More Adventures with The Miz

It’s been a while since I visited our old friend Mike The Miz and his plucky website; so I decided to dive into his collection of personal essays and see what gems I could pull out. Turns out that Mike has been fairly silent since early October, but that’s most likely due to Tough Enough obligations. Still, even though it’s December now, it doesn’t hurt to travel back in time a few months and find out what really makes the Miz tick.

I guarantee that you won’t be disappointed.My first stop on the Miz Express was a journal entry dated 10/9/04. Mike had flown into Dallas for some uninspired reason and hilarity ensued. Or at least highlights. Here is the odd opening paragraph (an no, this was NOT written by Carson Kressley):

As soon as I got to Dallas I went to the hotel picked up Cameran and we were off to my friends salon to get a hair cut. I was just going to get a trim and Cammy was going to get some highlights but as the time progressed I decided to get some highlights as well. I must say I was pleased with the result. My friend, Lance, did a great job on both of our heads.

Yes, another conquest for Mike’s Metrosexuality. I guess it’s not so much an issue of Tough Enough as it is Fab Enough.

Sadly, the rest of this post was not nearly as entertaining as the opening paragraph; so I simply moved deeper in the archive to a post from late September. Honestly, it was so chock-full of great lines that I have no choice except to write an in depth analysis of the entire post from start to finish. Here goes.

Speaking Engagement for Kansas State's DECA Convention

Now I had no idea what DECA meant but I was more than willing to give them a speech on leadership. I knew this was going to be a hard speech when I found out that DECA was all high school students. High schoolers are a lot harder to speak to because you have to watch what you say more. No swearing at all because those old teachers will get pissed. Yeah pissed is a swear word too.

Thanks for the no-context intro, Mike. I guess we’ll just jump into this post mid-thought. I like how Mike is so eager to give a speech that he doesn’t even bother to check out the organization. Word to the wise: if NAMBLA comes calling, don’t accept. By the way, nice use of ironic humor in the “pissed” comment. That was high level.

I got there a day early and took a 2 hour car ride with Jess who was really nice and made the 2 hour drive seem faster. They picked me up in a Cavalier that shook when you reached 80 mph and had no power windows or locks. We had a great time making fun of it.

Oh Cavalier humor is the BEST! It shook at 80 mph, had no power windows and no power locks? That is HILARious! What’s next? It had no cruise control? I can’t even conceive!!! Big ups to this mysterious Jess for making the drive seem faster. We’ll just assume that’s code for felatio.

We finally got to the camp where the convention was being held and I met Emily who hired me. I asked her what DECA was and she told me that the students take tests and are ranked all over the USA. I was like what student would volunteer to take a test because I know I wouldn't want to.

Wow, did Mike just shoot his passive aggressive cannon at the kids? No, he was just being a dumbass. But yes – what kids would EVER volunteer to take a test? I don’t know. Maybe ones that want to grow academically so that someday their Internet posts don’t read like The Miz’s?

Then she told me that these kids were the best of the best and get an all expense paid trip to Anahiem and NY for nationals where there'd be 14,000 other students competing. Well that'd be motivation enough for me when I was in high school because most of that 14,000 were girls.

Um, Miz, I don’t think this will necessarily be the most attractive pool of high school girls. You may want to revise your plans for getting some retroactive Achievement Test tail.

Eventhough I hated tests in high school I think I could manage. They showed me my room which was away from all the high school kids and was nice. I mean it was no Hilton but it would do.

Not the Hilton???? What kind of a not-for-profit academic organization is this? Surely a superstar like Mike Mizanin from The Real World deserves better accomodations!

Believe it or not I get really nervous before speeches, especially these kind where I have to be professional.

Mike has to be professional? A professional what? And since when did he care about this sort of a thing? Last time we saw him he was calling girls Panty Droppers and chowing down worms on MTV.

Usually when I have speaking gigs at colleges it's mostly Q & A and I incorporate my speech inside the questions. It's really easy and it gets students more involved and less bored. However, in professional speeches I have to figure out ways to keep the crowd in the speech while educating them on the subject the school desires which was leadership. In my speeches I don't like to write it all out. I just like to have bullet points because I feel if you memorize this whole 40 minute speech I think there's more room for error but if you just talk to the students instead of lecturing them then the kids will learn more and be more entertained.

Yeah, you don’t want the kids to be bored with your long, rambling comments. Sort of like the way I just became instantly bored during that paragraph.

I practiced my speech about 4 times that night then tried to go to sleep but I couldn't. The next day I practiced once more and was ready.

Oh, thank goodness. I was wondering what his speech practicing schedule would be.

Why is it before speeches I always want to go home and say screw it. My mind says don't do it for some stupid reason.

I think that stupid reason is called “Contractual obligation.”

I get really nervous. But as soon as I got onstage I'm on and feel right at home. The students seemed into it and laughed at all my jokes. I like to start off with a bunch of jokes to lighten up the mood and to make me feel more comfortable on stage.

Unfortunately, all those jokes were Foxworthy-ish lines like “If you’re being racist and then hooking up with a girl on camera and then fighting about something stupid and have no discernable career beyond appearing on MTV year after year, then you might be The Miz.”

My speech went about 45-50 minutes and I felt like I really did a good job. I took a bunch of questions afterwards and then had a nice little meet and greet. The students were really nice. I didn't know they were doing this but they had this evaluation sheet about the weekend and my speech was on it to be graded: excellent, good, or fair.

That’s awesome! I love how the kids surpise evaluated The Miz. It was kind of their way of saying “You don’t like tests, tough guy? Well, f**k you. You’re in one!” Yes, The Miz was had.

I didn't like this idea until I saw that most of the sheets had excellent and there were only 3 that were fair out of 300. Hey you can't win them all.

Those kids who called The Miz “fair” are great. Truthfully though, I think we all know those other 297 students were just humoring him. You know that when he left, they all just started laughing and saying things like “He actually believes WE think he’s excellent. He’s a bigger douche than we thought!”

I love the after feeling of speeches. I think the reason for that is because before I'm so nervous and have butterflies in my stomach then I turn that nervousness into energy and BE MIZ and rock the house. I love that feeling.

I’m sorry, what feeling was that? I got distracted by the random nouns and verbs you call a “sentence”.

I want to thank Emily for hiring me to come out there, eventhough we play fought the entire time. I always like a person that'll argue but not really argue. I still think you drive like my grandma. Also a big thanks to Jess for driving me and for being the mediator.

“Mediator”, eh? So that’s what we’re calling our mischevious road warrior. Oh, and Emily, yeah, thanks for arguing but not really arguing with Mike. He likes to think but not really think.

Last but not least thank you to the students and teachers. I wish you all the best with DECA. Keep up the good work. Remember anytime you're nervous and to scared to do something just BE MIZ!!!

According to what he just wrote, didn’t The Miz say he was nervous and scared? So if you’re nervous and scared, does he mean continue to be nervous and scared? I’m confused. I’ve put too much thought into this.

Here’s to hoping the journal entries continue!