More fun times on Fresh Meat this week. Tempers escalated from mild simmer to, uh, less mild simmer, and one team even got the boot. That’s right. The producers kicked off one unlucky duo, surely shocking everyone who hadn’t already been watching ALL SEASON LONG. But I won’t spoil the surprise. What do you think I am? An MTV promo? But aside from all the controversy, this was a generally ho-hum episode (as the non-Exile episodes usually are). On the plus side, however, we saw the beginnings of a new rivalry and discovered that Linette can be a very, very, VERY sore loser. And let’s face it — it’s about time we had a sore loser around again (cough, Veronica, cough).This week’s episode began with placid images of Australia. Ah, the impossibly inviting surf! The luscious green countryside! The errant wallabies dancing to the tunes of didjeridoos and Kylie Minogue. Okay, maybe not so much that last thing. Either way, the continent Down Under was looking its very best, and our nimble young cast members should have been passing the time frolicking in the sunshine, but instead, all was saw was strife. Not major strife, but definitely pain. Yes, Evan and Coral, returning from their little visit to the Kangaroo State Hospital (I’m assuming that’s what it was called. They name everything after kangaroos down there, right? No?) seemed barely able to walk. For those who don’t remember, Coral had managed to knock her kneecap up to her groin or something like that, and Evan was still suffering from the joy that is the sports hernia. He showed up at the compound first, and unsuccessfully attempted to hide his injury.
“There’s a 99% possibility that it will cause that permanent damage, but I’m of the mind that if I just ignore it, it doesn’t exist,” he told us. And if there’s anything a man can forget about, it’s when his intestines spill into his ball sack. Sorry, that sounds gross, but it’s just the nature of the beast. I know. I endured such an ailment. It wasn’t pleasant.
Anyway, as everyone noshed on random sushi, Evan did a little damage control, telling the other cast members that Coral’s knee wasn’t that bad, but people were doubtful. Derrick had even heard rumors that Evan may have been suffering from a hernia. Well, this ship of lies sprung its first big leaks when Coral returned on crutches. Even though her kneecap was back where it was supposed to be, the girl could hardly walk and only had one day to recover. But yeah, she should be fine!
Aviv then came on screen and acted all concerned for Coral, saying how she was worried how this would impact her game. Of course, we don’t know why Aviv was concerned. In case she’d forgotten, Coral was her, you know, OPPONENT. Meanwhile, Coral did her best to play down the whole injury. “I don’t want everyone to think that I’m this crippled person,” she said. Now, if there were a spider bite involved, it’d be a whole ‘nother issue.
Now, just in case you were wondering why these two were hiding their injuries, Wes came on screen to happily explain the reasoning. He noted that if Evan and Coral were considered a weak team, they’d be thrown into Exile in a heartbeat, which made sense, I guess, but then again, they’d probably be thrown into Exile if they were too strong a team. Point is, Wes is an idiot and no matter what comes out of his mouth, I’ll always find a way to make him seem like a dolt. It’s unfair, I know, but that’s the joy of being a blogger.
The next day, Linette, Diem, and Aviv all sat and talked with each other, telling us how they’ve become such wonderful friends. Friends for life even! Of course, this meant that clearly they’d be pitted against each other in the next twenty minutes, which really is the beauty of a good reality show: tearing apart the bond of friendship just as it so happily forms.
Still, the girls seemed prepared for such a situation. Aviv told us, “The game is getting personal. There’s a lot of social politics.” A lot of social politics — as opposed to a time when there weren’t a lot of social politics? Sorry, Aviv, but these challenges are all about the backstabbing and lying. If you think it’s just starting to turn ugly, then you truly are fresh meat.
“Why yes, I do enjoy looking like a little boy with an oversized head!”
Anyway, Evan came on screen again to remind us that he wasn’t allowed to do any lifting, and then we zoomed off to the day’s challenge where we saw two long rope ladders hanging from a suspended boat. Yup, this was bad news for Evan. Rope ladders + gravity = bad news for happy hernias.
Sure enough, as the gang all assembled to learn the rules, TJ announced that because of their injuries, Coral and Evan could no longer participate in the Challenge. I don’t know why they were so shocked. They should have seen this coming. Nevertheless, everyone’s jaws dropped, especially Diem’s which hung wide open as if to say, “Damn! I have cancer, and they let me play!”
Well, Coral, who’d never been cut from a challenge, was not happy about this. “That’s such bullshit!” she scowled as she limped away. Yes, total bullshit. Don’t let that limp fool you into believing she can’t walk normally! Evan was also furious with the decision. His rectum may have been in his scrotum, but dammit, he wanted to play!!! The two both appealed their case to the producer, Justin Booth, reality stars are no match for the potential lawsuits and liabilities a production company could face. Smell ya later, Crippletons!
As Evan came to accept his fate, he told us, “A hernia could kill you. It could strangle your intestine, and you die. BUT–” There’s a “but”? Isn’t it sort of like case closed after the whole “you die” part? Nevertheless, Evan believed that there was a better probability that they’d win the Challenge over him sustaining permanent damage. And let’s face it — a lifetime with a colostomy bag would be worth it for a few extra dollars.
Tina went up to Coral and tried to console her, saying, “Do you know how weird this is for the game now?” Yeah, I don’t think Coral wanted to hear that. She looked like she wanted to shove Tina’s face into a wood chipper. Then again, who doesn’t? (By the way, is it completely reprehensible for me to say that Tina is actually tolerable and mildly likable this season? Oh, I feel a part of me dying even typing this.)
Anyway, the lame-o’s eventually left, and we returned to the challenge. TJ informed us that there’d still be the same number of Exiles and challenges. The only difference was that three teams would compete for the final prize, not four. And now this week’s competition. It was called “Batten Down the Hatches.” Basically, teams would start in that boat that was suspended high above a lake or river. Each person would have to climb down the rope ladders, and then at the bottom, they’d have to somehow figure out how to swing the ladders toward each other so that each team member could switch ladders. Once this was accomplished, they’d then climb back up to the boat. Team with the fastest time would win. Got it?
Well, first up were Wes and Casey. She said she wanted to step it up a notch before she vomits, but I say vomit away, especially if you can somehow do it on Wes’s head. Unfortunately, Casey may have wanted to step it up a notch (no pun intended, what with the rope ladders and all), but the two once again clocked in a pathetic performance. They simply could not swing their ladders towards each other, no matter how hard they tried. Casey even tried to move her arms through the air as if she were doing the breast stroke, but as anyone who’s tried to do the breast stroke can tell you — it kind of doesn’t work NOT IN THE WATER. I was really hoping the simple idea of body motion would cross their minds, but no such luck. As he’s done in many challenges, Wes simply hopped off the ladder, disqualifying his team in the process. Don’t worry, Casey, he’ll blame you for the loss later.
Next up were Tina and Kenny who seemed to be facing the same dilemma with their ladders, but at least Tina was more inventive with her strategies. Granted, she wasn’t always successful, and her first few attempts left her looking like she was having a religious rapture on the ladder. But eventually, she figured out that she could climb up the ladder and swing the slack over to Kenny, and thus the official strategy was born.
There’s probably some gynecological joke to be made here, but do we really want to go there with Tina? No. No, we don’t.
All the other teams followed suit with nary an incident. The only one who had any problems was Darrell, who accidentally slipped and fell off, taking his team out of the running (and yes, again Diem was SHOCKED!). As everyone went up and down, Wes and Tina realized that they were going to be the Exile targets once again. Their only hope was to ally together and rope in a few other teams to maybe take out the power players. Sounds good in theory. Let’s see. I wonder if Wes can screw it up.
Anyway, once everyone was done, TJ gathered everyone around and read the results. Coming in fourth were Tina and Kenny, followed by Shane and Linette in third, and Theo and Chanda in second. That meant that Derrick and Diem took first place, winning their first competition. It was all happy happy joy joy until Diem realized she had to pick someone to go into Exile. What a buzz kill!
Well, Diem and Derrick had a little powwow, and the bad news for her was that he wanted to vote Shane and Linette into Exile. This was bad news for Diem who had earlier crowed about her BFF status with Linette, but oh well. That’s the way the cookie crumbles! With Diem already hanging her head low and crying, Derrick announced their decision, and it could not have been received any worse. Linette had such a sour face on it was like she had just found a mighty pubic hair in her salad. She threw down her bag like a spoiled brat and huffed off in anger with Aviv following just a few steps behind. Hey, what happened to all that understanding about how the game was getting personal now? She had to know something like this was coming. Dumbass.
Meanwhile, Diem stood off to the side crying. Tina consoled her, saying that it’s part of the game and everyone has to realize it. She then added, “Come to the dark side! Join me and Veronica! Join us!!!”
Well, with Shane and Linette on the chopping block, Tina was absolutely excited about her prospects. “The game’s all flipped around now!” she said. I didn’t really know what she was talking about. It’s not like there’s been any sort of discernible “game” regarding alliances and voting patterns. It’s just been a hunky dory parade of teams winding up in Exile based on crappy performances. It didn’t really seem like any sort of power structures had been upended. Nevertheless, Wes and Casey then happily noted that they were gonna gun after Theo and Chanda, which pissed Darrell off because I guess they were allies or something.
“Be smart about it, Bro,” Darrell told us, regarding Wes’s scheming. “You think I’m stupid like I was born yesterday? I’m not from Kansas. I’m from the town, baby. I recognize shit!” It was actually pretty funny, most likely because he was just reiterating that Wes is an idiot.
Well, Darrell went into the delibs gunning for Wes, and everyone pretty much followed suit. Oh, but first Shane and Linette had to leave the room, and of course, this was the perfect opportunity for Linette to roll her eyes and act like her mom just ordered her to go upstairs and do her homework. Anyway, Darrell and Aviv voted to send Wes and Casey into Exile, but who did Wes and Casey vote for? Theo and Chanda? Nope. They voted for Tina and Kenny. Wait, what? Weren’t they supposed to be allies? Just when I thought Wes couldn’t be more idiotic, he does something like that. He later explained that he saw the way the tide was going and didn’t want to ruffle more feathers than necessary, but c’mon, you don’t burn the one bridge you’re lucky to have!
Nevertheless, Wes and Casey were voted back into Exile. Everyone was hoping they’d lose, especially Theo who, if you remember, has a little thing with Linette. Forgot about Theonette, didn’t you? Still, Wes wasn’t concerned about his opposition. “I am not scared whatsoever to go up against a gay guy and a skinny girl,” he said, becoming even more of a douchebag than we ever thought he could be. Yay!
The episode then drew to a close with Linette and Aviv talking about the massive betrayal of Diem. With any luck, this will surely turn into a massive cat fight. If only Coral were still around to show them how it’s done. What did you think about this episode?