Beads talk about the possibility of getting rid of Kenny and Wes.  Jasmine says this will give the “underdogs” a shot, but I’m calling them the “outcasts.”

They are then granted the freedom of an outing to da Costa Rican club.  Walnuts, in her best Emma Stone impersonation, sarcastically informs us that the name of the club, “El Lobby,” is a fancy Spanish translation for “The Lobby.”  You stay fresh, Walnuts.  So far, so good this season.

MikeMike is getting a lapdance, presumably from a local, when the guys decide to make Paula do a shot of tequila out of his bellybutton.  Evan tells us they’re like that weird couple that met on the internet- no one knows how it started, but it works.  Can MikeMike PLEASE get laid already?  This is the 2nd or 3rd time someone has brought up him and Paula, that has to mean something, right?

Mandi flirts with CT a little as Laurel tells us that she wants to flirt with CT and get to see for herself why everyone thinks he’s such a bad boy.  She does this by standing inches from his face (which she can do because she is almost at his height) and asking for the gum he is chewing.  Is that… supposed to be attractive?  I’ll level with you, Gasmii, I’m a terrible flirt, but somehow this just seems wrong.

“Okay, so, you spit your gum in my mouth, and then I’ll take a sip of beer and spit it in your mouth.  That’s how you do it in Costa Rica right?”

Laurel desperately tries to flirt with CT, who quietly laughs it off as some jealousy sparks up on Mandi’s end.  Mandi moves back in to reclaim “her” man, while Bananas tries to convince Laurel this is a bad idea because Laurel needs to protect “tu curazon.”  Ay, Bananas habla espanol!  Yo no tengo un keyboard espanol.  Yo soy muy lazy.  Also, good lord, what did CT DO to Diem that all of the guys are constantly telling the girls that merely talking to him will cause them broken hearts.

Back at the house, Mandi expresses her disbelief to Paula that Laurel flirted with CT.  Walnuts has seen this many, many times before, as her pseudo-boyfriend Dunbar hooked up with various girls on various challenges.  She tells us she doesn’t think Mandi and Laurel are aware of the fact that CT is “doing work” in an attempt to start a catfight.

Jungle preparations.  Brandon prepares by doing some light exercise while predicting that he will win and have sex with every girl.  I love Brandon.  I’d probably hit that.  Ty sits on his bed as Nehemiah asks about his previous elimination round experience.  We get a helpful flashback to Ty losing because he literally collapsed and couldn’t finish the round.

Wes prepares by telling us that he is the axis on which Earth rotates.  Evidently, even Wes is mildly concerned with the possibility of losing a “Rock, Paper, Scissors” contest to the mere mortals he allows to be in his presence.  So I suppose being a “superior being” (his words, not mine) does not give him the ability to control such complex matters as Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Kenny prepares by… moping on his bed and giving Evan his extra jersey to wear in support.  Again.

Yay!  It’s the return of Evan Meringue Pie!

Evan informs us that Kenny is on the brink of a mental breakdown.  I think mental breakdown is in the rearview mirror, bro.  I seriously have never seen Kenny this mopey, and it’s kind of hilarious.  His cuddle buddies try to give him a pep talk, and all he can do is half-heartedly agree with them while he sits their wallowing.

Jungle time!  Roy Lee tells us that if Brandon and Ty win, the underdog guys will have the advantage.  The Jungle game is called Going Up.  There are four ropes, and each guy has to climb to the top of a rope and ring a bell.  If both players from one team make it up first, they win.  If the first two to ring the bell are from opposite teams, those two will face each other again to determine the winner.

Big surprise, Ty is confident.  Even less surprising, Kenny is not, even though Evan tries to encourage him.  Wes, however, has enough cockiness for the both of them.  Brandon is even-tempered as always.

In the first round, Brandon rings the bell first, followed by Wes, who edges out Ty.

Kenny, meanwhile, might as well just (for lack of a better phrase) “drop on the deck and flop like a fish.”

The douche trio have found themselves in the unlikely predicament of rooting for Wes, while CT is hoping Brandon can pull it out for the underdogs.  After a commercial break attempts to build suspense, Wes wins.  Easily, I might add, since Brandon can barely get a quarter of the way up before he falls and stops trying.  That’ll humble Wes.  Also, I’m kind of sad because I love Brandon and I don’t like to see him lose.  However, he hasn’t had much screen time this season and Kenny and Wes are much more fun to mock.  Plus, we don’t have to deal with Ty being an idiot.

Kenny plays Captain Obvious for a minute and tells us that Wes is carrying him through the game right now.  Kenny says he needs to get his confidence back before he ends up back in New Jersey, where he doesn’t want to be.  No one WANTS to be in New Jersey, Kenny, but somebody needs to sell t-shirts on the shore.  Evan tells us Kenny looked like a wet rag again, but luckily Wes brought his A game.  Bananas shouts his approval to Wes and Evan tells his babydaddy, “Ken, outstanding.”  Then they smile at each other like only lovers can.  It’s truly touching.

Luckily Brandon still gets the TJ Seal of Approval during his sendoff.  Brandon tells us he and Ty are slowly working on their rivalry and may be friends someday.  Ty says having Brandon as a partner did a lot for him, and the fact that they’ve been there as long as they have is a testament to Brandon’s relationship skills.

Ummm, yes, Ty.  Congratulations on making it all the way to the second guys’ elimination round.  A magnificent achievement to be sure.

CT is disappointed that he’ll still have Wes nipping and yapping at his feet like a little chihuahua.  Back at the house, Wes proudly high-fives the douches as Kenny laments his failure.  Wes fakes some encouragement to Kenny as he tells us he is vastly superior to Kenny in every way and that’s killing Kenny.

Next episode:  Jasmine melts down, possibly causing an implosion for her and Jonna.  Should be good times!

I am loving this season.  Between CT, Wes, and the Douche Trio, it is just a plethora of intentional and unintentional comedy.  As I mentioned, I am sad to see Brandon go, but he wasn’t getting any screen time anyway and the others provide much more entertainment.  What did you guys think of the episode?